A glittery what?

glitter

Sticky Crap

It seems my snarky friend and fellow blogger, El Guapo, was compelled to pass something to me with glitter on it. Oh. Joy. Anyone with children who were ever under the age of five knows glitter is about the most insidious thing to attempt to remove from, well, anything. Just you wait until you see where he put it. Go look before you read further. Really.

A Pink Award

Now, even though he has received countless awards, and even one from M3, El Guapo is not the kind who is going to be accepting or handing out awards willy-nilly. He settled on the Glitter E. Yaynus award to accept and hand out to deserving blogs around the globe. Well, the English speaking portions of the globe.

Glitter E. Yaynus~ Compliments of El Guapo

Glitter E. Yaynus~ Compliments of El Guapo

You all know these awards come with some requirements. This demented pompom is no different. But guess what? He singled me out to take it up a notch. He awards this to me:

Because she will turn it into something deep and meaningful and hilarious and make me hurt myself laughing while she does it.”

Yeah, EG, no pressure.

The “I Gottas”

I must first name five things which would make people want to kill me, or hate me… a lot. This is a post I had to sit for hours trying to edit it down. Only five? You should know: I put it to a poll. Why should I do all the work?

1. Knowingly Brilliant

This goes far beyond Mensa IQ and sheepskins and motherhood. Even I know I am brilliant, especially in that glow-in-the-dark way which makes nighttime hide-and-seek a real buzz kill.

I am an encyclopedic fount of excruciating minutia, a veritable cornucopia of pusillanimous trivia.  No, I am not conceited… I am convinced.

And just because I am smarter than you does not mean I have to make you feel like a rube, but… I can. If you insist on your stupidity, I shall. I would then lay odds you will fall to one of the hates which follow.

meme crayons and puppets

Sinking to your level would kill too many brain cells.

2. Sharp-Tongued

Being an erudite bon vivant,  I wield vocabulary which intentionally obfuscates the overt message while simultaneously administering a lethal dose of sarcasm masked by an anesthetic effect making the recipient believe I have been either complimentary or supportive… or both.

If you are happy, chances are good you did not understand what I said.

If you are happy, chances are good you did not understand what I said.

3. Quick-Witted

I sat behind a boy named Tat-Shing in calculus my junior year in high school. He used to wake me up on exam days, so I could borrow a pencil. The professor refused to grade exams written in pen. We called him the human tranquilizer.

He accused me of cheating for finishing an exam in seven minutes. He graded it on the spot and took off his customary three points for my failing to show any of my work. End result, I scored a 97. His theory was the class would take the test in nine times more minutes than he took to take it. Since it took him five minutes to take the test, the class should have taken 45 minutes to complete the exam; ergo, for me to take it in seven minutes, I had to have cheated. My response:

The way I see it, you cheated. I did not have the questions in advance.”

The disciplinarian thought it was hysterical. He was a calculus teacher with a multiplication problem instead of an algorithm, and I was the pedantic one. Arrogance is such an ugly characteristic when you are not stellar.

4. Unapologetic About Unrequited Attraction

Just because you think I am attractive does not in any way, shape or form require me to find you palatable. This applies equally to physical beauty, character, intelligence and the sexual hormones making you salivate on my sleeve. No, I am not sorry you are a malformed, mouth-breathing, bigot who cannot walk through a door sideways. Nor am I sorry I cannot abide more than six seconds in the same hemisphere with you.

5. I can be ready in three minutes.

This will only apply to the ladies in the crowd, as most men find a woman refreshing if she can be ready in less than 30 minutes. I, on the other hand, can go from asleep to this:

Let's go!

Let’s go!

…in three minutes. Be warned though: I go from asleep to bitch in 0.0024 seconds… and the button sticks… don’t push it.

More Duties

List 5 things that I would stick up my ass if forced to. (Because that is the only way it’s going up there).” 

Oh, goody.

  1. Your brain. It would be a family reunion.
  2. Your attitude. See number one.
  3. Your outlook. See number two.
  4. Money. My children believe it is where $100 bills are pressed.
  5. A bullhorn. Because my ass talking makes more sense than your 45-minute dissertation.

“Run across a freeway blindfolded.”

Is nude close enough?

“Pick a Prom Court.”

Please accept your award, replete with enema bag scepter.

Let’s cut the CRAP! 
I would be remiss in my duties for not awarding this award to this blog.

Articles of Absurdity
Lorre scrapes crap off her shoe as a hobby. This is right up her alley.

Barking In the Dark
I am sure his mother’s Mah Jongg group will be on hand to help him receive it.

Yo-Yo-Dyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Division
Since she ignored the last one I gave her, this one is a shoe in for the royal treatment.

And now for my favorite song about asses. Enjoy!



© Red Dwyer 2012
Reblogging of this or any other post on The M3 Blog is expressly forbidden.
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31 Comments

  1. Pity I have no tolerance for (C)rap music, but I loved the post as usual!!! 🙂

    God Bless Red and more power to your keyboard!!! 🙂

    Prenin.

