Acceptance is a funny thing. While we often are content to have no one in direct defiance of what we do, more often we seek the endorsement of our closest friends and family. Occasionally, we seek the endorsement of those who know us in passing or not at all. There is no salary in this endorsement, at least not of a monetary nature.
If we are not talking about being paid millions to wear a piece of clothing or drive a particular car, what sort of endorsement are we seeking? Let’s consult Merriam Webster. When we want someone to endorse our behavior, we want them:
2. a : to approve openly <endorse an idea>; especially : to express support or approval of publicly and definitely
The level of endorsement is up to interpretation. We are willing to accept No news is good news. If there is no one openly, publicly and definitely disapproving or reprimanding us, we consider it tacit endorsement.
Everyone
While we seek the approval of Mate, BFF, Parent, Sibling and Quaint first, we do seek the endorsement of everyone. No? Would you like to avoid any of the following situations?
- Disapproving look of someone observing your appearance on the street
- Vocal opposition to a proposed idea, improvement or recommendation
- Noting of minuscule imperfection of a satisfactory product
- Pointing out disparities between your beliefs and reality
- Skepticism of your authority
Oh, we do seek endorsement from everyone.
Engineered
In the truest sense, endorsement is about public acknowledgement; however, getting someone to commit to a public endorsement is difficult on the best days. People are not moved to openly stand behind anyone else, especially if the behavior was not originally their idea or a core of their belief system. They are willing to stand in the background, out of others’ fields of vision, and cheer.
Getting them to shake the pompoms when you stand before your detractors or audience is far less likely. They are willing to risk reputation and ridicule of their own actions, but not those of anyone else.
In the face of others’ fear of guilt by association, we will take the backroom cheerleaders as endorsers, engineering endorsements.
Excruciating
More contrived than the engineered endorsement is the acceptance of tacit endorsement. Although it is false, we will accept it in lieu of no endorsement at all. How is it false?
Many people operate under the principle:
Therefore, their failure to (object to, ridicule, dissociate themselves from) our actions and statements does not mean they approve of either. The absence of a negative does not indicate a positive. Likewise, neutrality is not the same as endorsement.
Be careful when gauging the amount of support you have for an idea or action. Just because no one came to you to tell you it was wrong does not mean there are not people who do think it is wrong.
Equal
How often have you been the cheerleader from the safety of a private conversation where no one would ever find out you told someone you supported them? Did you do it for a friend or family member who is a true endorser?
Even though we seek the endorsement of those around us, we rarely afford them reciprocity. Like those who engineer endorsement of us, we respond in kind. It is the way we show support for one another without compromising our (reputations, belief systems, ideals). This is a place where equality is truly less authentic.
Ethical
In order to ethically endorse, we have to be convicted the stance or action is defensible and congruent with our characters. That happens to be a tall order because we are individuals with varied beliefs. Engineered and excruciating endorsements are strictly unethical. They require a level of dishonesty.
- Exaggerating support to endorsement seeker
- Omission of support when around dissidents
- Claiming support when none has been offered
Were we honest with ourselves and those seeking our endorsement we would come right out and say…
End
Just because someone does not endorse your idea or current behavior does not mean they disapprove of you as a person. It is perfectly possible to love people, but hate the things they do or say. Lack of endorsement is not the only reflection of your character. Your endorsement is far more important.
Do you have someone you love, but hate some of the things they do or say? Can you stop engineering endorsement?
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© Red Dwyer 2012
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Alexandra Heep
/ April 5, 2012Generally, I have few friends and surround myself with people whose actions mirror where I am in life. I actually let a recent friendship go because of self-destructive behavior on that person’s part.
It’s not that I abandoned her, I tried to help for a couple of years first. I do question if it was the right decision.
I tend to want more endorsement for myself in professional undertakings as apposed to my personal life.
Alexandra Heep recently posted..E is for Erol Sora
Red
/ April 5, 2012Endorsement of bad behavior, especially self-destructive behavior, is never comfortable. Neither is realizing the person is not willing to change.
Professionally, I have a hard time believing there is enough true endorsement. There are plenty who are willing to follow the herd and endorse the already successful, but few who are willing to endorse the hardworking before they attain the level of success commensurate with their effort.
Good to see you today, Alex.
Red.
El guapo
/ April 5, 2012I disagree with your conclusion under the “Everyone” section.
