Jailbird Follies

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As luck would have it, the hatemailers did not take off this week merely because Red was red-shirted. Set that drink off to the side because it is time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere for the 42nd edition of the M3 Friday Follies!

Speculation

While I am not going to admit where I was during my DL conscription, there were plenty who were sure they knew what the reason for my absence truly was. The top choices were not fodder for a new poll, but included the following:

  • Stalker finally found out where you live.
  • Your USB port got tired of sending out [expletive].
  • In jail after advising people to commit suicide.

Perhaps, I should have advised my stalker to commit suicide and used only wifi to send out the signals. Oh, wait. I do not use USB or cable, so that one is already in the bag.

CPS, can you hold?

Apparently, more people give birth to clothed children than I would ever have imagined. Knowing Clyde is never at the top of the SEP, these hatemailers cannot possibly be subscribed to the I can only read the title group. Instead, they are absolutely in the I have no idea what you are saying group.

Why did I ever believe a blog on an American network would primarily be composed of English-speaking readers?

Despite the visual of my child in full dress, someone in New Jersey is determined to call child protective services on behalf of my… No, I am not going to translate this one. Meet your first contestant, hatemailing from New Jersey: Tosha.

Why you have those babies out in a park in nothing but a tee shirt and no shoes is crazy. How you plan on keeping those babies when cps comes to your house? You cant be taking children outside with nothing on. They has to wear clothes. You need to go to jail for neglecting those babies.”

Since I know how confusing possessive words can be (primarily mine and my), I have decided to make it just a tad clearer than Clyde did.

Oh, honey, you have nothing to worry about. That chick from CPS was here, and I told her you just had me confused. I showed her the proof my child was wearing clothes. You know, she is certain that picture really is of the little girl who lives in my house. How sweet is it the little one had just put on a costume right before the chick got here? Glad she got it out of her closet and not mine.

Thanks for the heads up. Now, they can all go back to being naked.”

Honestly.

Best part? Little Miss V heard me discussing this piece of hatemail with another blogger. She got one of the maps of the United States from the school room, found New Jersey and innocently asked:

What language does New Jersey speaks, Momma?”

Perhaps, I should have sent that as the response to Tosha.

More Nudity

When I designed the Flash in the Pan challenge, I chose its name very carefully. I weighed the subliminal message of finding gold flakes in the miner’s pan as the perfect mental image for bits of stories whose worth was not compromised by their size.

What was I thinking?

In all the many weeks of the M3 Friday Follies, not often have I been brought to speechlessness. Oh, let’s be honest. In my life I have not often been brought to speechlessness. Welcome your second contestant, hatemailing from Vermont: Earnest.

Why would anybody want to read stories about flashers?”

Could someone please name the group which does not even read the titles before commenting something as intelligent as this? Anyone want to lay odds Earnest’s vehicle does not have turn signals or hazard lights?

Literately Challenged

In yet another example of my apparent inability to command my native tongue, tonight’s third contestant hatemails from Wyoming to point out my inadequacies. Like Earnest, Richard had a problem with this week’s tribute to the NFL. Fortunately for all of us, it was shorter than the flash, if only by a few words.

What the [expletive] kind of sports report is this? What team? What player? Wheres the [expletive] video? What kind of site are you running here.”

No shot I was going to let this one pass. (Pun fully intended.)

Oh, Dick. The NFL was so [expletive] I was telling people about the injury without getting express written permission from them and CBS they served me with papers saying I had to take out everything. Dude, don’t you have Internet access? Watch for it on NFL.com.”

I am waiting for the War of the Worlds references to begin.

No Sheep In Danger

Vile and disgusting

M3 Readers who have been here longer than a hiccup know I have a huge compassion for animals and the environment. Apparently, Internet rubberneckers are concerned Mantra is a… You really need to read this in someone else’s words. Namely, your next contestant who hatemails from Montana: Felicia.

