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Fuck the Dumb Shit

You are welcome to not come see this post, unless you are prepared for some drama-stopping reality. No, expletives will not be deleted. Let’s get up close and personal. Fix a big cuppa with a shot of whatever is strongest.

Thus far, in the more than two years The M3 Blog has been open, I have only cracked the window into my life enough to let out some of the demons which are cause for rants against inanity, stupidity and a calculated repugnance for sanity. Today is one of those days.

Judgment

Red DwyerI garner a lot of it. Why? I am not a conformist. Under no circumstances do the rules by which others live get accepted into my lifestyle without scrutiny, questioning of motives and a clear path to the beneficial logic on which they are founded.

Often, when others look down their upturned noses at me, they are frustrated by the inability to explain themselves in a form of language I understand. As the majority of my reading audience, all of my social circles and the vast majority of strangers who even know of me can attest, I am extremely intelligent. As a founding member of the Grammar Nazi society, I understand even the most broken forms of English and French.

Pissed Off

In fact, when I am angry enough, I stop speaking English altogether. The average onlooker is confused by such tirades. They make perfect sense to me.

If you cannot understand me in your native tongue, I will speak the one which brings me the most comfort.

What has my dander up these days? Fucking stupid people. Quelle surprise, eh?

Background

My love life has been quite a roller coaster since my husband died. I dated someone for a while. I had sex with someone for a while. Neither of those relationships panned out. One was a compatibility issue. One was a marriage issue. See, the one which wanted to marry me was married to someone else.

Borne of that relationship were some of my favorite nicknames:

Slut

Whore

Home Wrecker

Guess what? I am none of those. The men who actually make it to my bed for more than a nap know I am anything except easy. I take “high maintenance” to an all new high. Bearing in mind how difficult it is to bed me and the scant few who have managed it, I am not a slut.

At no time have I ever got recompense for sex. I have never been a prostitute. I have never been kept. Hell, I have never slept with a man who made more than I did; ergo, I am not a whore.

Now, to my favorite: Home Wrecker. Over the course of time, I have said it sixteen ways to Sunday:

If your marriage was happy, your spouse would stay home.

I have had cheating spouses. Would I have liked for them to be fidelitous? Depends on what our relationship was founded (See non-conformist.); however, if my spouse had stayed home when he was unhappy, I would never have known we were living a lie.

Pragmatism.

1. a pragmatic attitude or policy.

2. an approach that assesses the truth of meaning of theories or beliefs in terms of the success of their practical application.

I am pragmatic about such things. My spouse’s seeking happiness is what I want my spouse to do. In fact, if he is not happy in a relationship with me, I want him to find it with someone else.

Is it easy? No. At some point, I wanted him to find happiness with me. At the point where he begins a relationship with someone else, I have just gotten notice of putting emotional capital in a failed venture.

Is it necessary? Yes. I am not one to throw good money after bad. (If you have not read Marriage is a Credit Card, click the emotional capital link to understand the concept. It opens in a new tab, like every other link in a post.)

Closets and Skeletons

Let’s peek in my closet. Hmm. Neat rows of stilettos. Clothes hung by function and sorted by color. Wait a minute. What is that? Men’s clothes. They are not my husband’s clothing. They belong to another man. He is someone else’s husband.

No, I am not having an affair. No, I did not spin some intricate web of deception to snare him away from his wife. No, I neither designed nor implemented any plan to portray myself as anything other than precisely what I am. No, I did not go on a campaign to denigrate his wife or situation to make life with me seem other than, especially better than, what it was.

So, how is it another woman’s husband came to live with me? Truly boring tale, that. I asked a question. (What?! You?!) I did not discriminate, though. I asked you the same question.

Something funny happened. As he cogitated, he came to a conclusion. He was living a lie. Couple that with what the rumor mongers call a “near death experience” (The soothsayers call it “realizing one’s mortality through aging”.) and what you get is a grown man walking ten miles to appear on my doorstep. Why is this funny? I was asleep when he arrived.

Confused? His wife called me all in a panic. I agreed to get in my truck in the middle of the night to ride around, to I am still not really sure where, to look for him on the road. When I came up empty (of course) and was nearly out of fuel, I went home for the night and crawled into bed. It is what sane people do in the middle of the night, so I am told. He appeared on my doorstep wanting a place to shower and sleep.

What do you think I did? The absolutely unthinkable. I told him he had to call his wife. What do you think happened next? I called her and put him on the telephone with her.

