We will not be discussing the angst-ridden teen who chooses to leave the family before the age of majority.
Who is the adult?
This question may be a matter of debate, but as the birth certificates bare, the parents are the adults in a divorce. Divorce is as an adult matter as pornography. It should not be shared with children.
The Not To Do List
No fighting.
1. Do not fight in front of the children.
Take the matter to another room, outside or to another location altogether. Reschedule to a time when the children will not be present. Children absorb the negative energy and reflect it in school work, their own interpersonal relationships and internally (depression).
2. Do not use children as a messenger service.
If you have something to say to your (soon-to-be) ex, do it via text message, internet, postal service or attorney/mediator, over the telephone or in person, outside the earshot of the children. Do not send notes in weekend or vacation visitation backpacks. Do not ask your child to text your ex. Be an adult and do it yourself. If you are afraid to do it, how cowardly is it to ask your child to do it for you?
3. Do not use your child as a confidante.
There are many conversations you should have with your child, but speaking of your divorce from the other parent is not one of them. Your child is not emotionally mature or experienced enough to process, or help you process, the mechanics of how a marriage dissolves. If you do this, you are exploiting your child’s compassion and empathy.
4. Do not denigrate your ex to or in front of your children.
Your child is 50% your ex. If you are engage in mordancy, you are telling your child they are at least 50% bad. Why at least? They are also 50% you and are seeing the ugly side of you. Do you want your child to feel like they are more than 50% a self-serving, cheating, lying, money-hungry, worthless, lazy, crass, holier-than-thou @$$(&%e?
5. Do not spill all the beans.
Do not say that.
It is not necessary for your children to know the gory details of why your marriage broke, only they are not the reason “Mom and Dad” are getting a divorce. Things not to tell your child include:
- Infidelity
- Criminal activity
- Differences of goals
- Differences of character
- Emotional or physical abuse
In the last case, as is age appropriate and under the counsel of a psychological professional, it can be beneficial to explain to your child how abuse is never acceptable in a relationship or marriage. How you approach this subject will forever change your child’s view of your ex. Proceed with caution.
No Reconnaissance
6. Do not use your child as a private investigator.
If you would like to know what is happening at your ex’s house, ask your ex…not your child. You need to be fostering a healthy relationship between your child and your ex, who is still the other parent. If you insist on grilling your child for details (for your divorce or to reinforce your opinion), your child will retreat and stop telling you of the healthy interactions for fear you will be jealous.
7. Do not blame the children.
Even if your ex is telling you the reason the marriage dissolved was not wanting children in the first place, do not under any circumstances tell your children it is their fault. In fact, it is not their fault. It is the fault of the parents for failing to address issues before they became irreconcilable differences.
8. Do not use your children for blackmail.
Your children have an allotted time to spend with your ex. Do not withhold this time to extort money, property or intangibles. If your ex is failing to uphold the court-ordered end of the stick, go back to court.
Down to the Last…
9. Do not talk money with your children.
Sometimes, divorce leaves one parent (or both) without enough money. When this is the case (and even when it is not), do not discuss family finances with your child. Teach responsible money management. When wants arise you cannot afford, simply say you cannot afford it, without attributing the lack of money to divorce or your ex.
10. Do not share the pain.
Your children are dealing with your divorce the best they can. Do not add your pain to their plates. Grieve your marriage with your friend, doctor, support group or therapist…not your children. Children make you happy, but are not the cure for your (sadness, loneliness, desperation, desolation) over your divorce.
What can you do?
Help out
Tomorrow, we will discuss positive alternatives to the ten prohibitions. Family and outsiders may engage in some of these behaviors. Stop it immediately or remove your child from access to the adult until the correct behavior is demonstrated.
As family or friends, you can help the divorcing parent by intervening when you see these behaviors. Even if all you do is take the children out of the room, you are helping everyone involved.
Disclaimer: There are exceptions to these rules, especially in light of criminal or abusive behaviors. These prohibitions are offered as general guidelines for adult behavior during a divorce and are not intended as psychological advice in lieu of professional help. Information offered in this blog series derives from the author’s personal observation of families in divorce situations.
To follow this series from the beginning, start with It Is Over.
What other behaviors should be avoided for the sake of the children?
