That is Debatable

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The hour has come. The stupidest inbox in the blogosphere is open. Are you ready for the Friday Follies? This week’s edition is brought to you by the number 10 and the letter F. Yes, that F. Warning: Do not read this with any type of liquid in your mouth. Screen spitting is a dirty habit.

Bleeping Spambots

[expletive]

Wow! Such colorful language.

We begin with the spam honorable mention. I was seriously under the impression spambots were supposed to be complimentary or at least attempt to be cyber salesmen. For the first time, I got one with a truly foul set of circuitry.

Hi! [Expletive] interesting [expletive] site! I’m really like it! Very, very [expletive] good reading!”

Perhaps, the discount viagra drained so much blood from its owner’s big head he did not know what spambots were supposed to say on a blog rated only PG.

Elementary Math

The majority of children go to kindergarten already able to count to ten. At our house, counting to ten only happens about 47 times per day. Apparently, this fundamental math is not taught in New South Wales. Or at least not the same counting I was taught. After perusing Capture the Beast!, Jack wanted to correct my egregious errors in counting…my children.

You dont have 10 kids. You got all those animals. Sos with the pig and the dogs that would mean you only have what 3 or 4? My moms got more than that and shes old.”

Since I had no idea you lost children as you aged or that only young people of today have truck loads of children, I felt compelled to pen a response back to our counting-challenged Aussie. Tell me what you think of this…

Not kids

Dear Jack,

You are correct about one thing. I do not have ten kids. In fact, I have never owned goats, although I have had quite a few other animals in our menagerie over the years.

Based on the picture you sent to me of your mother and five adults, I am going out on a limb in assuming they are her offspring. I do need to tell you, however, she also does not have kids. Those animals in the background are alpacas.

Do you think Jack is the only one wading in the kiddie gene pool?

Can’t Get Past The Teaser

Over the last 17 weeks of Friday Follies, we have had more than our fair share of hatemailers who did not read past the first paragraph. Honestly, some never got past the titles. Hatemailing from Illinois, Brandon got tripped up on Time Suck. I was not originally sure I understood what caused him to be so [expletive] angry, but it seems I hit a nerve in the very first section, which appears to be the only one he read.

It has been a while since the first time a hatemailer vaulted me to demoness status in the 4th edition, so I suppose it was about time the horns and hooves got sharpened again. Observe the second paragraph of his hatemail.

Horns and Hooves Sharp

You have to be cold hearted [expletive] to be telling peopoe not to be doing these things. Everything on that lsit is things everybody should be doing. why would you [expletive] tell somebody not to answer their email or not to babysit their [expletive] grandkids? Just palin heartless. If you dont repent and change your weays you are going to burn in hell for all the [expletive] hateful [expletive] you write.”

Since this was a late addition to the Friday Follies, I have to ask your opinion: Which response should I send to Brandon?

A

Dear Brandon,

It should come as no shock to you my initial instinct was to not answer only your email out of the 748 messages in my inbox this morning, but I decided since there was no one to rub it in your face I had skipped only yours, I am providing a response.

It is true all of the things on the list are good, at least in the eyes of most people. However, I find time much better spent reading hatemail from readers like yourself who never once read the entire post or trip over the first polysyllabic word, crushed by the knowledge a woman may know something you do not.

Since I am certain you have already stopped reading this email to begin your response about your reading skills and in tact masculinity, I am secure in believing you will not ever know what I am about to write next. For the record, I am not a demoness. I am, however, Satan’s ex-wife. Could you tell him the alimony check is late…again?

B

Hey, Brandon,

I am with you, man. Red is one heartless [expletive]. But don’t tell her I am answering her email. She never does. And she tells all the M3 Readers she does. Good thing she has a good man with a wicked sense of humor. See you in the funny papers.

Bear.

C

Dear Hatemailer:

Your hatemail has been downgraded to spam for containing the words: [expletive], [expletive] and [expletive]. Only hatemail which proficiently uses profanity is read. M3 suggests using such words in the future as [expletive], [expletive] and [expletive][expletive].

Additionally, your hatemail has been downgraded to political solicitation for containing the words: heartless, Palin and burn in hell. The author of M3 does not believe in hearts, Republicans or hell. Based on the foregoing, no solicitations for donations are accepted at M3.

Please continue to hatemail M3 after each post.

Sincerely Disinterested,
Red.
M3

It’s all about sex.

This week we began a series on the concept of time. Over the course of researching time, I read time likened to money, a drug, a plane of existence, a river, a prison and a predator. When I penned Diamonds in the Hourglass, the first non-poetic phase of this series, I never dreamed it would be so up for interpretation. Enter Madge.

Hatemailing from Connecticut, Madge looked on the entire idea of appointments in quite a different light…a red light, not to put too fine a point on it. It seems time is only valuable when money changes hands. Oh, let’s let her explain it.

The Red light means something completely different here.

