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Criminally Confused

The SIB sat neglected last week because it was filled to brimming with junk mail from providers, so there was a plethora of choices for 41st edition of the M3 Friday Follies. Put your drink out of reach. It is time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere.

Too Stupid

I adore when hatemailers command this level of stranglehold on the mother tongue. It kinda reminds me of pink marabou handcuffs: All fluff, no action. Meet contestant number one: Sara.

Hatemailing from Massachusetts, Sara took issue with, of all things, Where have you been? What could be her problem with an update on your missing non-spambot captain? Behold.

How stupid it is to collorate on a mytery book? What’re you gunna do, have somebody write the answer for you. Are you too stupid to figure out who dun it?”

This level of cranial concavity made me laugh hard enough to coffee spray the screen. Many apologies to my laptop for the sticky sweet bath. As an apology, I penned the following:

You know, the doctors and the coroner all gave me this massive amount of paperwork telling me all the same thing the death certificate did. You really don’t think I should take their word for it, do you?”

Here’s your dunce cap.

Gender Confused Sex Offender?

Mantra took a beating over last week’s poem I See YouIn what appears to be the thousandth case of reading nothing beyond the title/first stanza, enter contestant number two: Ellen.

In a hatemail from Pennsylvania, Ellen was convinced I, nor Mantra, was certainly not who I claim to be. Read. Disbelieve. I did.

I am going to report you to the sex offender registry. Perverts like you need to be locked away forever and castrated. [Redacted something unintelligible about bribing magistrates.] Lascivious, lecherous old peeping men like you are what is wrong with society. Pervert.”

Yes, dearest M3 Readers, we got one who can spell. She may not be able to read or write coherently based on the compromised comprehension level, but let’s give it a whirl.

I will have you know, when they castrated me, I went for the whole package. Every pervert’s dream is to become a lesbian. I am living the dream, miss. So, where do you live, exactly?

I think she needs gender sensitivity training.

A Hanging Offense

One day in an awards show I will reveal my connections to Judge Roy Bean, but in the meantime, let’s take a minute to hear from Gerard. Hatemailing from California, he seemed to have a problem with Carrie and her man friend. Meet contestant number three.

Nobody got them corded phones no more. Bet it is something as simple as she burned the food. Back in them days you could do that if you [expletive] didnt do her wifely dutys. whered you steal this story. Bet the book is good.”

Yes, I wanted a shower after this one. Pen me a response for Gerard, as I am certain his prison does not have GoDaddy service.

Liar! Liar! Hee-haw!

We all know, with truth as a search term around here, there are only around 15 posts on the subject, so it stands perfectly to reason someone would hatemail about the single most-hated post on M3. I quit counting the number of comments I have deleted on this particular post about 30 comments ago. I blamed the renewed response to it on last week’s Friday Follies and yesterday’s post, Quarters & Change.

Enter our fourth contestant, Kaffre. Hatemailing from Turkey, he seems to have a problem with the truth and my lineage, compliments of Google Translate.

You know no truth when you have secrets. Must profess all secrets not eat the soul. Only donkey not tell truth of secret.”

This makes the 18th language to call me a jackass.

Not Our Fault!

Our fifth contestant tonight hatemails from the United Kingdom. With an apparent umbrage to Almost There, Wendell stopped in the SIB with this gem:

What a crock! Nobody intentionally fails. Failure is caused by all the incompetent firends and family who want to help but have no idea what they are doing. It comes from taking the advise of people we trust to give us good advise. When that advise turns out to be dreck, it is not our fault we fail. What so you think is gained by telling people to chose to succeed? Failure is not our fault so how can we chose not to fail.”

Oh, Wendell, buckle up. Let’s get interactive.

With your apparent proficiency in transference, I believe you are truly convinced you do no wrong. It begs the question, was it your parents who sabotaged you when they had sex or is it merely everyone subsequent to your birth who have repressed you?

~~~~~~~~~~

You absolutely must tell me more. I was unaware Kool-Aid was sold in your country. Do you belong to a group or are you an independent? Do you celebrate your failures as rites of passage. I am always intrigued by new movements.

~~~~~~~~~~

I am just curious, which member of the Royal family are you, exactly? There are many named Wendell, however, I am unable to trace you to the Royal “we”. I was under the impression Buckingham had a department to ensure failure was not suffered by the Royal family.  Do enlighten me because, as an American, I am quite handicapped in the complete system the Royal family uses to gauge both success and failure.

~~~~~~~~~~

What shall we send Wendell?

Illiterate?

It what I consider a nauseating turn of events, I have been diagnosed by a hatemailer. You see, my problem was apparent to  a woman from New Mexico. Clarice hatemails to say:

If you were reading something brilliant like the Twilight series or the Harry Potter books maybe someone would be able to understand what the [expletive] you are trying to say.”

I guess she told me. Aren’t you glad you have someone looking out for your literary experience? Got something to say to Clarice?

