Rats, Spiders and Trolls…Oh, my!

It is Friday. Guess what that means! Time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. This week it is crammed full of the garden variety loonies we have come to enjoy…and point and laugh at…incessantly. Stow your drink for the 29th edition of the M3 Friday Follies!

Any time I come right out and tell anyone to end a relationship, I get blasted for it by someone who feels I should mind my own [expletive] business. Last Saturday was absolutely no exception. Well, not exactly.

Normally, the admonishments come via the family or the person with whom the relationship was ended. This time…anonymous (insert wicked, evil laughter) vermin crawled out of every nook and cranny.

#1 Rat

The rat may hold a sacred place in the Chinese Zodiac, but when it comes to friends, rats are not at the top of the food chain. Meet Clarence. Hatemailing from Georgia, Clarence took issue with my characterization of ratty friends.

Rats is the best pets for people who cant have dogs and cats cos their apts says they cant have pets. Everyplace has mice so the landlord cant tell you you cant have rats.”

Hate to meet his landlord when she finds out about his best pets.

#2 Black Widow

Black Widow Spider

Knowing you have vermin and having the vermin admit they are vermin are two totally different things. Meet Tessa, a black widow spider. Hatemailing from black widow country, South Carolina, Tess has one of her eight feet on the pulse of the Saturday Evening Post.

What is the point in having friends if they are not helping you get a better job and better friends and take you places? That is what friends are supposed to do. HELP YOU get better than what you have.”

 Well, my, my. So nice to hear someone admitting they are a narcissistic, social spider.

#3 Environmental Terrorist

I have been called many names when it comes to my relationship with the environment. Conservationist is the number one title. Those who know me IRL would not dream of calling me what our next hatemailer did. Pete hatemails from California (go figure) to call me names.

Why in the [expletive] would you be telling anybody to be poisoning the environment with those Godforsaken killing chemicals? Do you know what they do to animals and plants? They cause all kinds of bad [expletive] for humans! You have to be some kind of environmental terrorist to be telling anybody to be using that [expletive].”

Now, my first visual was having a clover chain tiara and crossed rifle belts with twin grenades in both hands. However, this is not what Pete means. My horns pushed the clover off my head as I penned the following response.

Dude, you really have to be looking at the other side of the looking glass. If it weren’t for all the pesticides and poisons, how would we be keeping the plague from becoming the next AIDS? You know, I mean, again? I will read the MSDS again, but most of them are safe for the important animals, like, the endangered kind. Last time I checked, man was still not an endangered species.

Really makes me want to see him sign up for a clinical trial, right?

No, Thank You…

Teacher. The word has become synonymous with such terms as “surrogate parent”, “disciplinarian”, “salaried babysitter”, and many others. Overall, it is a public service job with comes with considerably lower pay than other jobs in the same sector and education level with very little in the way of community or even industry support.

Why am I not surprised I got MAD hatemail? Let’s welcome, and I use that term loosely, Michelle to the show. Hatemailing from Florida, she is quite put out with the thought of tipping. What? Yes, it is relevant, if you can follow her logic (another term used loosely). I promise what I redacted was both irrelevant to the chain of thought and completely inflammatory.

Do you go around tipping everybody? I am sure you tip people like the waiter and the cabbie cuz you are sposed to tip them. But I mean do you go around tipping people like cops and fireman and the mayor? Of course not. They take them jobs because they want to do service and they probly cant get in the military. They know the pay is what it is when they take the job. If they wanted more pay they shouldve signed a better contract….

…If the unions were not bleeding everybody dry they could be getting better pay. I mean how stupid is it to pay someone to talk for you? They are sposed to be educated to take the job in the first place. Why cant they talk for themselves? And i do not know what the big problem is. They only work half the year anyways. I know my kids are home all summer. Cant they just get a job?”

I am going to be completely honest. I walked away from the screen three times before I was willing not to light the inbox on fire and walk away for good. Since it is obvious Michelle’s education did not feature civics, social studies, mathematics or English grammar, I thought I may well use it to my advantage.