I personally am only interested in the approval (as described) of my wife. And the fact that she is my wife doesn’t automatically ensure her endorsement.
At work, my job is to do my job. And while it would be nice if all my ideas were taken, my only goal is to keep the place running, better than yesterday if possible. So I don;t look for endorsement of my plans or ideas. I throw them out there. If someone has a better idea, I have no issue with going that way instead.
And I would much rather deal with people that will argue what they believe with an open mind than any that will disagree or acquiesce just because they can.
Wow, this one evoked quite the response from me!
Excellent use of reciprocity too, red!
El guapo recently posted..She Said/He Said – Shoes
Red
/ April 5, 2012I thought Lizzie would like being in on this one. There are people who do not actively seek endorsement on the everyone level. They fall into two distinct groups: The confident and the lazy. Yes, the groups are mutually exclusive. Seeking Mate’s endorsement is warranted, but as with everything else, there is a boundary between where it is healthy and obsessive. I think you and your wife are not in the obsessive category on most issues.
Work endorsement is apparently something I will need to discuss in greater detail. It seems to have struck a nerve. Glad to get you perking, Guapo.
El guapo
/ April 5, 2012Hmm…I would dispute that confident and lazy are exclusive (for reasons other than just being defiant.
Even lazy people can get learn and be proficient at things. Then it’s just a matter of lazily letting things run until intervention is needed, stepping in to right any issues, then letting it run again.
El guapo recently posted..She Said/He Said – Shoes
Red
/ April 5, 2012I think you mistake the meaning of lazy in this instance…lazy, as in would not do anything, even in cases of emergency, but will trust others to intervene. The only proficiency they have is doing nothing. 😉 You are going to soooooooooooooo love Friday Follies.
El Guapo
/ April 5, 2012I thought it might be a definition thing.
I have often been accused (correctly) of crisis management.
And I always do love the Friday mailbag! 😉
El Guapo recently posted..She Said/He Said – Shoes
Red
/ April 5, 2012That is a confidence trait. You are secure in the knowledge you can pull the situation from the brink of disaster…successfully. It is also a sign of being an adrenaline junkie. You need or crave the stress of the catastrophe to move you into action. Hmm. Very telling, Sir Guapo.
George
/ April 5, 2012My mother would say that she loves people but may not love their behavior or they things they did. This post really reminded me of her belief system. Thanks, Red! 🙂
George recently posted..Decipherable Demands
Red
/ April 5, 2012Very wise woman, your mother. She recognized our behavior is not the sole indicator of our identities. Glad to stir up a good memory, George!
Androgoth
/ April 5, 2012I like what El Guapo has said on this one Red, and I too agree with him regarding an idea, for instance it makes no difference to me if someone has a better idea than mine, indeed we should always embrace the best thought and use it to the best advantage that we can, as this is just logical, and one should never feel withdrawn or put down just because their idea was not taken on board.
This works both in employment or at home with one’s wife, husband, or whatever, it is what can be achieved collectively that counts and not just the one voice, well I guess there will be many that disagree with me on that train of thought but it is something that I have always adhered to and it works very well in my opinion.
You know, I had a little chuckle at the beginning of your posting regarding the disapproving looks some peeps offer, well to be honest I get that all the time but never straight on, it is always just off to the left or to the right of vision but I don’t care what others think about the way I look, I choose how I am and that is my own choice.
Right instead of me wittering on I will add this one next 🙂 Have a lovely rest of evening Red 🙂
Androgoth XXx
Red
/ April 5, 2012You and Guapo are not in a small minority with the thought process. The adoption of the best offer, regardless of whence it came, is a widening trend. For so long our societal norms were to accept only ideas from those who had risen to the top (regardless of the path of ascent). Now, there are far more (and more publicized) ideas being exposed, or even directly offered, from sources outside the major inner sanctums of thought, technology, science and society. Would that my life time last to see the dawn of a new age. The Vulcan in me is missing home 😉
I am with you. I get the looks as well..The judgmental, uptight, pious, self-righteous looks which smack only of small-mindedness, envy and bigotry. They tend to make my step bounce just a touch more. In the end, they reap what they sow. Any further of my thoughts on this matter are fodder for another post, my dark friend 😉
Androgoth
/ April 5, 2012And I will look forward to reading that one Red but for the now it is time for my morning coffee and a biscuit, yes just the one, or possibly two as I need to try and cut down a bit, perhaps take a leaf out of Sir Prenin / The Cleric’s book and lose a little weight, well it is always best to give it a whirl 🙂 Have a lovely Friday and a most enchanting little break with your Bear 🙂
Androgoth XXx
Binky
/ April 5, 2012Adopting the best idea is always the best way to go, but so often that’s not the case. We could advance so much more if we judged ideas or concepts based on their merits, and not by where or who they came from. Most cultures and religions and civilizations have some great ideas, but we often fail to even consider them because they’re foreign to us.
