Penny Postage

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It is time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, since it is bursting at the rivets. Buckle up for 25th edition of the Friday Follies. Stow your drink out of reach. Your program will begin as soon as everyone returns from the restroom and is seated. Silence is neither required nor suggested.

Rent-a-Progeny

Despite the obvious genetic characteristics I have passed to my children, and the renown I have around the globe for my uberity, rare is the occasion I show them in virtual public without the doubters teeming like sharks in a gutting tank.

Meet Jerome. Hatemailing from Utah (hold the jokes until you read this), he feels something is amiss with Mother’s Day Reasons.

You can’t claim every kid you ever took a picture of as yours. Nobody has that many kids these days. How much did you pay that family to stand together? They have cute kids, but there’s no way those are all yours.”

Now, give the name of M3 and the overwhelming penchant of saving money, the thought of paying someone to pose as anything makes my eye twitch. In this particular post, there was even a savings of words. Complete bargain basement post. What did I scrape together for Jerome?

It is just a little place downtown.

Since you are from Utah, I would have thought by now you would have encountered at least one practicing family from the Church of Latter Day Saints, commonly referred to as Mormons. I have just over their average number of children per family. Typically, Mormons have eight. Catholics are closely following them with an average of five.

Not sure how they got their God’s signals crossed on the go forth and populate the Earth scripture, but where I come from, anything less than eight means you obviously have central heat and/or satellite television. I think I need to buy the rights to Johnny Carson’s syndication. By far, it was the least controversial form of birth control.

You are right about one thing, though. The men in the wedding photographs are not my children. The law still frowns heavily on marrying closer than cousins.

Cruel & Unusual

Of the hundreds of phrases uttered to describe me, I lay claim to Cruel & Unusual with more alacrity than any other. My forms of communication and discipline are novel, even if my standard babysitting kit includes duct tape, a staple gun and Velcro.

Meet Carl. Hatemailing from New Brunswick, Carl seems to think What Momma Says is both cruel and unusual. Behold his ode to the F-bomb. I hope you can still understand with the curse words removed.

You are one [expletive] sick [expletive]! People who beats their [expletive] children needs to [expletive] be thrown under the [expletive] jail to rot and die. Why you gonna [expletive] beat those precious babies until your sick [expletive] [expletive] FEELS BETTER???!!! CPS needs to be called to your [expletive] trailer park and take all those babies away from your mother [expletive] [expletive] [expletive].”

Tears. This one literally brought tears to my eyes…and a sharp pain to my side. At least I had swallowed the coffee before I read it.

Some of the M3 Readers may not know my most popular piece I have ever written. It is not on M3. It has been used as a reference in more than 100 articles and three television programs on educational television. It held the number one Google search result for four consecutive years.

My horns grew three inches whilst I typed the response.

When only the best will do. Oak.

Perhaps, you should have looked at the pictures in the post before this one to see most of my children are adults. Needless to say, they lived. What you really need to do is invest in good tools which do not leave marks. That way, the spanking is just between you and the child. No silly government interference. Let those bleeding hearts live with the monsters for a while.

The last time CPS was here, I made that woman cry. She really needed better manners.

Thought you might like to know, most people do not rot until after they die.

And for the record…all of my girlfriends were childless.

Want to lay odds he responds asking for pictures?

Please Sit Down

Back before the A to Z Challenge, we began working on what was destined to become a series, or regular feature, Blogging Basics and Marketing. After reading far too many blogs which all say the same thing, yet never once tell you what to avoid, I decided to share what I have learned in the UHK.

Meet Fabian. Hatemailing from New York, he has a problem with the content of Time to Sit Up. It seems he was in the market for some different advice.

WTF? I though you were going to be giving advice on how to make a successful blog. WTF is this? You don’t explain anything. Why aren’t you telling people to how to research keywords like all the good blogs do? Don’t you know anything about blogging? Judging from this, I guess not.”

Let’s get interactive. You tell Fabian what you think.

Put Your Behind In Your Past” ~ Pumba

There were only a few of the M3 Readers who defected during the A to Z. The hatemailers proliferated. Is it any wonder Friday Follies is going to feature one more?