He went home that very morning. Over the course of the next few weeks, he applied his objective lens to what he had been living for the last nearly twenty-three years and discovered he had not ever been honest. He had done what was expected of him and never voiced what was in his heart of hearts. He had stomached anger, disappointment, resentment and emotional abuse and its attendant depression, while putting on the happy face which the people in his life expected of someone who surely had to be happily married to stick it out for the sixteen years he had been married.

One day, the dam broke. The web of flimsy twigs and mud which had held back his ambition, desire for happiness and his true identity shattered under his microscopic inspection of their inadequacy. Rather than be childish and merely disappear, he left under plausible reasoning.

On Tuesday, I needed someone to sit with my children because I needed to take another mother and her autistic child to Columbia for medical intervention. The person I counted on to sit pulled up lame on a Monday night. Later that same night, he wrote a note to his wife saying he was going to babysit my children and stay for a few days while he sorted things out. It was what he had wanted when he had made the ten-mile pilgrimage to my house weeks before.

Aftermath

What has followed that day nearly three months ago has been the most heinous assault on my character. You may recall the buddings of it. Those few of you close to the situation know how much I cannot stand bigotry, judgmental actions and the inane belief all sides of a story involving two people can be articulated by one side, especially the side which screams the loudest. What none of you know is how this is affecting me.

Over the course of my childhood, I was raised in the confines of a church which espoused and lived a non-judgmental attitude and professed the easiest way to avoid sin was not to put oneself in a position where sin was the only way to be happy. In short, it did not condemn members for mistakes. It especially did not condemn those who were young, dumb and full of cum for getting into unevenly-yoked marriages. Instead, it believed if a marriage was ill-fated, the marriage was not one of God regardless of how much any one person injected guilt into it.

The prohibition to religion on The M3 Blog comes as a direct result of the attitude with which I was raised. If one admits a mistake or a sin or a mistake which is a sin with a penitent heart, all is forgiven. Regardless of my personal religious beliefs, I hold this as an axiom to my spirituality with the human race. I personally am in no position to judge; ergo, I will not sit in moralistic judgment of anyone. I will quote the law where applicable. I will stand by my personal beliefs.

Under no circumstances will I threaten anyone’s soul with eternal damnation. Neither will I assume a position where my actions are elevated in my own mind and mouth above anyone else’s as a matter of belief, stupidity notwithstanding.

This means I disavow what religions most profess on this Earth. For me, the Earth is busy enough with its responsibilities and demands to preserve it in a state inheritable for our children to overshadow what concern I may have for the disposition of another’s eternal being’s soul at the time of death. IOW, if making this planet as good or better than I found it for my children and grandchildren is more than I need do to survive as a soul, when I die, I will be happy to stay in the realm of unclaimed souls.

Why is all this religion talk here? The people who condemned me the most were those with whom I chose to go to church for the last few years. The people whom I missed in South Carolina whilst I was in Louisiana are the same people. They called me “ungodly” and “unhealthy” and asked Grant if he realized how it looked (to their pious selves and the public to which they had broadcast their judgment of the situation) for him to live at my home.

Did I mention all of these things were said prior to any sexual contact between him and me? I guessed everyone would assume no one  could be in my house and resist my sexual prowess. After all, everyone ever in my presence has been accused of having sex with me, regardless of gender, level of friendship or even global proximity.

Beyond the religious people, who should be excused for their seemingly ardent prosthelytizing, there are also those who are listening to only one side of the story, namely the one not coming from me. You may as well ask: What did you do?

A. I opened my home to my best friend in South Carolina. The one person who through thick and thin gave a damn about how the events, which include the death of my husband and child, were affecting me. The one person in my locale who when the world was busy “praying for” me was actually DOING something to make my world livable. (See pragmatism.)

B. I did not stand on my porch and say, “I realize you have left home, but it would make others apply their unclean thoughts to us and profess what they would do as our reality to anyone who will listen and judge us.” Instead, I opened the door and made the hide-a-bed out for him without judging him or assuming anything beyond the stated fact he needed some space to decide what he needed to do next.

C. I refused to engage in mordancy. Regardless of whom I may have seen was at fault in his situation, during his rendition of his perspective I did not judge anyone for their actions. Instead, I asked him his opinion of the situation and what his quantitative action to it would be.

In the end, I stayed above the drama. I had no interest in steering his opinion in one direction or the other. I call it being a friend. When he asked my opinion, opposite what our relationship often embodied, I told him it was irrelevant. Until he said unequivocally he wanted it, I withheld it. When I gave it, he did not accept it as law, at my request. Instead, he asked questions until he could understand my perspective. This is socially called “adult conversation”. In American religious circles it is called “brainwashing” because it endorses cognitive thought. In bigoted southern American circles it is called “making a man lose everything he has”.

