• In Case You Missed One

  • What’s in it for you?

    Custom Search
  • Get Published in 2016

    Submit your book proposal today! Submit your book proposal today!
  • Register Today!

  • Why Take The Chance At Missing One?

    Put in your email address to find out when a new post goes live on The M3 Blog!

    Join 266 other subscribers

  • What’s the buzz?

  • RSS for any Reader

    I heart FeedBurner

    FBFPowered by ®Google Feedburner

  • Like Red Dwyer on Facebook

    Red Dwyer - Author

    I want one for my trail! ... See MoreSee Less

    Please say something about this PHOTO. Nice job Share Share !

    View on Facebook

    A new way to look at an old favorite. ... See MoreSee Less

    Probably the coolest thing I've ever seen

    View on Facebook

    Would you be able to play on it? I want to try! ... See MoreSee Less

    The table is nice. It's from Obscura Digital!

    View on Facebook
  • Like the 5,000 page

  • Helping Keep the Power On

  • And Now For Something Completely Different.

  • Patriots & Ex-Pats

    Free counters!

Busted

Welcome to M3 Friday Follies!

It is Friday night and time to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere for Friday Follies! Do you have a pair of handcuffs? We are going to need those. You can keep the key. We will not need it. Before we go any further, we need to recognize two lovely ladies who frequent M3. The mistresses of Articles of Absurdity and Yo-Yo Dyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Division have both been constant followers of the Friday Follies. Both of these brilliant women noted, numerous times, the hatemailers must either love M3 or really be followers, albeit clandestine ones. Tonight’s first folly goes out to the two of them.

Busted

After last Saturday Evening Post, I have gotten some heartfelt worried emails about my health and the kiddles, but I got one which was heartfelt in a heart squeezed in a vice kind of way. A California man going by the name Ken pecked at the poison keyboard to send me this gem of a hatemail:

[expletive]

Wow! Such colorful language.

It is about [expletive] time!!! You are such a [expletive]. Who give a flying [expletive] why you are doing it? Do you think any [expletive] body reads all that [expletive X 2] you write? You shoulda cut back before you [expletive] started posting 8 blogs a [expletive] day. I cant [expletive] believe you are writing a [expletive] book! What is it? a comic book? o, it cant be a comic book…you arent [expletive] funny!”

He would [expletive] on about how Bearman had robbed a legitimate mugger of a perfect opportunity to put all of my readers out of their misery and how [expletive] little I know about everything. So, what, dearest M3 Readers, did I write back to him?

Dear Mark,

Handcuffs

Pretty Bracelets

I thought I should tell you K-E-N is not the way to spell “Mark”. The Modesto Police were kind enough to correct your spelling for me. I know that unfortunate incident in college probably left you a bit shaken, so I will chalk it up to your PTSD and not your attempt at anonymity in your veiled death threat. Oh, the MPD say they are not likely to be as kind the next time they encounter you at the liquor store on McHenry Avenue. May want to watch your behavior!”

Note: The names were only changed by the guilty.

Deviant

There are some hatemailers I have to tip my hat to when they have obviously read a post from stem to stern. Then, we have someone like Kaitlyn from New York…I am guessing upstate…way upstate. I will admit the title Middle School Mating Rituals, in the hands of the less scrupulous, may well be suggestive. Who would have guessed am pure of mind as I write posts? Fact remains, until the following folly, it never occurred to me the pervs would crawl all over this one.

The Sovereign New York

The Sovereign New York

Which one is it? Are you watching the little kids doing it or are you teaching them to defile their bodies? Don’t you know formication is a sin? Maybe you are one of those sickos who thinks it is OK to have sex with little boys and girls. People like you should be kicked off of the intranet. You know they have laws against that in my country.”

When I picked myself up off the floor and wiped the tears from my eyes the second time, I put on my sweetest smile and penned the following:

Which one of the 12 commandments is formication? I tried to find it on the bible sites, but I just got “Search term not found”. I am so glad you live in a different country from me. Sounds like the laws there are much harsher than the United States. My government does not prosecute puppy love between middle school students. I hope they never hear of your country’s laws. With that New World Order thing, the US just may adopt those sorts of laws.”

I wonder how long I would have to naturalize? (Writes note to self to tell funny New York story in some random Saturday Evening Post.)

