Saturday Evening Post

We have all had time to button our pants back, so grab a cuppa. Snuggle into a rocker. This has been a fun and productive week. The schedule stood on its head. Clyde is curious, as always. Let’s talk.

Redmund

This week has seen more manuscripts make their way to the final layout. The ISBN are going to be attached in the next week. Then, we will be ready for proofing!

The forum has been hopping. There is a holiday project in the WIP room, new replies in the Gratitude thread and a rumor someone is going to put in a playpen… for all those times silliness is the only solution.

The main site will go live quietly. The M3 Readers are welcome to come, register, scroll around. The bookstore is on track to be ready. Everyone pass a thought this way for no more software crashes. I am currently on the fourth (4!) piece of software. I am the reigning alpha queen. I can break anything you send to beta (or stable) as though I was on an alpha team.

Too bad the pay is not commensurate with the jewels.

Talk!

I knew when I posted Bad it would garner many comments. You are amazing. In what is bordering on our longest conversation on M3, traffic remains high to ingest the topic and the comments. All of it makes me want to buy an island.

No, not to get away. To build the world we discussed. No matter how many ways I say it, you are the single most enlightened, intelligent, compassionate and reasoned audience anywhere.

Analyze This.

Another post which got everyone talking, even those who were not sure what they wanted to say, was But Not. There were many interpretations of it. The SIB held quite a few requests to have me reveal what Mantra had in mind when this one hit the notebook.

Considering I attempted five other verbs for the last line, I always came back to “break”. It really was romantic.

Utter Minx

Through the stanzas, the theme was: What everyone else expects is not what Mantra was after. Regardless of the amount of work we pour into being what we expect others want of us, it is emotionally easier than being ourselves. Over and over, Mantra chanted what she wanted was not what the accepted version of “ideal” was.

She harkened back to the Strength & Weakness series. She was not looking for a breadwinner, a savior, a fixer, a seducer, a guide. Instead, she wanted Mate to let it go and be Mate by embracing the opposite.

In the end, she asked for reciprocity: to be allowed to be herself without the trappings of expectations; to break the cycle of going through the motions; to be free. Overall, it was very romantic.

M3 Changes

My apologies to the colorblind in the crowd, but the changes around here are cosmetically obvious to everyone else. Green and red are my colors… as if you could not tell by the posts, my hair and the color scheme. I am behind on updating the Alumni Club, the Map and no, that is all. There have been updates to the Green Room (more than 15), Updates Only, The Office (everyone should have read these…yes, you), Widowed Blog Hop and About Momma.

The poll is going to be a casualty. As much as I have relied on the polls to do various things around here, they are an invasive piece of software which has come to the end of its usability. I will be looking into other alternatives, but for now, it is going to fall by the wayside. More on this at the end.

The sharing bar at the bottom is one of my favorite new pieces. I am aware of the issue with the Pinterest sharing tools. From all the information I could gather, it is a problem between the core WP software driving this flying circus and Pinterest. No clue when it will be fixed, but the solutions I know so far are cookie based: Empty your cookies from the last hour, and it should work. Meh. If you are on Pinterest, bug them to create a portable button.

The Love! button is fixed. I have deleted and destroyed all evidence of what was causing it to malfunction. Press it when you like something. If you come back and read later and like it (again, some more, still), press it again. I will never know. The top posts displayed in the right side bar are new and based on your showing Love!

Right Turn, Clyde!

So, Clyde wants to talk about apples. No, not the apples from the last SEP: The kind which never fall far from the tree. Generally, those are the rotten kind.

When we talk about stellar characteristics we hold in high regard, we are unlikely to credit the parents with the instillation and nurturing of said characteristics. As shameful as that is, let’s move on to something different.

Talk about horrible habits and bad traits: Fingers jab and thumbs jerk toward the parents. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Now, Ralph Waldo Emerson meant something different in 1839, but H.W. Thompson did not.

Enter Ape

Right turn, Clyde.

Clyde wants to know why we credit children’s (even the grown ones) bad behavior to the parents. Although bad behavior can be learned anywhere, we should do the responsible thing and be totally honest: More often than not, it is apt.

We have discussed the original social circle; It consists of the nuclear family. (You need to know the real definition. We will wait.) During our identity formation, it is the most powerful of circles. Just as ripples lose effect as they broaden, so do social circles.

Looking at the most egregious of behaviors, we find they are most often witnessed by the child and aped. (No offense taken by Clyde.) Ergo, Johnson’s application is correct: The apple never falls far from the tree.

Barring psychopathic and sociopathic behaviors, the majority of bad behavior can be traced directly back to the parents. Before you start decrying your children’s bad behavior as not my fault, let’s have a few examples.

