Asking for Forgiveness
If you look really closely, you can probably pinpoint at least three lies you were told today. More than likely, two of them were unintentional. What?
Did I say that?
Yes. Yes, you did. You slathered it in sugar, so I would swallow the arsenic. Lies are toxic and burn out your insides. You are so used to being “nice” you never noticed you were poisoning me. But that was the last post. Time to move on.
I’m sorry.”
Let’s get one thing straight. When you say these words, you are not apologetic. When you say I’m sorry and nothing more, it means:
I did not care enough to consider your feelings and consequences to my actions when I made the conscious decision to act. Now, you know I have acted. I am faced with your appropriate ire and wish for you to forgive me instead of bestowing what I so richly deserve.” (Edited to maintain maturity level rating.)
When actually, you are this kind of sorry:
wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful”
That is harsh!
…which makes it no less true. American society is rife with the knee-jerk I’m sorry. We are teaching it to misbehaving toddlers making them believe it means something to spew the words when caught misbehaving…or lying. What are we really teaching?
It is not magic.
Words are so cheap, they have been declared free. The words I’m sorry are not magic. They do not:
- Reduce anger
- Alleviate stress
- Heal pain
- Mitigate damages
- Replace losses
Given those toddler lessons, I’m sorry just may assuage enough guilt for you to think you are deserved of forgiveness.
What does it take?
In order to be forgiven, you absolutely must show genuine remorse, not just be willing to do lip service. This means you must:
- Acknowledge wrongdoing.
- Have and admit remorse.
- Show desire and willingness to desist such behavior.
- Act on the desire.
- Offer penance.
- If demanded, do penance..
I did that.
Own it. Pick up your foot. Look at the bottom of your shoe. Proclaim the substance attached to the bottom. Say, “I did ___________. And I lied about it.”
I hate I did that.
Only say this if it is true. Remorse is necessary for forgiveness. Are you really penitent or are you going through the motions to escape the punishment you deserve? Either way, ‘fess up.
I am not going to ___________ again.
As long as you did not fill in the blank with “get caught doing that”, chances are good you understand this part. If you are sorry for more than just being exposed, you are remorseful. This is the first promise to rebuild fractured trust.
Walk the talk.
It is not sufficient just to say you will not do something again. You actually cannot do it again. Even better, do not mention it, think about it, lust after it, covet it or send it an email. If you trip here, you will shatter the infant trust you are building by your promise to desist.
What can I do?
Be prepared for a laundry list. Walk the talk is the first thing on the list. Do not be surprised with penance which includes any of the following:
- Public profession of guilt.
- Menial labor.
- Coddling.
- Additional work responsibilities.
- Loss of privileges.
- Restitution.
- Replacement of material loss.
- Extended period of contrition.
- Any other act, reasonable or otherwise, to mollify the offended party.
Get busy.
Do not stand still. You scraped off your shoe…and not on the dining room rug. You know where the pile is. Without trouncing through it again, do what is required.
Two-way Street
After all is said and done, you may not have gotten the forgiveness you desired. Be patient. Hurt does not readily abate because the offending party is contrite and doing penance. It takes time to heal. If you have done what you should to rectify the situation, forgiveness will come… even if it comes in the end of a relationship.
NEXT: Forgiving
Do you do penance when you hurt someone? How does ending a relationship fulfill the concept of penance?
valentinelogar
/ December 6, 2011More than three actually.
1. No I don’t want to slap you silly
2. No, the numbing agent didn’t hurt at all
3. No, that large lump in the middle of my hand from the numbing agent doesn’t bother me at all
4. No the third time you tried to put the IV in didn’t hurt at all.
5. Yes I feel great
6. Yes, I am really glad to be here today
There were a few more but those were actually the big ones.
annmariedwyer
/ December 6, 2011Oh, my! I do not wonder why I hate to go for anything! I would have qualified the first one with this word: Yet. Red.
valentinelogar
/ December 6, 2011Yet didn’t occur to me, it really was only the specific lie I told.
annmariedwyer
/ December 6, 2011*Evil Grin* I knew that was a lie!
Antigone's Clamor
/ December 6, 2011Red, fabulous post! I remember reading in a book once where the protagonist expressed her sorrow for someone saying, “I’m sad for you” rather than the old “I’m sorry”. “I’m sorry” is generic and overused. In order for any apology to be sincere and meaningful, there has to be a heart change! Otherwise, we might as not say it at all. (Not that I’m advocating that–there is a politeness that should accompany our speech).
annmariedwyer
/ December 6, 2011I really like that! And I agree we should be polite, but it is truly meaningless if there is not a behavior change along with it. So good to see you tonight! Red.
awarewriter
/ December 6, 2011You nailed it with your last comment Red — behavior change. Sorry is just a word. You’ve given me much to consider, too much for a brief comment but grist for my mill. I hear grinding now. I’ll add the yeast so the bread will rise in time for my next Monday Musings.
John
annmariedwyer
/ December 6, 2011Good to know I can get you thinking! I look forward to your musing on my ranting. Thank you, McD. Red.
Angela Young
/ December 6, 2011Thanks for your post. Very true and I like your wording. I may have to use this in my Sunday School Class. So many think you can just say “I’m sorry God” and go on your merry way. Real repentence brings a change in behavior (among other things)….. You know the spiel.
Trying to connect certain topics for middle schoolers (at least these ones) is maddening at times. Sadly, they are not alone. Too many think a flippant I’m sorry with no real sorrow will get them by.
annmariedwyer
/ December 6, 2011I really think it is a sad indicator of how poorly we value true emotions. In an off-the-rack world, we tend to like cookie cutter answers which apply equally. I’m sorry just happens to be one which needs to be as individual as the offense.
For the younger crowd, I tend to use the example of how their parents ground them to illustrate the parallel between the time fitting the crime and the apology fitting the transgression. Hope that helps! Red.
bear
/ December 7, 2011Actions speak louder than words. I’m a man with great experience. Wow. That sounds like it could be in a song. “Take my hand Don’t be afraid Cause I’ll do everything I say!” In my world sorry means squat SHOW me you mean it, I don’t normally require a pound of flesh…I have enough of that . But I do need to see that in some way you actually mean it. Sorry = BS But I do accept it the word sorry that is if I…see a true act of regret. And that is what it is all about regret and not doing the infraction again.And that is all I got to say about that! Good writng RED.
annmariedwyer
/ December 7, 2011What you have said is important to the forgiver especially. We pound away at the offender, but the forgiver really needs to look into the heart of the offender. Perhaps, we should explore that concept further. Thank you for commenting, Bear. Red.
Raymond Alexander Kukkee
/ December 7, 2011Red, where do you get this amazing stuff? You are RIGHT ON. “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean a thing without a lot of introspection, remedy, and genuine, insightful change. GREAT POST!
annmariedwyer
/ December 7, 2011Thanks for that, Raymond. I have been saying this stuff for Y.E.A.R.S. Only recently been penning some of it finally. Practicing up for this book I am planning….Red. PS You better read Tit for Tat!
Raymond Alexander Kukkee
/ December 7, 2011hahaha…I did read ‘Tit for Tat’ and Tweeted it too. (Sunflowergate) THAT was very awesome advice !! Put it all in that book…it’s very insightful stuff! Clearly you observe humanity too– Doing so is one of my favourite occupational hazards…”:)
annmariedwyer
/ December 7, 2011I hear that! I am thinking about building a book of these along the lines of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader. LOL! Red.