    Reply
    • Me, too neither about rap. This is actually a hip-hop song which predates the revolution of rap which most adults despise today. In short, the lyrics are understandable, humorous and not about killing, raping or stealing anything.
      {HUGZ}
      Red.

      Reply
  2. I’m going to have to OMG this one while ROLF and LMAO.
    There’s no way in hell I can come up with anything this good, you bitch. Thanks for the award. I guess I better start working on this one. I have yet to acknowledge 5 awards I’ve received, but I guess I’ll do that too. This one is great though.

    It’s nice to know how you write so much and so well…..you are a freakin’ genius. I can’t compete with that, so I will just move on from feeling less than.

    Reply
    • Oh, crap on a stick. You are never less than. Your snark is signature and worthy, in every respect. And iffen you don’t wanna, do like Guapo did and skip the other five in favor of this one 🙂 *Wicked, evil grin*

      Reply
      • I really need to. It gets to be too much, hence the lack of effort put out.

        Reply
      • Mostly, I think I just come off like a jackass, not reposting them. And though I am really happy to get them, I’d rather just point to a few blogs that caught my attention, without going through the rigamarole and overwhelming readers with fifteen more blogs, maybe two of which they’ll visit…

        Unless it’s something fantastically wtf, like the Glitter E Yaynus.
        Yeah, I’m a jackass…
        Sigh.

        Reply
  3. Your five things (of hate and rectally fitted) just make me want to hang out with you that much more!
    Now off to the hospital to get my busted gut repaired from laughing so hard!

    Reply
  4. hehe, I knew it was coming, the inevitable gag awards. With so many chain-letter style awards being sent around willy nilly, and most blogs I visit now showing 4 to 8 of them, I actually find this very funny. It must be such an honor to get so much hate mail and now the ultimate hate award! I’d say “you bitch” but I’m a gentleman… so, I’ll stick with “I’m so ruddy jealous!”… (still anxiously awaiting his first hate mail)

    Reply
    • When I got it, we (IRL) all had a fab laugh over it. You would be amazed some of the suggestions for this post which were laid aside in favor of these!

      Reply
      • Someone has to make a display case for the awards, and whenever someone gets theirs filled, they have to promote 500 blogs with under 20 followers

        Reply
        • LOL! Most people have never read 500 blogs! So far, I have promoted over 100 different blogs through the awards. There are only a few I follow who have not been at least mentioned in a post. And those, I do not because they are private and invitation only or are so personal they do not want any generated traffic.

          Reply
  5. Red, there is no explaining some people’s children or their sourcery. The ultimate sharp-edged tongue has been revealed, and we really should have a blogger award for the best and most hilarious. You win! “:))

    Reply
  6. This one is likened to those
    Planet Awards, you know like
    Venus, Pluto and Uranus…
    No not yours but definitely a
    tad wicked nonetheless, this
    slapstick award is amongst
    some of the finest that I have
    seen but then again, there is
    bound to be a lot more where
    this one origninated from 🙂

    The glitter is colourful though 🙂

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply
  7. BTW –

    Origninated is another
    Award just waiting ton happen…

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply
  8. You know, all that glitters is not gold, but somehow you managed to sparkle on this post, Red. I’d say thanks for sharing, but somehow that just doesn’t seem appropriate with this topic… 😀

    Reply
  9. But, don’t you think that with the requirements (the chain letter likeness), pretty soon almost everyone will have the awards, if all recipients follow the requirements? Then they (the awards) will have no legitimacy. I think it should be maxed out to promote one blog only for any awards, if any at all. I’ve seen two blogs that had about 8-10 awards each, and they look all cluttered, you can’t tell awards from ads and content!

    And, as you so cleverly show us all, people are making them up on a daily basis now. If you accept one, then not another, is that a slight on you (the proverbial you, not the you you – ) or is it a slight on the person who awarded the awards you didn’t accept?

    Ack! The social implications! I’m drowning. I’m melting! I feel like a pair of drapes! (i know, pull yourself together!)

    Reply
    • Not really. The bloggers with the most (I have seen a blog recently with more than 100 of them.) will periodically do a promotional post where they name the blogs they follow. Not everyone follows the directions.

      This award has morphed a few times from its original form. I have seen some of the older versions of the Versatile Blogger and the 7×7. Not everyone accepts (around 30% actually do) and then of the ones who do, not all follow the directions.

      On three different awards, I have chosen to group them together and instead of totalling the number of promos. I choose an arbitrary number to promote. Consider it artistic license. The more award posts you see, the more you will see, we change them all the time.

      And no, it does not water it down. It really shows how much you impact the bloggers who read your material. The harder ones to get are the ones which have no awards show, like Candle Lighter. Lots of us with more than a handful put them on a specific page because we have content, blogrolls or photos/widgets in the sidebars.

      Reply
  10. Congratulations Red, I am glad your blog is received well-deserved recognition. You had me laughing about the test incident in which you finished so quickly. The teacher couldn’t handle the idea of how smart you are! Your wit was in full swing even then… hehe

    Reply
    • I have come to realize my humor has only been sharpened over time, as I believe it was there before speech.
      Red.

      Reply

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