I am too ill to be able to wrap my brain around what has occurred. Clyde will not make an appearance tonight. The wind is cold. So is my soul.
Quaint came to me to say the only solution was suicide.
Suicide happens to be on my cannot abide list. In my 2/3 of a lifetime, I have talked more than a handful off the ledge. My success rate must have been tied to modus operandum.
In the past, the suicides I was able to thwart were of traditional means: overdose, poison, carbon monoxide, gun, exsanguination, fall, motor vehicle. Each very simple mode of death was set with a finite path and relatively easy to predict time frame. The window of opportunity was framed.
Quaint has not chosen a simple mode of death.
The proliferation of contributing causes is exacerbated by everyday living, especially the lifestyle and career Quaint engages. The combination of health conditions and mental barrage of stressors equates without deviation to a casket.
What’s the rub?
We all end up in some variant on the theme of a casket. Not all of us are heaping coal into the locomotive’s engine. Quaint is.
Any of a large number of choices would circumvent the expedited conclusion. Even one good choice will make a difference. Quaint says no.
Excuse. Fear. Excuse. Pride. Excuse. Fear. Excuse.
Standard fare in this case is to ravel the excuses from being large un-Boy Scout knots into easy to roll (or cut) strings. Done. No sooner than one is done, another one is presented.
Pride? Yes, Quaint is too proud to take help, even in the form of information. Again, why?
Fear of truth: Being faced with a situation which is a direct result of your own bad behavior and bad choices and having someone who had no hand in making the choice point out the truth.
Fear of responsibility: Taking ownership of both bad behavior and bad choices, especially when a third party has pointed them out, and knowing that ownership will require you to stop said bad behavior.
Fear of the unknown: The cure for the fear of the unknown is to know.
Fear of knowing: Finding out may mean you are really the reason for the situation’s dire nature.
Fear of change: Once you know it is your doing, you have to stop doing it.
Fear of failure: You may not change to the right thing the first time.
Fear of judgment: Owning your bad behavior means admitting those who judged you may have had probable cause.
Fear of belief: Admitting you did not uphold the beliefs you held out.
Fear of labels: Someone may think your bad behavior is untoward, and you will not have the chutzpah to prove you are not accurately characterized by your bad behavior.
Fear of trying: It is easier to do nothing than attempt something which may fail.
No matter how I may try, I can never force someone to do something they are unwilling to attempt.
In this case, what I failed to do was convince Quaint to take any one of the myriad choices available to derail the train.
Tonight, I am ill, both heartsick and physically ill, knowing someone I would give the world on a string is resigned to suicide.
© Red Dwyer 2013
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