Meme

The authoritative parent is the one who produces the largest herd of memes. This parent is quick to employ Do as I say, not as I do.  Child learns to do as Parent says in front of Parent and what Parent does behind Parent’s back.

A good example of this is children of alcoholic/addicted parents. While they profess no drinking/drugs to the children, in an effort to relieve themselves of the weight of parental responsibility and return to their self-serving behavior, children mimic what they see. Child learns Parent can do this and still be a Parent. Child sees no reason not to master the skill on the sly, serving self just as Parent does.

Drama

The drama family has theatre in their blood. From a young age, Child sees Parent panic at e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. Each disappointment is a catastrophe. Every illness wound hangnail produces a near-death experience. Every award is the only one ever to be bestowed and the last of its kind because there is no one else on the planet, ad infinitum, will ever be as laudable or worthy.

By the time Child becomes Teen, the two are competing for the limelight. Teen leaves Parent’s home to engage Mate with all the same drama and trauma. To the outside onlooker, it is an obvious inheritance. Neither of them are likely to see it, much less admit it.

Mean 

Passive-aggressive behavior is learned. Some apples fall across the fence, but many of them land directly at the foot of the tree. Child will use these tactics where they will be most effective, namely against peers and siblings. When they are gainfully employed in adulthood, they are most successful in fields where deception is an asset. For the record: Passive-aggressive behavior is a form of abuse.

Many other behaviors are directly passed from Parent to Child: co-dependence, physical abuse, theft, lying, lack of personal responsibility. Often one or the other will see the behavior in the other as bad. Call it Blindness.

Break the Cycle

Not growing up to be your parent is something all of us attempt to do. It is the human trait responsible for the cyclical nature of our history. While separate, distinct identity can be readily achieved when we apply ourselves to learning why our parents do things a certain way, many forego the effort in favor of being better at it than Parent.

Clyde thinks the apple has a worm through it.

