Welcome to M3 Friday Follies!
It is Friday night and time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere for Friday Follies! Do you have a pair of handcuffs? We are going to need those. You can keep the key. We will not need it. Before we go any further, we need to recognize two lovely ladies who frequent M3. The mistresses of Articles of Absurdity and Yo-Yo Dyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Division have both been constant followers of the Friday Follies. Both of these brilliant women noted, numerous times, the hatemailers must either love M3 or really be followers, albeit clandestine ones. Tonight’s first folly goes out to the two of them.
Busted
After last Saturday Evening Post, I have gotten some heartfelt worried emails about my health and the kiddles, but I got one which was heartfelt in a heart squeezed in a vice kind of way. A California man going by the name Ken pecked at the poison keyboard to send me this gem of a hatemail:
It is about [expletive] time!!! You are such a [expletive]. Who give a flying [expletive] why you are doing it? Do you think any [expletive] body reads all that [expletive X 2] you write? You shoulda cut back before you [expletive] started posting 8 blogs a [expletive] day. I cant [expletive] believe you are writing a [expletive] book! What is it? a comic book? o, it cant be a comic book…you arent [expletive] funny!”Wow! Such colorful language.
![[expletive]](http://mommasmoneymatters.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/expletive.png "expletive logo")
He would [expletive] on about how Bearman had robbed a legitimate mugger of a perfect opportunity to put all of my readers out of their misery and how [expletive] little I know about everything. So, what, dearest M3 Readers, did I write back to him?
Dear Mark,
Pretty Bracelets
I thought I should tell you K-E-N is not the way to spell “Mark”. The Modesto Police were kind enough to correct your spelling for me. I know that unfortunate incident in college probably left you a bit shaken, so I will chalk it up to your PTSD and not your attempt at anonymity in your veiled death threat. Oh, the MPD say they are not likely to be as kind the next time they encounter you at the liquor store on McHenry Avenue. May want to watch your behavior!”
Note: The names were only changed by the guilty.
Deviant
There are some hatemailers I have to tip my hat to when they have obviously read a post from stem to stern. Then, we have someone like Kaitlyn from New York…I am guessing upstate…way upstate. I will admit the title Middle School Mating Rituals, in the hands of the less scrupulous, may well be suggestive. Who would have guessed I am pure of mind as I write posts? Fact remains, until the following folly, it never occurred to me the pervs would crawl all over this one.
The Sovereign New York
Which one is it? Are you watching the little kids doing it or are you teaching them to defile their bodies? Don’t you know formication is a sin? Maybe you are one of those sickos who thinks it is OK to have sex with little boys and girls. People like you should be kicked off of the intranet. You know they have laws against that in my country.”
When I picked myself up off the floor and wiped the tears from my eyes the second time, I put on my sweetest smile and penned the following:
Which one of the 12 commandments is formication? I tried to find it on the bible sites, but I just got “Search term not found”. I am so glad you live in a different country from me. Sounds like the laws there are much harsher than the United States. My government does not prosecute puppy love between middle school students. I hope they never hear of your country’s laws. With that New World Order thing, the US just may adopt those sorts of laws.”
I wonder how long I would have to naturalize? (Writes note to self to tell funny New York story in some random Saturday Evening Post.)
Impossible
Some of the things I have done in my lifetime have left many people shaking their heads. The most common question I am asked is How do you do it? I normally flip a response which translates to one step at a time. Our next hatemail is one which put the question in the form of a statement. Robert is from Colorado. I have to venture the guess: His air is thin. (No, that is not a bald joke…Read it right.) Reading Who is Driving This Flying Circus? put him in quite a tizzy. Observe.
Expecting again?
There is no way you have toddlers and teenagers. No one can have children for that long. Unless you are adopting or are a mutant like that Dugger woman. Reading some of the trash you write you probably are some preggo who doesn’t have anything else to do but spew garbage on the internet.”
He went on to postulate I worked in a daycare if my colleagues acted like toddlers or teens. Then, he theorized I must be in the throes of dementia or Alzheimer’s to think this way. Not sure, exactly, how that strengthens his pregnant theory. Since this is a late addition to the Friday Follies, what do you think I should send him as a response?
