Friday night has come, which means it is time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. We are going to stay in my backyard for this one, as the majority of the crazies this week are homegrown. By that, I mean the western hemisphere. These appear not to have suffered through Google Translate to arrive. This edition is brought to you by the word cruel and the number 16.
That’s What It’s For
Let’s take on Contestant #1, penning hatemail from Manitoba. It seems Claude was all atwitter over Social Media Privacy Primer. From his hatemail, I was able to discern Claude is quite the social media butterfly horsefly darling. As luck would have it, he truly knows very little about any of the platforms.
You talk about people reading directions and you don’t know nothing about social media. The only reason twitter exists is so you can let everyone know what you are doing without sending an old fashioned email.”
I am certain there are scores of thousands of marketers who are going to be devastated by the news. No, that is not all Claude had to say.
Its not called mining. it is called phishing. And no body does that on facebook. All you need to keep your stuff private is antivirus software. Just get norton.”
(I am going to pause to let that level of Internet savvy sink into your brain…and turn it to mush.) Just reading his hatemail made me tired. I deemed it entirely worthwhile to Google my fine advisor to see what sort of Internet prowess he did have. Wonder what I found?
Yes, Claude is Facebook (with at least six accounts I can verify) and Twitter. He has a fetish for brunettes, low-riders, Randy Travis and online slots. He likes to fish, but has no where to wet a hook. His ex is still on one of his friends lists. He tweets from ESPN and has no real preference when it comes to sports…whatever is on the homepage will do.
What do you think I sent to our media guru?
Dear Claude,
- The bigger the tires, the smaller the …
I am so pleased to get such good advice about online privacy. I see how well Norton is working for you. When you dedicated Forever and Ever, Amen to Michele, that was really sweet of you. Maybe, she thinks forever is a relative term or the bleach she put in her hair affected her cognitive skills. Or was it just your attraction to her she stripped away with her brown hair color?
I am certain the tennis championships will be better this year, too. Frankly, I think you should stick with hockey. Oh, I know someone who could paint your Acuna. Aren’t the tires more expensive than the whole rest of the truck?
Do you think it was wrong of me to not mention to his new girlfriend he is engaged to someone else on another profile?
Un-American Anti-Green
While I am more understanding (term used very loosely) of those who are outraged by my words, I am far less tolerant of those who are outraged by my pictures. While the bulk of my illustrations are compliments of the many talented photographers and snapshot shooters who offer their pictures for the world to enjoy, my own photographs are interspersed throughout M3.
Enjoying the morning sun.
Hence, my engagement in the blogosphere tradition of Wordless Wednesday remains limited. Even if I find being completely wordless a near impossibility, I attempt to put as little in the captions as I can in an effort to let the pictures evoke whatever feeling they will. Juan was affected by Wordless Wednesday Progression.
There are days when my thumb is as black as the ace of spades. It is normally not when I am tending my houseplants, and especially not with my kitchen plants. More than an half dozen tropicals, cacti and succulents are content on the counter, breakfast bar and bookcase in my kitchen. (Yes, I have a bookcase in the kitchen.) So, what is Juan’s issue? Meet Contestant #2.
You cant have that real hoya in you house. It grow wild in my country and not like living in a Americans house. You are cruel not living it outside where nature cares for it. but it probably fake any way.”
As I pondered his Brazilian heritage, I realized a plant which originated in a rain forest may well bring Juan some proprietary stirrings. I struggled with precisely what I would tell him, as so many snarky remarks immediately came to mind in response to his few comments.
It is probably best you alert the authorities in your country to find the person who kidnapped this lovely specimen of hoya carnosa. Surely, your country has laws against theft. I am certain the policia will appreciate your conserving your country’s herbological heritage.
Should I be concerned Google Translate has no idea what herbological means?
The Sweetest Pet
In what I can only describe as amazing, there was one person who felt Escape was mean-spirited and cruel. While the M3 Readers enjoyed imagining far off places and leisure-laden days, Crystal was outright angry. Enter Contestant #3.
Many animals were mentioned in the poem. Crystal, a resident of Iowa, had a problem with me mentioning one, however.
Monkeys are mean and nasty. They throw poo and bite. Bears eat people. Why did you put badgers in with your list of animals no one would ever want? badgers have to be the awesomest pet in the world. They are so sweet and loveable. You really have to be a old bitty to think there is anything wrong with badgers.”