Until next time,

Red Signature

~~~~~~~~~~

Name a trait in your family you are grateful not to have “inherited”. What is one way to ensure we are not passing down bad behavior to our children? 

If a Survey Monkey is installed on M3, would you use it? Have you entered to win copies of Christine’s books? Did you have a good turkey day?

When you tweet or +1 this post, please use the hashtags #parenting and #psychology.


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36 Comments

  1. I”m grateful to have not inherited the “butt in and take over without having a clue what’s going on trait”…..where is the entry thingy for the book? I didn’t see it. I’m gonna have to look again, I think I’m going blind.
    Laurie recently posted..Saturday’s PlansMy Profile

    Reply
    • On the spotlight. The original post (which I believe you saw) was poisoned and crashed M3- theme, comments, widgets. It was terrible. I posted a new one. You should be able to see it now. 😉

      Reply
  2. Love the tiara…though I must say I had to look twice. At first I thought it was made from the back end of darts..haha
    Bearman recently posted..Bo Lumpkin WeekMy Profile

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    • Hahaha! I would hope for $12M it would be a bit better than darts. I think fletchings of emerald would fly funny. 😉

      Reply
  3. Oh look at you! You look just like the queen you are! 🙂 Green goes well with your eyes too. 😉
    ♥ xxx
    Deb recently posted..KnightMy Profile

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    • Thank you! I was looking for a sapphire tiara, but this one matches the decor so much better 😉 Great to see you today, Deb. <3 {HUGZ}

      Reply
  4. I love the tiara too. I love seeing you in current pics 🙂

    Fancy having to explain your other piece! I think I understood it. We do tend to ‘be’ for someone, but are so much more healthy being as we are.

    You’re doing so much work with the book store. EXCELLENT. I’ll say it again… mover, shaker…
    Noeleen recently posted..Death by ShoppingMy Profile

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    • Thank you. I have lots of requests to parse poetry. I tend to let them lie unless they come from some of the regulars around here. For the engaged M3 Readers, I will do most anything they ask <3

      Reply
  5. I am not an alcoholic – oops damn I wasn;t supposed to say that – and although not inherited the under rug sweepers – yes I did it instinctively until it was pointed out to me.. then I realized just how much we didn;t talk about unpleasant things.. down right ignored the elephant in the room… now it drives me nuts! Another thing – jaw jutting which is essentially walking around with your lower jaw preceding you into the room clearly pissed but when someone asks you what;s wrong? NOTHING – or the never asks for help then gets upset when you don;t… know that is waht was wanted…. oh.. i think i will stop. oh the ability to cut someone down to little… if they aren;t in the reqalm of certain standards… I hate that too… nd have quit trying to achieve the standards.. it was fun at first.. now I just do my own thing and if any of them wants to criticize me I just with they do it to my face instead of having to hear about it from my kids…. survey monkey? well… if it has a tale of course I would – um do what ? answer the surveys? or …

    My turkey day included …lots of fun and much of the above… just saying 😉 I am used to it though.. hope yours was good.. I already told you about the turkey that didn;t cross the road, right?

    I am getting all excited again.. that;s a good thing um it is …the good tension.. but sleep keeps dampening my enthusiasm.. or stopping the forward momentum… or something but it is exciting isn;t it?

    Love you much
    Lizzie <3
    Lizzie Cracked recently posted..Bipolar Bytes; Decking the Halls and Turkey BallsMy Profile

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    • I have never been able to walk around the lump in the rug. Most often, it would have needed rappelling gear to get over to the other side. LOL! The jaw made me think of this:

      Good. One vote for survey monkey. I hear you about the sleep thing. Even if I do want another 29 hours or so 😉 <3 Holiday was cool with the rents. I am so ready to move back to civilization. IJS. Much <3 xxx

      Reply
  6. So you’re no longer just Red now, you’re Red Green? Haha, that’s a Canadian joke. You’re much better looking than our Red Green, though he was pretty funny. (The Red Green Show, 1991-2006)
    Binky recently posted..After School SnackMy Profile

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    • I need to see if those are on YouTube. You are not the first Canadian to tell me about the show, but I have not watched any of it yet. 😉

      Reply
      • Red Green is the duct tape king. I believe the show was more popular in the US midwest for a time than it was in Canada. It was on PBS for a while. It was gentle humor, not necessarily sophisticated, but zany. There are a lot of skits on YouTube. Something like “The Red Green Show Red customizes a car” is not a bad one.
        Binky recently posted..After School SnackMy Profile

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  7. I LOVE the tiara, and the person beneath it makes it all the more special. Thank you for this post, Red, it brought me many places, particularly to your post on abuse called Sticks and Stones. I read it intently and it tied in so well with the apple not falling far from the tree. I also read the post on expectations in marriage, and that was a wonderful one, too. Informative, thought out, and helpful. I understand how I became who I was in my early adulthood. It’s been years of growth since then, and I’m still growing. Not far from the tree, but with wisdom in mind to understand it.
    Much Love and Congrats on your progress at RP!
    Gailxxx
    Gail Thornton recently posted..Poem – On Hold to ParisMy Profile

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    • The flashback to older series around M3 are just part of the consistency. I tend to explore subjects which we may or may not initially view as connected. Chalk it up to I am never content merely to know. I want to understand, which necessarily means connecting all the dots. 😉

      And there is nothing wrong with becoming part of a forest as long as you are a healthy tree <3 Much love, xxx

      Reply
  8. I had a Passive-aggressive granny. Everything comes at a cost 🙁
    frigginloon recently posted..Was Yassar Arafat Murdered?My Profile

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    • Ouch. Grannies with switches are bad enough. I like to see the strings, so I can choose not to engage. :/

      Reply
  9. I guess you know by now what my childhood was like and how it haunts me today.

    I swore I would be completely different from my father and stuck to it all my life, but the damage was done and ran too deep to manage a decent relationship and the thing I could never have: Children of my own.

    I have my adopted family and love them to death, but when I die my genes – and my father’s crimes – will die with me.

    I guess there is always a silver lining, but regret is something I’ll feel for the rest of my life…

    Love and hugs! 🙂

    Prenin.
    prenin recently posted..Saturday – Speaking in tongues.My Profile

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    • Conceptually, I understand the pull for genetic recreation. Experientially, I understand the dissolution of genetic pull when we adopt. For my entire life, I have proclaimed there is a difference between being a Daddy and being a sperm donor. Genetically, being a parent is a possible side effect of sex. In reality, being a daddy is far work and far more rewarding than merely being inscribed on a birth certificate as ancestral. {HUGZ} It is a huge silver lining. Look at it another way, Pren.

      Reply
  10. Hi Red, great to catch up with you again.. if I had a trait I didnt want to inherit.. it would be ‘Bitterness’ My mother held onto so much.. is turned her sour….

    Never change who you are Red, and good luck again with the Book… you deserve the crown…. and are Queen of M3 for all the right reasons in my book…
    Hugs to you Red..
    Sue xox
    Sue Dreamwalker recently posted..My Journey of Souls ~My Profile

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    • So good to see you today, Sue. I have been off enjoying my holiday with my family. Bitterness can be a tough one. So often, it is a side effect of drama. I am always to grateful to hear those who learned what not to do from their parent’s behavior. Such a poignant sign of maturity. And thank you <3 Much <3 {HUGZ}

      Reply

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