Dear Michelle,

I know what you mean about the salary they earn. Teachers here make $32,000 per year. I mean really, when you think about it, that is a lot of money. Let’s see how that breaks down…

$32,000 ÷ 210 days (school days + in service) = $152.38 per day

I would love to make that much….that is $16.93 per hour. I would homeschool my child for that much….wait. But then they have an average of 26 children per class…

$16.93 ÷ 26 = $0.65 per hour

What is minimum wage again? And how much are recertification classes? And how many supplies do they have to bring with them because some parent cannot afford to buy all the stuff their child needs for class? I can totally see why you think they make too much. What a drain on society for someone to teach your precious little goats for $0.65 per hour per goat.

Maybe, all the teachers could join the circus. I hear animal trainers make about $30 per hour and only have one or two animals at a time.

So pathethic…

You heard it here first. Well, not yet, but you are going to hear it….from Greg. Our late entry hatemails from Illinois. Greg took offense at a post which points others away from M3.

I had a marketing consultant use M3 as an example of bloggers who use weird techniques in getting and maintaining traffic to their blogs. She pointed to the award shows and spotlight posts I do to showcase the work of bloggers, artists and authors. Greg has a problem with it…apparently, all of it.

You have no reason to have a blog! First off, nothing you do can be considered late because nobody cares if you ever post anything in the first place. Secondly, you are not posting anything to read. This is a big list of spam links to other blogs that probably have the same non-content on them too. Third, you are so pathetic! You have nothing of your own on the whole blog. It is all about other people’s hard work. I bet the chick who ghost writes all of the poetry is not even getting paid.”

And we have a winner. Let’s get interactive. What shall we send to Greg in his grand state of non-pathetic-ness?

I like to confront complaints in the order in which they are received. Your number is 481. I am currently serving number 236. I only service 10 hatemails per day. I should get to your hatemail on approximately the third week of June, 2013. I am planning on taking off for two weeks for the end of the year. In the event you would like to rescind your hatemail, please respond to this message within 24 hours of its delivery. After 24 hours, your hatemail will be filed in the appropriate folder to be answered 49 weeks, exclusive of holidays and vacation, from that time. Thank you for your continued support of M3.

I will gladly forward your complaint the bloggers who have bestowed awards on M3, as it is apparent you feel they have awarded them to M3 in error. I am certain they will take their own issues with calling their blogs spam. Lastly, since Mantra is not a pen name for a ghost writer, but the name of my inspirational muse, I am comfortable in admitting I do not pay Mantra. I have no legal obligation to compensate her for her services as she does not qualify as either a citizen or a resident alien, as she has no corporeal form. Thank you for your concern on her behalf.

After polling a few colleagues, it is the consensus I should direct you toward the extracurricular services of Sylvan Learning Centers. I understand they have a branch in your city. When I consulted an education coach about your inability to find something to read from the more than 430,000 words on M3, he assured me your reading comprehension deficit should qualify you for financial aid based on your disability. Do bear in mind a few assumptions were made, namely:

• You are an adult over the age of 18.
• Your native language is English.
• You successfully completed a minimum educational equivalent of the seventh grade.
• If you are legally blind, you have adequate software to translate the text on an average web page and are not legally deaf.
• You do not suffer from a neurological disorder which impairs cognitive function, such as Alzheimer’s disease.

If the foregoing are all true, my sincerest advice would be to set an appointment with Sylvan Learning Centers or a facility of similar nature to overcome your literacy handicap. Thank you for visiting M3!

~~~~~~~~~~

And that, Guys and Dolls, is a wrap. I hope your week has been free of hatemail, vermin and illiteracy. Thank you for reading the 29th edition of M3’s Friday Follies brought to you from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere! I hope you are having a terrific weekend!

So, what are we going to send Greg? Any ideas for rat boy and social spider?

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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