Binky recently posted..More Vegetables
Androgoth
/ April 5, 2012Yes I agree with that statement Binky 🙂
Androgoth
Red
/ April 5, 2012You have said a mouthful! I am of the school of thought no one should sign proposals. They should all come to the table anonymously to avoid the personal choices. Your theory is very astute. We could be so much further along if we would erase the boundaries on intellectual capital.
MJ Logan
/ April 5, 2012I sense a theme centered around the letter E here. hmmm
I think I echo in part some of Guapo’s thoughts. For the most part, I don’t give a RA what most people think, unless they are my wife. However, I would accept that I do seek endorsement of my work and like approval of it, or at least constructive criticism.
Red
/ April 5, 2012Constructive criticism is an endorsement. In order to get it, there has to be enough inherent value for the piece to be redeemable. And the emergency post was scheduled long before the schedule for A to Z came out 😉
Raymond Alexander Kukkee
/ April 5, 2012RED, this is very good! Please let me know if THIS comment sticks!
I don’t make a practice of ‘endorsing’ anything in particular –at least not historically, but I differentiate strongly between what I LIKE and do NOT like. ‘Endorsing and jumping on a bandwagon’, btw…can also be a sign of weakmindedness…LOL
btw…..I LIKE THIS! “:))
Raymond Alexander Kukkee recently posted..Political Sanctions: Punishment for Voting Democratically
Red
/ April 5, 2012It stuck! So, you are an engineer! Yes, for some people endorsement is weak minded, but only when they endorse indiscriminately. Glad you like this one!
El Guapo
/ April 5, 2012Oh, never denied the adrenaline junkie thing.
I revel in it! Bwahaha!
But when I managed restaurants, I let my people go as far as they could, and only stepped in when it was necessary.
And all my cooks learned to ask for help (without being embarrassed) when they needed it. No shame in needing help. and woe to the line cook that mocked him in a mean way.
(ran out of replies above. Oops)
El Guapo recently posted..She Said/He Said – Shoes
Red
/ April 5, 2012No matter! It seems you have a following in your thinking here. What you all have in common is a great Mate. What you are describing is good management skills. That is a subject for another post entirely. I retired from the mother of all big box stores as a QA manager of management. Yes, that is a mouthful. I audited the management to assess where stores went wrong. I may know a thing or two (thousand) about management.
Tess Kann
/ April 5, 2012More changes. NICE. I wonder why I lost ‘following’ you. Haven’t seen anything for ages. Didn’t understand previous e-mail didn’t mean you were down. Well, I’m back.
A lot of things to do lately. Love it but I’m going to have to cut back after this fun filled week. Challenged myself to do too many things. My eyes feel like acorns after a long winter. Just had to try it during my almost down time.
Nice post.
Red
/ April 5, 2012And I am so very glad you are, Tess. Get some rest. Tomorrow is Friday Follies 😉 You will need your strength.
Red.
valentinelogar
/ April 5, 2012I am so pleased you have a Love Button, this is so very good.
Yes, this is a true Endorsement.
valentinelogar recently posted..Cover your Head Woman
Red
/ April 5, 2012*Curtsies sweetly*
Barb
/ April 6, 2012I’d forgotten all about that saying” The absence of a negative….” You’re absolutely right. I’ve been deluding myself, thinking I was being positive by simply keeping my mouth shut. It’s like people saying, “Hey, you got a hair cut.” Then they don’t say anything else and you wonder if they noticed because it was hideous or wonderful. Thanks for the nudge to the ribs to be purposeful. You’re so good about this.
Barb recently posted..Cleaning Tips for the Frenzied (and Lazy)
Red
/ April 6, 2012Oh, that is an excellent example! And just because I am testing a theory…any chance you got an email from me about thise (or any other) post?