Kwitcherwynin

Friday Follies

The 15th edition of Friday Follies will make you raise an eyebrow, spit coffee on your screen, shake your head and make you ask one of my favorite questions:

What keeps your skull from caving in?”

Let’s open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. Hatemail’s in!

You Deserve It!

Over the course of the last fourish months, M3 has deserved lots of things. Some of the nicest, most prolific, kindest, most inspirational, friendliest bloggers from all over the blogosphere have shown the love to M3. If you have not seen The Trophy Room, we can wait. (Look in the top menu bar, to the right.) These bloggers and fans are the 99%.

Then, there is Mervin. Hatemailing from Denmark, Merv thought all of the award show events this week were all a cover. He had some gems to back up his allegation:

All them followers didn’t get lost. They only read word pressed blogs. They were probly just coming by for pity.”

Now, since I was not sure whether I was the recipient of the pity or I was doling out the pity, I was confused. Far be it from me to pity anyone. The remainder of his hatemail cleared it up for me.

When you left the word press everyone figured out you are writting all those blogs. All you write about here is all the stuff you write on them other blogs. You deserved to lose all them followers for tricking them into reading this stupid blog.”

Now, rather than tell him about things which far exceed his brain power (like a 4% bounce rate), I decided making him feel at home in his tin foil hat was probably the best course of action:

Oh, Mervin! You cannot tell anyone! WordPress has a limit of 50 blog posts a day! If I did not have all those blogs, I would be so bored. How can I possibly get the message out with only 50 blog posts a day? By scooping up all the other websites and blogs (there really aren’t but 341 of them), I can post every 8 minutes and look like I am coming from all around the globe.

Do you think you could help me figure out a way to make all the comments? I have a hard time switching between accounts so I can comment on everything I write.

It Was Inevitable!

Every time a new acronym is designed, there is going to be someone who simply misses the boat ferry landing altogether. Johannes is one such swimmer. His hatemail originated from Pakistan. What was stuck in his craw? Johannes is steaming, hopping angry about MAD. Why? Partly because he reads Barking in the Dark and partly because, well, he missed the boat river. Here it is in his own words:

1. You spelt it wrong. It is MADD.
2. MADD would never have indorsed this.
3. Are you a lesbian? You want to do the mothers?
4. What in the word does thank you cards have to do with stopping people from killing babies with drunk cars?
5. Nobody writes like that any more. Are you trying to say we should be writing notes to thank people for drunk driving?”

Okay. I admit it. I sat before the screen and stared for a full minute before my fingers got to feverishly flying across the keyboard. I only wish I could have airmailed the longhand message!

Dear Johannes,

What a wonderful way to Make A Difference! I had never considered having sex with the mothers of MADD or writing thank you notes to the drunk drivers who irrevocably change the lives of the families of those they kill. I will gladly help with the campaign, but I need a few things from you:

1. Email addresses of available mothers. I respect marriage, so please only send single mothers’ addresses.
2. Addresses to the penitentiaries and correction facilities where the drunk drivers are housed.
3. The non-profit EIN for MADD, so I do not have to pay tax on the stationery, envelopes and pens.

Would you mind sending me your address? I would be happy to write some of the notes from you, since it is your brilliant idea!

Try a Kindergartener

My Grade Level

On Wednesday, I did something pretty far outside my comfort zone: I posted one of my drawings. It was as close as I could get to a Wordless Wednesday post, as I had found the poem and wanted to share it. Every once in a while, I draw alongside my poems.

I have never been vain enough to think I had any overabundance of artistic talent. Frankly, I did not put it up to be judged on its value to the artistic world. Instead, it was merely a reference to what maniacal thoughts were occurring to me as I wrote the poem. Yes, I am odd…I think about roses and fire in the same thought.

I can only imagine our next hatemailer is someone who has 5th Grader incarnations of all manners throughout her bunker cardboard box home: DVD, NetFlix stream, board game, PC/PS3 video game, ad nauseum. How could I be so prejudiced? Observe:

My fith grader draws better than that. [Expletive] my kindergardener draws better than that. Why do you even admit you drew it? You should’ve just claimed you found it on the internet instead of saying you drew it.”

Once I regained my composure, stopped picturing a dirty, diminutive child with a spade and was able to sit in my chair properly, I penned the following response:

Megan, you must be so proud! My art institute instructors were always so profuse with their praise, if your children are better than I am, they must be prodigies! Have you ever considered looking into scholarships for them at the Art Institutes in Iowa City? Surely, someone there could help you read the application or fill it out for you!

Hold It Tight

They are everywhere!

With the exception of the Saturday Evening Post poem called Survivors, no other poem has generated as much hatemail as this week’s Muse for Monday. I would love to blame it on the sharp turn the conversation took on Tuesday, but most of it arrived long before #TalkTuesday went live.

These are not all homegrown hatemailers, either. I got at least one from every continent except Antarctica. Let’s look at a few of them, shall we?

Janet, North Carolina

You write everything on this [expletive] blog. Don’t go pretending anybody would tell you a secret.”

Wayne, Texas

Even the interviews you do tell everybodys secrets.”

Marta, Malayasia

You have more gossip than any other blog I have ever read. I quit.”

Josh, Ontario

Every [expletive] week you are blabbing some secret about yourself. Nobody has that many secrets without having 8 personalities. Who would tell you anything?”

Carlos, United Kingdom

You tell more secrets than an American tabloid.”

Cheryl, France

I could never trust you to keep a confidence. You put up everybody’s emails so your readers can laugh at them.”

For the first time since we started Friday Follies, I was able to create a form letter as a response to the hatemailers:

Dear Hatemailer,

Thank you for visiting the M3 Blog. We at Momma’s Money Matters appreciate you taking the time to contact the staff with reference to the feature Muse for Monday.

We appreciate the privacy of all M3 Readers, according to the policy posted in The Office. It is of note, no where in the notice are those who choose to spam the M3 inbox protected from having their first names and state and/or country, along with excerpts from said hatemail, from being posted in the feature Friday Follies.

We encourage you to continue reading! Stop by the M3 Blog, and click on the new menu bar below the header graphic to view all of the Friday Follies. Check back often to see if your hatemail makes the cut!

Thank you for making the M3 Blog a funnier place. Without readers and hatemailers like you, M3 may well become just any other blog.

Red.
Super Genius behind the Curtain &
Keeper of the Stupidest Inbox in the Blogosphere
M3

~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you week has been free of hatemailers, tin foil hats, fifth graders, MADD sympathizers and gossip/secrets! Until next week’s edition of Friday Follies, have a terrific weekend! Let me know which one was your favorite.

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
Reblogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters is expressly forbidden.
Copyright and Privacy Policy available in The Office.