~~~~~~~~~~

I hope your week has been free of hatemail, illiteracy, secrets, Royals and sex offenders. Thank you for joining me for the 41st edition of the M3 Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere! I hope your weekend is off to a terrific start.

What shall we tell Gerard, Clarice and Kaffre? Which response shall we send to Wendell? This is your opportunity to talk back!


(c) Red Dwyer 2012
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31 Comments

  1. I don’t think anyone can argue with the logic of Clarice. I mean…..Vampires, werewolves, wizards, magic………These are all clear indications of literacy.
    Clarice better be careful. Hannibal Lecter may not agree with her logic. I’d hate to see him steal her face and wear it as a mask
    Lorre Lyons recently posted..Infected by a socially inept person: It’s not contagious, but it burns like hell.My Profile

    Reply
  2. Castrated? hmmm now that would be a feat.
    Bearman recently posted..Overwhelmed UnderwhelmedMy Profile

    Reply
  3. And I though I had problems with reality…

    Send number three – The Royal family have people who fail for them, we call them the government… :)

    Love and hugs from Paracetamol city! :)

    (Ohh my head…)

    Prenin.
    prenin recently posted..Thursday – a trip to the nurse…My Profile

    Reply
  4. OK send Wendell response #3………and please sign the petition I intend to start to ban Harry Potter and Twilight. ……..OK back to work later I have to pester people to buy spirit cards, hope the kid is happy with just enough to get an ice cream party.
    Laurie recently posted..PTO ShowMy Profile

    Reply
    • I so despise the selling of things for nothing more than what they would have done in the first place. *sigh*

      Reply
      • Yeah, the one I buy is enough to get her free ice cream; the goal is 5 b/c 5-10 gets her an extra 15 minutes of recess on top of the ice cream to make her smile. The added popcorn and a movie on top of those, well I don’t know that many people geographically close to me.
        Laurie recently posted..PTO ShowMy Profile

        Reply
        • I have always gone to the principal and said I would write a check rather than do that. Most of those the school gets between 30-60% of the money. The majority of it is crud I do not want in the first place.

          Reply
          • I can’t wait until the day I can just write a check to the school to get the stuff they need.
            Laurie recently posted..PTO ShowMy Profile

  5. Hilarious! Let’s see.

    Gerard needs a little encouragement: Ah yes Gerard, the good old days, when the men were men, and the sheep were nervous…

    With Kaffre, I’d use the old internet standby: All your base are belong to us… Bwahahahaha!!!

    Clarice, dear Clarice. I’m with Lorre Lyons on this one. I mean, everyone knows that great literature only started a dozen years ago, when Cable TV was really able to help with all the reading…
    Phil recently posted..Music Passion – September BluesMy Profile

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  6. I haven’t figured out what the best things to say are but….I believe these resent assaults give one an opportunity to speak. NOW. About. NOW.
    Tess Kann recently posted..Flash in the Pan – X3 (Friday)My Profile

    Reply
    • I am utterly amazed by how many people do not live now. I wonder some days if they even live then.

      Reply
  7. On the contrary, if you were talking about Harry Potter or Twilight I wouldn’t follow along. I say # 3, with extra snark.
    Derek Mansker recently posted..Does this sound entertaining to you?My Profile

    Reply
    • The Internet rubberneckers are never prepared to come to a place where the entertainment is not clearly labelled for their grade.

      Reply
  8. I still have a corded phone so I guess I must be a figment of your imagination. Couldn’t you imagine me richer and younger?
    Binky recently posted..James Bond Double-O FrazMy Profile

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  9. Dear Gerard
    I have a corded phone, and I would be very much honoured if you allowed me the privilege
    to stick it
    up your
    arse.
    Noeleen recently posted..IN CASE OF ABUSE, BREAK GLASSMy Profile

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  10. Wendell gets a combination of 1 + 2 with extra snark thrown in. Don’t talk about the royals, we saw Harry’s butt and Kate’s boobs recently, they are moving up in the world!!!

    As for Clarice, come on talk to her about that really great piece of literature, Fifty Shades of Gag Me. This should spin her out to the Milky Way and help move her reading.

    I was unaware castration led to….oh never mind.

    I adore your hate mailers. I think we should round them all up and force them to dance together in sync.

    Val

    Reply
    • As though Royals (or anyone else for that matter) were born with clothes. Frankly, I have no idea why T&A make the tabloids. Is everyone jealous? In most cases, we all have them.

      I would toss her into deep space; alas, the magnifier she would need would be expensive. Perhaps, audio book?

      *giggles* Line dancing.

      Reply

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