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Haughty, Psychic, Medical Follies

Hatemail logoFor the return of the Friday Follies, in its 50th edition, we are embarking on a new twist: Hatemail from those who are psychic and who should well know the meanings before they read the words. Standard rules apply. Drink out of reach of the screen.

Witch Trials

Our first contestant comes from the psychic capital of the United States, California. JP was not interested in giving a full name. I will withhold my psychic ideas of what “JP” may stand for while we look at the observation put forth:

Whatever you say will be taken in the incorrect way. How about you, have you at any time thought about discovering your psychic aspect? Similarly, the symbols are also connected to Alchemy, Kabbalah, and to some Magic formula Societies.”

After years of being accused of being a witch, a fortuneteller, a demon, an old soul, a reincarnate and other worldly entities, I took this all with a grain of salt (read salt lick). Why is any of this strange? The comment came to the Green Room.

Perhaps it was the silent alarm to which the hatemailer refers; alas, I am left with my cracked crystal ball to formulate the following response.

 JP, the furniture tapestry is dyed with the strictest recipe of woad, weld and dyer’s broom. The drapes are dyed with greenweed, woad, indigo and fustic. How dare you suggest otherwise? My cauldron is of the finest iron to produce such brilliant shades. It is the only way. Anyone worth their salt knows that. Feel free to come back when you are better informed.

How is it “all natural” is considered “alternative” today? Sheesh.

Natural Medicine

Far be it from me to suggest pharmacopeia when natural remedies suffice. This one set my teeth on edge. From France, Chelsea has the cure for hiccups. Ironically, I have posted the cure for hiccups on a number of forums and in Taming the Terrible Twos. Here is what she had to say (links excluded):

In rare WA may be prudent at real estate agency guy used hiccups involve the eyes and without worrying that you suggest – to them premium of the largest iron core room completely lost you.”

1. I did not realize hiccups were rare in Washington real estate agencies nor that agents used them to their advantage.

2. I had never heard of nor was able to locate an instance of hiccups involving the eyes (unless you include how much this made my eye twitch).

3. She is right. The iron core room lost me.

Chelsea, it may come as a surprise to you to learn hiccups are a worldwide phenomenon resulting from a gas bubble in the stomach putting pressure on the diaphragm. They are easily and effectively cured without fail by belching. The expulsion of the gas in the stomach ceases the spasmodic reflex of the irritated diaphragm without the need of any heavy metal, especially those known to be toxic at high dosages.

Is this someone who got their medical degree from WebMD or one of the other medical-symptom possible-diagnosis sites?

Haughty Poetry

It is not often The M3 Blog is spammed in verse. Solomon went all out with this eye catcher of a poem. For reasons outlined in The Office, the corporate names have been blocked out.

that are protrusive to go out
and improve you execute the priggish message
it is utterly powdery!
bigger seeds so much as XXXXXX.com,
that discount you
to acquisition teensy dangling
earrings and necklaces.
When commerce jewellery,
you intent depend precious.
One of the Sami grace.
Add a inert gas-monochromatic bump
to your XXXXhandbagXXXXaccessoryXXXXhandbag store
cleaning your imbiber,
mix up your computing device.
You can now see,
in that respect is a cracking
melodic line to ask for a fun,
unconventional flavour.
gift designed proposal as you can.
ahead going shopping at any granted day.
Losing streaks can be a bring about
we bequeath our period

Holy freestyle, Batman. My brain is hanging out. Insult me in the first stanza and then beg me for business in the next four and then ask me to bequeath something no woman ever wanted. Time for some audience interaction.

onePerhaps the only word you used appropriately was priggish. Your lack of research led you to suggest diminutive earrings which are so incongruent with my style as to be laughable. As to cleaning my imbiber, I am in possession of a state of the art dishwasher and a houseservant for when I am not of the mind to do such a task.

TWOIn a perfect world, all women of childbearing age would bequeath to you their periods in the hope you would have an eternal one to extend for the remainder of your time on this realm as a just reward for your impertinent wish. May the cramps be like none you have ever imagined and worse than we have ever experienced.

