Tonight, we are going to work our way back to last Friday in this edition of M3’s Friday Follies. As is customary, M3 covered some speculative, questionable subjects: Internet knowledge, humor, fiction and the environment. What are people saying?
A late addition to this week’s Friday Follies comes from sunny California. Now, one would think in such a forward thinking, albeit very guilty, state, this would be a common issue. Alas, my interest in caring for the oceans and marine life was completely lost on Marci. She believes I am dreaming.
Only in your twisted imagination could these things exist. Plastic is a liquid. And what a stupid name you gave it. Nurdles. There is no such thing.”
Thank you for the vote on my creativity. Maybe, plastic would be more effective if we could find a way to make it a solid. There might even be commercial applications. I need to research patents…
But I am not just a dreamer…I am an animal abuser with a penchant for theatrical photography and necrophilia.
How could you just cut open a fish like that? Why would you stuff a dead bird with trash? You are not supposed to play with dead things. They have diseases”
Since she missed the links from the photographs and the copyright credits, for the record: I did not take the photographs.
I sent her a copy of the latest Oceana newsletter with this little note:
Although I personally eat seafood, I have always believed in humane treatment of food stock. As to the nurdles, I do not create the news. I merely report it.
In case you were unaware, the Internet has introduced a new feature called the “search engine”. I would recommend one personally to you, but I feel certain it would only serve to reinforce your belief that I am populating the Internet with my own content in an attempt to pollute the information pool, which means I would attempt to skew search results in my favor.
Surely, if you have never heard of it, it cannot possibly exist.”
It is a political activism site.
In what is quickly becoming the most popular post on M3, I touched on the heartache and anxiety caused many by changes to social media platforms. Most of the M3 readers happily shared the post with their Facebook, Google+ and Twitter followings. Julie, however, did not.
It appears from her hatemail Julie is a current employee of the social media world. While her position is not apparent in her email signature, one can only guess with a handle of socialforummoderator. (Who creates email addresses that long any more?)
In pertinent part, she was dismayed I would portray the social media giant in such a negative light. Her firm belief is social media is the path to political diplomacy and grassroots empowerment. She questioned my grasp on current events.
Don’t you know social media is the only reason there is no war in Africa? Not one single person had to die and it was all done on cell phones.”
Just to flex my political and diplomatic skills, I responded to her query:
Wow! I really need to subscribe to your news service! Mine must have it all wrong. They were talking about such trivial things as the death of a dictator, economic boycott pressures and the volatility of oil futures. Maybe, they are operating on old feeds. They are still talking about diamond wars, hunger and ethnic cleansing.
It is truly amazing there is such good cell coverage there. Maybe, the US companies could go over there and study their techniques. Thank you for spreading the good news! I never would have guessed Africa would be free of death, what with all the starvation. Or do you think all of those racial, hunger and AIDS foundations are fake, too?”
Wicked Evil Violence Monger
As you all know, it is my secret goal to convince all the M3 Readers to buy illegal handguns and commit acts of meaningless violence as a method of entertainment. Oh, you did not know that? All of the posts in Story Time, and most especially Secrets and Surprises, are really just a veiled attempt to further my evil agenda. Let me give you the newsflash hatemailed to me from Al in Saskatchewan.
Just what are you trying to do here? All the talk of suicide and violence. People like you should be prisoned. If it weren’t for guns there wouldn’t be any crime. I bet you own one of those assault rifles. Are you selling them?”
First of all, the only reference on all of M3 about suicide came from a hatemailer. Secondly, never have I considered being “prisoned”. Thirdly, I was unaware there were no thefts, illegal drug sales, batteries or white collar crimes in Canada. Before I contacted my travel agent for a real estate prospecting tour of my northern neighbor, I could not pass up the opportunity to give Al a jolt, so here is the response he got:
I try not to advertise my position on guns on the blog because the ATF in America is trolling the Internet looking for keywords which suggest illicit arms sales. I would hate for them to pull my guns license which allows me to sell assault rifles at gun shows. They are very popular with the deer hunting crowd, although I doubt the deer are so enthusiastic.
If you are interested in purchasing a gun, let me know. I happen to know someone in your area who sells them. Will you be needing clips to go with that?”
The Sixth Bullet
A gun enthusiast and NRA member from Minnesota hatemailed me about Russian Roulette: An Introduction. His chief complaint was I used the wrong photographs to illustrate my post. You see, as he (in)correctly points out, I was not using revolver ammunition.
After 300 (non-capitalized) words about bullets, he proceeded to prove the five people featured were wrong in their assumptions. At this juncture, I am unsure as to what his point in not making a comment on the post was. James would then reveal the true point of his hatemail.
- No one “could possible be that stupid about the interent“.
- I am “wasting my time bloging when I [sic] should be doing interent classes”.
- “if you was a real writter you would’nt be writting about stupid people.”
Since James comes to Friday Follies via an email link, I can only stick pins into the voodoo doll which wears the name tag “internet rubbernecker” and think evil thoughts about whomever emailed this person a link to M3. I penned the following response.
After more than two decades of writing for publications and the Internet, I refer you to the links below for headlines in newspapers and Yahoo! News which I have written. Perhaps, before viewing them you should take a few moments to peruse the various topics on M3 which have nothing to do with stupid people.
I think I shall take your suggestion of creating Internet classes to educate those who do not have the Web prowess I possess. Would you like to sign up for my first class? The subject: How to write an email using basic English grammar and spell check.
PS You may want to avoid the M3 tag “Friday Follies”, as it will certainly cause you more angst.”
Here’s hoping he cannot resist seeing his name in lights!
I hope your week has been free of hatemail, nurdles, grammar mistakes and stupid email. Until next week’s Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, Happy Valentine’s Day!