Revolting
No.
Our next folly comes from Taiwan. Chan is a non-Bear-believer. You may recall from the 13th edition of Friday Follies: Kursad was convinced Bear was a fig newton of my imagination. Chan must be his twin sister separated at birth. From Mantra’s version of the alphabet, she penned this winning hatemail, compliments of Google Translate, since my Mandarin leaves a lot to be desired:
Not write alphabet from not have enough symbols. Not find you man what do this walk on hands. How man born from egg? Poem ugly. Not write more. Not have man what be this on you.”
I sincerely hope Google translate does not butcher what I sent back…or do I? (Sinister grin.)
Write I next time under Mandarin what read you on Bear. Lucky my find the Bear what can this walk on hands. Not born Bear from egg…Is Bear egg. Have Bear me beside. On me Bear your business of none. Zài jiàn!”
Perhaps, I should start writing for all the Indian spam bots. Shall we put it to a poll?
~~~~~~~~~~
I hope your week has been hatemail, teenager/toddler, formication and stalker free! Hopefully, you do not need Google Translate to get the message through! Until next week’s edition of Friday Follies, have a wonderful week!
Psst! What should I tell Robert?
~~~~~~~~~~
writerwendyreid
/ March 2, 2012I still can’t believe that anything you write about can attract the hate mail you get. I think you give great advice and are really knowledgeable. I think these people have too much time on their hands! 🙂
Red
/ March 2, 2012You are another one who subscribes to Derek’s basement theory! Thank you, Wendy *curtsies sweetly*
authormjlogan
/ March 2, 2012Redneck logic…
‘long came Dorna Sue who was a fetching lass. So fetching that “Impossible’s” dear ole dad took a hankerin to her and next thing you know, married the pretty girl. At the nuptials, “Impossible” met Dorna Sue’s equally fetching mother whereupon, in the great tradition set forth by dear ole dad, “Impossible” married her, making dear ole dad “Impossible’s” stepson, which also means, of course, that “Impossible” became his own Grandpa which in turn explains why he doesn’t understand how you can have teens, tweens and toddlers in the same household.
And if you foller that, I got a bridge fer sale in Californee that stretches clear from San-fran-cisco all the way to okayland. Why you could charge people like “Impossible” five bucks just to jump off and into the cool water on a hot summer day.
Red
/ March 2, 2012R.O.F.L.M.A.O.
By far, I have the most intelligent audience in the blogosphere!
prenin
/ March 3, 2012Thank God I don’t get hate mail!!! LoL!!! 🙂
What worries me is that these people are allowed to breed…
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
Red
/ March 3, 2012We may have to forego Laurie’s suggestion on those grounds alone, Pren!
{HUGZ}
Red.
Marc Phillippe Babineau
/ March 3, 2012Okay, I guess I’m going to have to write sensible relationship-type blog posts to get my first hate mail, my “what’s wrong with society” type of writing just isn’t getting me any!
raymond alexander kukkee
/ March 3, 2012Hahahaha! That’s hilarious, Marc! Same with me. I’ve only received a couple of mildly pornographic ones, no hate mail…..”:))
Red
/ March 3, 2012Doreen is right. Stay the way you are…the crazies will come.
Doreen
/ March 3, 2012Marc don’t change your writing style, it’s awesome and it’s fine just the way it is 😉
mysterycoach
/ March 3, 2012I’m confused. I’m usually confused by things that are utterly stupid like these people’s hate mail. I think I’ll stay confused though because what this translates into for me is that it’s pure bullshit when I read it. Much like their … ridiculous hate mail. Wow… may I never get any of it.
However, this is a GREAT IDEA to slap it up here! Oh yah! Love that!
My problem with reading hate mail initially would be something along the lines of … since confusion hits with utter stupidity, and witty goes out the window for a few minutes would be “Don’t you have to go F@#$ yourself or something? I know! I know! How articulate of me! Waacha! LOL !