Why are you picking on sheep? They are great animals! They are sweet and give fur and eat weeds and they don’t ever hurt anything. How would you like it if someone punched you. I hope if there is sheep near you someone calls animal control on you!”

As luck would have it, I have an in with animal control. Just for giggles, I responded to Felicia.

Without being insulting to your maternal line, I feel compelled to tell you sheep can be some of the nastiest creatures on Earth. While they are good for endangering vegetation within their reach, they are just a prone to rolling in the resultant feces. Their wool (the proper name for “fur”) must be cleaned in an arduous attempt to make it usable for clothing and textile products. Incidentally, the closest I come to engaging sheep is lamb chops and souvlaka. Wool is itchy.”

Montana is the state where sheep are scared, eh?

If Only Silence Were Golden…

Never has a post about marriage or relationships gone live on The M3 Blog without someone going to the airport to catch the boat. Your fifth contestant is looking to have her parking validated.

Hatemailing from Oklahoma (state with the highest divorce rate at 36%), meet Willa. She is apparently not part of the majority.

If you talk to your husband about everything he is going to leave you because you never shut up. You can’t be going and telling him everything about what you do all day long. God knows I never wanted to know what my husband was doing every minute of every day. That is boring. You have to be leaving mystery in your marriage or you are going to talk his ear off. My marriage counciler for my second divorce was telling us we needed to keep some mystery so we didn’t get bored with each other. Too bad she didn’t tell us that about a year earlier when we got married.”

You guessed it. Let’s get interactive!

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Given the longevity of your marriages, I am certain you know more about this. Unfortunately, I never had a divorce marriage counselor. I take that ’til death do us part vow pretty seriously and bury my husbands. Do you think it helps my husbands to know they are going to die anyway? Boredom seems like a pretty good way to go in my book.

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Oh, wow! I did not know they had a council on marriage in Oklahoma. Is it new? I know they were concerned the whole divorce scandal would tarnish their reputation as the state where everyone rushes in before it is prudent. Sooner to marry, sooner to divorce. Sounds like a cool new state motto!

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Where exactly do you draw the lines on what you are going to tell and what you are going to keep secret? I mean, do you think it is important to tell your husband he is the latest in a cast of thousands or was it sufficient for you to tell him you were not a virgin?

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The choice is yours!

Right turn, Clyde.

Better Never than Late

The latecomer to this edition of the Follies is only three months late. Meet the tardy last contestant, hatemailing from Queensland: Lorraine. What was her beef? Clyde hit a nerve. Imagine that!

In response to the Saturday Evening Post from 30 June, Lorraine has this to say:

Where are your manners? Were you raised by dingoes? How can you find anything but tragedy and heartbreak in that tragic and heartbreaking picture. If I went through that I would be in hospital for the rest of my life. You need to have your mind examined. Sociopaths really should be put away.”

Since I am a rude, heartless sociopath raised by dingoes, anyone want to field one from the rubber room?

Spam Bot

Warning: This is only a clone.

Spambot Honorable Mention

We have not had a spam report in a while and the case of giggles I got over this one was monumentally memorable. As always, less for what it said than for where it attached. Seems Mantra needs an attorney:

Don’t spend one more night in jail. Call the offices of [redacted] collect and let us find a bail bondsman for you now! (555) 555-5555″

I feel safer already know there are defense attorneys standing by waiting on my collect call to get Mantra out of jail.

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I hope your week has been free of hatemail, sociopaths, animal control, attorneys and sheep. Thank you for joining me for the 42nd edition of the M3 Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere. Have a terrific weekend!

So, what shall we send to Earnest, Willa and Lorraine? Is anyone ability to give me a rational explanation for being this vehement when pointed in the opposite direction?

If you are sharing this post with a tweet or +1, please use the hashtags #FridayFollies and #humor. Any other tag is gravy!

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47 Comments

  1. I can see where I’m going to be spending LOTS of my free time in the future! Red is my new role model. And I look forward to digging into ..meeting more of you who frequent this site.

