Please?
Before we get back to the middle legs of the identity millipede, I have to pick your brains. It has been a complete zombie weekend, on the heels of a busy weekend last week which left me a bit zombiefied. I am looking for something entirely perfect. Even though I was sure I was not.
Now, if left to our own devices Mate would be perfect in every single way. Many of us have made the mistake of picturing, personality mapping and designating Mr. and Mrs. Right. Most of us have realized this is not the way to be happy. Yet, I wonder.
Still on the Back Burner
We have all had a relationship which did not pan out for one reason or the other or a host of others. In each of the failed relationships, we learned something we absolutely did not want in our Mate. Did we? Or did we find Not-Mate to fail one of our ideals?
We also figured out there was something within us we did not want to be any longer. Or did we find out what we did not want was to settle?
Not Ideal
Newsflash
Newsflash: No one is perfect.
I realize as I type this, it is a difficult concept. It means you are not perfect either. Do not feel affronted. I am not perfect, so I think it puts you in some pretty terrific company.
Does it mean you deserve less? No. Does it mean you should give up trying to be a better you? No. Does it mean there will never be someone who feels like you are the best you for them? No, again.
Cannot Abide
We have established a working do not abide this list. Abuse. Criminal activity. The non-negotiable list. Have you seriously considered the things you cannot abide beyond them? Oh, do not even attempt to be coy. Yes, you have. If you think you have not, I can guarantee you have. Let’s explore.
Work
You want a Mate who will earn a living or stay at home whilst you earn a living. You do not want work to be the only thing Mate knows how to discuss. You do not want work to occupy all of Mate’s waking hours. You want to be more than your job. This are all on the do not abide list.
Sports Couch Potato is over for every game…never brings own beer.
Friends
Every Mate has that one friend who you absolutely would not cross the street to spit upon if Quaint was on fire. Sometimes, that Quaint is your mother-in-law, your brother-in-law, a former college roommate, a drinking buddy, a sports-couch-potato, a midnight drama caller, …does this sound familiar? This person is actually on your do not abide list.
Hobbies
Mate did something to occupy time before your relationship. Once you became a couple, the time diminished and was replaced with relationship time. What was it you and Mate stopped doing or, at least, quit scheduling as much time to do? Did you know this became part of your do not abide list?
Pieces Parts
All of these things become points of contention in a relationship because they involve choices, which, once made, bear directly on what you will or will not abide. Just one can test the mettle of the bonds between Mates. When you add them all together, the weight can be more than the relationship can bear.
Get to the point…
Always with the questions.
I want to know something, honestly. I want to know a few somethings, actually. Is your newly revised do not abide list defining your ideal of what Mate should be? All of these examples and many more define both what you want from a relationship and what you are willing to sacrifice to be in said relationship.
Let me hear from you:
- Are you holding Mate to an ideal you did not realize you had created?
- Do you live up to Mate’s new ideal?
- Do you think you have to settle with what Mate offers?
- What else is on your do not abide list?
I have never asked you a question in a vacuum. Tonight is no different. Without trying to figure out the right answer, give me what comes naturally. This is definitely not a right answer set of questions. Yes, this is leading somewhere completely different. Did I mention how much you ROCK?
Hashtags: #relationships #standards
Thank you for sharing The M3 Blog with #hashtags.
Derek Mansker
/ February 19, 2012I may not be entirely clear on what you are asking. But, I will give it my best shot. I am not perfect after all.
Things have changed over my marriage, but in a positive way. My wife stays home and I work. This was a choice we both made, I would never have forced that on her. If she wanted to work, I would be fine with it.
There are things that I can’t do now that I used to, but that has more to do with our children and less to do with our relationship. Yes, kids impact that but in a mostly positive way.
Red
/ February 19, 2012I understand the compromise. For the two of you, you came to the conclusions together. I do not see that as a current point of contention, although I suspect there may have been some along the way. Children will allows be time thieves…and I should know.
What I am looking for is from the ideal perspective. Think about the change from the day after the wedding and what her ideal position was then (Obviously, she had met most of the criteria or you would not have married…I hope.). Has she grown into the ideal or have you changed your ideal to more resemble her?
authormjlogan
/ February 19, 2012I learned a lot of things I could not abide from my first engagement right after high school. And then when I recovered from that, I learned more from some of the women I dated.
