What a whirlwind this week has been! Reports of snow here were premature, but not so much for a good portion of the M3 Readers. New domains, packed schedules, lots of hacking, Clyde is fish eyeing things. Grab a cuppa and snuggle into a rocker. Let’s talk.
Domains & Hacking
During the renewal of the domain for M3, an opportunity presented. Now, anyone who goes to TheM3Blog.com will be delivered right here. None of your links here will stop working. It is just a help for those searching for M3.
This week found a solution to the problem with the email subscriptions. I have not gotten word from everyone who said they had not gotten email in a while (since 17JAN). Still, the reports which have come in are positive. Good hack found.
In an RP hack, we will be unveiling a new shopping cart and shipping method which will bring the shipping down significantly from the UPS contract price we had. I will keep clicking this weekend in hopes to have it complete by Wednesday.
Schedules
I am going on a book tour starting 28FEB. If anyone would like to guest post during that time, hit the SIB. In case you missed the last subscription notice, the calendar is up on the Book Tour page.
Right Turn, Clyde!
The orang is impatient. For a primate, it is hardly out of character. What has him twitching? Pity.
Merriam Webster defines pity as:
a : sympathetic sorrow for one suffering, distressed, or unhappy
b : capacity to feel pity
Who wants that?
Have you heard?
Oh, I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do.”
This is pity. Rarely is this statement true, which really is a pity (definition two). In the first place, the person with the “sympathetic sorrow” is not sorry. In the second place, there probably is.
First things first. “I’m sorry” is not expressive in most of the cases where it is used. This is due in large part to the abundantly lazy English language. Knee-jerk “I’m sorry” is offered for everything from bumping into someone on the sidewalk to running over the neighbor’s dog. In its ubiquity, it is meaningless. Specifically, in this instance the offer is illegitimate. The person sorrying is not at fault for the situation.
Shy bringing someone back from the dead, one would be hard pressed to be completely helpless in a situation. For instance,
Lost Job
- An offer to babysit during job hunting
- Offering a meal
- Giving a genuine reference or a job opportunity available
Herculean Task
- Take other responsibilities to create time for completion
- Offer experienced advice (sans condescension)
- Seek out guidance from someone who does have experience (network)
Death
- Do chores
- Bring food or fetch items from stores
- Listen
Not so helpless after all. Giving someone pity is saying, “I am glad I am not in your position because it is awful, but I am not going to do anything beyond acknowledge I do not want to be in your shoes.”
I would ask for help, but I do not want pity.”
Redundant. Let’s look at why. Translation:
I would ask for (something), but I do not want (to receive nothing).
Double negatives are always wrong. Receiving pity is receiving nothing. When we ask for help, we are specifically asking for something other than pity.
Creation
Those who do pity are committing a pity. Translation: To acknowledge (heartache, desperation, pain) and do nothing is regrettable. Shameful really to have cajones large enough to say Dude, I would hate to be you, and return to one’s own functionally dysfunctional world without action.
Many people are precluded from asking for help because they are convinced asking for help is admitting failure. In fact, failing to ask for help most often ensures failure. While it may seem (cool, rewarding, fulfilling) to be able to say I did it all by myself, in reality team efforts produce benefits beyond the simple finishing of the task. None of us can know the internal struggle which preceded the simple statement.
I need help.”
Scope
Regardless of the state of despair, there are few people who go to others looking for an immaculate solution. They are not going to turn over the problem for one person to solve. They are just as unlikely to turn it over and not help themselves in some way. Yes: Accepting help is often helping oneself.
Enter Ape
Right turn, Clyde.
Societies spend inordinate amounts creating networks to help those in need. If, indeed, our governments are representative of our community feeling, why do we individually wash our hands of helping one another?
After the internal struggle with lifelong teachings a person asks for help. When we turn them away with pity, we reinforce the concept asking for help is wrong. Logic prevails: If the help was appropriate to ask for, the respondent would have granted it. Is this really our intention for someone who is already hurting or in need?
Excuses
Does our rejection of giving help come with a caveat?
I am too busy.”
Perhaps, the rest of the world could wait until “the schedule” opens up to accommodate humanity, kindness and charity.