Impossible

Some of the things I have done in my lifetime have left many people shaking their heads. The most common question I am asked is How do you do it? I normally flip a response which translates to one step at a time. Our next hatemail is one which put the question in the form of a statement. Robert is from Colorado. I have to venture the guess: His air is thin. (No, that is not a bald joke…Read it right.) Reading Who is Driving This Flying Circus? put him in quite a tizzy. Observe.

Expecting again?

There is no way you have toddlers and teenagers. No one can have children for that long. Unless you are adopting or are a mutant like that Dugger woman. Reading some of the trash you write you probably are some preggo who doesn’t have anything else to do but spew garbage on the internet.”

He went on to postulate I worked in a daycare if my colleagues acted like toddlers or teens. Then, he theorized I must be in the throes of dementia or Alzheimer’s to think this way. Not sure, exactly, how that strengthens his pregnant theory. Since this is a late addition to the Friday Follies, what do you think I should send him as a response?

Revolting

Mandarin "no"

No.

Our next folly comes from Taiwan. Chan is a non-Bear-believer. You may recall from the 13th edition of Friday Follies: Kursad was convinced Bear was a fig newton of my imagination. Chan must be his twin sister separated at birth. From Mantra’s version of the alphabet, she penned this winning hatemail, compliments of Google Translate, since my Mandarin leaves a lot to be desired:

Not write alphabet from not have enough symbols. Not find you man what do this walk on hands. How man born from egg? Poem ugly. Not write more. Not have man what be this on you.”

I sincerely hope Google translate does not butcher what I sent back…or do I? (Sinister grin.)

Write I next time under Mandarin what read you on Bear. Lucky my find the Bear what can this walk on hands. Not born Bear from egg…Is Bear egg. Have Bear me beside. On me Bear your business of none. Zài jiàn!”

Perhaps, I should start writing for all the Indian spam bots. Shall we put it to a poll?

~~~~~~~~~~

I hope your week has been hatemail, teenager/toddler, formication and stalker free! Hopefully, you do not need Google Translate to get the message through! Until next week’s edition of Friday Follies, have a wonderful week!

Psst! What should I tell Robert?

~~~~~~~~~~

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
Reblogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters is expressly forbidden.
Copyright Policy available in The Office. 



Spread the Love!

Pinterest



You know you want to share!


  • Add to favorites
  • Email
  • RSS
  • Tumblr
Content Protection by DMCA.com
Previous Post
Leave a comment

70 Comments

  1. Ha! I’ve been away for a few weeks, and I see that I’ve much catching up to do based on the hate mail alone! I’ll be clicking away later this weekend. See you later!

    Reply
    • Thanx for stopping by, Phil. Hope you have had a nap after the trip to the airport.
      Red.

      Reply
  2. In the beginning was the word. Thank God (or whoever) for the wonderful delete key. Bye, flush, swirl away…..

    John

    Reply
  3. How come you get all the hate mail? Boy you really seem to reel them in. I’ve never had a single one. If anybody reads this please visit my site & if it really annoys you please send me some hate mail.

    Reply
    • LOL! I get loads. Some weeks, more hatemail than fan mail. But not a single week has passed without at least a dozen.

      Reply
  4. Sincerely and without sarcasm, I’m glad you get these emails.
    Because if these people didn’t have you to occupy their time, I’m pretty sure they’d all show up on my morning commute.

    So thank you for isolating this specific segment of the population!

    Reply
    • LOL! I know. I really am a public servant. Makes me wonder when I will be fully vested. I would love to retire! Well, again.

      Reply
  5. Holy -expletive- s**t Red! I was wiping tears from my eyes after reading these posts. You clearly are a pedophile. lying, egg-stealing, illiterate, Walks With Bear psycho.
    Want to thank you for the shout out XD.
    Haven’t read emails this damned funny since my Ouija site was active.
    Holy crap and these were posts by readers who weren’t spewing about Satan.
    Hmmmmm or maybe they are. Your name is Red. You speak of perversion. Coincidence?????
    ~Some Reno Acolyte

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 14, 2012

      This batch of wackos was completely noteworthy! I think I may need a new Ouija board to alert me when they are coming to call.

      Hey, now. Don’t go spreading that egg-stealing thing. Someone may get the right idea 😉
      Red.

      Reply
  1. Who’s hungry? « Momma's Money Matters

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

Pinterest
EmailEmail
PrintPrint