Folly Olympics

When Red got to the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, the door was hanging open. They were all different sizes, a handful of different languages and almost all of them were fodder for the Olympic 36th edition of the Friday Follies. Standard warnings apply!

Staff Writers

After all the fun Consuela and Soma had with the Flash in the Pan “understanding”, it appears the tenor of the hatemail for FTP has changed. This week, I was inundated with more suggestions for what should inhabit the flash pieces. Oh, and lots of people who questioned whether I owned a dictionary. Let’s begin with a highlight reel:

Company:

that is not what you were supposed to write about. how do you live where there are no companies? company is a business.”

Understanding:

Understanding is about getting why people do things and being kind. It is not about not getting it. You sould have written about why Lester did not understand why the boy was so nervous.”

Door:

How [expletive] lame! Why didn’t you talk about the door to the afterlife or some real reference to doors which means something besides the door to a house?”

All of these hatemailers got the same response:

Thank you for your interest in Flash in the Pan. Please do read the instructions, as email links are not honored. Pingbacks are. Happy Flashing!

PS M3 is not hiring staff writers or critics.

Is it really so tough to read the instructions? 

Grit

How many times have the M3 Readers all read the same poem and come up with completely different answers as to what it means? Oh, well, how about every week? This week’s Muse for Monday was no different. Desert was a story about a camel. Many people identified with the camel. A few even identified with the oasis/mirage. Meet Kendra. She did neither.

Instead, in a hatemail from São Paulo, Kendra was the prince.

If you are not making people do what you want you are never going to get to the promised land. I would have beaten the camel for tossing me out on my [expletive]. Should have picked a better camel. Never mind that, should have taken a helicopter. Would have been faster and cooler than trudging across the desert.”

I am quick to admit metaphor and symbolism is not designed for the literal. However, I know the image of the camel and the mirage is prevalent in most cultures. It did not take me long to latch onto the symbolism of the helo, though.

I know, right? Who in this day and age would be stupid enough to get on a camel? They spit. How gauche. I always made it a point to abuse my employees. Better they fear me than respect me.

Do you think there is anything to all the reports of helos being downed in sandstorms?”

What a princess.

Don’t be stupid…

Insulting my intelligence was the theme this week. While I was completely prepared for the literature snobs to tell me I was a fool for not buying into Shakespeare-mania, I was not entirely prepared for the hatemailers who were, well…see for yourself.

Jarred was the first of the hatemailers with a monster problem with To Thine Own Self… Challenging adages which have fallen into disrepair and misuse is a hobby I rather enjoy. This post was one such fun ride for yours truly. Jarred thinks I was standing on my head.

You have it backwards. It has nothing to do with being anything for anybody but yourself. Don’t be stupid. If Shakespeare had meant for anybody to be kind to strangers he would have said, ‘To others be true’.”

But our Canadian contestant was not alone. Meet his counterpart from Idaho, Shelli.

Don’t be stupid. Of course it means do what your heart desires. Don’t you know anything about Shakespeare? He talks about life lessons in pretty language. You aren’t supposed to interpret it.”

Boy, I am glad she missed Desert. Since it was obvious irony is a concept neither of them understood, I thought it would be best to stick with something completely alien.

While my literary training in Shakespearean literature only spanned three years, I can see I must have missed a few lessons here and there. Since Shakespeare was the Middle Ages version of a screenwriter, I can completely see where his conveying such themes as incestuous relationships, murder, suicide and larceny are definitely the life lessons I should study more deeply.

Everyone knows the best place to learn philosophy is the movies. Just think, if I follow my heart (to my own self be true), I may even be able to apply those life lessons when we meet. Do you think you could come to one of my book signings?”

I would ask what is being taught in the education systems around the world, but I believe the crickets chirping would provide the only appropriate answer.

MAD makes Mad…

…literally and figuratively. One hatemailer browbeat me with the argument children had no reason to commit suicide, fail in school or be unhappy in any respect. Another hatemail let me know there was no such thing as child suicide because children did not know how to operate firearms or tie a noose. Then, we have a flash of hatemail genius shooting like a meteor from the skies over Washington.

Getting yourself between a kid and his parents is a good way to get shot. Don’t you know that is called cusstodal interference and it is against the law? Why would you tell people to medal in raising other people’s kids? Thats just stupid.”

For those of you who are unaware, one of my degrees is a paralegal. To say this hatemail sent me into a fit of laughter is insanely understated. My mind went into overdrive, so you get to choose what I am going to send to Leslie. Let’s get interactive.

I tend to shy away from parents who have firearms. I am not sure why, though. From what I know of firearms, they are not operated easily or accurately with cloven hooves.

I was unaware interfering with the making of maps or making them with expletives was a crime. I suppose if one was using false maps to create a fraud scheme or making obscene ones to distribute to children, but I am afraid I cannot posit a plausible scenario. It sounds as though you speak from experience. Could you explain to me the details of your case? I find the law and crimes against it fascinating. Have you written a book about your experiences?

I have had a lifelong dream of making an Olympic team. The team I was on was disqualified in 1983, when we lost to an Indiana team in the junior Olympics national championships. Since then, I have made it known through letters and petitions the Olympic committee really needs to include parenting as a sport. After all, it is the only sport on the planet without a professional level. No one is ever paid to be a parent. Do you think they would disqualify teams for doping if they used Xanax?

~~~~~~~~~~

I hope your week has been free of royalty, flashers, medals and bards. Thank you for joining me tonight for the 36th edition of the Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. Until next time, have a great week!

What should we send to Leslie? How does anyone believe Shakespeare was really a philosopher? Is poetry really that hard to understand?

(c) Red Dwyer 2012
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