I could not abide someone who would ask, on the first date, how much money I made.
I could not abide someone whose parents judged me by the fact that I shopped for clothes at K-Mart, and in turn criticized my clothing choices.
I could not abide someone who cheated on me.
I could not abide someone who expected gifts for no reason other than they wanted them.
Most importantly, I learned that I could not settle for less than what I expected.
I hope I live up to my Mate’s ideal, although I know I’m not perfect. She says I do. I know there are things she does that bug me, but they are not that important to me. I just let them go. She is as close to my perfect mate that I could hope for.
Red
/ February 19, 2012I like that answer. I may be taking a liberty, but I see “they are not that important to me” as saying “they are less important to me than the aggregate of the things which do not bug me (or I really stinking like)”.
I like you do not abide list. It is always tough to stand in the judgment of others. Interesting…Do you mean the typical (and atypical) cases of “I want” being something Ex-Potential-Mate deemed a need or a prerequisite for (relationship, sex, love)?
And I think no one should settle. (I am so going to get slammed for that one.)
authormjlogan
/ February 22, 2012“I may be taking a liberty, but I see “they are not that important to me” as saying “they are less important to me than the aggregate of the things which do not bug me (or I really stinking like)” ”
Maybe. There’s always going to be little things no matter what. It was the main reason I insisted on a long engagement, so that I’d know, and she would know, if the little things were things we could look past and would not interfere with the good things we loved about each other.
At least neither one of us leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
“Do you mean the typical (and atypical) cases of “I want” being something Ex-Potential-Mate deemed a need or a prerequisite for (relationship, sex, love)?”
Ex-Potential-Mate was very good at getting me to spend all my money on her, then complaining I did not have enough left to take her out to a nice dinner. Sometimes I would get a chance to work a few hours overtime at my crappy job and make a few more bucks, and all she did was complain I wasn’t spending the time with her.
Another girl (definitely not a woman yet, to expect this) dragged me into a jewelry store and showed me a bracelet she wanted. It was our third date. I didn’t get a kiss goodnight and she didn’t get asked out again. I will give her credit that she actually made it to the third date with me. Out of about 15 women over a 9 year period, she was one of two that I had more than two dates with prior to meeting my wife.
Red
/ February 22, 2012EPM is a classic case. I know a boatload of EPMs (of both sexes) who do that precise thing. Money grows on trees. The universe’s axis skewers their brain as well. I happen to despise the mentality and see the EPMs as a waste of time, even at the friendship level. That brand of selfishness is far too tiresome.
And you were on a quest.
Red.
El Guapo
/ February 19, 2012My girl and I came to each other after we were adults. We already had (in my case, subconscious) “do not abide” lists.
Her friends get (at the absolute least) polite civility from me (I think treating them otherwise would be a personal do not abide thing), and I encourage her to pursue her hobbies and things she enjoys, even if I don’t.
She’s the woman I love. While she may have some behavior that I’m not head over heels with, I have no interest in changing her.
As we tell each other form time time, we each knew what the other was like before we got married.
Not sure if I’ve missed the point again, but it’s good to think about htese things from time to time…
Red
/ February 19, 2012So have you merely accepted as was or has the relationship evolved into a mutual do not abide?
El Guapo
/ February 20, 2012I’m not sure about that. I think there is enough understanding between us, both from talking to and observing each other, that the list isn’t really formalized, but each of us I think knows where the others limits are…
I know there are things I deliberately avoid doing, but those are behaviors that I know would upset her, and I have no interest in doing that.
Whenever she’s done something to piss me off a lot, a conversation is usually enough to resolve it.
I don’t like the idea of a hard line in the sand. She’s the one I picked. The line has (so far) flexibility to accomodate that.
Red
/ February 20, 2012So it is an evolution. Very healthy. *Still wonders if there are some off the pissed off list*
Ted
/ February 20, 20121. Are you holding Mate to an ideal you did not realize you had created?
In early relationships and my first marriage I am sure that is true. There is always that age old saying “my mom didn’t do it like that.” But I also learned from that marriage. I created additional do not abide list. This list included yelling screaming arguments that we were both guilty of. I believe we continue to add to the do not abide list as we grow older. In my second marriage when I found a new do not abide item I would discuss it with my mate. To some of these we both made adjustments to others we agreed to disagree and to one it was a major reason the relationship ended.
