Dear Pain

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This is likely as close to a group message as I can type.

Dear Pain,

In your varied and nefarious forms you have been around most of my life. We were introduced early, just to scare my mother into believing children are made of rubber until they are four and remain so if you do not tell them otherwise. She’s right, you know. The bruises and goose eggs and abrasions were all the short-lived tee shirts from my adventures and misadventures.

Being stabbed in the brain hurts.

Being stabbed in the brain hurts.

When I got a little older, you moved from those occasional contusions to the ever-present throbbing in my skull. Damn you, I had plans. I took you along on many an outing, date and job. Being a grateful sort, you hung out long after my friends faded into the sunrise.

A dozen or so wrecks later, you realized it was not my driving keeping you in my life, but my inability to pick a decent driver to chauffeur me on the days you robbed my sight… or perhaps, it was just my judgment you stole.

My children vanquished you. No matter how strongly you fought to be the only memory, you faded into forgetfulness the moment those tiny creatures were swaddled in my arms.

baby sucking fingers

Look at those nails!

Then, that one day you decided to take residence in my heart. I shan’t forgive you that no matter how charming you may appear to the average onlooker. Just to spite you, my grandson came on this year’s anniversary of that day to erase your memory from 28 March 2006.

Your newest incarnation is attempting to rob me of my backbone. Silly you. Even if you cripple me you will never win. I have walked away from the standard pharmacology and physical torture therapy. I am not looking back. No, those medical minions of yours are failing miserably at convincing me you are a permanent part of my life. *grins* I have an ancient Chinese secret…

Do what you must. In the end, the box the package comes in gets thrown away. I will still be here. You cannot touch me. So, point that crooked finger. Wag it if it makes you fulfilled. At the end of the day, I have my reprieve from you.

And thank you. You made me value my capabilities long before I lost any of them.

Still going,

Red Signature


A Month of Letters

Month of Letters https://www.facebook.com/LetterMo

This year I participated in the Month of Letters. I was not entirely successful, as I found the challenge after it had already begun.

For an M3 twist, I am writing a letter a day for the month of May.

Do you live with pain or kick it to the curb? Which is the hardest, pain of the body, head or heart?

Hashtags: #amwriting #letters #pain

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9 Comments

  1. Still going strong that should read my dear friend and nothing is going to stop you either. It is so nice to see you here posting and showing that excruciating pain that you are hitting back with a vengeance.

    Keep ploughing through the pain and know that I am always thinking about you and sending my strongest vibes to help combat anything that is thrown your way.

    Beat it? Oh yes we will certainly do that. Have a relaxing evening and be good, just like me 🙂

    Andro xxxx

    Reply
  2. I second those vibes Andro.

    Reply
  3. Chronic pain is one of the hardest things to deal with. I hope you can find the strength to surmount it so that you can get on with the important things in your life.

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  4. Dearest Red,
    Thank you for writing through your pain. In spite of it. I live with chronic pain of the physical, existential, and heart kind. The heart is the hardest for me to live with. It haunts me in my dreams when I have a respite from the physical and existential pain. I don’t even know its source, unlike you. But today I had a dream. It was one of passion and love. I was in a musical and was surrounded by felt players of all ages singing and dancing, dressed as animals. I was in the center twirling around and playing my flute.
    I was ecstatic with happiness.
    I recognize your passion for life.
    All the love from me to you,
    Gail
    Gail Thornton recently posted..Poem – On Hold to ParisMy Profile

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  5. Pain is what life gives you.
    Strength is what you give back

    Reply
  6. This one is all-too-familiar, so, I’ll stick to the answers….
    Red,

    I live with pain, of all types, and kick it to the curb whenever possible, or subdue it chemically, or ignore it, whatever seems to work best… I find a combination of drugs, sleep, laughter, and perspective can deal with much of it, but, it never stops at the point where such simplicity is consistently effective; it’s impolite that way….

    The hard part of it all is that there isn’t any actual separation between the types of pain, and ourselves, except those we create in our mind…. It all hurts sometimes, or none of it does, and our own actions don’t always have control of whether or not it does…

    We all have to find our limits of what we can endure, or we suffer; when we learn enough about ourselves, it at least gives us the control over how we deal with it, whether it is of the heart, mind, or body…

    Heart is the worst, if I had to pick….

    Too big a subject for me, for one little comment, so, rather than turn this into another endless diatribe, I’ll put the rest of it back, and ignore my own ego’s desire to share…. Aren’t I nice?….

    Mostly, things are better out than in, but, there are exceptions, and this is one of them, for now…

    Ta, then, luv…. stay strong & talk hard….

    Ned, aka gigoid, the dubious
    gigoid recently posted..A pleasing sound of running water….My Profile

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  7. NO, I do not live in pain. I am lucky so far.

    The pain I know how to least handle is heartache whether due to loss of a loved one, a dismissive friend, or an arrogant family member.
    Tess recently posted..100-Word Challenge for Grownups #135My Profile

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  8. Hang in there Red.

    I’m so grateful that I don’t live in constant pain. I think pain of the head and heart are the hardest to live with and the kind that can be cleared out.

    Physical pain? I have my percocet for the occasional bouts.

    I’m too busy with chemo-brain and OPP (other peoples piggies aka chemo induced peripheral neuropathy (CIPN) to feel pain.

    Then when you think you have all the bases covered your doc (my guardian anger oncologist who is a wonderful woman and a great doctor) calls you at 10:00 PM to tell you that your CT scan showed a VDT in your leg and to get to the ER right away. “That sucks but you go.”

    So I spent a couple of days in the hospital while they tried to figure out which blood thinner to put me on. I was getting Levonox shots twice a day. The cost for that stuff is criminal. Tracy said we’d have to mortgage the house and she would do ‘tricks’ on the corner. Nah — nix that on. My oncologist said no way too expensive.

    We settled on Xarelto which will cost a bit less than a car payment each month even with my Rx plan and I’m going to be on this for the rest of my life?

    Welcome to pharmacopia Johnny Mac. Oh, and they found a touch of pneumonia that’s being cured by antibiotics.

    Sorry to be so damn long winded. I’m thankful that I have a family that cares, (Sue is my best advocate, she does tons of research and asks all the right questions when she takes me for my chemo some of the time), friend that care and a wonderful medical team. And one of the best radiologists around is a good friend of the family.

    I must have been lucky when my medical team materialized two years ago. I have a wonderful, caring, compassionate man for a pulmonary doc and my primary is a good doc I’ve been with for over 20 years.

    I’m free of pain Red and wish you free.

    John
    John McDevitt recently posted..Busy Making Music with My Harps aka HarmonicasMy Profile

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  9. Whoops! I meant to say “my guardian angel oncologist” not guardian angel. Fingers slipped.
    John McDevitt recently posted..Busy Making Music with My Harps aka HarmonicasMy Profile

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