Animal Incarnations

It is time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere…not only because it is time for Friday Follies, but also because there is no room in it for any more hatemail! M3 is not responsible for computer screens which have been spat upon, so put your drink out of reach and snuggle in for a few laughs.

If you were tuned in last week, you know there were a couple (at the time of post…but…) which did not make it in under the buzzer. Let’s get them and the honorable mentions out of the way first.

Spambot Honorable Mention

Typical, this posts are cloudy.

This week held a host of bots griping about my failure to please the search engines gods. Eh, pft. The Russians were in rare form…spamming me with more than 18,000 words (more than I wrote this week). I got a 250 word gibberish which looked a lot like this one:

Today is ethical poorly, isn’t it?”

Where did I lost my ethics? I did not. Mantra did.

History Lesson

I have been an on-again-off-again student of history for as long as I can remember. Why? I am a pragmatist. Why in the world would I attempt to reinvent the wheel at my pay grade? If I can learn something from the past to make the road smoother…break out the references.

Enter latecomer number one. Philip hatemails from Oregon to tell me a thing or two about history. See if you can follow.

You are just trying to confuse people. Why would you say Copernicus thought the world was round? First off, Columbus was the one who found out the world was round. Second, he learned it from Leonardo da Vinci. If you are going to use history as an example, learn some first.”

Well, how about that? The peals of laughter subsided, only for me to read it again and laugh until my sides hurt. Since there was absolutely no way for me to validate his theory, yes, this one got a response:

Dear Philip,

It occurs to me you must be a history professor. I find teachers such interesting resources. After a bit of research to shore my dates, I have to admit, your theory is astounding. Leonardo da Vinci and Cristobal Colombo did not speak the same language and only lived in the same country for less than nine years while each was a child. Although they were contemporaries, there is no intimation the two ever met. 

As Copernico was significantly younger than both of them and far removed from western Europe, and neither of them were convinced during their lifetimes the world was indeed not flat, I would love to know your source. I have no doubt it should be good, since Copernico did not publish his heliocentric theory in 1543 (the year he died), more than 30 years after the death of both Columbus (1506) and da Vinci (1519).

Did you get divine providence on which you base your opinion? I did not realize seances worked in reverse.

Ugh. Some people.

Horns and Hooves

Latecomer Number Two: Gwen hatemails to tell me I am demonic. In what was no grand surprise, W is for Wisdom met with a large amount of resistance. However, the hatemail from Indiana takes this week’s cake.

You have to be the evillest person alive. People are blessed with families. Do you know how many people who have to grow up with no families? All those foster and adopted children just wish they had families. How can you tell people to throw away relations with their family? You only get ONE family. You have to love them because they love you. So many people would love to have a family and can’t. How sick of you to tell people to throw that all away because you cannot get along.”

The absolute evillest.

Shaking my head made me dizzier than the medications the hospital sent me home to take, but I was not so dizzy I could not concentrate on my left horn and pen a response, whilst I tapped a cloven hoof on the floor. Want to see what I sent this matriarchal maven?

Oh, Gwen, you must have the most beautiful family. You better cherish them. I feel certain in the world of dysfunction you and your family must be the lighthouse for which we all should set sail.

Would you consider a speaking position? I work with a number of adoption and foster agencies. I am sure they would be interested in your sharing the vision that being separated from birth family is the end of one’s emotional existence.

Incidentally, what is it exactly your children call their stepfather?

Yeah, one daddy is enough, eh? I sure know I do not want another one of her.

Hatemail for Bear

Did I mention big claws and sharp teeth?

Unlike the loving and supportive comments left on Until Further Notice, Malcolm’s hatemail was inadvertently emailed to me. Pesky part of the contact form, it emails me. (Be glad your email addresses are not available on your comments.) Poison-penning from Texas, he had a problem with Bear after the fact. Observe.

If you were half the man she made you out to be you would have made sure she never came back. Cant you get her to shut the [expletive] up once in a while? All this [expletive] about mental disease. Is she trying to cure herself?”

Let’s get interactive, shall we?

She knows more about this that you could ever imagine. I learned a long time ago it is easier to nod and pretend I give a crap. Who knows? Maybe after a thousand posts she will be tired of it. Meanwhile, check out her videos. I am sure they will be more your speed. http://goo.ey5eXxX   Bear

~~~~~

Since you managed to find my inbox and not Bear’s, I shall forward your alleged observations and opinions to him. However, I feel obliged to inform you, your superiority complex is belied by your lack of command of the English language. While I am assuming you are not an illegal alien living in Texas, which may be a stretch, it is my understanding Texas schools still teach English grammar and spelling.

~~~~~

I am so glad Bear did not get this. I will keep it a secret between you and I. Do you think you could come here? I would love to get out of here, and I loved when I lived in Texas. See, it is not that I mind being here, but the weekends bite. The shackles are only fun for so long. And I do shut up occasionally …but only for really special rewards. 😉

~~~~~

So, which one will it be? One, two or three?

Avatars

Apparently, there are many who were not privy to the post where the mermaid first showed her fins. It seems, once again, there are those who have a problem with the pictures in the posts. Notably, Will had a problem with my use of Robert Waterhouse’s The Mermaid in Knightly. Hatemailing from Suffolk, he is certain it is all about me.

My real portrait

You relaly got to get over yourself. What do you think this world is? Its not Cammalot for sure. If you are looking for some knight to take you away, you gotta stop being a fish. Men dont like cold womens. Everybody knows all those avatars are all doctored. maybe if you were showing what you really looked like instead a hiding somebody would rescue you so you can stop with the peotry [expletive].”

But Will was not alone. Apparently, Peter had a similar problem. Hatemailing from California, his complaint is similar.

What is with the damsel in distress routine? Not as almighty as you let on are you? Stop pretending to know it all and maybe, just maybe, someone will come along and fix the [expletive] up [expetive] in your life. Or is your avatar right and you are a col fish?”

I felt more like the ginger demon when I responded. I cheated. They got the same response.

Since you apparently failed Poem Reading 101, let me let you in on a secret. When you read poetry at M3 and have no idea what it means, wait for others to comment. People who read poetry all the time respond intelligently, and we discuss the poem together. On the rare occasions when the original meaning is not bared in the comments, a post follows in a few days to elucidate.

Incidentally, hatemail like yours warrants another incarnation for animagas in me, not the serene mermaid which I normally embody.

I bite. Do not tempt it. I may have missed a shot or three.

~~~~~~~~~~

I hope your week has been free of hatemail, family, demons, flat land and bad dogs (or fish as the case may be). Which response shall we send to Malcolm?

Until next week, I hope you have enjoyed the 23rd edition of the Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere.

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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