Cruel and Unusual

This week’s opening of the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere is a testament to Cruel & Unusual. Some of the cruelty, you know, is inherent in me. The unusual is a mix of mine and theirs. Are you ready for the 33rd edition of the Friday Follies? Drinks down!

Prophetic

If you were around for Clyde’s rant on the last SEP, you recall my prophesy someone would be calling me a black pot. To say it was accurate would be a disastrous understatement. How about 11 emails? Ready for a highlight reel? The hatemailers spanned the globe, including my largest audiences (US, UK, Australia, Canada, France, Philippines & Pakistan- I discount the Indian audience, as they are mostly spammers from Mumbai, accounting for an additional whopping 118 spam comments and emails.).

1. Why is there no home button?
2. What good is the contact form if you never do what I suggest? (My favorite!)
3. If you are such a geat designer why dont your website sell something?
4. Theres too much [expletive] here to find anything. You [expletive] about search when yours sucks. Who wants 50 posts when you search?
5. This place is polluted with your [expletive]. You have no room to talk.

While the majority got a form letter thanking them for their support of M3, these got more personalized responses.

1. I suggest the CTRL-+ option on your computer, as the home navigation button is only 300 x 900 pixels. I can see how your might miss it given its industry standard location as the header on every page.
2. Perhaps, if your suggestions were not for me to emulate your blog and abandon all semblance of coherence, cohesion and cognizance, I may take them into consideration. The minimum requirements to advise M3 are: 1,000+ followers, 500+ posts, 10,000+ comments and/or 100,000 visits every six months. Please advise when you meet the threshold.
3. It does.
4. As a welcome side effect of having in excess of 550 posts, many of which were portions of serials, and a decided focus on the art and science of identity, psychology and friendship, the confluence of keywords benefits M3 in far greater measure than it inconveniences your search based on your inability to be specific.
5. 

   Think About It

   Frequently, the blogosphere is the virtual location for graduates of the School of Hard Knocks, despite many of its denizens holding assorted degrees from traditional educational institutions. It is far more personal than the corporate world, while supporting same with striking accuracy.

   Perhaps, you would be better suited perusing the dictionary, as its focus is quite pointed and far less personal. On second thought, it may well cause you angst in its personal approach with illustrations and videos. You may be best suited reading in your own personal library, free of personal interference of your reading experience.

Yes, number two is a frequent hatemailer from France. To date, the eight suggestions from this former blogger have all been stellar examples of What Not To Do. Click the link to view the blog’s obituary under Strike Three.

Warning: This is only a clone.

Spambot Honorable Mention

Also attached to the SEP, was one particular wiggler who came merely to tell me I would do very well to be partaking in phone therapy to help me cope with my anxiety and frustration, touting it as far more effective than drugs and anger management classes.

Why have phone therapy when I have blogosphere therapy? It is only second to retail therapy, which moves the whole phone sex therapy idea down to at least number six or seven on my most likely to choose this over professional help list.

Flash of Darkness

I must admit, I have been enjoying Flash in the Pan for more than just trying to stuff a story into an itty bitty box. This week’s flash was about an idea. Your answers for what Marvin was thinking were sinister and fun. Julianna, however, was convinced we were all in need of sensitivity training.

Hatemailing from King Edward’s Island, she took issue with the unnamed voice.

You really are cruel to be making fun of someone who obviously has schizofenia. The voices are in his head and he can’t help hearing them. You have to be more sensitive to the mentally handicapped. They are people just like you.”

As an admitted OCD and PTSD sufferer, to a small degree, she is correct. I got my own toothy, moldy squash grin.

My therapist advised me to attempt to walk in the shoes of another mental illness as an exercise to appreciate the benefits of my own. Since it represents such a large disruption of my normal brand of insanity, I really have to keep them short. Fortunately for me, my therapist has not noticed the serial killer theme. Silly doctor.”

*Feel free to insert maniacal laughter here.* Remember…

Loser

We had a great time with I love it when I win! More accurately, most of us did. The lone hold out was Isaac. Hatemailing from North Dakota, I am pretty certain he was looking for a Yeti.