I do not know how.”
Perhaps, the problem will wait until an education presents. We all know there is no one who can solve problems we cannot.
I did not do it.”
Perhaps, the cause of the problem will have our lacking conviction of conscience and in a fit of remorse rectify the situation.
How many times do we talk about random acts of kindness? Are they any less kind when they are not random, instead coming on request?
It is enough to make an ape wonder.
Quietly,
What stops us from asking for help? What stops us from giving help? Do we undervalue the help we give to others? How do you feel celebrating the success of those you help?
#Hashtags: #charity #society #RAOK
You can make a difference.
Binky
/ February 9, 2013I’m sorry, but I’m too busy and do not know if I did it or not.
Binky recently posted..Reality TV
Red
/ February 9, 2013Chances are good you did not. 😉
El Guapo
/ February 9, 2013I disagree with you on this – not in the specific examples you give,but in a more general way.
To say “I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do for you in this situation” is an expression of regret, but also of standing with someone in a bad situation, which is sometimes the best thing that can be done.
El Guapo recently posted..Friday Foolishness – Slathered Edition
Red
/ February 9, 2013Being supportive, as in lending an ear and being a sounding board, is not doing nothing. Doing nothing is saying “Bummer” and walking back to your own version of Shagri la. Many times listening to someone recite is enough for them to find the solution they are overlooking. Indeed, that is not doing nothing. Pity is doing nothing. The thought does not count.
El Guapo
/ February 9, 2013One day I will manage to pick a semantic fight with you.
I’ll get my ass kicked, but oh, what fun it will be! 😉
El Guapo recently posted..Friday Foolishness – Slathered Edition
Red
/ February 9, 2013I promise not to sharpen my epee. Deal? 😉
Bearman Cartoons
/ February 9, 2013I’m sorry to hear you won’t be around to post. hahahahaha
Bearman Cartoons recently posted..Etch-A-Sketch Memorial
Red
/ February 9, 2013Ah, but when I am not, someone is 😉
prenin
/ February 9, 2013The trouble with people in need is that, too often, the person asking for help is not expecting you to assist because they need help, but because they are looking for someone who is sympathetic and can be fed on as they demand more and more of the person they are leeching off.
Darrell (who had a stroke) was also a devious and manipulative alcoholic, so by being the only person willing to help him (his family lived too far away) I became his only prey and he would say anything, do anything, to get me to buy his alcohol even though he knew alcohol would kill him – and did.
Doug has replaced Darrell in the leeching stakes, trying to feed off me as he tried to control the DHSS and dominate me in an effort to get me to supply him with money for his alcohol.
After refusing to help him any more Doug has repeatedly and persistently tried to get me to help him with small things while trying to insinuate himself back into my life and regain what he lost when he sold me to the local gangsters who then sold me to the media in revenge for talking about how my dad tried to sell me to them when I was little.
I’ve heard nothing from him over the past month, so I’m hoping he got the message, but I won’t bet on it…
Does that stop me helping people?
Heck no! 🙂
Not everyone is a predator, but it isn’t easy to tell one from the other until you get bit! 🙂
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
Red
/ February 9, 2013Frankly, from all accounts I have seen, that is not true. The majority of the people who are in need do not ask for help even when they are in dire straits. The perpetuation of the myth “those who ask are out to steal” is rampant in my country as well as yours. The abusers are far outweighed by those whose needs are genuine.
prenin
/ February 10, 2013I agree hun – I have been bitten four times I can remember, probably a few more, but those were exceptions.
I just have a lousy choice in neighbours… 🙂
RLB
/ February 10, 2013Sorry there isn’t a Like button, so I’m posting my agreement with you (does that help?) here. : ) But Red is right that most people who REALLY need help usually try not to ask for it. It’s the ones who will bite you that ask…and keep asking with more and more “need.” What most of them need is far beyond the help of most of us, and when our help consists only of pointing the way, they don’t care to see it.
prenin
/ February 10, 2013Thanks for the like! 🙂
Yes, I agree, but fortune has placed me in a block of flats where they have been stuffing the druggies and alcoholics because they are small flats unsuitable for more than couples and were originally intended for the elderly.
