You have the wrong number.

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Bell South. How may I help you?

Over the course of the last five years, I have gotten more than a few dozen wrong numbers dialed to me at all hours of the day and night. Between looking for cars for sale or miscreant children, the callers were mostly apologetic for assuming my name was Sean or Camisha or Paul, who I believe has no idea what his telephone number really is…since he routinely gives out mine.

I began to realize a trend which resembles the wrong numbers on my telephone in my spam filter. There are a number of spam mails which were erroneously sent to me. I need to return them to their rightful owners.

Grammar Nazi

Grammar Nazi

The Official Badge

If you have been in the audience long enough, you have already been introduced to one of my long term titles: Grammar Nazi. This is not a singular title, but rather, one I share with many other self-described curmudgeons around the blogosphere.

When I got the following spam hatemail, I was not certain it had been misdelivered to M3:

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.”

It had attached itself to Saturday Evening Post ~ Rain Delay. I thought for a moment I had finally received the mother of all spam…a snarky bot. To be fair, I opened it *hangs head* before I realized it was not for me. Alas, my discovery was merely pyrite.

Why am I certain it was misdelivered? It originated from a blog claiming to be the authority on formal email. (Go ahead. Scratch your head.) Here is a very small excerpt from the blog designed to make your email etiquette compliant and grammatically formal:

E-mail to send us either a daily reality – we send them both for work purposes, and private. Ever, the most important means of communication was a handwritten letter, was strict etiquette and conditions, and what to write. The Internet and e-mail, although quite a new phenomenon, however, requires a certain label be followed.”

Before my eyes bleed any more, I am forwarding this to Rogers at The Writing Rag for dissection, parse and the penultimate in editing.

No Photos, Please

No Photos

No photos, no autographs.

There is no ego stroking quite as sublime as having someone come up to you and ask for your autograph. Normally, before I sign one, I ask from where the person knows me. It is the only way I know which name to sign on the card. Unlike my daughter, who was a dead ringer for Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap era, I have been mistaken for a range of celebrities and twice identified as myself.

The next best thing is to have a caller who wants to recognize your fame. When this spam bot came to call, I would have thought nothing of it had it been attached to I have been mugged., where celebrity was revealed. The note attached to A Meat Alternative (The irony was not lost on me at all.) read:

I don’t even know the way I ended up here, but I believed this put up was great. I don’t realize who you’re but definitely you are going to a well-known blogger in the event you aren’t already. Cheers!”

Now, trying to figure out to whom this spam should have been delivered left me in quite a quandary. Should I send it to an aspiring blogger or a famous blogger? I cloned it and sent it to both No Throw Aways and Traffic Generation Café.

Oh. My.

Preferably Alive, With Photos

We have jested at length about M3 being a porn site and an escort service and my own personal hunting ground. We have laughed at Horny Hots and assorted porn spammers. I get more than my fair share of inane email and online gawkers on social media. Every once in a while I get an inbox Lothario, but I am convinced this next spammer was directed to the wrong blog.

Dave (Yes, he signed his name.) is looking for someone. Well, to be more accurate, I think he is looking for a full squadron of people women. His request spam specifically states no dudes. Apparently, he is a charitable, environmentally-conscious pervert man because the website he linked in his love letter solicitation spam was to a very large, green charity.

Yes, by the time I was half way through the wretchedly misspelt abomination spam, I needed a steam cleaner an old-fashioned brush car wash a shower. In all honesty, I am not certain to whom to send this one. You see, he was not totally specific (and some of the spelling left me questioning his intent and interests). So, if you are one of the following, please let me know, so I can forward Dave’s misdirected email to you. Here are some (<that is the operative word) of his requirements:

  • discrete married , bi, courios ddfree, neg, for bubble butt bottom.
  • do not care what size race or crede
  • “FWB”
  • a petite girl 18 35
  • Please no men, only other ts or woman.
  • No dudes,camgirl, or spam

If you respond, remember: He needs you to supply your telephone number and a picture (or a few), so he knows you are real, under the subject line…Me So Horny. And he will gladly help you out with $100 per visit for your rent “our light bill” or any other utility. Did I mention he is honst and careing? Oh, and he is a 53-year-old virgin. So, it probably is not of concern he is a bottom looking for a bottom.

If you are shy, you can inbox me for all the details. You all know after Karla and Kursad I have the new ulterior motive of making love connections for all my non-hooked up M3 Readers, hatemailers and spammers. Please, step up and claim your misdelivered spam mail.

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I hope you are having a real meat day! So, I have to know…Do vegetarians and vegans get spam, too?

~~~~~~~~~~


(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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33 Comments

  1. While your list is hilarious, I still think I’ve gotten the two best spams ever:
    -User1 “I am the greatest user in the world!” (no link)
    -PornBeer – and a link. Best spam name ever. Yes, for just a moment, I thought “well this could be fun…”

    Reply
    • Porn Beer is a regular visitor, which I have to scratch my head…as far as I know beer only appears in the comments…need to search to be sure. I love the first one though!

      Reply
      • Sadly, most of my spam is observations on how horribly I use SEO, and philosophical ramblings on how my questions are well asked, but poorly researched, and really, I should consider adding other viewpoints. Those turn up on my Friday Foolishness polls.

        I like them just for the tortured English. (I had never known it was possible to waterboard an entire language!)

        Reply
        • ROFL! I love the ones which are 3-500 words long compliments of Google Translate. You know what they say, we write the way we speak. *shudder*

          Reply
  2. Sounds like a keeper! 🙂

    Or maybe HE needs a keeper… 😉

    a 53 year old virgin – given his spelling and grammar I think we can see why…

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

    Reply
  3. WOW I need a shower, a 53 year old virgin? Somewhere out there is a sheep with his name on it, and remember, Dave, there never will be another……………..ewe. baaaaaaad!

    Reply
  4. Me so horny….lmao…Red, you kill me. 😛

    Reply
    • The first time you are around for a Friday Follies (or just click the tag), you will see I own the absolute stupidest inbox on the Internet. 😉

      Reply
  5. I wonder if he trade work for a top? My husband says my greatest assets (besides my brain) is my twins and my bubble but. Remember I am looking for Alice…the maid that is.

    Reply
    • I will run his stats to your inbox immediately. Although, he did not send me pix, so I am not sure how he would look in a French maid get up.

      Reply
  6. Wow, Red; you’ve got quite a way to express yourself – one of a kind to say the least, and I love it!

    Reply
    • Glad you could stop by, Ana. We take a detour from the psychology and poetry every once in a while to enjoy the snarkier things in life 😉
      Red.

      Reply
  7. Wow, I am once again honored by your generosity. I direct all my spam to you, so I guess it works out for everyone. I love the “you’re” that is classic. Those spam bots are getting so smart.

    Reply
    • ROFL! So glad to help out there, Derek! I am always astounded they can use apostrophes. 😉

      Reply
  8. His ranting and spelling makes me wonder if he is a) a self-professed professional writer, and/or b) in the thinking that using prostitutes doesn’t count as sex?

    Reply
    • He probably does not think it counts, but based on his …ad?… I do not think he has managed to pay for it…

      Reply
  9. authormjlogan

     /  February 21, 2012

    To answer your question, the vegan/vegetarian Spam is made up entirely from reprocessed beans to ensure it is filled with plenty of hot air.

    Reply
  10. I inadvertently wrote spam mail once. I wrote ad copy for a company offering time shares in the Bahamas. Little did I know that over the course of two months, I received unsolicited e-mail containing the ad I wrote 15 times. The company never paid me. Lesson learned.

    Reply

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