Let’s be frank, which occasionally is a name to which I answer.

I did nothing to persuade any man or woman to leave their spouse. All I have ever done is ask people how they live in their situations. In select cases, including the situations with the men with whom my relationships did not pan out, those questions led to reflection which revealed what I saw (even in the cases where I did not reveal my observations) was indeed the reality in which they had been living.

For all the people who call me a dream weaver, more often I am a reality bringer. I pull the curtain back on the wizard and reveal the smoke and mirrors for what they are. To some, this is bullying. I threaten what they hold dear. To some, this is disillusionment. I show the truth as diametrically opposed to what they have been (convinced, brainwashed, coerced) to believe is the truth. To a few, this is enlightening. After (hours, days, years), they are seeing the world as everyone else sees it.

Hypothetical

A man comes to you with ardent proclamations of how his wife has treated him as a stranger in his home, denied him the erotic exhortations of marriage and failed to provide an equitable partnership. When asked what your determinations are, do you unequivocally uphold his perspective or do you project reality onto a screen he recognizes? Do you temper your view with your own tenets for relationships which may not apply to his? Do you merely take your friend in your arms and commiserate the hurt through which they traverse without imposing your position on them knowing the heartache it will cause if your opinion is different than the one to which their heart has led them?

Or are you like me and forgive where no one else is willing, allow for self-discovery and allow for decisions free of tempering to occur to which you subsequently do not cast judgment?

Post Script

Although being raised Christian, I see many maladaptive behaviors a majority of the Christians in my life practice. Although Christ was active in pointing out sin, he was equally supportive of admission, penitence and redemption. Those of which I have encountered, especially in recent times, are more interested in pointing out the “failures” of others to exhibit their own perceived proficiency in piety. Sadly, they confuse piety with Christ-like behavior. They have failed to recognize Christ’s repugnance with religion in favor of a relationship with his father.

Although this post concerns itself with religious aspects of the Christian faith, those tenets (with or without your direct knowledge) do not temper the underlying sociological and philosophical questions:

Is it wrong to turn out a friend because others will assume sexual characteristics to your relationship even without a factual base? Should you turn away someone who is your best friend merely on the sake of gender? Why are drama queens/kings unwilling to accept they are proportionately responsible in the break up of relationships, especially if the highest contributing factor is an inability to convey facts to their proposed “soul mate”?


Please choose to answer any of the questions above. Please do not consider any of them an invitation to espouse your particular brand of religious beliefs. The topic is about friendship and consoling the hurt of someone who has chosen to support you in hurts which they could otherwise not conceive.

PS I am very averse in the ways of Christianity. If your only comment is the view of the Christian or other religious church, please refrain. This post is not condemning of any particular religion, but wholesale condemns piety, self-righteousness, bigotry and the overarching belief one’s tenets are the only ones available and redeemable.

#Hashtags: #Christianity #judgment #friendship

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59 Comments

  1. I am quick to remind others – judge not or find yourself judged. So then, No. and No. And, you already answered that. Because they are drama kings/queens and when the world no longer revolves around them, they disintegrate

    MJ.
    MJ Logan recently posted..Basic Campfire Building is an Adventure SkillMy Profile

    Reply
  2. And forgive for not sharing on FB, I have young nieces and nephews who frequent my timeline and the wrath of my brothers/sisters and their wives/husbands would be far too comical to endure.
    MJ Logan recently posted..Basic Campfire Building is an Adventure SkillMy Profile

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  3. Relationships are far more important that what one does or doesn’t believe. It’s how we treat others that matters. Believing in Christ or a pack of gum is all good until you use it as a weapon to judge and destroy others. These supposed Christians who condemned you aren’t true Christians at all with that behavior. I’ll judge myself thank you. No one gets that job on earth, but me.
    If you are a true friend, then you surely don’t turn a friend away, especially in their time of need.

    Reply
    • Thanks for the jingle. We are coming at this from the same angle. Makes me agree with the Dalai Lama: I like your Christ. Your Christians should act more like him.
      xxx

      Reply
  4. Oh….Whoops! I guess I broke some rules. I just don’t like hypocrisy. Sorry!
    Lorre recently posted..I thought: “If this is being a Christian, then no thanks.”My Profile

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  5. Not going to answer the questions, they don’t need answering from me. Will only say this, I think you are not actually living in the third circle but rather somewhere between 8 and 9. Full of frauds and treacherous assclowns, fully prepared to point out the planks in others eyes but unable to blink because of the trees in their own they are wolf packs.

