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Muse for Monday

MantraMantra has been focused on a trending topic on M3. While she may not be reading each week’s SEP, she is in tune with the moving topics and what the average Internet surfer is using to find out what M3 has to offer…specifically, M3′s most popular post: And then there were none.

One of the hardest parts of friendship is not just knowing when it is over but being able to call it quits without a boat load of drama, hurt feelings and regrets.

Knowing it is over is as clear as scoring on the ten point scale. You and Quaint have run into that brick wall where one or both of you is below a five and some event has shattered the relationship. The top deal breakers are always:

  • Integrity
  • Honesty
  • Forgiveness

While occasionally compassion is the problem, it is only when Quaint is the one who hurt the feelings. True friendship can normally survive the choosing of sides by merely agreeing to disagree. But…

When it comes to fundamentals, this no longer applies. Failing to see eye-to-eye on such key issues as influence of religious beliefs and variance in fidelity definitions are generally not reparable, as they are pervasive beliefs which govern our interpersonal relationships and the prevalence we give honesty.

Time heals.

Many of the rocky starts to friendship are ironed out over time. As you learn the boundaries of where feelings get hurt, both yours and Quaint’s, there are fewer calls for forgiveness. These lessons are not singular to any one friendship. Many of them are applicable to all friends. Wisdom truly comes with age.

Or does it?

Mantra has identified a friend whose arrested development hinders all relationships. Everyone has met someone like this.

This person believes their own press. They perpetuate the sanitized version of everything in their past. Every episode stars their brilliance, ability, talent or overall superiority to every other person who has ever drawn a breath.

Everything they have ever owned was the first, best, limited edition or one of a kind made solely with them in mind, named after them and immortalized by the manufacturer as the corporate crowning achievement in all media ever after.

These people have the ability to see the fault in everyone except themselves…even you. Yes, this Quaint is the proverbial black pot.

The endless stream of complaints is about juvenile handling of everything, the eternal unfairness of life and how Eeyore’s cloud was really borrowed from them. It is a lament to their status as the victim.

Never once, since the day they were born, has anything ever been their fault. From all personally delivered accounts, they have never been wrong.

Really?

Mantra has a very simple message for these people. The poem is simply named Grow Up. She makes her point in a bit of narrative poetry.

Grow Up

Once upon a time gone by
We were joined at the hip.
Every social function,
Gathering  or vacation trip.

As the days added up,
The light began to shine.
I caught the little lies,
Started to hear you whine

About things you could change
Or fix or simply let go.
I asked you if you were stoned
Or just stupid. You said, “No.”

I went home to think and
Had to just scratch my head.
So many lies and complaints.
DOA. The trust was dead.

The answer was simple.
The relationship was over.
So many other friends to enjoy,
Many more to discover.

Paths diverged, and once again
The sun shone bright and clear,
Until in the square we met.
An intercept course did you steer.

Diversion would not happen.
So, I was cordial at least.
Not publicly necessary for me
To point out the mark of the beast.

Once again our paths crossed,
But I was far less polite.
You shoved an innocent child
Before me to catch my sight.

If you read faces half as well
As you read telephone book ads,
Maybe, you would have noticed,
My expression was not glad.

Disgusted, angry, frustrated-
Good descriptors, indeed.
Body language screaming “Away!”
Yet, you paid it no heed.

Between us a comfortable silence grew.
And not the pregnant kind either.
The distance which grows the heart forgetful.
Think of you? Why would I bother?

Rather than leave me peacefully
To my own devices and plans,
You insist on sticking your fingers
In the pot, stirring to beat the band.

Finally, I’ve had enough, and
Call you out for your impudence.
I’m validated by the watching crowd
Who’s heard your rehearsed innocence.

Its tinny cacophony grates the ears
Like nails on a chalkboard.
Then, comes the clinched moan
Of falling on your paper martyr’s sword.

Be gone before the curtain falls,
Puppet on the charade stage.
All see through the scenes and lines
Unfit for someone of your age.