Once I quit laughing hysterically, both at her words and the pictures, I carefully poised hands to keyboard.
What a sweet smile!
You know how the public is. They never know how kind animals really are. They are so busy listening to PETA, scientists and wildlife researchers tell them carnivores are mean and hateful because they kill animals to eat their meat. I mean, honestly, if badgers were not sweet, loving little animals (Well, some are big.), why would high schools across the nation choose them as mascots for bone-crushing football teams?
*Note: I could not include her photographs because she and (her?) children were in them all.
MAD, all right.
MAD is such a complicated word.
When I began the feature MAD (Make A Difference), I knew full well there would be those who it would affect more than others. Those with humanitarian tendencies find great nuggets to take away. Even curmudgeons can have their hearts softened when given an example of how to change their worlds.
What makes me shake my head and wonder what keeps the skull from collapsing? Hatemail from John. This Tennessee resident took great offense at Music is Good for the Soul. Observe tonight’s final contestant.
Do you just get off being creul? With all the deaf people in the world you have to be a complete [expletive] to tell people to give music as presents. What about all those people who cant get music instraments? Theres people with no talent who dont need nobody telling them to play music cos they suck at it. Dont write stupid [expletive].”
Kudos, John, for having read the whole post. Since this is the late addition to this edition of Friday Follies, you get to choose the response I send to John.
A
Finally! I have only been waiting on someone to fire me. I am so sick of writing these insipid posts, day in and day out. I will take your wonderful advice and stop writing anything except the lovely, creative pieces. Thank you for your help! Do you think I should be concerned the M3 Readers actually like the stupid [expletive] and hate the creative pieces?
B
I know in your part of the country you are inundated with the constant stream of wannabe musicians whose questionable talent would make me wish for more deafness, were I in your shoes. Do you think we should evaluate children as to their musical abilities before we let them listen to music? It worked so well for the United Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR).
C
M3 is currently not hiring for the position of editor, as it currently has an editor. If you would like to be considered for the position, please provide your curriculum vitae and cover letter to the owner of the M3 blog via United States Postal Service with a self-addressed, stamped return envelope of adequate size and with sufficient postage to receive the 18-page application, should your CV be deemed compliant with the job description.
You may choose to pay the $50 application fee with your submission of your CV or with your completed application. The fee covers the background check.
Feel free to give me alternative choices for what I should send John.
~~~~~~~~~~
I sincerely hope your week has been free of hatemail, untalented music, badgers, stolen plants and social media miners. Thank you for reading the 18th edition of Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere!
So, which will it be? A, B, C or your submission? Who wins the crown for hatemail this week?
Androgoth
/ March 30, 2012Yes another really great posting Red and with all these mind warping loons adding their detestable comments I can see this Stupidest Inbox theme being an even greater success than it already is 🙂 Of course poor Claude the Terrible is probably still engaged to his dog, she likes all the breeding but can never find the right bone… Perhaps Norton can help his flagging abilities towards love in the kennel of despondency? 🙁
It never amazes me just how gormless some people around the Internet really are and thank you for bringing these numbskulls to the fore…
Have a fun evening Red 🙂
Androgoth XXx
Red
/ March 30, 2012LOL! I love the entire dog scenario. So, what should I send to John?
Androgoth
/ March 30, 2012Now that could be an interesting notion but you know I think that you have all the bases covered and don’t really need my slant on cattle-prod orientation 🙂 lol
He is certainly something
though isn’t he my great friend? 🙂
Androgoth XXx
valentinelogar
/ March 30, 2012I am going with “C”
But you know me, I am by nature a capitalist!
valentinelogar recently posted..Duplicity with a Dash-Healthcare and the GOP
Red
/ March 30, 2012You know I am going to be floored when the $50 money orders start rolling in…right?
I can't remember who I am
/ March 30, 2012Ahhh! The joys of people with narrow mindedness. It never ceases to amaze me, how often people only look at a narrow picture instead of the whole surround. Did you know that there are some vibrations that a deaf person can feel?? If music is so bad for deaf people then the blind cannot read, and that is a fallacy.
Monkeys, hummm.. There was a house around the corner that was called the Monkey House. The woman raised Spider Monkeys. Clean as a whistle that house was. badger, well lets just say I hope it never sinks it’s teeth into the had that feeds it….
As for Dear John, well grammatically speaking, I wonder if he truly understands what he reads. His vocabulary is only exceeded by his I.Q. ????