    I love you. You did the right thing, you owe nothing to any of them. Nothing, not even an explanation.
    Valentine Logar recently posted..The Problem is UsMy Profile

    Reply
    • Certainly eight and if they had the power to congregate with more than their families nine would be on the menu. I love you. Is it too early to board? xxx

      Reply
  6. Mary Helms

     /  January 15, 2014

    As the sister of the “victim of your immorality” I will continue to thank you for being there when he needed someone. As a Christian I believe in the tenets of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you”. You have given him time, space, and healing. For 23 years our family watched him live in a virtual hell. At points the house was so filthy you could not walk because she “had a hard time taking care of 2, then 3, then 4 boys”. He worked so hard trying to support them that he would fall asleep when he got home. God forbid she ever have to work. That was more than she could handle. As the boys got older the house was a little cleaner. She had them to do the work. He would come home and cook meals many days after working. I spent many years worrying about him, knowing that he was only still there because of the boys. Then last year I got the call no older sister wants to get. He is in the hospital. Mini heart attacks. Why? Worry, stress and can’t afford his medication. Where is she? Sitting around, NOT working to help put money in the house. He gets out of the hospital, she’s not looking for a job, and he still can’t afford his medicine. The boys are no longer an issue, they have all graduated. He realizes that his current way of living is going to kill him. So he leaves. Do I think he made the right decision? YES. Do I, as a Christian, think Red is good for him? YES. My mother is, in my opinion, wrong about her issues with this. The church, in my opinion, had no right to ask him “what his intentions are” concerning her bills. She has a 23 year old son and herself still living at the house and neither of them is interested in getting a job. “God helps them who help themselves”. He showed his intentions when he left. It’s time for her to take care of herself. I do not believe that God would want him to stay in a place that was killing him. Thanks for being there when he needed you. I love you.

    Reply
    • I love you, too, Mary. It hurts me to see the way faith is used as a club. Mayhap, your mother will come ’round yet. And we need to make a new date. xxx

      Reply
  7. In my humble opinion everything that you did was correct, and for those that pass judgement without knowing anything about it are extremely stupid individuals.

    Is it wrong to offer assistance when help is required, when a friend needs support and a place to feel safe and welcomed without any questions asked? No and anyone that says any different is either a numbskull or a liar.

    When someone calls out for help and it falls upon deaf ears, the same judgemental hypocrites are quick to offer their venom against the ones that turn away from such pain and yet in the same token are the ones judging help that has been freely offered by a person’s friend, someone who really cares, so how condescending and ridiculous is that?

    Those that have chosen to judge you are not truly religious and instead follow an unhealthy path that seems only to give them the right to judge others. Shame on them…

    You are a lovely young woman Red, I have always known it my sweet and dear friend.

    Andro xxxx

    Reply
    • As much as it makes me angry, it makes me sadder. To live so deluded is indeed a dark place. It calls to mind a conversation Lizzie and I had recently which shall be the topic of another post. Thank you, my dear friend. You have always been a wonderful support for me. xxx

      Reply
      • You are worth every single thought my dear and great friend, it is so good to see you around our blogosphere again and to know that you are well 🙂

        Andro xxxx

        Reply
  8. Offering your home and space to heal to your best friend is the most honorable thing you could have done. It is the most honorable thing anyone can do. It is an act of friendship, kindness, and commitment to the friendship which endured and sustained you through your grief and darkness. Why then wouldn’t you offer the same to him? The judgements are foul and offensive. I am hoping the drama drops off to a silent roar amongst those guilty of it. In whatever name they choose.

    I love youxxx
    Gail Thornton recently posted..Losing TimeMy Profile

    Reply
    • I love you, too, Gail. In due course it shall. Meanwhile, I believe I have a beacon to light. xxx

      Reply
  9. Soc & Phil Quest:

    Yes, No, Damned if I know. I’ve been condemned more times than I can count. Brothers and Sisters in Christ have tried to shove their Bible into any of my orifices that could be found along with a few new ones designated I should have.

    I like the notion of being somewhere my soul won’t be condemned, judged or shredded.

    Hell yeah!

    Reply
  10. Ultimately you can only do what you think is right and can’t worry about what others may think.
    Binky recently posted..CinnamonlyMy Profile

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