    Reply
    • Welcome to your first Friday Follies! We are a jovial bunch who love to laugh. This is a weekly feature. You can see past episodes in the tab under the header. Glad you made it!

      Reply
  2. Red as always I smile my way through reading your posts as your humour is as always on the Ball… Loved reading all… …
    I hope you too are having a Terrific weekend..
    Bug Hugs to you Sue xoxox 🙂
    Sue Dreamwalker recently posted..Autumn Gifts ~The Pantry is Always Full.My Profile

    Reply
  3. Barb

     /  September 29, 2012

    This is one of my favorite features. We should give you some sort of compensation for attracting the weirdies, so we can escape the blogosphere relatively unscathed. Thanks for the grins.

    Reply
  4. I suppose it’s good I don’t go out much, because It’d be rather embarrassing to be arrested for being unclothed.
    Binky recently posted..When Less Is More, More Or LessMy Profile

    Reply
  5. OMG. Just OMG!!!
    So Willa came out from one of those there black gold fields just to tell you whazzup!?!?!? I truly like your line “I bury my husbands”… can’t wait to see what THAT will bring to the inbox!!
    Because of your in-your-face honesty, Red, I go with #1.
    all good lovin’

    🙂
    BuddhaKat recently posted..Friday, my Friday, today, is a sad Friday…My Profile

    Reply
  6. Bear

     /  October 1, 2012

    Bury husbands… should I be rethinking? Naked kids! Where? Sheep GOOD GOD woman! What’s going on in the house when I’m not home? Bear
    PS a stalker? News to me. Maybe we SHOULD talk more…… when I’m not sleeping that is.

    Reply
  7. Red, in my opinion, you’ve been a little too hard on Earnest (and I think his name only lends weight to my argument): Surely, he is more educated than you on the many definitions of the word “pan,” and, idioms aside, instinctively knew that the obvious meaning as used in your post was, “an international distress signal used by shore stations to inform a ship, aircraft, etc., of something vital to its safety or that of one of its passengers.
    Accordingly, he is correct in asking why we would want to read about someone dancing around naked (distress/undress, fairly interchangeable, and that leads to flasher) in front of a signal (probably a strobe light), interfering with its ability to warn ships and aircraft of danger. That’s probably something I’d not want to read about, either. Too much carnage. Or carnal baggage, because those sound enough a little to be interchangeable, as well. Please give your hatemailers a little more credit next time. Earnestly.

    Reply
  8. Also, not to be a comment-stalker, but in voting for the choices for Willa, I had the same thought as you, re: #3. How do you know which details are for sharing and which are for boring? This seems to be a fundamental challenge in her long history of marriages, so I would recommend a list, similar to a chores list that you might put up for your kids (portable for easy movement from one marriage to the next). MYSTERY-MAKING vs CRAZY-MAKING. That way, all are in agreement about expectations and acceptable topics of conversation, and no one is prone to sudden death-by-boredom (although being devoured by big, mysterious secrets might be a threat at some point). I was actually accused once by a man at the gym of driving him “crazy” by talking to my girlfriend as we walked on treadmills together. He said he came to the gym to get away from his wife, who was attempting to do the same to him at home. I said the word “vagina” loudly three times and then started walking backwards on the treadmill. That ended the conversation quickly and I never saw him at the gym again. And, as a matter of coincidence, perhaps, he was very short.
    Laura recently posted..The Paper Art of Cheong-ah HwangMy Profile

    Reply
    • Oh, that is a fabulous idea! Perhaps, we could send a copy to your gym man 😉 *still giggling*

      Reply
  9. I love your Friday Follies (when I get to them), but this one takes the cake. I’m laughing so hard, I need to cross my knees; I can hardly see my keyboard and my fingers are too twitchy to type this.

    This must be the most hilarious Friday Follies yet.
    Tess Kann recently posted..Grandma is a VAMP!My Profile

    Reply
  10. Being naked is where it’s at! Silly people.
    Liquorstore Bear recently posted..Got a cel? DO IT TONIGHT!My Profile

    Reply

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