The only way you can call dates “appointments” is if you are a complete prostitute. Why don’t you just get on Craig’s list with all the rest of the hookers? Nobody’s time is that important. Especially not yours.”

Yes, I will admit it. My mouth hung agape at this one, at least until the peals of laughter emerged. Do you think I passed up this opportunity? (If you answered no, we will wait for you to read a few of the other Friday Follies, just for Reducation purposes.)

Dear Madge,

Perhaps you were unaware, but the United States prohibits prostitution with the sole exception of the state of Nevada, of which I am not a resident. No one in connection with M3 partakes in, solicits or provides prostitution services.

As to Craig’s List, the stories of prostitution rings there were greatly exaggerated, at least from what I have read. Truth be told, I have only seen the site once, and then, only over the shoulder of Bear. Incidentally, being affianced to a law enforcement officer in a microbial rural town cuts down on the opportunities for the occasional trick here and there.

I hope  your week has been prostitute, expletive, goat, spam and hatemail free! Until next week’s edition of the Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, have a wonderful weekend! Don’t forget to vote on which response I should send to Brandon!


A Bit of Business: The poll closes tomorrow after the Saturday Evening Post. If you have not already, please do vote. There have been new additions to the Welcome Home page. Stop by as see what is really new and what has been finally fixed.

© Red Dwyer 2012
Reblogging of this or any other post on The M3 Blog is expressly forbidden.
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36 Comments

  1. Laurie

     /  March 23, 2012

    response, 2 or 1….but I’d open with satan’s ex-wife…..if Brandon can actually read that is…….now I’m going to fight the urge to laugh so my teeth don’t hurt, lost a filling yesterday and it seems laughing makes it hurt to…is it in bad taste to get drunk before going to the dentist?……..

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 23, 2012

      Not in the slightest. But do stay away from gin. Stick with vodka. He does have to smell your breath after all.

      Reply
  2. Definitely ‘A’!!! LoL!!! 🙂

    Madge needs a brain transplant!

    What are these people drinking???

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.
    Prenin recently posted..Thursday – sickypoos.My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 23, 2012

      I have no idea, but I think it should be named after M3, and there should be some sort of royalty attached.
      {HUGZ}
      Red.

      Reply
  3. I’m jealous. I never get crazy email like this. I’d love the entertainment. 🙂

    Reply
  4. authormjlogan

     /  March 23, 2012

    I vote for ‘A’.

    Really, you should have reminded Madge that this is a porn site after all and warned her that perusing such material is limited to those over the age of 18 or the age of majority in whichever state of oblivion she lives in.

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 23, 2012

      ROFL! I am trying to stick to the PG rating. I will have to remember that for some of the other crazies who are sure this is really a cat house.

      Reply
  5. I just started reading your stuff, but now I’m not sure I should continue. I have apparently grossly misinterpreted who you are and what your blog is about.
    Binky recently posted..Power Lemonade StandMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 23, 2012

      ROFL! It is a vast cornucopia here, Binky. Only the inbox crazies misinterpret E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I write. 😉 We do this every Friday. You will be amazed at the level of some of the hatemailers. Check out the Friday Follies tab in the menu bar for more.

      Reply
  6. I like the third response. But, they are all too long for this person anyway. Why don’t you just send something in broken English, just to keep it real. Or better yet, translate every other sentence to a different language. Or, send all three responses spaced out over three days.

    Enjoy the hate mail.
    Derek Mansker recently posted..It’s a Trap!My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 23, 2012

      I think you are far more diabolical at this than I am, Derek. I love sending them all over the course of a week. How many times can I make his head pop? Good to see you tonight!
      Red.

      Reply
  7. I’d go with B, and include Bears real email address. Because I’m pretty sure somewhere around the 3rd word, Bear would make the problem go away.
    Permanently.
    And then everybody wins!
    And Brandon gets the Darwin Award he so obviously covets!
    El Guapo recently posted..Trifextra – Finish The Story…My Profile

    Reply
  8. I love your wit, and I’m glad the crazies keep coming so you can entertain us here. 🙂

    I’d go with something like this: I not understand. You explain to me again? OR: You are the man I’ve been looking for all my life. Please send me your address and phone number so I can find you on google earth and we can become one….. (or I can send my fiance to strangle you????)

    Angie
    Angela recently posted..I is better than UMy Profile

    Reply
  9. There’s a lot more Zombies reading and adding their nonsense to your postings now Red but I guess there has to be the crackpot element to blogging, still it makes for some excellent reading material as you wade through all the numbskull entries and dismiss them in one obliterating swoop. I think Brandon suffers from Donkey Syndrome, well he certainly acts like an Ass…

    Have a wicked rest of weekend Red 🙂

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 24, 2012

      LOL! I think you are right. I wonder if there is a voodoo cure for Donkey Syndrome.

      Reply
  10. Well that will depend on where
    you choose to pin on the tail 🙂 😉 lol

    Have a fun evening Red 😉

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply

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