Twice as Unnice

Since we did not open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere last week, we are going to serve up a double for the 32nd edition of the Friday Follies. Standard warnings apply, and the suggestion was floated this week a warning issue for no popcorn based on the choking hazard presented by inhaling popped kernels.

Crash!

Clyde came under fire from a hatemailer from Chicago. Now, I do not often narrow down our players to their cities, but it was a relevant portion of Carl’s hatemail.

Any idiot who would post a picture of a train wreck is just sick. If you had seen the horrible wrecks that killed all those people in Chicago you would know it is not cool to be glorifying train wrecks. What is wrong with you? Nobody is fascinated by them. They are disgusting.”

Thank you, Carl for failing to read anything except the headlines.

Dear Carl,

I may suggest you stop reading blogs and begin reading children’s books where the illustrations support the plot. On M3 the illustrations are designed to augment, not replace, the text. If you are unable to read the text, please use the  CTRL-+ method to increase the size of the fonts on the screen to assist you in being able to read the posts themselves.

Should you read the post and the comments following, I feel quite certain your future contributions to M3 would be welcomed.

M3 is not a place you come just for the pictures to show you what is on the table.

Call a Shrink.

In a classic example of not reading anything more than the excerpt delivered in the digest, Michelle hatemails M3 from Wyoming about A Melody. Since my explaining things makes no difference, let’s get with her hatemail.

You really should be seeking the services of a professional psychiatrist. It is not normal to hear voices, even if you disguise it as music. That is a symptom of schizophrenia and needs to be treated with medication from a professional psychiatrist. Writing about them will not make them go away. You could hurt someone.”

You have to be completely underwhelmed by the lack of knowledge or faith in the human race. Let’s hope she gets past the first paragraph. Oh, wait…It only is one paragraph.

I am intrigued by the professional psychiatrist idea. The psychiatrist I have says he only does it as a hobby. I go to him because his rates are the same for psychiatry and HVAC service. Where I live the heat will make you insane for certain. I thought he had made a great career choice to combine the two professions. Are you advising me to seek additional treatment?

I hope her brain overheated. Safe bet: The poem would have melted it.

About Face!

In what has become a reverse trend on M3, there are more complaints about posts being short. In the early days of M3, the complaints were mostly the posts were too long. Fortunately for the M3 Readers, those hatemailers were confused by the A to Z topics and left. Now, a new breed has taken their place. Meet their representative, Consuela.

Hatemailing from Texas, her complaint is with the first Flash in the Pan. Despite the debate as to whether this flash fiction was light or dark, she just had a problem with flash in general.

What is the point of writing something so short? There is long stuff on the back of the cereal box.”

When I quit laughing, I put this together for her:

Flash fiction is a trend which is gaining popularity again. It has many writers testing their editorial capabilities because it is difficult to get one’s characters developed, a conflict and resolution in so few words. While M3’s first month of Flash in the Pan is merely a second level attempt (first level is 100 words or less), it is by far not the briefest of the exemplary flash fiction which is being produced today.

Based on readers’ inability to hold attention beyond one minute and 42 seconds, the literary world has responded with flash fiction, including some offerings from world famous and bestselling authors…[761 words redacted for sake of Friday Follies post]

Perhaps, you could suggest a topic for Flash in the Pan which would present a challenge and hold your interest.

Wouldn’t you know it? Not only did she read the response, but she also took the time to respond.

If all of those famous writers are doing it, I guess it must be real. Why not do one on understanding?”

Stay tuned, M3 Readers. Understanding will be the Flash in the Pan for Sunday, 22JUL12. Should I submit it to a cereal company for publication so she will actually read it with all her other literary brilliance?

Not a snob. Not a narcissist. A [expletive].

I generally get a kick out of all the names I am called in the assorted hatemail. Denise’s hatemail was not entirely special except for her use of a new expletive to describe me. Hatemailing from Spain, Denise had a problem with the lead-in to the poem The Present.