So my answer to this question is yes I did in early relationships. In later relationships when an ideal was revealed it was discussed and some form of solutions was agreed to. So in later relationships, to include this 2 month old blossoming one, no I did not.
2. Do you live up to Mate’s new ideal?
I failed miserably at this. In my first marriage it was because it was impossible to attain. Just as you got close the standard was changed. In my second marriage there was the one issue mentioned above that made both of us a failure at this.
3. Do you think you have to settle with what Mate offers?
Settle? NO Discuss the differences and if you can not come to a compromise then you have a problem. If the problem is big enough it will become a huge issue in the relationship.
4. What else is on your do not abide list?
Being anything less than number one in my mates life. I know we have kids and family that can compete for that number one position. But she is the one I have chosen and I am the one she has chosen, we should be number one in each others lives. That does not mean we don’t help kids that need help. We give them all the help that we can but at the end of the day it is her and I.
Red
/ February 20, 2012As much as I hate yes and no answers, I like your answer to the first question.
Thank you, Ted.
prenin
/ February 20, 2012One thing I learned is that no matter how much you love someone they WILL die.
After Hanne passed away I found myself unable to function in a relationship.
I guess the scars cut too deep…
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
Red
/ February 20, 2012Scar tissue is harder than healthy tissue. Yes, it does take time to form. In the end, it is like the tempering of steel. As it cools, it becomes stronger. Not being able to function is self-preservation. You knew you could not get close enough to someone else before the burn of the heart cooled.
{HUGZ}
Red.
valentinelogar
/ February 20, 2012Wait, what…I am not perfect? Who says? Have you been on the Quija Board again talking to the deadX, damnit.
1. No, I have adjusted my ideals to spare his sensitive feelings.
2. Yes, I bath daily and keep the girls north.
3. Sometimes, but then he has to live with me as well. It is a pretty fair trade.
4. MIL (don’t tell), exorcism (yes they tried it), prayers for my demise (yes they do it…..this list could go on for a very long time). Rude and ugly behavior behind my back (I can answer in kind if it is done to my face). Snarkiness, unless it is from me that is.
Love ya sista
Red
/ February 20, 2012I spilt cognac on the Ouija board. The letters are all drunk and misspelt.
ansuyo
/ February 21, 20121. –I think everyone does this to some degree in the early years. Mom/Dad didn’t do it that way… kind of things. With my mate, I’m sure I did have some things he could not live up to. No, I had a lot of things he could not live up to. I didn’t understand where he was coming from – it was like a foreign language. Over time, we began to understand one another a lot better and speak the same language.
2. –Nada. In a couple areas, he still does not understand (like my need to write…) He’s still learning my language.
3. –If I married him and it’s not abusive, yes I do. But, having had a brief and disastrous first marriage before my Mate came along helps him to look a lot better:)
4. –This list could get quite long. But I am going to make it short. This is what I want: I want a man that loves God with everything he has, loves me almost that much, stays and loves the kids. I think that takes in everything that could come up.
Red
/ February 21, 2012I really like #3.
Bear
/ February 21, 2012It is amazing what we learn from life itself. I’m far more intolerant now than say 25 years ago. I don’t put up with much nowadays but with new children in my life, I must teach this old dog not to growl. I DON’T TOLERATE liars or betrayers. Oh, and I hate head games.
Red
/ February 21, 2012It would be far better if no one lied. The truth is such a simple concept. And methinks the new children can melt the tough exterior.
lorrelee1970
/ February 22, 2012In general, I do not hold him to a standard he can’t acheive or that I placed upon him myself. BUT…..When we are in a “debate”, which is code for a fight he is not letting me win, then I think I do. In fact, I pretty much throw out statements about thinking he was different. BUT…Let’s face it, that’s strategy.
Neither one of us is settling in our relationship. We have lots of ups and downs, but when all is said and done, we are imperfectly perfect for each other.
Red
/ February 22, 2012Which is just the way to know you are not settling.
lorrelee1970
/ February 22, 2012Amen to that sister.