I’d Rather Have Coffee.

cup of tea

Sometimes, marriage is not your cup of tea. Or to be far more specific, marriage to Mate is not your cup of tea. Three big contributors to the souring of the leaves make staying married a chore at best and impossible at the worst.

Blood in, Blood out

Some marriages are not about two mates… they are about whole clans. If you are not keen on sleeping in (or living in) a dog pile, marriage gets really old really fast.

Accepted as a nearly impassable truism: You are going to have a mother-in-law. Yes, there are notable exceptions, but even when the MIL is not part of the deal, her understudy is quick to snatch the script.

When you have other people interfering in your marriage, there is poison on the honey stick. Marriage is enough work with only Mate to contend with, but when you add a troupe of others to the mix, it becomes a marathon in concrete shoes.

Mate respects family (and if not, it is a red flag). When family comes to call, Mate should defer to you rather than (mother, brother, cousin). Mate’s union to you replaced the union to the family in terms of immediacy. You are now Mate’s next of kin, not them. When Mate fails to honor this, turmoil is soon to follow.

Respect

Give it. Earn it.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Marriage without respect is worthless. Self-respect is a requirement to committing to marriage, but spousal respect is a requirement to the longevity of marriage. When Mate is taking sides and not yours, stop the train.

In order to show respect, you and Mate must stand up to (parents, family, friends) on topics such as:

  • Judgment on past actions
  • Meddling
  • Intentional disruption
  • Different ideology or beliefs
  • Age difference
  • Race, ethnicity or nationality

Standing up applies to both of you. You are a unit. If someone is disrespecting you, stand up for yourself. If someone is disrespecting Mate, stand up for Mate. In both cases, you should be standing together. (Holding hands is optional, but a bonus.)

Your Last Chance

choice a or b

Pick only one.

Do not be afraid to play the ultimatum card.

I chose Mate because my happiness is what is important to us both. If you cannot be happy for me and Mate and appreciate how terrific Mate makes me feel, then you do not have my best interest at heart. I am willing to forgo our relationship in favor of spending my life with Mate, who is not only interested in, but also committed to, my happiness.”

Your marriage is worth defending against others who are not a party to it. Be brave and tell those who interfere This is none of your business.

Incompatible

Divorce filings cite incompatibility as irreconcilable differences. The papers should more appropriately read lack of forethought and effort. No one can say all differences can be settled. On the other hand, many of them can.

Before differences can be deemed irreconcilable, mates must attempt to reconcile them. You cannot honestly say they are bigger than your commitment to marriage until you decide how important your opinion is and how important marriage is.

Did you know?

Does Mate have an opinion which is a complete shock to you? Why? Ignorance of the law is no excuse. Telling you what you should have done before you walked down the aisle is a day late and a dollar short, but it can show you how to bridge the gap or cut the rope.

Is this the canyon between you?

  • children/discipline
  • career aspirations
  • retirement
  • housework
  • finances/money
  • charity
  • sex
  • alcohol/drugs
  • marital assets
  • pornography

Even though this list is not exhaustive, it does contain the most common incompatibility claims. Divorce does not have to be the only solution. Can you and Mate sit down and talk about it? Can both you and Mate compromise? Are they really irreconcilable?

My Way or The Highway

One of the differences which is not nearly as easily worked out is a discrepancy in a belief system. Often, these cannot be easily work out the way differences of opinion can.

Before you can scrap the marriage, you have to know what you believe. Surely, you can agree on things like science. (The Earth is round. Gravity is a law.) Intangibles are not so easy. Systems are even tougher.

A belief system is a group of related beliefs upon which behavior is based. It is more than a simple belief in one (ideal, definition, fact), but a multifaceted web of beliefs.

  • Definitions of marriage, fidelity, commitment
  • Existence and treatment of/by a higher power
  • Religion
  • Humanitarianism

Each of you brought a belief system to the table. It was molded over time by your family, friends, life experiences and mistakes. It is unreasonable to ask Mate to change an underlying belief system overnight merely to stay (or get) married.

In the Blue Corner…

blue boxing gloves

In the blue corner…

Enter healthy argument. Argument gets a bad name from people who scream. In fact, argument is a a coherent series of statements leading from a premise to a conclusion. (Compliments of Merriam Webster.) Necessarily, this means mapping out your beliefs so they are plausible, not only to you but also to Mate.

This does not mean you have to scientifically prove your beliefs beyond all doubt, but you do need to bring Mate to a place where a leap of faith is not a ramp and a motorcycle on the west face of the Grand Canyon. (Hint: “Because my mother said so,” is not a valid argument. See “mother-in-law” above.)

TKO

Not all differences are worth battling to a knockout. Many are not worth one round. See if you can compromise before you begin the discussion. Beginning an argument with I am willing to grant you X… shows you value Mate enough to have thought about what the counter argument is and are willing to meet somewhere in the middle.

After 15 rounds, if you still have not arrived at a livable acre of middle ground, divorce may be the option you take. Marriage is work. It should be a battle of us against them, not you against Mate.

Abuse is not a difference: It is a crime. If you are in an abusive relationship, seek help from law enforcement, family, friends, clergy and/or the medical community.

Have you and Mate resolved some of the common differences? How do you conduct a healthy argument? Do you or Mate need lessons in healthy arguing?

Hashtags: #marriage #work #divorce

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© Red Dwyer 2012
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21 Comments

  1. I felt rather blasé about remarrying before I was expecting my daughter. Then I knew we needed to make it legal. I didn’t want to be seen as a loser who’d burned through two marriages, already. I pinned a graphic on Pinterest that says “You had me at health insurance,” and Tim & I both had a laugh over that.

