Before conflict resolution comes conflict. Choosing an adversarial position is second nature, even for those who prefer not to argue. Some are adversarial about everything. Adversaries use three dominant techniques: Argument, authority and aggression.
Merriam Webster says adversarial means: of, relating to or characteristic of an adversary or adversary procedures. An adversary is one who contends with, opposes or resists: an enemy.
Who is the enemy?
We do not want Mate to see us as the enemy, but often that is precisely the super hero cape we put on in the morning to the sound of Mate’s melodious voice. What are the battle lines?
- Placement of objects
- Dress
- Beliefs
- Friends
- Ambition
- Insert any topic where you may have a varying opinion.
Sounds like a civil war. It can be.
Play Nice
But the flip side was great!
Being on the other end of the spectrum from Mate on a subject is not cause for an immediate dissolution of the marriage. In fact, in that difference you come to appreciate both Mate’s strength and your own. But just as there is a difference between authoritative and authoritarian, there needs to be a difference between adversarial and adversary.
Not All the Same
When you and Mate begin discussing the sound of the band you thought hung the moon in high school, you discover Mate hated that band back then. Before you feel as though you are no longer compatible, stop and weigh the choices before you strap on your tights and boots.
- Is this so fundamental a difference I am willing to risk our relationship?
- Is it possible I am not remembering well?
- Could Mate be right?
Before you start the argument, employ the two ears, one mouth concept. Listen to Mate’s side of the record. Then, step away from your foxhole. Otherwise, what was meant to be a nostalgic moment will flare into an adversarial brawl.
Geography
As the discussion begins, you are close to one another. You both remember the band. You both think you remember (music, musicians, why you love/hate it). Your first instinct is to tell your side of the story…
- The first cassette I played in my first car.
- The only drummer in human history to go through 21,846 pairs of sticks in one tour.
- In the Top 100 for 86 weeks in a row.
Mate is across the couch, but has the same ammunition…
- My BFF played the album end to end until the tape warped.
- The drummer could not keep time, and was too wasted to hit the drum head.
- That song played twice an hour for six solid weeks.
After you both say your peace, stop.
Holster those aggressive weapons. Listen to the album. See if it is as you both remembered. If it is, and you still love it and Mate still hates it. Agree to play it in your car on the way to work…away from Mate.
But I am Right….,
What's for dessert?
You are being adversarial. In fact, whether or not the music is great or terrible is an opinion. We all know opinions are like bellybuttons. Disagreeing should not denigrate the other’s character. Seeing the flip side broadens your horizons.
If you are adversarial for the fun-spirited banter which ends with Chablis, tossed salad and grilled salmon steaks, carry on by all means. Being on the flip side can be a mind-opening exchange.
If you are being adversarial merely to aggressively assert your authority (be right), you are indeed an adversary…the enemy.
~~~~~~~~~~
What shade is your cape? Are you adversarial? Is it fun or fight? Name your favorite adversarial position opposite Mate…and tell why it is so fun.
If you Tweet or +1 this post, please use the hashtag #AtoZChallenge!
(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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Welcome to day “A” of the “Blogging from A to Z Challenge“. If you would like to join, the deadline is tomorrow!
Alexandra Heep
/ April 1, 2012Leave it to you to take this deep … no, I’ve never been adversarial. Live and let live is my motto.
Alexandra Heep recently posted..A is for A Heap of Music
Red
/ April 1, 2012I am so innately argumentative it is hard to be anything but adversarial. But I do not take it out on my opponent. I argue for sport, not meat 😉
Androgoth
/ April 2, 2012Hey I knew that you
had a wicked streak 🙂 lol
Androgoth XXx
Red
/ April 2, 2012So wide it is hard to miss…
Bear
/ April 2, 2012Really? I never noticed!
Red
/ April 2, 2012Only because I do not hunt you…that way…
Androgoth
/ April 2, 2012That sounds like a
future treat to me Bear 🙂
Androgoth
Binky
/ April 1, 2012I am not at all adversarial, but you have clearly taken the wrong stand here so why don’t you just admit I’m right and concede to my superiority?
Binky recently posted..Horse Sense vs. Horse Safety
Red
/ April 1, 2012Astutely argued, Binky 😉
M. J. Joachim
/ April 1, 2012Timely…I know it doesn’t start with A, but this post is very timely. And then a hint of a song comes to mind, “nobody’s right when everybody’s wrong…” Nice way to start the A – Z Challenge, Red:)
M. J. Joachim recently posted..Announcement: April’s Blogging A – Z Challenge 2012 Active Member
Red
/ April 2, 2012Thank you, ma’am. And I happen to love that song! Cannot wait to see what “B” is going to be at your place!
