It is Friday night and time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere for Friday Follies! Do you have a pair of handcuffs? We are going to need those. You can keep the key. We will not need it. Before we go any further, we need to recognize two lovely ladies who frequent M3. The mistresses of Articles of Absurdity and Yo-Yo Dyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Division have both been constant followers of the Friday Follies. Both of these brilliant women noted, numerous times, the hatemailers must either love M3 or really be followers, albeit clandestine ones. Tonight’s first folly goes out to the two of them.
After last Saturday Evening Post, I have gotten some heartfelt worried emails about my health and the kiddles, but I got one which was heartfelt in a heart squeezed in a vice kind of way. A California man going by the name Ken pecked at the poison keyboard to send me this gem of a hatemail:
It is about [expletive] time!!! You are such a [expletive]. Who give a flying [expletive] why you are doing it? Do you think any [expletive] body reads all that [expletive X 2] you write? You shoulda cut back before you [expletive] started posting 8 blogs a [expletive] day. I cant [expletive] believe you are writing a [expletive] book! What is it? a comic book? o, it cant be a comic book…you arent [expletive] funny!”
He would [expletive] on about how Bearman had robbed a legitimate mugger of a perfect opportunity to put all of my readers out of their misery and how [expletive] little I know about everything. So, what, dearest M3 Readers, did I write back to him?
I thought I should tell you K-E-N is not the way to spell “Mark”. The Modesto Police were kind enough to correct your spelling for me. I know that unfortunate incident in college probably left you a bit shaken, so I will chalk it up to your PTSD and not your attempt at anonymity in your veiled death threat. Oh, the MPD say they are not likely to be as kind the next time they encounter you at the liquor store on McHenry Avenue. May want to watch your behavior!”
Note: The names were only changed by the guilty.
There are some hatemailers I have to tip my hat to when they have obviously read a post from stem to stern. Then, we have someone like Kaitlyn from New York…I am guessing upstate…way upstate. I will admit the title Middle School Mating Rituals, in the hands of the less scrupulous, may well be suggestive. Who would have guessed I am pure of mind as I write posts? Fact remains, until the following folly, it never occurred to me the pervs would crawl all over this one.
Which one is it? Are you watching the little kids doing it or are you teaching them to defile their bodies? Don’t you know formication is a sin? Maybe you are one of those sickos who thinks it is OK to have sex with little boys and girls. People like you should be kicked off of the intranet. You know they have laws against that in my country.”
When I picked myself up off the floor and wiped the tears from my eyes the second time, I put on my sweetest smile and penned the following:
Which one of the 12 commandments is formication? I tried to find it on the bible sites, but I just got “Search term not found”. I am so glad you live in a different country from me. Sounds like the laws there are much harsher than the United States. My government does not prosecute puppy love between middle school students. I hope they never hear of your country’s laws. With that New World Order thing, the US just may adopt those sorts of laws.”
I wonder how long I would have to naturalize? (Writes note to self to tell funny New York story in some random Saturday Evening Post.)
Some of the things I have done in my lifetime have left many people shaking their heads. The most common question I am asked is How do you do it? I normally flip a response which translates to one step at a time. Our next hatemail is one which put the question in the form of a statement. Robert is from Colorado. I have to venture the guess: His air is thin. (No, that is not a bald joke…Read it right.) Reading Who is Driving This Flying Circus? put him in quite a tizzy. Observe.
There is no way you have toddlers and teenagers. No one can have children for that long. Unless you are adopting or are a mutant like that Dugger woman. Reading some of the trash you write you probably are some preggo who doesn’t have anything else to do but spew garbage on the internet.”
He went on to postulate I worked in a daycare if my colleagues acted like toddlers or teens. Then, he theorized I must be in the throes of dementia or Alzheimer’s to think this way. Not sure, exactly, how that strengthens his pregnant theory. Since this is a late addition to the Friday Follies, what do you think I should send him as a response?
Our next folly comes from Taiwan. Chan is a non-Bear-believer. You may recall from the 13th edition of Friday Follies: Kursad was convinced Bear was a fig newton of my imagination. Chan must be his twin sister separated at birth. From Mantra’s version of the alphabet, she penned this winning hatemail, compliments of Google Translate, since my Mandarin leaves a lot to be desired:
Not write alphabet from not have enough symbols. Not find you man what do this walk on hands. How man born from egg? Poem ugly. Not write more. Not have man what be this on you.”
I sincerely hope Google translate does not butcher what I sent back…or do I? (Sinister grin.)
Write I next time under Mandarin what read you on Bear. Lucky my find the Bear what can this walk on hands. Not born Bear from egg…Is Bear egg. Have Bear me beside. On me Bear your business of none. Zài jiàn!”
Perhaps, I should start writing for all the Indian spam bots. Shall we put it to a poll?
I hope your week has been hatemail, teenager/toddler, formication and stalker free! Hopefully, you do not need Google Translate to get the message through! Until next week’s edition of Friday Follies, have a wonderful week!
Psst! What should I tell Robert?