All Fake

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And the award goes to...

In case you missed it, M3 awarded 29 blogs one of the following four awards: Versatile Blogger, Liebster, Candle Lighter, Sunshine. Blogs ranged from inspirational to hilarious to eclectic. Each one of them touches your host, but touched someone else completely differently …or not at all.

Karla hails and hatemails from Finland. She had a bone to pick with me about the awards handed out in Gold Stars. She is certain there is nothing in M3 which has any value, much less enough to have garnered the awards found in the Trophy Room.

But she was not satisfied M3 was the only fake in the mix:

None of those blogs have anything in them. They are all blocked. Of course you are giving the fake awards to pepole who invite you to their blogs but don’t let anybody else in. They are probably all porn sites.”

She went on to rail about bloggers giving each other awards, but questioned what bloggers would know about quality blogging. (Feel free to scratch your head. I did.)

Because I am hateful like that…

It is bad for you, you know.

I summoned all the power of Google. Low and behold, Karla is a blogger, albeit quite a lonely one. She blogs to her four followers about cats. And the avatars of her followers? You guessed it, her cats.

I sweetly emailed her back:

Perhaps, I could suggest a mask when you clean your litter box. I understand the fumes are toxic and could cause antisocial behavior in humans.”

~~~~~

That’s my line!

Some of you have been following along in Story Time, where I have been creating the workable pieces of what will eventually be fleshed into a book. The story (which still needs a title, hint, hint) is being constructed according to an outline I have scrawled on the back of a page in my folder beside my laptop.

Despite its complete lack of planning, it appears it resembles an unpublished work in the possession of a Nova Scotian. Patrick hatemailed me irate and demanded how I got the manuscript from his now defunct Dell desktop computer.

I dont know how you got it off there cuz it hasnt worked in two years. It got some virus and would not work. It was prolly you sneding your worm to steal my story. I know you changed all the names and nobody was in love in my story but I know you stole it.”

He went on to explain how much better his version of the story is because it has aliens and zombies. Now, I have gone back and read everything I have written thus far to see if there is any plausible way the two could be mistaken as vaguely similar. Alas, I could not. I cheerily replied:

I decided it was far better to have people in love, after all they are not aliens, but abductees. I think I may have to take you up on the idea of the zombies, however, as I see a perfect place to inject an undead deputy in Sheriff Strickland’s command. Meanwhile, could I point you to one of the many self-publishing platforms?”

~~~~~

You’re a slut.

In a post I likened to the millions of get to know your friends posts on MySpace, Facebook, Google+ and every other social network, I took Raven’s tag to answer ten questions about myself. I went over the list very carefully before I clicked the publish button, as I am wont to do.

The North Dakotan who was outraged about this post makes a return trip to Friday Follies. Remember Elaine? She is back in the hatemail box, but this time it is all about me.

I seen what you do now. You advice all those womens to get divorced so you can wear your slut shoes with there husbands.”

You know I did not miss an opportunity to discourse with what has to be a true fan:

Dearest Elaine,

The Red Educational Shoe Award

Thank you for your email about the blog. You may have forgotten from my last email, but I do not give advice to individuals. I write blog posts about the possibilities and opportunities of marriage and divorce.

And just so you know, I do not wear “slut shoes”. But just because you emailed me again, I am awarding you the Educational Shoe award. It is designed using a pair of my own, very sensible shoes. Feel free to print it and hang it beside your computer as a token of M3’s esteem.