Meet Trisha. Her hatemail arrives from the Ontario. Apparently, she did learn something.

I think everybody who visits this blog learned something during that god-forsaken challenge. They learned you are an insufferable [expletive] who thinks she knows everything. You insulted everyone I shared your posts with. All of them think you should have your therapist’s license revoked. Not everything is your fault you know. Parents [expletive] up most people. Prolly tho, you are only writing about yourself.”

Time to vote. This one sent me clearly around the bend. I had more responses than I could manage, so you get to choose which one I send to Trisha.

Thank you for your hatemail to M3. Red is currently busy assisting those who actually need or desire her advice or guidance. M3’s policies on advice and disclaimers are listed in The Office. If you are in need of medical or psychiatric assistance, please dial 911 (if you are in a country which supports this system) or contact your nearest hospital. Only licensed practitioners should treat the mentally ill.

Please feel free to use the Ask Momma contact form if you have a question for Red. Thank you again, for contacting M3. Your continued support is appreciated.

~~~~~

TWOYou are right, Trisha. Not everything is my fault. I recognized that years ago. It has been an integral part of my continued positive outlook. I do have to disagree on one point, though. Parents do not [expletive] up most children. On the contrary,

~~~~~

THREE

 I have been saying it for years…It makes me ill someone needs a license to drive a car, but not to bring a human into the world. You would think by now the PTB would get over themselves and their idiocy so schools could teach psychology classes to twelve-year-olds when they learn how to breed.

Save yourself and never have children. They cause all sorts of mental illness. At least, they cause all the ones they do not already have.

You have my curiosity piqued. Are you the one who shared M3 with the Ontario Shores Centre for Mental Health Sciences? I adore their newsletter.

For those who are not in Canada, the OSCMHS is the name for the center which replaced the Ontario Hospital for the Insane.

[Expletive] Cubed

It seems [expletive] was the word this week. It was used as an adjective, noun, verb and adverb in the hatemail. What arrived from Sussex was no different. Apparently, Ron was outraged by Alphabet Soup.  Please peruse his command of the native tongue of England.

you gotta be [expletive]ing [expletive]ing me. who the [expletive] talks like that? this [expletive]ing blog needs a mother [expletive]ing warning…if you hadnt got to grade 14 dont bother to try to read this [expletive]ing [expletive]. nobody [expletive]ing understands this [expletive] and your not empressing [expletive]ing nobody by tryingto use [expletive] words nobody never heard of before. just [expletive] talk [expletive] english like every [expletive]ing body else you stupid [expletive]”

I suppose he told me. Yes, the wicked grin spread wide for this one.

Dearest Ron,

You apparent umbrage to my use of the Queen’s English is duly noted; however, I am compelled to inform you the use of profanity is not supported on M3. Your incessant use of the word [expletive] is obfuscating your points. If you were to choose polysyllabic words of varied length, your letter would carry a meter which is more palatable. As it remains, your tenor and tone leave much to be desired.

Ultimately, such letters fail to convey their intent whilst leaving the reader with the distinct impression your lineage could be traced through the genus asinus.

Perhaps, I could refer you to a tutor who would be versed in the art of writing in your native tongue.

I failed to send the corresponding picture of his alleged parent:

Mom! She is calling me names I don't understand!

~~~~~~~~~~


I sincerely hope your week has been free of hatemail, asses, the truly insane, spankings (unless you like that sort of thing) and other people’s children. From the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, thank you for joining me for the 25th edition of the Friday Follies. Pen me a response to send to Fabian and tell me which response we should send to Trisha. Happy Friday!

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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49 Comments

  1. Laurie

     /  May 18, 2012

    Send 3 to trish. I have no idea what to say to the other one…..I”m at a loss for words. Fridays are always great for a laugh.

    Reply
  2. No hatemail. I’ve dealt with some asses. I live with some of the insane and I cannot comment on who got the spanking in my house. Although it hurts to sit down.

    I’m beating a dead horse (in a humane way..if haters are reading). JEALOUS of your haters. Where can I get me some of that crazy??!!??
    lorrelee1970 recently posted..Friday Frenzy (5/18/12)My Profile

    Reply
  3. Red

     /  May 18, 2012

    PLEASE DO NOT SEND TO FB VIA THE LIKE BUTTON!!! WP fried this post and the like button does not work yet….
    Red.

    Reply
    • And you complain about my share button
      Bearman recently posted..Super Man CartoonMy Profile

      Reply
      • Red

         /  May 19, 2012

        LOL! When this post went live, WP assigned ALL links to it to example.com. I like to never got this one to function even close to properly. Ugh. I finally gave up and just removed it.

        Reply
  4. Becky

     /  May 18, 2012

    I love that Fabian was so let down by your blog. If he’s such a fantastic blogger, what is he doing trying to find tips on being a good blogger? Shouldn’t he be writing his own blogs on how to be a good blogger?

    As for Trisha, I’m quite fond of response #2. I feel like it’s short, and to the point. I feel like her small mind could process that response the best. Plus, it’s a total burn.

    Might I add, I love that people hatemail you regarding grammar, and their e-mail to you is so full of mistakes it isn’t funny. They misspell words that my niece in 1st grade can spell without trouble. Do their computers lack spell check? Then again, it probably wouldn’t work with their potty mouths. I am only 21, and I know that if I want my point to get across, I can neither yell, nor swear, because the person I’m addressing doesn’t respond well to that. How hard is it?

    My week was filled with other people’s kids, but they’re good little kids. So, I cannot complain. Thank you, Red, for the good laugh. I hope that you have a fantastic weekend!

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 18, 2012

      If their mouse could reach the spell check button, it could likely crawl off the desk and get away from them. I am with you about Fabian. Glad you had a good week and a good giggle. Glad to see you tonight, sweetpea. Red xxx

      Reply
  5. Another enjoyable tossed salad of colorful comments, sliced and diced by your skilled hands. Thanks for the laughs on this Friday night!
    Phil recently posted..Preakness Stakes 2012My Profile

    Reply
  6. But I thought everything was your fault. Now I’m going to have to look for someone else to blame.
    Binky recently posted..Extra Healthy WeightMy Profile

    Reply
  7. Well I like parts of both two and three. For example, the newsletter bit was riveting. Also, I loved the letter you wrote at the end. Too funny! In other news, I think I need to try reading blogs I hate and then sending them to all of my friends for their opinions. Isn’t that like eating an entire meal and commenting on every bite how much you hate it? People– you don’t have to read this blog, it is your choice. But, I guess Friday’s wouldn’t be as much fun without them.
    Derek Mansker recently posted..Facebook is not an investment for me.My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 18, 2012

      ROFL! I know, right? I get such a kick out of those who will take a post and let 18 friends read it. The comments they leave are astounding. Good to see you tonight, Derek.

      Reply
  8. Yep. Three for Trish the (soap) dish.

    As for Fabian… Here’s the worlds smallest violinist playing just for him. Akim Camara at age 5 (he began when he was two).
    MJ Logan recently posted..The BogMy Profile

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  9. My godness Red what kind of Morons are these people..you know what, you will never find these people creating anything..cos all their energy is spent on writing hatemails.
    I am sure if that “gentleman” would attempt A-Z challenge the world will be blessed with new expletives
    I dont understand one thing though if you dont like a blog and find it insulting why would you forward it to your friends and spend so much time commenting on that?..
    so Trisha not only you hate your friends you hate yourself too!
    Soma Mukherjee recently posted..Just a woman…..My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      Welcome to Friday Follies, Soma. I have always been disappointed by the hatemail which is predominantly curse words. Not that they offend me, but that they show such a vast deficiency of creativity. What is fun is to seek out the blogs of the ones which do have them. You might be surprised how many people forget to remove their email signature when they hatemail (face palm).

      I have gotten a kick out of some of the hatemailers who share. I have a few of the M3 Readers who got here via ppl who hatemail. Their emails, messages and comments are always uplifting and apologetic. I hope you are having a wonderful evening. Red.

      Reply
  10. Red

     /  May 19, 2012

    PLEASE DO NOT USE THE fb BUTTONS FOR THIS POST…WP fried the original post and the buttons do not work for this post!

    Reply

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