Red.
valentinelogar
/ April 2, 2012There are some things which are worth the ‘enemy’ title, worth the fight. Others not so much. Rarely is this the position I am willing to take with mate anymore.
valentinelogar recently posted..Trayvon and Me
Red
/ April 2, 2012Very encouraging. The revelation of those who are always enemy is, more often than not, those who feel their identities lie merely in the opinions.
spilledinkguy
/ April 2, 2012It’s probably a good thing my wife and I disagree so infrequently, because I’m pretty awful with conflict… I do my best to avoid it…
🙂
spilledinkguy recently posted..Pyrus No. 1
Red
/ April 2, 2012Some days, that is the safest thing to do…
Androgoth
/ April 2, 2012The thing is Red I am not always right, but then I am never wrong either, does that answer your question by any chance? 🙂
Actually I have a lot of fun being wicked you know, maybe having a cape has something to do with it? 🙂 lol
Have a great rest of evening Red 🙂
Androgoth XXx
Red
/ April 2, 2012Having a cape makes everything so much better!
Yes, your wittering has definitely answered the question…
*giggles*
Hope you are having a beautiful evening 😉
Red.
Androgoth
/ April 2, 2012Yes and wittering is a virtue you know,
now who was it that said that? 🙂 erm lol
Androgoth XXx
Androgoth
/ April 2, 2012Twenty six postings in thirty days seems like a bit of a challenge but as you are always adding multiple postings with ease I think that you will succeed well before that time slot 🙂
Good luck with this
excellent challenge Red 🙂
Androgoth XXx
Androgoth
/ April 2, 2012Do these postings have to be on each of the 26 days or can you add as many as you like starting with ‘A’ of course, I mean can you add ‘A to D’ on the same day? 🙂 Well I would want to get this challenge finished a lot sooner so that I could get on with other things 🙂 lol Just asking…
Androgoth XXx
Red
/ April 2, 2012You schedule them to go live on certain days. The rules are one letter post per day per blog. There are more than 1,800 doing this, so more than one a day is not fair… Write them up and schedule them. Would you like for me to send you a schedule? Or have you clicked on the badge in the right side bar to view the why’s and wherefore’s?
Red
/ April 2, 2012This one is just going to give me a lot of ideas for where to take M3 for the rest of the year 😉
MJ Logan
/ April 2, 2012When I asked my father-in-law to be before I asked my bride to be (if I could marry her), and he told me yes, I asked if he had any advice for me.
Words of Wisdom
“Michael, when something bothers you, ask yourself if it really matters. If it doesn’t, then forget it and don’t push it. If it matters, then fight like hell and don’t quit until you win.”
You would be surprised how often I’ve remembered that, and asked myself if it really matters. 99 percent of the time, I just forget it.
I think I’ve talked in similar terms on much earlier posts here.
MJ
MJ Logan recently posted..Biography
Red
/ April 2, 2012You have, MJ. He gave you really good advice. It is one of the major keys to longevity in relationships…even relationships with your children. Picking your battles wisely determines which ones you will win.
Good to see you tonight.
Miss R
/ April 3, 2012You evil girl in the black cape. Got me into this one too. Loved the A for Adversary.
My solution has always been
1. Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?
or…….
2. Do I want to use the .22 or do I want to get out the Glock?
Good work Red. As always!
Miss R recently posted..C is for April 3rd; Crawl Back
Red
/ April 3, 2012Good to see you this morning, chickadee! I do a lot of asking #2. My big problem? I am happy arguing, but my fellow mental pugilists are not often as entertained as I with the process. Something about feelings and stupid and the whole thing goes to pot. *sigh*
shoreacres
/ April 4, 2012Interesting to land here directly from a Mississippi lawyer’s blog, where the gathered crowd has been dissecting the 5th Circuit’s request to the DOJ for a response re: President Obama’s squishy comments yesterday about the proper role of the Supreme Court.
Our court system is adversarial, and one of the things that makes it work is adherence to clearly-defined rules of engagement. It occurs to me: adversaries don’t have to be enemies. As an attorney said to me once, the key to success is arguing your position, not your opponent’s mental capacity.
shoreacres recently posted..A Semi-Divine Comedy
Red
/ April 4, 2012Very true. I have seen so many attorneys eat one another in the courtroom and them sit down to a pleasant lunch, only to return to the courtroom and continue the battle. I look at that hostility and adversarial nature with a bit of skepticism. It requires a level of blighted observation which is fascinating…in a virus under the slide kind of way 😉