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Miners and Other Diggers

Friday night has come, which means it is time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. We are going to stay in my backyard for this one, as the majority of the crazies this week are homegrown. By that, I mean the western hemisphere. These appear not to have suffered through Google Translate to arrive. This edition is brought to you by the word cruel and the number 16.

That’s What It’s For

Let’s take on Contestant #1, penning hatemail from Manitoba. It seems Claude was all atwitter over Social Media Privacy Primer. From his hatemail, I was able to discern Claude is quite the social media butterfly horsefly darling. As luck would have it, he truly knows very little about any of the platforms.

You talk about people reading directions and you don’t know nothing about social media. The only reason twitter exists is so you can let everyone know what you are doing without sending an old fashioned email.”

I am certain there are scores of thousands of marketers who are going to be devastated by the news. No, that is not all Claude had to say.

Its not called mining. it is called phishing. And no body does that on facebook. All you need to keep your stuff private is antivirus software. Just get norton.”

(I am going to pause to let that level of Internet savvy sink into your brain…and turn it to mush.) Just reading his hatemail made me tired. I deemed it entirely worthwhile to Google my fine advisor to see what sort of Internet prowess he did have. Wonder what I found?

Yes, Claude is Facebook (with at least six accounts I can verify) and Twitter. He has a fetish for brunettes, low-riders, Randy Travis and online slots. He likes to fish, but has no where to wet a hook. His ex is still on one of his friends lists. He tweets from ESPN and has no real preference when it comes to sports…whatever is on the homepage will do.

What do you think I sent to our media guru?

Dear Claude,

The bigger the tires, the smaller the …

I am so pleased to get such good advice about online privacy. I see how well Norton is working for you. When you dedicated Forever and Ever, Amen to Michele, that was really sweet of you. Maybe, she thinks forever is a relative term or the bleach she put in her hair affected her cognitive skills. Or was it just your attraction to her she stripped away with her brown hair color?

I am certain the tennis championships will be better this year, too. Frankly, I think you should stick with hockey. Oh, I know someone who could paint your Acuna. Aren’t the tires more expensive than the whole rest of the truck?

Do you think it was wrong of me to not mention to his new girlfriend he is engaged to someone else on another profile?

Un-American Anti-Green

While I am more understanding (term used very loosely) of those who are outraged by my words, I am far less tolerant of those who are outraged by my pictures. While the bulk of my illustrations are compliments of the many talented photographers and snapshot shooters who offer their pictures for the world to enjoy, my own photographs are interspersed throughout M3.

Enjoying the morning sun.

Hence, my engagement in the blogosphere tradition of Wordless Wednesday remains limited. Even if I find being completely wordless a near impossibility, I attempt to put as little in the captions as I can in an effort to let the pictures evoke whatever feeling they will. Juan was affected by Wordless Wednesday Progression.

There are days when my thumb is as black as the ace of spades. It is normally not when I am tending my houseplants, and especially not with my kitchen plants. More than an half dozen tropicals, cacti and succulents are content on the counter, breakfast bar and bookcase in my kitchen. (Yes, I have a bookcase in the kitchen.) So, what is Juan’s issue? Meet Contestant #2.

You cant have that real hoya in you house. It grow wild in my country and not like living in a Americans house. You are cruel not living it outside where nature cares for it. but it probably fake any way.”

As I pondered his Brazilian heritage, I realized a plant which originated in a rain forest may well bring Juan some proprietary stirrings. I struggled with precisely what I would tell him, as so many snarky remarks immediately came to mind in response to his few comments.

It is probably best you alert the authorities in your country to find the person who kidnapped this lovely specimen of hoya carnosa. Surely, your country has laws against theft. I am certain the policia will appreciate your conserving your country’s herbological heritage.

Should I be concerned Google Translate has no idea what herbological means?

The Sweetest Pet

In what I can only describe as amazing, there was one person who felt Escape was mean-spirited and cruel. While the M3 Readers enjoyed imagining far off places and leisure-laden days, Crystal was outright angry. Enter Contestant #3.

Many animals were mentioned in the poem. Crystal, a resident of Iowa, had a problem with me mentioning one, however.

Monkeys are mean and nasty. They throw poo and bite. Bears eat people. Why did you put badgers in with your list of animals no one would ever want? badgers have to be the awesomest pet in the world. They are so sweet and loveable. You really have to be a old bitty to think there is anything wrong with badgers.”

Once I quit laughing hysterically, both at her words and the pictures, I carefully poised hands to keyboard.

What a sweet smile!

You know how the public is. They never know how kind animals really are. They are so busy listening to PETA, scientists and wildlife researchers tell them carnivores are mean and hateful because they kill animals to eat their meat. I mean, honestly, if badgers were not sweet, loving little animals (Well, some are big.), why would high schools across the nation choose them as mascots for bone-crushing football teams?

*Note: I could not include her photographs because she and (her?) children were in them all.

MAD, all right.

MAD is such a complicated word.

When I began the feature MAD (Make A Difference), I knew full well there would be those who it would affect more than others. Those with humanitarian tendencies find great nuggets to take away. Even curmudgeons can have their hearts softened when given an example of how to change their worlds.

What makes me shake my head and wonder what keeps the skull from collapsing? Hatemail from John. This Tennessee resident took great offense at Music is Good for the Soul. Observe tonight’s final contestant.

Do you just get off being creul? With all the deaf people in the world you have to be a complete [expletive] to tell people to give music as presents. What about all those people who cant get music instraments? Theres people with no talent who dont need nobody telling them to play music cos they suck at it. Dont write stupid [expletive].”

Kudos, John, for having read the whole post. Since this is the late addition to this edition of Friday Follies, you get to choose the response I send to John.