© Red Dwyer 2011
Reblogging of this or any other post on The M3 Blog is expressly forbidden.
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Ted Atwell
/ December 28, 2011This is so true and it does not matter how old the child is. Even if the child is 21 years old you dont talk about these things with them. They will have their own opinions and thoughts about why mom and dad did not stay together. About the only place I would relax these rules with an older child would be if abuse or criminal activity was involved.
Red
/ December 28, 2011Thanks for commenting, Ted. I have seen so many parents believe the whole “friends” thing with their children and take them on the emotional roller coaster most adults cannot handle. Red.
Ted Atwell
/ December 28, 2011We stayed together for years because of the kids. When we separated and I said I was filing for divorce our daughter was 21 and our son just shy of 19. I got some of the most vile emails from my daughter and I knew where it was coming from. If you knew her mother you could hear her saying these things. I did share some of them with my dad as I looked for way to reply that were non argumentative and made sense. My daughter became my ex’s confidant. It still affects our relationship today. Our relationship is better but not what it once was and probably never will be again.
Children of all ages should be left out of the loop when it comes to divorcing parents. The only exception I might make for adult kids would be abuse and illegal activities.
Red
/ December 28, 2011I never did talk to my children about it beyond, “We are getting a divorce because we cannot find a way to get along enough to stay together.” When I told my daughter, she cried. I was crushed. I asked what I could do for her. She said (and I hear these words over and over in my head), “I never knew what people were talking about when they said they were crying for joy. Now, I know. He makes you so miserable and always has. I am so happy for you.” Not bad for a 13yo. Never underestimate what children know without you saying a word.
sweetopiagirl
/ December 28, 2011Reblogged this on Inspiredweightloss.
Red
/ December 28, 2011Thank you, Patsy! Scroll around. You may find some more you like! Please post a link to your blog in the Green Room (up at the top). Red.
life is a bowl of kibble
/ December 28, 2011number 4 a brilliant insight. It is spot on!
number 9 not so much. When you are unable to get what you want or need tell them the truth and turn it into a learning experience. An education pays.
number 8 should be a law
Very nice post. I enjoyed it much.
Red
/ December 29, 2011We agree on the learning experience. And if I could get an Senator to sit still long enough, #8 would be law…punishable by caning and a complete forfeit of salary for at least a month. Glad to see you tonight. Hope you picked up yours on the 15th day of Christmas 😉
Barb
/ December 29, 2011I think # 8 should be inserted in between every other rule. Reiterated. Underlined. Exclamation point.
Thanks for the post.
Red
/ December 29, 2011We could set the whole thing to music with #8 as the refrain! Thanks for stopping by, Barb! Red.
bear
/ December 29, 2011Red well said, as one who suffered through a divorce. My ex chose to bash me every chance she got while I said nothing. We had been separated for better than four years with little or no contact, except of course when it was birthday time or Christmas then it was ok to have contact with me. Money rules!!!!!!!!.
To the point, after the divorce was finalized, to the tune of 1 year I decided to remarry. I became the most horrible person in the world even for reasons that I do not know to this day. I have my oldest son who is the only one that speaks to me. He had moved away long before this stuff started. But again to the point. My ex had painted a horrible picture of me to the children, most of which were grown but now. I recieved hate mail from my children disowning me. So here’s my point, short and sweet, keep the nasty details real or otherwise fabricated to yourself, seek help!
Red
/ December 29, 2011This is another example of projection. It is imperative adults not project their hurt feelings (real or perceived) onto the children or expect children to broadcast adopted feelings to the divorced spouse. Bad Karma between parent and child should never be created or furthered. Thank you for sharing, Bear. Red.
prenin
/ December 29, 2011Hi Red! 🙂
When my parents divorced dad put me down on his paperwork as being mentally retarded – I used to be a programmer – and took out a £90,000 loan, but only paid my mum £5,000 in settlement, then went around telling everyone she cleaned him out…
Have no doubt: Dad WAS an abuser with an obsessive need to use his car as a weapon.
To this day I have to be careful when walking in case he sees me and tries to run me down!!! 🙁
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
Red
/ December 29, 2011This is an example of another spin on the lying. Lying about one’s children is as deplorable as lying to them. The insult of hiding the money from you mum is equally reprehensible. Thank you for sharing, Pren. Did you know he was an abuser then or did you not talk to your mum about it?