    The irony of this is, of course, we have the best, happiest marriage. We are best friends. That is not to say we never disagree or even have a big fight. Those have happened. But we did not fall in romantic love with total strangers when we met. We were already very close friends who knew each other’s hearts very well, and we loved each other without being head over heels crazy in love. When we realized what was happening between us, we fell head over heels, then. I fell even deeper in love with him after our daughter was born.

    I remember I used to read stories like this and think “But how do I get my husband to be my best friend?” I think that’s unlikely, if you didn’t start out as friends. Romance wears off, but true friends are always willing to forgive & work together to keep the friendship alive. Romance demands some kind of rosy, false perfection in thenform of dreaming. Friends can laugh together about the silliness of unrealistic expectations, while still showing up looking beautiful/handsome, and doing all the things you actually think about when you think of romance.

    When I was banging my head against the wall in my two failed marriages, I was trying ton make friends with men who didn’t treat me like a friend or a lady. Before them, I had a fiancé who was turned off by my inability to remain a romantic ideal princess, as well.

    You build a great marriage from the ground up. It’s painful to hear when you don’t want to let go, but if you didn’t start with good materials, and you don’t want to let go, then you gotta accept the house you built for what it is.

    That’s my advice for your lonely hearts.

    Reply
  2. So many typos, sorry!!! Auto-correct changed some words for me, too, but I think your readers will follow my meaning. I don’t know why it turned “turned off” to “stunned off.”. Makes it sound like he was shot with a phaser.

    Reply
    • No matter. Good advice and I will fix the auto-correct when I get off my BB. Good to see you today, Red.
      Red.

      Reply
  3. You have managed to hit this one out of the park! Capturing so many of the things that kill a marriage or strengthen it, funny how they can be same thing.

    Reply
  4. Red I LOVE marriage! So much so that I’ve been divorced twice.

    Stuck it out for ten years, with each husband. Don’t feel as though your comment that irreconcilable differences should read as ‘lack of forethought and effort’ is always valid.
    There was plenty of, and too much on my part, effort and time (and blind stupidity) put into each marriage. People do grow and
    can change radically, or you stay together for your child and do try counseling,etc, or your soul-mate has a temper.. which after marriage turns from the occasional verbal abuse and apologies to physical abuse with no apologies.

    Staying in marriages such as these because you feel as though your mate can be ‘fixed’ or you should have to change from the person you are is just as futile. Hard lesson, but it Can be learned!

    I believe many marriages fail because one partner simply marries to keep from being alone. they cannot love themselves enough to be comfortable without a man/woman in their lives. Which goes back to your ‘lack of effort and forethought.’
    Like to think there are lessons to be learned from any relationship.
    For example…I’ve now been single for almost fifteen years, and have turned down a marriage proposal. Not that marriage could not happen again. I should probably meet a man first though.

    The subject of picking your battles is so true! Ah, the times “I think you’re right dear” come out of the mouth (while counting to ten under your breath) has saved many an evening!
    Love the advice on mother-in-laws. Ex-hubby number one and I still refer to his mom as the anti-christ -grin-.

    Insightful and helpful post Red. This should be required reading for anyone before tying the noose. Sorry.
    Knot! Tying the knot.

    Reply
    • I am with you in so many ways, but this was a matter of true scope. The irreconcilable difference is not abuse, in its myriad and sundry forms. You have touched on something we will cover (thinking alike again): The marriages where only one person is married. And for another page in the sister saga, I happen to know of an upcoming post where you will be very welcomed.

      And just since I haven’t used my daily quota of cliches: Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

      Red.

      Reply
  5. You totally hit the nail on the head. I especially like: lack of forethought and effort. Too bad I didn’t have your post in hand BEFORE I got married to show matie how a marriage works.

    I’ve been divorced 27 years and my last relationship was 15 years ago. I’m happy with my life and don’t wish to change it. Recently, an ‘opportunity’ came along but I am simply not interested in starting a relationship at this age. The available male pool will need nursing soon and I’m not looking to start that.

    Reply
    • I can certainly respect your pragmatic look at the matter. Although, you should not discount the benefits of finding a younger man 😉

      I have often wondered why fiances do not read about what could happen. I suppose they just want to believe it could never happen to them.

      Reply
  6. Nice post. Except for some issues with my family, my girl and I get on well with both our families.
    I made it clear at the time to my family (and my girl) that I would stand with her in any disagreements. They now get on better than her than they do with me…

    Reply
    • Isn’t that the brakes? But I get it. I have a former mother-in-law I prefer to her son to this day!

      Reply
  7. Marriage is never ‘ perfection’ but can be coaxed and encouraged to function as though it is infallible and perfect. All it takes is 100% willingness to give–but also the intuitive sense to cave not – when disaster is foreseen. Good friends, good lovers, good partners, good mutual decision-makers, good parents-good marriages all have two things in common –good common sense and open-minded willingness to allow for growth and change in the kindest, gentlest way possible. “From the ground up” is the key. I lead when it’s important to do so, just as she does. Great post, Red! Good common sense.
    ” I’m the boss and |I have my wife’s permission to say so” “:)

    Reply
    • Hahaha! I love that line. The balance is always between the strengths and weaknesses of the individual mates and the willingness to accept one will augment the other. Even strength can be augmented.
      Red.

      Reply
  8. Marriage is beginning to scare me. I am not married yet but relationships have been a pile of crap too.

    Please say it is true that everything gets better when the right person comes along 🙁

    Nice post:)

    Reply
    • The difference between marriage and a relationship is a piece of paper. Fact: It is truly better when the right person comes along.

      Reply
  9. I’ve given you a follow on twitter as well:)

    Reply
    • Excellent. I will tweet in the morning and pick you up 😉 Are you listed in the Green Room yet?

      Reply
  10. bear

     /  January 31, 2012

    I have experience in these matters, as usual you are right on the money!

    Reply

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