Why you didn’t mark this blog as a comic is beyond me. I would never have come here. Like any animal has green hair.”

Scratch your head. I finally gave up after about 25 pages of finding our Bearman’s posts and comics. Just for kicks and giggles, I swapped to images and decided to send Isaac the picture he was really after:

Looking for a date for karaoke?

I can only imagine the editorial which could come of that…

The Freak Patrol

For honesty in advertising, let’s do a bit more on the unusual side (idly wonders if she can top the photo). Mantra took us to a slumber party on Monday. What can be deemed usual about this contestant is she is not alone at only reading the top screen of the post and never getting beyond the third paragraph. What is unusual is her vehement WEBSCREAMING opinion.

Hatemailing and webscreaming from New York City, Emily was a mite perturbed by Night Shift. (Caps removed for your viewing pleasure, otherwise unedited.)

There is nothing worth with ppl who wokr @ night. They are just like everybody else. They are not freaks, they just prefer to come out at niught so the lame [expletive] ppl who are so full of themselves will not laugh and point at them.”

I resisted the urge to ask some stereotypical questions as to her appearance and demeanor. Instead, this is your chance to sound off. What shall we send to our hatemailer from the city that never sleeps? Do you think we can package Isaac’s bearman?

A Second Thought?

The Thought Does Not Count stirred some hefty emotions and was cause for quite a bit of introspection from the M3 Readers, proving yet again how genial and compassionate you really are. The discussion which ensued was lively and prolific. One commenter, however, was intentionally left from the conversation whilst I verified bona fides.

Hatemailing from New Hampshire, Cris had other thoughts.

Why would you crush somebodys spirit like that? You are never suppost to tell somebody thier gift sucked or wasnt what youwanted. if you wanted something pacific you shouldve registered online and sent everybody cards. All your suppost say is THANKYOU and thenyour suppost to STFU. You probably laugh with your girlfriend about the stupid [expletive] you get that people give you. What a hartless [expletive] you are.”

This one sent my imagination around the bend. Let’s get interactive.

Apparently, you did not read the post, as its entire content addressed those to whom the saying ITTTC is ironic. However, I am prone to tell people precisely how much their gifts do suck. In fact, your grammar and hatemail to me suck enough I screamed, “Eureka!” when I got to the end. Thank you for your continued support of M3!

~~~~~

I attempted to run your hatemail through Google Translate to put it into English, but the language in which it is written is unrecognized. Could you supply the language so I can have it translated into something I understand? I would be more than happy to respond once I can understand your meaning. I adore being exposed to new language!

~~~~~

You have your oceans confused. I am on the east coast, not the west coast. You also seem to have your wildlife confused. I am not into deer or does. To be exact, I am into bears. See below.

Did I mention big claws and sharp teeth?

The Grammar Nazi.

Now, which one do you think I should send?

Blast from the Past

After a notable WordPress failure, I found there were people who were able to access the old M3. In specific, there were a number of blogosphere surfers who were researching Russian roulette and were led to Russian Roulette: An Introduction. If you have not been around long enough, please do take a moment to read it, as its contents will not be revealed by the hatemail from Jenny.

Our very late contestant hatemails nearly six months after the fact and from Mexico. Apparently, the rules of Russian roulette are not part of the general education curricula in our southern neighbor.

So how long does the game last?”

Were I unable to recall all of the participants of that particular post with the kind of visual which requires eye bleach, I may well be left to wonder if Jenny was not present. Since her hatemail was short, so was my response:

Depends on who goes first.

~~~~~~~~~~

What shall we send to Emily, the night worker? Which response do you like best for Cris? What is at the top of your most likely to try before professional help list?

Guys and Dolls, I hope your week has been free of hatemail, loaded guns, anti-Nazism and hairy karaoke. From the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, thank you for joining me tonight for the 33rd edition of the M3 Friday Follies.

PS Enter to win your copy of Emma’s book!

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