Red
/ March 30, 2012Of course you are correct, Cherie. We can only hope the badger does bite her eventually. I have long since come to realize there is a reading comprehension crisis worldwide. Good to see you tonight. 😉 <3
John McDevitt
/ March 30, 2012How about deaf monkeys who steal plants and brag about it on social media.
Red
/ March 30, 2012I think that could have been the title!
angela
/ March 30, 2012I vote for B just because it tickles my funny bone. How do these people find you? You must be a loon magnet or something. Much better than being the loon! Maybe you could introduce plant boy to badger girl and the two could go off and create another species???? Angie
Red
/ March 30, 2012Somehow, I think that would violate about 18 laws of nature. I wholly applaud the entire concept!
El Guapo
/ March 30, 2012I like C, but there may be some kind of mail fraud issue if he actually sends the $50.
Perhaps add in a few lines to B about the greatness of both kinds of music, Country and Western.
Then ask him to please get therapy for the pain he still obviously feels from being unable to start what would have surely been a wonderful music career, and ask him to channel his anger into interpretive dance.
El Guapo recently posted..Friday Foolishness – Blustery Edition
Red
/ March 30, 2012No mail fraud if I actually DO the background check. I think I would much prefer to triumph his astute observations with an explicit explanation of zydeco. I am certain it would keep him from applying for the job. By interpretive device, do you mean the universal translator which renders redneck into English?
El Guapo
/ March 30, 2012Nono, interpretive dance.
You know, like Star Wars Kid.
El Guapo recently posted..Friday Foolishness – Blustery Edition
Red
/ March 30, 2012Apparently, I have been reading too much today…that or my dyslexia is acting up. OMG can you imagine that in a body stocking? *shudder*
Binky
/ March 30, 2012I’m not sure about pets, but badgers are quite interesting animals and I don’t believe nearly as vicious or dangerous as generally portrayed. “Incident at Hawk’s Hill” is a compelling account, supposedly based on a true incident, of a young boy being befriended and protected by a badger in the Canadian wilderness.
Binky recently posted..Horse Sense vs. Horse Safety
Red
/ March 30, 2012That was a good book. They are kin to otters and skunks. Most of them are solitary. While they do not defend their territories from others, they do protect their burrows (setts). Seems to me, if anyone was invading my home, I would likely be upset as well.
Bear
/ March 30, 2012Claude please change the spelling of your name… it should be clod.
To the lady who thinks badgers are great, stick one down the front of your pants. Then call me. I just need to know what you think afterward.
Monkeys gotta love ’em. Those poo flingers are sooooooo fun to be around… duck, Ethel!
John, your play on words or spelling is just wonderful and your thought brilliant! Deaf people and music… never heard of it.
Red
/ March 31, 2012Clod…I love it!
Derek Mansker
/ March 30, 2012I wonder if John had an idea as to what you could actually write. Writing, in fact, is offensive (by his logic) because some people can’t write. Stop speaking because some people can’t talk. Stop eating because some people have trouble with weight or nutrition. Stop breathing because your breathe might bother someone else, or might offend a dead person who can’t breathe. What can we say to each other that might not leave someone else out?
I wonder if he has a goldfish named gill and a therapist named Dr. Marvin. That would at least make for a good story. In this case, he is just more confusing than funny.
In any case, nice job attracting the strange. It makes for a lot of fun for all of us.
Derek Mansker recently posted..Making sure God’s Word is not rare.
Red
/ March 31, 2012LOL! I am so glad. I will never understand the hypersensitivity. I suppose I should never exercise my brain because he chooses not to engage his. Ah, well. At least it gives us something to laugh about on Friday Follies 😉
Liquorstore Bear
/ March 30, 2012NOT ALL BEARS EAT PEOPLE! SOME OF US ARE VERY PEACEFUL AND WILL EVEN DRAW UP YOUR ASTROLOGICAL CHART FOR YOU.
I like response C; I think that guy needs to show you some credentials.
But it was your first hater who freaked me out. What a pretender! Honestly, these fake Facebook profiles! 😉
Liquorstore Bear recently posted..ASTROLIQUOR for March 30 to April 5—What the stars say you should drink!
Red
/ March 31, 2012So glad you dropped by to also stand up for bears. Ain’t it the truth? He needs to be forking over some authority. So many people have more than one profile. So far, the one I met with the most had 18. Complete whack job.
And I need to go see what my horoscope says…beyond I am thirsty. 😉