A

Finally! I have only been waiting on someone to fire me. I am so sick of writing these insipid posts, day in and day out. I will take your wonderful advice and stop writing anything except the lovely, creative pieces. Thank you for your help! Do you think I should be concerned the M3 Readers actually like the stupid [expletive] and hate the creative pieces?

B

I know in your part of the country you are inundated with the constant stream of wannabe musicians whose questionable talent would make me wish for more deafness, were I in your shoes. Do you think we should evaluate children as to their musical abilities before we let them listen to music? It worked so well for the United Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR).

C

M3 is currently not hiring for the position of editor, as it currently has an editor. If you would like to be considered for the position, please provide your curriculum vitae and cover letter to the owner of the M3 blog via United States Postal Service with a self-addressed, stamped return envelope of adequate size and with sufficient postage to receive the 18-page application, should your CV be deemed compliant with the job description.

You may choose to pay the $50 application fee with your submission of your CV or with your completed application. The fee covers the background check.

Feel free to give me alternative choices for what I should send John.

~~~~~~~~~~

I sincerely hope your week has been free of hatemail, untalented music, badgers, stolen plants and social media miners. Thank you for reading the 18th edition of Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere!

So, which will it be? A, B, C or your submission? Who wins the crown for hatemail this week?


(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
Reblogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters is expressly forbidden.
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38 Comments

  1. Definitely ‘C’ – he clearly needs checking up on! 🙂

    Badgers are mean, vicious predators blamed in the UK for spreading bovine TB.

    Here they are communal creatures who are nocturnal and eat anything they can sink their very impressive teeth into including hedgehogs…

    Right now they are experimenting with culling large numbers in an effort to reduce the spread of TB in cattle.

    Great system to test a theory…

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.
    Prenin recently posted..Thursday – feeling better.My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 31, 2012

      They are not kind to their kin. They tend to be cannibalistic when they are hungry enough. A good portion of their prey is at the cousin level.

      I did not know about the tuberculosis spreading. Hmm. Very interesting. I hope the culling works.

      And by all means, I do not want to be shelling out money for background checks. Chances are good the HR department (that would be Bear) is going to find his credentials a mite lacking in the editorial department 😉

      {HUGZ}
      Red.

      Reply
  2. I definitely vote C. I’m not sure why, but I do like that better than the other two.

    I have been considering sharing your posts directly with my G+ circle called “annoying idiots.” Please don’t ask why I have such a circle, but currently there are 37 people in it. It might just give you more fodder for these wonderful Friday evening posts.

    MJ
    A Vote for C recently posted..BiographyMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 31, 2012

      I think that is a fabulous idea. And I have a circle called “Don’t circle back”. It is my official iggy bin. It is right next to the one called non-ESL. Google is translating me to them, but not returning the favor. I only read right to left when my children design books. By all means, share away! How much worse can it get??

      Reply
  3. they’re silly people… maybe it’s sheer boredom that makes them all lash out so irrationally. Whose to say… You at least come up with funny responses, eventually I’d probably lose patience and block them in some way from writing. Blegh…
    mysterycoach recently posted..~ … huh … ~My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 31, 2012

      My sarcastic bone is never broken. Yes, there are times I tire of the nonsense, but it is normally fuel for more caustic responses. 😉 Good to see you, MC.

      Reply
  4. I just love these–you are such a great writer, Red! The animal response was hysterical… was she thinking of “hedge hogs” that make adorable little pets? You know, the ones without long incisors and a tendency to inspire dictionary definitions for “bullying”. Who knows. I’m always stunned by this hate mail, I don’t know why anyone has that much time + that little sense on their hands. Anyway, I vote for a subtle combo of #B and C for your response for the last one. Maybe instead of filling out the 80-pg application, he could compose his thoughts into an 18-measure sonnet with lyrics that describe his infinite qualifications (I know, it will be hard for him to decide…) Bonus points for rhyming and homemade instruments. Digital files accepted, or YouTube upload.
    Laura recently posted..Picture Day: Street Art UtopiaMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 31, 2012

      ROFL! You are just as diabolical as I am!! I LOVE that idea!

      And yes, badgers EAT hedgehogs….

      Reply
  5. Ted

     /  March 31, 2012

    It never ceases to amaze me how hiding behind a computer can make some people so bold. They spread words of hate and stupidity thinking no one will know who it really is. I agree with Laura a combination of B and C should put the lovely John in his place.

    Reply
  6. What a great success Red, your fools of plenty just gets better and better 🙂 Now I wonder who the next batch of losers will be? I can hardly wait for your wonderfully witty retorts 🙂

    Have a lovely rest of evening Red 😉

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 31, 2012

      Would it surprise you to know I have one already over this post??? I hope you are having a great weekend. 😉

      Reply
  7. oh my this was fun! are you kidding me? I am a little jealous as I think I would like some mail like that just for fun… wow! I have to say I like C the best cause you know the … um he would be probably staring at it mouth agape thinking Huh? or even better running around telling everyone that he got a job offer (he thinks maybe) but combining B and C would be even better – I know I am coming in late on this but it;s just too good to pass up.. just out of curiosity, did Badger girls pictures with her kids also include their cuddly pet badger?
    Lizzie Cracked recently posted..It’s a TP Problem – I Swear! Mid Afternoon Mental MomentMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  April 1, 2012

      Every stinking one of them, Lizzie. That is why I could not include them. I would never violate someone’s privacy that way…even if they did give it to me according to the privacy policy! I get these weirdos every week. (Check the lower menu bar for all the Friday Follies editions.)

      I can only imagine it will get worse with me doing A to Z. Buckle up, Betsy, this could be a bumpy ride!!

      Reply
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