With end results you can probably guess… 🙁
On my floor I have an addict on one side and an alcoholic on the other and it seems neither will be here for much longer, either by deliberate act or misfortune, so all I can do is draw a line and refuse to cross it.
There’s an elderly lady at my church who asks for nothing and she’s dying of inoperable cancer.
Against that my neighbours problems seem petty in comparison…
God Bless!
Prenin.
Red
/ February 11, 2013Pointing out the correct path requires action from the person asking. Those who do not want “help”, instead wanting someone to do it for them, are never going to help themselves. We misinterpret users’ requests as pleas for “help”. In fact, they are not. Those who need help often will minimally talk about their situations and hope we read between the lines and make the assumption they need help.
Valentine Logar
/ February 10, 2013Asking for help when we need it, whether for something small or just to listen is sometimes the most difficult thing any of us can do. Whatever the reason, pride or fear, the asking is hard. Perhaps we have been rejected in the past or maybe we have been ridiculed, but the asking is hard.
Pity, when we bare our soul admitting we are not superwoman or superman; we are at our weakest moment. If the response is pity, it is unlikely we will do so again. On the other hand, if the reaction is even an open hand, an open heart or a smile we learn to ask. This I think is the real issue, empathy and compassion are in short supply these days.
Red
/ February 11, 2013I agree. We have become so hard-hearted we do not see our own needs as those with which we could receive help and fail utterly to see the need in others, especially when it is unannounced.
MJ Logan
/ February 10, 2013“I’m sorry, let me know if I can help.”
“Well actually there…”
“Perhaps you misunderstood. My offer of aid was nothing nothing more than social glamour designed to excuse my lack of real sympathy and obviously you didn’t notice that I don’t GAF.”
MJ Logan recently posted..Ice Cold
Red
/ February 10, 2013You nailed it. Great to see you today, MJ.
frigginloon
/ February 11, 2013I am an ear magnet. I attract random people who have problems or who are suffering loss. I don’t know why but I listen …which is all that is ever asked of me. I am the almighty ear .
frigginloon recently posted..Raining Spiders In Brazil
Red
/ February 11, 2013You underestimate how much difference it makes to have someone hear out the issue. I, too, attract those who would have me listen. My editorial powers of summation often bring what they have said to me into clarity. So very glad to see you tonight. xxx
frigginloon
/ February 11, 2013Well Red, I wonder if we can save the world with our powers? I would like to think so 😉
frigginloon recently posted..Did South Korea Just Complete a Nuclear Test?
Red
/ February 12, 2013Wonder Twin powers…activate 🙂 xxx
Derek Mansker
/ February 11, 2013The “let me know if there is anything I can do” is something people say, but often without any sort of desire to help. — Not all the time, but often enough. I have had people offer help and then when I have taken them up on it they have not really helped.
Why do we not ask for help? I think it is hard to ask for help because we don’t like to be in a position where me might be in need. I guess we could call that pride.
I have met some people who ask for help when they don’t need it, but I guess that is another story.
Derek Mansker recently posted..Winter and Summer in one weekend
Red
/ February 11, 2013MJ said the same thing, and for me at least it is far more common than genuine offers of help. The pride is something I cannot understand. The question which burns for me is: When I ask for help, why does no one take it seriously? I do not fall into the last group of asking others to do for me in my stead, so I have never quite figured that one out. Glad you stopped by today, Derek.
Tess Kann
/ February 13, 2013I wouldn’t know how to accept help. My own parents decided to “help” me” in a financial way when I divorced during the last century. I couldn’t handle it. I was working. I was a grown-up. I was a single mother. Hey, I could handle it all. Really.
I have NO idea how to accept help because I have always DONE it, you know? Even sympathy when my mom died not long ago, offers were made. Most I felt were simply ‘speak’ but even if they were real, please–no, thank you–I’m fine.
Some cannot allow their vulnerability to see the light of day. Great post. Fab subject for discussion.
Red
/ February 14, 2013I know what you mean. I have always been the Little Red Hen. I finally learned other ppl can mop and do dishes. It has been a life saver for me. It has allowed me the space to be more creative and more productive. I am happier for it. xxx