Keep reading!
Red

PS Did you forget to send me that information on feces as a marital aid?”

 ~~~~~

I hope your week has been free of the stupid emails which produce the Friday Follies! Have a great weekend!

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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50 Comments

  1. Red, I am just dumbstruck at some folks and their inability to draw any appropriate conclusions from your writings. While I laughed at the first comment about a porn site, the second, completely lacking in grammar, spelling, and well just about any sign of adult intelligence is actually scary. Under the assumption she isn’t a 3rd grader posting from her momma’s basement, and this woman is in fact old enough and capable of marrying and bearing children, then it makes me shudder. It’s a miracle she was capable of setting up an e-mail account. Yikes!

    Great retorts as usual. I love your sharp-tongued yet hilarious responses. Made my morning!

    Reply
    • Yes, some of them are truly scary. And I am always amazed at how some of them have internet access and enough computer skills to spew this …stuff.

      And if you thought this was good…wait until you see the next one! Thank you, Phil. Glad I could make you laugh! Red.

      Reply
  2. Hehe your comebacks to the emails are great. I wonder if the recipients are able to understand your sarcasm or if they understand what you are saying to them… The woman who blogs about her cats struck me as especially funny!

    Reply
    • I am convinced my art is thoroughly lost on them. As a Mean Momma, it makes it all that more funny…for me 🙂 *Wicked, evil laughter* Red.

      Reply
  3. Red it is lost on them. I get a few but none as hysterical as yours. I got one telling me how poor my writing was. Except they spelled it “your righting is pourly done and none can reed your writings”. OK if you say so 🙂

    Reply
    • Hahaha! That is always the way. I look at it as a sign to keep writing. Although to some, our writing is righting 😉

      Reply
  4. When a really good thing happens, someone invariably comes along and gets the urge to spew blind rantings just because they can.

    I’m just glad you stumbled upon my blog and I thereby checked out yours. You are an interesting, fasinating blogger. Head up; keep the march forward. But you know that already.

    How do you stay so fiesty? Is it chocolate? Keep up the great work!

    Reply
    • If it were not for chocolate, I would likely starve. I am fueled by the wicked, evil laughter which these emails have come to bring me and the genuine camaraderie of intelligent, cogent bloggers from around the world. You included 🙂

      Reply
  5. I’m not going to comment on those hatemailers, Red, I think they are seeking attention – or something that your site obviously doesn’t offer them!
    By the way, if you decide to go with the zombie idea, I don’t mind you mentioning that bits fall off them every now and then… just a thought! 🙂

    Reply
    • With what is falling off the body at present, perhaps I should just make Bev a Zombie to save the character development!! 😉

      Reply
  6. I find your writing and ideas refreshing. I am one who has gone private either to redecorate or take time out. I don’t think it would be possible to do in 2012 as I have to many followers 😀 due to the “Awards” I have recieved so far!!! I like the awards they make me feel good to know at least one person considers me worthy. Thank you.

    Reply
    • I do, too. I feel bad when I have neglected a blog for a week or so and come back to find someone has awarded me something without me knowing :/

      I started with the idea I would be able to go private for my jump to the new domain to give myself a few days off to work on the site, but that did not pan out at all. I have people who email me if one of my posts is late! Thank the stars they understood when I started back after vaca!

      Thank you, Raven. I enjoy your space as well, Red.

      Reply
  7. Now that I’m done laughing, please make sure that you are protecting your intellectual property. Someone like the jackass above could easily waste plenty of your time claiming you stole his idea.

    Also, can you please point me to which of my posts were pornagraphic? Cause I love that stuff!!!

    Reply
  8. bear

     /  February 5, 2012

    BUT I LIKE THE SLUT SHOES!!!!! LAUGHTER IS THE BEST IN MY BOOK

    Reply
  9. These are fabulous! You’ve really got your own set of crazies! (For some reason I’ve never got a hate letter. I’m starting to envy yours because they look like so much fun.)
    I started getting all your posts in a weekly digest because it’s more fun to read them all at once. But I do find I miss your writing during the week.
    Maybe there should be some sort of work for handling weirdos. I would nominate you 😉

    Reply
    • I meant some sort of “award.” ;))

      Reply
    • They are fun in their own infuriating, mouth-breathing sort of way. I think of them as my surrogate teenagers who have yet to read my sign:

      Attention Teenagers:

      Please move out NOW
      Whilst you still know
      EVERYTHING!

      Reply
  10. LMAO. As always, I’m entertained by those who love to hate you, but really must love you.

    Reply

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