300620120207
(c) Ann Marie Dwyer

 ~~~~~~~~~~

When was the last time you befriended this person? Have you ever actively ended a friendship? Are you content just to stop making contact and let them fade away from simple neglect?


(c) Red Dwyer 2012
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31 Comments

  1. Had a friend in HS who started hanging out with people I didn’t like and started doing things I didn’t agree with. I pulled away for 2 years until he realized the error in his ways..haa
    Bearman recently posted..Tom and Katie Jump the CouchMy Profile

    Reply
    • So many people (especially at that age) are willing to forgive far too much hurt and bad behavior in the name of keeping a friendship. There is a place where the bad behavior is just far too damaging.

      I hope coming to his senses was a good thing for the two of you.

      Reply
  2. What are these ‘ friends’ you speak of?
    No, seriously, I have been very fortunate to meet / become friends with some of the kindest people out there… fortunately this is something I very rarely have to worry about.
    :)
    spilledinkguy recently posted..Sick ThrustMy Profile

    Reply
    • I have been fortunate not to have to recycle too many friends. The few I have, it was for the best…at least for me.

      Reply
  3. Sometimes it is hardest to forgive, because forgetting is not likely…

    I had a lot of friends, but today I rarely see anyone as they have moved on and are dancing with the Devil.

    How strange it is that they try to blame all the harm they did on my mental illness – better for them that it is all in my mind…

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

    Reply
    • I do not see the devil dancers as any great loss. (Enter large dose of pragmatism.) Those are the ones who need to be recycled. You can only help those who want help. {HUGZ} Red.

      Reply
  4. I have a lot of friends who drift in and out of my life. Some return and some don’t. I have very rarely lost a friend over a disagreement, more due to the revolving door of life. My welcome mat is always there for those who knock. And if I don’t answer, I have probably moved :)
    Friggin Loon recently posted..Excuse Me, Is That a Baby In Your Bag?My Profile

    Reply
  5. This made me ponder on my past , when I looked at the reasons for a breakup in friendship, I looked at the points you mentioned and related them to my first two marriages and Voila, I just never saw the writing on the wall.
    Cheers
    Aussie Ian
    aussieian2011 recently posted..Fortress of My LoveMy Profile

    Reply
    • You were not here for the original marriage series. We talked about the fact the successful marriages were based on being friends (real, true 10 friends) before becoming Mates.

      Reply
  6. Friendships can change and evolve as you get older and change yourself. Some just don’t have a very solid foundation, while others seem to be able to endure anything, even long periods of neglect.
    Binky recently posted..World’s Best Garage SaleMy Profile

    Reply
    • The whole “foundation” is the ten-point scale. And so I am going to as you what I asked Loon… At which point they stop being “friends” and start just being someone you know/knew?

      Reply
  7. as unfortunate as it sounds but yes i did break up a friendship…i had to, cos there was no point in dragging it and let it ruin my mind. we were real good friends working together in the same school,she took another path,and after sometime i could not recognise her anymore,she was another soul in same old body..all the lies,fabriciated stories to get my sympathy, i knew the truth and what more she was destroying her son’s life by chossing to walk on the other path and i tried my best to talk her out of it but sometimes things don’t work out the way we have had it planned…
    loved the poem Red ..beautiful

    Reply
    • Soma, I do not see that as unfortunate. When we are engaging someone who is destructive, we are not preserving the part of ourselves which are friend material for others and our Mates. Those type of people are cancerous and drain all our energy. You would remove a portion of your body if it was poisoned. Are not friends a part of your heart’s and mind’s body?

      Reply
  8. Friendship is at our core – without it i do not think mankind could function.

    Reply
    • I really think you are right about that. It is the basis for marriage (not the institution) and the perpetuation of our race.

      Reply
  9. Just remember that we can never control anyone else’s behavior. We are only responsible for the way we react to it.

    Reply
  10. Life has its ups and downs, twists and turns and friends, like ghosts fade into nothingness and changed, ebbing and flowing like the oceans sometimes drifting along unable to see the waves crashing down, drowning in a sea of uncertainty.

    I suppose that even the most robust of friendships can weaken over time, but where that stability is corrupted and how one’s feelings and inner beliefs become distorted is anyone’s guess, maybe real friendships cannot withstand the passage of time, or maybe the foundations were not shaped convincingly enough in the first place, alas time and change is something that just happens.

    A truly excellent and
    thought provoking post Red :)

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply
    • I have known a few which had the proper foundation to last a lifetime, even with the neglect distance and time infer. The weathering of beliefs is something I have never seen with a convincing survival rate. Glad I got you thinking ;)

      Reply
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