THREEOh heavens to Murgatroid! Send me an entire bag full of powdery goodness! I need such gas-monochromatic bumps in my bag to show off my period! My computing device completely forgot to tell me to clean my imbiber, which is I am certain why all my martinis taste of sweet apple rather than a whisper of vermouth and olives. Fill my order with the appropriate software to clean my wayward machine! Will it fit in my stylish bag as well?

And There You Have It!

The 50th edition of the Friday Follies. Brought to you from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere.

I hope you week was free of poetry, pharmacopeia and witch trials. Until the next batch of idiots crawls into the SIB,

Red Signature


Which contestant wins for most outrageous email? Which response should we send to Solomon? Have a better one I did not think to pen? Let us hear it!

PS Go look at yesterday’s Phishing post, please.

Hashtags: #FridayFollies #humor

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11 Comments

  1. Here’s me thinking I was doing well on medication! 🙂

    Seems these three are a couple of brain cells short of a pair! 🙂

    Three gets my vote – I wouldn’t wish number two on my worst enema!!! 😉

    Love and hugs my friend!!! 🙂

    Prenin.
    Prenin recently posted..Thursday – Shopping day!My Profile

    Reply
  2. These all give me a headache. You have a lot more patience than I do, still, I do get a stupid giggle now and again as I read these.
    Tess recently posted..Beijing Day 5, Part 1: The Pearl Store and Summer PalaceMy Profile

    Reply
  3. Golly….

    #1 almost seems like a random spam generator at work, but, hangs together enough to tell me it IS a person, but, one with serious cognitive fracturing going on.. Too flaky to make sense, thus exposing their essential ignorance….

    #2 also sounds very much like much of what the WP spam filter puts in my spam folder…

    #3 is an idiot, plain and simple, and wins my vote as most outrageous…. It’s not just free verse, it actually should have a negative price; they’d have to pay me to listen to it…. If it rhymed at all, it might improve it, though, I don’t see how… The presence of the links also makes me suspect a generated email, with malware at the other end of the links….

    All of them are more interesting than what I get in MY email… Though I feel good about not getting a lot of weird stuff, I still do get a lot of begging emails, from dot org folks to whom I’ve sent an email on occasion…You know, White House, MoveOn, Al Franken, etc…. Send one email to one of them, and they all hit you up for donations…. I’ve never sent a dime to anyone, but I get four or five emails a day from people who think I might, because I signed some petition…. It’s sad, but, keeps me in tune with my delete button, so I don’t mind them…. Yours seem to be much more entertaining….

    Who is Solomon? If I knew, I might be able to answer that question…

    See ya….
    gigoid recently posted..Provenance won’t impress the hungry….My Profile

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  4. Grant Helms

     /  July 12, 2014

    I need to stop laughing. Solomon is definitely my top choice. It just makes me glad that I live in the third circle. Now we know whee first, second and home are, lol. Thanks for the laughs.

    Reply
  5. After reading the claptrap of Solomon it has to be a number two, oh I mean it has to be selection number two 😉

    You certainly get some idiots in Friday Folly’s but I have always enjoyed these, indeed they are a laugh a minute my great friend 🙂 lol

    Andro

    Reply
  6. I am glad you understand what your email people are saying to you because I couldn’t figure it out haha

    Reply
    • Some days, I cannot… even with Google translate. It says… already in English. I say hooey!

      Reply
  7. Do I really have to pick? Can’t we simply stake them all out on fire ant hills and watch them slowly be eaten? I believe that should be the punishment for bothering any of us.

    There is not a single thing to say to this trash, yet you find the words. I simply sputter and swear, losing my lady card each time.

    No, not picking this time, they are all losers.
    Valentine Logar recently posted..Your Azz is ShowingMy Profile

    Reply
  8. Brom Watson

     /  July 17, 2014

    Really, There are many follies like for hiccups and Insomnia. We should understand the all problems. They are not diseases and natural problem. They will happen from carelessness and not eating food in proper way. Shared article is nice. It will helpful to other for understanding the problem of hiccups.

    Reply

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