When Mantra has been listening to comments or actually reading the posts, the poetry is either supportive of or inspiring to the topic at hand. The Present was just such a poem, although I am certain Denise never made it that far. She tripped on #2.

so everybody is just suppose to do [expletive] nothing? if they are not suppose to work or save for retirement or try to get ahead that makes the [expletive] poor and lazy. what kind of [expletive] [expletive] are you?”

One with her priorities straight? One with a firm grasp on the frailty of human life? One with a poisoned pen? Why, yes. All three.

If there were not poor people in the world, no one would be able to appreciate how well they truly have it.

What was the point in explaining it to her?

Field Day

When I post something which links out to a healthy number of other blogs, the haters crawl out of the (apparently infested) woodwork to attack all those linked. Concepts was no different. In a tribute to the massive collective talent assembled in the M3 Readers, we were discussing the fabulous ideas for the cover art for the Redmund Productions site where M3 will eventually move.

Hatemailing from Italy, Genovese had this to say:

Why do you bother to ask these people for advertising? That is why you hire an agency to do it. They know what is best for companies because that is what they do for a living.”

Well. Now. Really?

Your experience in advertising has me intrigued. Do you use the standard interview for advertising clients where you gauge the audience reception to web design? I believe you are just jealous I have cut out the middle man who polls the audience in site owner’s absence.

The M3 Readers are more than talented enough to provide provocative ideas for the site. Apparently, you are hindered in seeing their talent on their own sites by your inability to navigate away from the M3 site and the provocative design which was born of ideas supplied by the M3 Readers.

I hate when people disrespect what they do not know.

Poor Clyde

Clyde got a double dose for bringing up (and subsequently causing) angst. Honestly, Merriam Webster was the one getting clobbered. Pauline hatemails from Pennsylvania with an undiagnosed case of angst.

Everybody outgrows angst when turn twenty. Grownups dont have angst. They are just [expletive] off.”

Pauline was not alone, though. Buehla from North Carolina was also angst-ridden.

Insecurity is when you aren’t sure of whether or not your husband is cheating on you or not. That’s not angst. Angst is being [expletive] off because nobody understands you because you are a hormonal teenager with no good sense.”

Now, I rarely argue with Merriam Webster for definitions, and this time is no different. Let’s get interactive. What shall we send these word gurus?

See, I was sure the dictionary must have been out of date because I personally had never heard of those definitions. Apparently, I need to be hanging out with hipsters like yourself in order to stay abreast of the latest and greatest connotations for words. I noticed your great use of the word [expletive] as a sure sign you are at the top of the etymological ladder.

~~~~~

I think you have confused angst with anger. While I can see how you may be confused. That would be appropriately described as being [expletive] off. What you are describing as angst is very Linkin Park, you know, as in quite emo. Perhaps, those are words are more to your lexicon.

~~~~~

Teen angst is defined by teenagers as: A condition akin to depression affecting American teenage youths. Typically accompanied by well-justified feelings of inadequacy. (Urban Dictionary) While I am disposed to agree with this assessment, I venture there are many adults who are equally afflicted.

The choice is yours!

Latecomer

Our late entry contestant hatemails from Kentucky. Marshall has a problem with How Much Did You Try? No, I am not even going to try to explain it…

Nobody can do more than try they hardest. Everybody does they best to get things done but that dont mean it is going to be right everytime. why would you be hating on people who dont get it right the first time? You hadn’t ever screwed up nothing? Bet somebody had to be forgiving you cos your [expletive] didnt smell like roses.”

Okay, let’s be truthful. The Grammar Nazi in me had the eye twitch for 15 minutes after reading this abomination. Since my brain short circuited on this massacre of the English language, I am leaving the response to this one in your capable hands.

~~~~~~~~~~

I hope your week has been free of hatemail, teenagers, short posts and train wrecks. Thank you for spending tonight with me for the 32nd edition of the Friday Follies, brought to you from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. Have a terrific rest of the weekend!

So, dearest M3 Readers, what shall we send to Marshall? Which response is your favorite for Pauline and Buehla? Am I the only Grammar Nazi in the bunch with a twitchy eye this week?

(c) Red Dwyer 2012
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