Zombies

Typically, when you think of raising someone, you are thinking about children or zombies. In both cases, you are correct. No, don’t get your knickers in a twist. You know at least one zombie. Admit it. No? Still? *sigh*

The Walking Dead

Brain death has occurred, but the body still walks… seeking brains. You know someone like this. Guaranteed. Look at the symptoms:

English: Brighton Zombie Walk 2010

  • Ears, probably two, attached, but do not function.
  • Movement is lethargic, lacks urgency, initiative and purpose.
  • Actions appear autonomous but are incongruous to situations.
  • Rather than keeping with the conversation, repeats the same things over and over and over.

You know someone like that? Oh, really? Told you.

Talking to the Dead

Maybe a seance would be easier, but this person is only brain dead… and selectively deaf. While you speak, the internal translator is morphing your words into a statement supporting the drama du jour or du vie, depending on the zombie.

Walking with the Dead

Whether collegiate or corporate, the zombie is truly going through the motions. Zombies do not do anything of their own volition. Likewise, they will not assist you in pursuits, even when such pursuits are in their own best interest. Often, zombies will do things in direct opposition to their best interest because it is what they have always done.

Listening to the Dead

While the mantra of “Braaains” is the only one used in polite conversation and movies, you likely have heard hundreds of mantras. Any of these ring a bell?

 

  • He is such a(n) [insert expletive].
  • If I only had [insert incentive, reward or characteristic], …
  • Yeah, but…
  • If you would have, …
  • Well, the reason I didn’t was [insert someone else’s fault].
  • But she did…

Oh, right, now you know a whole host of zombies, eh?

Cure for Zombies

Gather shotgun, shovel, lime, Gather patience. You may have to approach a subject three dozen times before you find the hole in the zombie’s head where information is actually input. Once you find it, do not turn the information faucet to wide open. Only pour in one piece at a time; the zombie is still brain dead, remember.

Once your zombie hurdles that first piece of information, input the next piece to begin rebuilding the brain. WARNING: This is a slow, often painful process… for you. Zombies are brain dead and have no feelings they have not already expressed to you, which all occurred before brain death.

Cracked Skull

Get away. If your zombie has already cracked your skull and has sucked out a good portion of your brain, you still can survive. Put distance between you. Since zombies are slow, you can build a new plan of attack to cure the zombie before it shuffles up to your door. Meanwhile, block the zombie’s telephone number. Advanced zombies carry cell phones.

zombie kissI married a zombie.

Get help. Whether it is from friends, your family or zombie’s family, you need help. Professional (my personal suggestion), spiritual and/or medical help are the most effective. If one method does not work, choose another avenue. All zombies have a secret desire to be cured.

Pass the Zombie

After you have exhausted all of your avenues, simply introduce the zombie to someone new. The smell of fresh brains will lure the zombie to shuffle away.

How many zombies do you know? Have you cured a zombie? Share your recipe for success (or disaster).

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© Red Dwyer 2011
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57 Comments

  1. To think I used to work for a Zombie – he had no thoughts of his own, but was good at feeding off his staff and ripping them off…

    God Bless!

    Prenin.

    Reply
  2. bear

     /  December 22, 2011

    Grant, I know a special place where zombies can’t get to you. I would tell you, but then I would have to kill you, then the whole zombie thing happens and then I can’t kill you cause your already dead…vicious circle.

    I personaly like the shovel, lime and duct tape method, but fear when I hit a zombie on the noggin nothing happens cause, guess what… the brain pan is e m p t y. Lime is good cause it acts as Axe b.o. juice and other zombies are attracted to that and may lure a zombie away from you.

    Ok confession time…I too have been a zombie (OHHHHHH NOOOOO wispers the masses). I know its hard to believe, but yes, it’s true. But I was cured with a reality check. It taught me plenty of reasons to listen and stop talking. You have to want to be cured, but as I have found most of the zombies in my life haven’t a clue. Good post RED. I must go now. I have 2 fighter jets circling my house. I fear they know my past and are about to take me out.

    Reply
    • *giggles* Not to worry about the planes…they have already been to my house and not blown anything up…recon. Lime. Lime is good. *giggles again* Red.

      Reply
  3. There have always been zombies among us. Hell, I’ve played for audiences comprised of Mostly zombies on several occasions over the years. After a show filled with members of the walking dead we run for our lives… brains intact. Mic cords whipping behind us.
    After grabbing the check from the club manager of course. We usually send the drummer since they don’t tend to attract much attention from the brain seekers.

    Reply
  4. My daughter says that drummers are always the “least attractive members” in bands, but zombies? Mhm 😉

    Reply
    • Wow! I never knew there was that much prejudice against drummers…*idly wonders if she should discourage Little V’s budding drumming career*

      Reply
  5. I did a bit of amdram and played a character called ‘Prez’ in a show named the ‘Pyjama Game’, I had to wear glasses that were thick and so scratched I couldn’t see beyond the stage. The venue and group I performed with was new to me so I didn’t know the audience at all. On the 3rd night I took the glasses off to wipe some sweat from my brow only to find a handful in the audience and most of them zombiefied; I didn’t take the glasses off for the rest of the week I can tell you.

    Reply
  6. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
    Homeless!
    -just a note Red: there are more jokes about drummers and bassists than any other musicians. Better prepare V -grin-

    Reply
  7. So many mean things about drummers…yet, my husband is a drummer, my youngest son is a drummer and now my grandson is beating those skins. What does that say about me…oh my

    Reply
  8. In all fairness (being a pianist) I’ll throw in my fave piano/guitar joke:
    How do you get the piano player to play softer?
    Take away their sheet music
    How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
    Give them sheet music.

    Reply
  9. No, Rachael, there are more jokes about accordion players.

    Sign above St. Peter’s Pearly Gate: Bring your harp.
    Sign above Satan’s gate to hell: Polka lessons. Bring your accordion.

    Reply
  10. Just spit Cabernet on the keyboard! No worries, it was box wine heh

    Reply
    • I think I should be insulted. Box wine for such a fine blog? ROFL!! Glad you got a giggle 😉

      Reply

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