{HUGZ}
Red.
prenin
/ December 29, 2011Dad was a lifetime sadistic abuser of his wife and, when she no longer gave him the excuse to assault her, he turned on his children.
For details go read the poems on my blog – they say it all…
What amazes me was that mum left us behind with him and made countless excuses for not taking us with her, effectively abandoning us to his tender mercies.
Because of injuries suffered at his hands I was left unable to father children of my own until I had surgery in my late thirties and got a little help from Momma Nature.
Unfortunately I was driven to insanity and suicide by ‘Investigative Journalists’ so I was put on Olanzapine which shuts down the sex drive in men and makes it difficult for women to conceive, so it is unlikely I will ever have children of my own…
Love and hugs.
Prenin.
Red
/ December 29, 2011Abuse is something we will cover before I finish the divorce series. {HUGZ} for healing, Red.
Raymond Alexander Kukkee
/ December 29, 2011Interestingly, Red, the “not to do” list is exactly what some ‘ex spouses’ do at the time of divorce–and continue to do for many years.
How sad for them, because it invariably backfires as the “children” grow to be adults and realize what happened. Dysfunctional, vindictive spouses should obtain counseling on separation–and NOT use their children to further their own nasty agenda. Many children are damaged and permanently prejudiced against the other parent . This is an incredibly serious social issue that needs repair.
Red
/ December 29, 2011You are correct in that it does backfire. But as Bear’s story bares, sometimes it takes decades to get to a level of healing for the child to attempt to bridge the gap, and in other cases, the child is content with accepting the lies as gospel and feels no compunction to abandoning the other parent altogether.
I see you are projecting where this series is leading.
valentinelogar
/ December 29, 2011To this day my sons do not know why my marriage broke except what they witnessed themselves (horrific) or what their father told them. They don’t know the real story and never will from me. Thankfully he died before I ever had to reveal the truth. The breakup of my marriage nearly cost me my eldest son as he didn’t know what went on in the house and I would not speak ill of his father, even to defend myself.
Red
/ December 29, 2011The hardest part is keeping silent when the information is exculpatory. I commend your resolve and fastidiousness. You are my hero.
Red.
Rachael Black
/ December 29, 2011Children do divorce..because their parents do all of those things.
We become ghosts, outcasts in school, perhaps develop mental illness and/or substance abuse problems. We over-achieve to the point of exhaustion to try and please these parents who no longer show any care to us, only their new lives.
If we are one of the few lucky shades we meet a man, who we can never connect with (since we never learned those lessons) and have a beautiful child.
Then the ghost and husband/father divorce.
And with that child we do our best to avoid those same mistakes, make some different ones… and raise another genius child with self-esteem problems. But if we’re VERY lucky, that beautiful child loves us, and does us proud. And the ghost showers accolades and love that she never received.
And tries very hard to live again.
Red
/ December 29, 2011Hauntingly accurate description of the divorce gone horridly awry and the outcome. Parents, whether married or otherwise, absolutely must make their children and the children’s emotional well-being a priority. I hope you stick around for the second series after this one. It will be about the children. Red.
Rachael Black
/ December 29, 2011I’ll be here Red. You know the second husband was abusive -not only verbally but physically. I divorced him, fled the state and wound up here in Reno. Not because I didn’t believe I deserved it -which I now know I fucking didn’t- but because I did not want my daughter to ever think that this was the way a man should treat a woman.
Here is my BEST Christmas/Hanukkah/Yule surprise: My daughter recently told me ‘Oh Mom, I’m so happy that I turned out like you did!’
It made me cry with happiness… but also sad at the ability I’ve built up as an actress over the past 50 years.
Mr. DeMille I’m ready for my close-up. And I’d like to thank the Academy. Most of all my daughter -curtsy-
Thanks Red
Red
/ December 29, 2011We delve into the abuse factor in a few days…I have to get another award post together. And if you missed my happiness tears moment, scroll over up to my response to Ted. Yours trumps mine 🙂
And stop apologizing for doing the very best you could for her. You did something awesomely right for her to be grateful you did not exhibit how species eat their young!
Red.