Alliteration and onomatopoeia will always inhabit my writing, especially my poetry. Why? I like when the words have a pleasing sound when they are spoken. English may be a mutt as far as languages are concerned, but I see absolutely no reason why it should not be well enunciated.
Not happy about this one.
What is uniformly lacking from my poetry is anything resembling a lyrical quality. Only a few months ago did I attempt something I only do every few years: repetition of lines. Truth be told, my inner critic would leave this on the cutting room floor. Perhaps, it is merely Mantra grousing she had nothing to do with it.
Over time, relationships come and go. Some end mutually. Some end in anger. Some are destroyed by hurt. There are a few which end because one person is gone. Whether the leaver has merely walked away or has died, the one left behind may not have shaken loose the heartstrings.
Take Away is a story of unrequited love. Specifically, it is of the love left over after the end of a relationship.
Take Away
Under the cover of darkness
I wrestle the demons
left behind in your wake.
Uncaring. Wishing I was
unfeeling the pain of
their aimed heart stakes.
Why could you not
take away my love?
Blissful numbness wore
away, leaving the heart hole
drilled by your love.
Raw. Making me pray
for relief, if anyone is
listening from above.
Why could you not
take away my love?
The night is chill
without your warm
embrace, your touch.
Longing. Wanting to
feel arms around me.
Wanting too much.
Why could you not
take away my love?
Dawn is timid, pale
pink. Coffee is no
longer strong and sweet.
Hungry. Thirsting for a
better place to rest
my bones and feet.
Why could you not
take away my love?
Overfilled with emotion
and no one here or
close to receive.
Loving. Longing to share,
care. Needing someone
to help me revive.
Why could you not
take away my love?
Realization is empty.
Knowing I am alone
makes the loneliness
Omnipresent. Engulfing
my soul in the frigid
grip of aloneness.
Why could you not
take away my love?
020620100046
MJ Logan
/ June 2, 2012Just because two people can no longer be together, and perhaps were never meant for each other, does not mean they did not, or could not, love each other.
When the realization hits that they no longer belong together, or perhaps never should have been together, that does not mean the love felt never existed, and will likely, if ever, take a long time to fade into the past.
The lament is just that, the love has not faded, but the partner/mate/lover is gone, and but not the love felt for them.
MJ Logan recently posted..Feeling the Need for Speed
Red
/ June 2, 2012A poignant example of this was given to me a couple days ago. A couple has broken up after nine years together. They still love each other, but know it is better for them to salvage their friendship and nurture the love than continue an ill-fated love affair.
Bearman
/ June 2, 2012onomatopoeia will never inhabit my writing but it sometimes inhibits it.
Bearman recently posted..Team Cul De Sac Fighting Parkinsons
Red
/ June 2, 2012Pretty crucial vowel there, Bearman 😉
I have more than 5,000 contacts. on Facebook
/ June 2, 2012Bearman commented on Momma’s Money Matters:
onomatopoeia will never inhabit my writing but it sometimes inhibits it.
Bearman
/ June 5, 2012Is this following me everywhere?
Red
/ June 5, 2012I have three of these echoes. Hoping it is fixed now. Hate to have the reverb too high on the blog.
LScott
/ June 2, 2012This is beautiful, Red, and the “story” is similar to my most recent, although, the ending and style is different. It does amaze me how two people can be together for so long and then all of a sudden, find that it’s better they part. I finally understood how after 25 years of marriage this could happen, only because I’ve been married 23 years. However, happily, I should clarify. But, many grow apart during the children rearing years and then they don’t remember how to sustain their love once the children are gone. Anyway, I’m rambling, but wonderful poem and writing~ 🙂
LScott recently posted..Acceptance
Red
/ June 2, 2012Lauren, you would be so surprised how many people find out they cannot stand Mate once they are no longer occupied with children. They begin to notice all the idiosyncrasies which were swept under the rug in favor of hustling children to this or that. Shame really. I maintain the couple who act as a team in the child rearing, rather than taking turns, fare much better in the end.
Glad you are a winner! I hope you have at least another 23 more 🙂
adollyciousirony
/ June 2, 2012You are loved my dear friend, please accept my gift for you here:
http://allaboutlemon.com/2012/06/03/more-recognition-awards-and-you-are-loved/
adollyciousirony recently posted..More Recognition Awards And You Are Loved
Red
/ June 2, 2012Oh, sweet Dolly! I cannot wait to pass by all the blogs! Thank you so much <3
BuddhaKat
/ June 2, 2012Hi Red… I’ve been following you for a while, but lately I realize I should have been paying more attention! These lyrics are absolutely beautiful. And I love the other structures you have included, like 3/3/2 line structure repeated. Like how each verse also repeats that pattern in syntax (or so) , emotional feel, single word (adjective) sentence, same sounds or letters or ambience (or?) repeated in same line of each verse.
Not to mention the repetition of the 2 last lines of each verse is exactly how songs are structured chorus/bridge repeats. Sorry I’m so wordy here, but I’ve starting to hear a chord progression and there might be a rhythm right behind that. In other words, you have penned yourself a lovely song, here, hear? At least one minor chord, probably 3rd or 5th of the key…
sorry…
it is a lovely set of lyrics…
I WILL be paying more attention to the email notifications I get when you publish…
🙂
janet
BuddhaKat recently posted..Size Matters…
Red
/ June 2, 2012Well, welcome back stranger. I thought you had gotten lost in the mist! So, set it to music! 😉 I would love to hear what melody it would give you!
BuddhaKat
/ June 4, 2012Apparently, I DID get lost – couldn’t even see the mist for the FB gorillas and guerrillas… I must admit, I’m glad I haven’t solidified any kind of relationship with or through FB only – I just think it’s been going downhill ever since the movie… can you say “head too big”!?!?!?
Anyhoo, so glad to be back. Keep up the awesomeness!!
I’m a SLOW creative, so don’t hold your breath, but I will be actively working on a tune for you…
(though it’s been years since I’ve composed music, it’s like riding a bike)…
take care, now…
🙂
janet
BuddhaKat recently posted..“Natural Progression” – a SIX WORD STORY…
prenin
/ June 2, 2012Yeah. I’ve lived this one too often.
Nice piece Red.
Prenin.
I have more than 5,000 contacts. on Facebook
/ June 2, 2012Well, welcome back stranger. I thought you had gotten lost in the mist! So, set it to music! 😉 I would love to hear what melody it would give you!
Valentine Logar
/ June 2, 2012I love this one, a lot. So haunting.
Valentine Logar recently posted..No Bastards No Choice
Red
/ June 2, 2012This one was 850 miles from the scene of the crime, sitting on a balcony of a hotel, blowing smoke rings at a street light. I agree with your assessment.
aussieian2011
/ June 3, 2012Damn it Red , now I gotta go and google ,learn and understand a new word called onomatopoeia,never heard of it but before I check it out , tell me if I am doing it ?
Emu
aussieian2011 recently posted..Spirits Playground
Red
/ June 3, 2012LOL! Onomatopoeia is words which sound like the thing they denote: crackle, pop, crunch, stutter. I use them a lot because I often evoke the sounds in the scene in my poetry. Mine nearly always takes the scene into account to help set the mood. Muse will be a good example of setting. (The Monday evening post…your Tuesday morning.)