Red
/ March 3, 2012I learned about 500 messages ago it is far easier to laugh at them…and then make fun of them…than it is to get bent. Some are really hateful. Some are just so…so…pathetic all you can do it try to not hurt yourself rolling on the floor. Oh, FFR, no drinking during Friday Follies because I do not replace spat upon screens. And stop by the rest room first. 😉
mysterycoach
/ March 3, 2012Ah, you’ve been desensitized? 🙂 500 messages ago? eeuuuwwwww!
I don’t know how long I would find that funny myself. Although it would force me to learn how to address idiots more effectively I suppose. 🙂
Red
/ March 3, 2012HAHAHA! No, I get about 500 a month. You have to admit, when you look at them with the snark squint, they are pretty stinking funny. I love the ones which come by Google Translate. This is the first one of them I have put up…most of the others I cannot decipher that well.
mysterycoach
/ March 3, 2012Oh a month… still. Euw. 🙂 I read stuff on aol and other sites and it’s like, my god are some people THAT evil? Course, that’s a rhetorical question.
“Snark Squint” … Hmmm… I wonder if that would work for me. You missed the whole blogging experience of Nog at my office. EUW… but Karma’s getting her and I don’t mind. Now “that” makes me laugh. 🙂
Red
/ March 3, 2012Did you leave your link in the Green Room, yet? I am not seeing it on my end. Hmmm.
mysterycoach
/ March 3, 2012Oh. Noooo I forgot all about that. Busy being hyper and productive, then freaked out then productive. 🙂 heh… I’ll go in there now… ha! like it’s a real room and stuff… hahahaha!
Red
/ March 3, 2012The way people socialize there…it is!
mysterycoach
/ March 3, 2012Kewl! I posted before I went on errands. 🙂
lorrelee1970
/ March 3, 2012Behind again on my reading. I can’t wait though with the new batch of “hate to love you and admit it” hatemailers chiming in. Thanks for the mention. It’s nice to be talked about in a good way from time to time.
I really like the theory on being pregant. I totally missed the boat on writing garbage on the internet when I was with child, but I think we should all do it during our periods. What a grand excuse to write garbage once a month!
Red
/ March 3, 2012No lie there, chick! I wrote whilst I was pregnant…kinda hard not to for me. No writing while ragging. Party while ragging. ROFL!
lorrelee1970
/ March 3, 2012With some bloody marys and all. I know. I know.
I take it these haters (lovers!) don’t have blogs…just email accounts.
Red
/ March 3, 2012Only one of this week’s had a blog. But it was one of those I signed up for WordPress so I don’t have to write my stats for every stinking comment blogs. No content for me to go and snark all over. Bummer. One of these days, I will get another Karla so we can completely make fun of another blog.
lorrelee1970
/ March 3, 2012Looking forward to it.
raymond alexander kukkee
/ March 3, 2012oh, btw, Red, I have drafted up a reply for you, since you have been kind enough to hire me as your staff writer. “:)))
. “Dear Robert, my new boss Red, preggo- mutant Dugger- woman is totally occupied writing alien comic books. She is in her 17th trimester, expecting bear-fruit any day now. Please send Huggies.”
Red
/ March 3, 2012LOL! Awesome. One correction: Pampers. All of the progeny are Huggies allergic 🙂
Christy
/ March 3, 2012The Google translate you sent back to the reader had me in stitches! I use the word ‘reader’ loosely…
Red
/ March 3, 2012It makes me wonder what it would translate to for her….A Lot!
Let's CUT the Crap!
/ March 3, 2012I love these Friday Follies. It boggles the mind that people like this actually exist. I like the way you’re handling these.
I had another blog that I finally took down because I was getting so much spam I couldn’t keep up with. I wasted all kinds of time cleaning up each and every day for about a month. Lots of porn. A large percentage was from Asia.
Red
/ March 3, 2012I think they must outsource all porn to Asia. Just like all the Mumbai call centers 😉 I only look at the spam every once in a while…when I get a new follower because I do not want their comments in the iggy bin. They eventually expire. I cannot waste my time trying to delete them all. I have enough trouble deleting all the ones in my real inbox!