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Car 54, where are you?

Thank the stars! It is Friday. Not that that really means much to someone who posts every stinking day, but it does mean it is time for Friday Follies. Are you ready to open the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere? Get out your polishing cloths because there are some real gems!

I am calling the police!”

Oh, please. Our first genius comes from Ohio. He apparently is going to save Kershaw. Apparently, he did not look it up on Google Earth to see it is truly four miles past the point where all hope is lost. He is, however, deeply concerned after reading for a few days. His reactions are to the Saturday Evening Post and Fire Reflex. Observe:

What kind of homocidal maniac are you? If you cant kill somebody you are going to burn the town to the ground. I am going to goggle that plave where you live and call somebody to stop you.”

She is armed and dangerous. She is the one holding the emery board.

Really, Jake? I can promise you Kershaw is not underwater…I live on a mountain. Every badge in the county knows where my house is. Let’s see what I penned to him and a few other people:

Dear Jake,

In anticipation of your 911 call, I am copying the Bloomington Police and the sheriffs in and for the appropriate counties in South Carolina on this response. I thought I would help you spread the word.

1. I have never harbored any ill will for homosexuals.

2. I have never threatened to kill nor killed anyone, even with provocation. Although, I routinely jest with my children they will not see their next birthdays. I have been assured by attorneys and law enforcement this will in no way be construed as a factor for premeditation.

3. There are no arsons currently under investigation in my area, and I have an alibi for the one which was committed in Lee county.

4. I would suggest if you are going to use goggles, please properly attach a snorkel to the mask, as the lack of oxygen to your brain has caused irreparable damage which you would not want to exacerbate.

You can imagine the dispatchers cackling over this one. Tax dollars hard at work.

Bunch of Saps”

I normally do not print the Friday Follies which directly insult the M3 Readers, but Carl just really got to me. He is a late addition to the 16th edition. It seems in Oregon, they read different things into poetry than, well, anyone. He hatemails about Poured Out today to tell you who commented you got it wrong.

Which one are you?

What is wrong with that bunch of saps you got reading here? That poem isnt about someone else being selfish. She is a control freak. She is only pissy because she cant have it her way all the time. Maybe if she was keeping secrets better they wouldnt a all left.”

Now, I have been reading poetry and getting something out of it for a very long time. And as we learned from Misti, there are many answers. I am loathe to say there are no wrong answers because I am pretty certain Carl is a couple bubbles off of level with his answer.

After I quit shaking my head, I decided to write him back a quick note:

How clever of you to pick up on that. You obviously have been with a man who is very controlling. You must know about how you need to keep secrets to manipulate him into believing it is all his idea so you can get him to do what you want him to do. Maybe you have a few pointers?

And just for the record…there are no typos in my response.

Pathological”

My guess is she is the one who rated it only one star…The Saturday Evening Post led Margaret to last week’s desolate Talk Tuesday. From there, her path is much harder to follow. She read at least the last few paragraphs, but this is what she got out of it.

You couldn’t tell the truth no matter what. If you lied to your parents, you would lie to anyone. Why would you hide things from your husband? He’s probly the only person who does love you. Of course you have a double standard! Your husband tells you everything. How does he stay married to a pathological liar?”

So, dearest M3 Readers, what do you think I did with this one? Once I quit laughing, I put my horns and hooves on the grinding wheel until they were sharp and hot.

Dear Margaret,

My husband does know everything now. The medium said the seance was a complete success. He forgives me for not telling him I was really a man before we met, and I had adopted the children after faking my pregnancies so he would not find out my deepest darkest secret.

Listen closely. Keep your eyes closed! Hands on the table.

Do you think she will admonish anyone else?

~~~~~~~~~~

I hope your week has been sap, police, pathology and hatemail free. See you next week for another edition of Friday Follies from the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere!

~~~~~~~~~~

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
Reblogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters is expressly forbidden.
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23 Comments

  1. You get the MOST interesting mail Red. Must keep you in stitches. It’s really scary to think that there are people in this world, walking among us no doubt, who are as stupid and clueless as the ones who send you hate mail.

    I really wish I had your ability to just laugh things off. I got a really nasty review (not a review actually – just nastiness) yesterday and was ready to give up writing…wish you could send me some of your strength by email. 🙂

    I love Friday Follies. Keep up the great work!

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 16, 2012

      I am considering starting a service to respond to hate mail of all varieties. I seem to have a knack for it 😉 Good to see you tonight, Wendy!

      Reply
    • Wendy, never let those idiots spoil your enjoyment on your Space my friend as they are simple minded at best and at worst, well they are just gutter slime and not worth the mention 🙁

      Have a nice evening and weekend now 🙂

      Androgoth

      Reply
  2. I see that the loons are out in force again Red, but never mind as your handling of them is swift and straight to the point.

    I hardly ever get any bad reviews from peeps in WP but I used to have the odd ghoul, I mean the odd fool call into my previous one but after a short exchange they were usually off with their tails between their legs 🙂

    Have a very nice rest of evening and a delightful weekend also, hopefully with lashings of all the things that you love the most 🙂 😉

    Androgoth XXx

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 16, 2012

      I should certainly hope so. I am exhausted from the week and glad to know it is over. I hope your weekend got off to a brilliant start, Andro.
      Red.

      Reply
      • Yes it is the start of my F1 season this weekend and so I am looking forward to watching that 🙂

        Be Good 🙂

        Androgoth XXx

        Reply
  3. Ouch! They sure were extra cruel this week. I have never been called a sap, although I have been called other things. I think I like it. I will think about it. In the mean-time, do you think these e-mailers ever get the irony of their comments? This person who called the readers saps was reading it himself. I would say they should find something else to do, but then we wouldn’t have such wonderful entertainment.

    Reply
    • Just to be clear, there is a typo in my response. 🙂

      Reply
    • Red

       /  March 16, 2012

      Nah, I left the really cruel ones off this week. They were not fit for human consumption. They got a form letter which basically told them which exit to take. And they never do get it. They are the exception to the rule. The reflection they see in the screen is one of a paragon of virtue and loveliness (albeit delivered profanely). You are right about them being entertaining, though!

      Reply
  4. While I always enjoy reading your responses to these $#^&*$%_s, I just don’t get why they bother setting pixel to email.
    Really, isn’t there some inane you tube video or reality show they could be watching instead?

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 16, 2012

      ROFL! I have no idea. I thought the ones with this level of mentality were visual learners only. Good grief, the spelling and atrocious grammar is enough to make my skin crawl. There have been quite a few refer ME to YouTube. Coincidentally, they never email during prime time. Does that say something?

      Reply
  5. Nice to see you are as popular with the brain inhibited as always! 🙂

    You should remember to be careful while arson around – somebody might think you’re a danger to the public! LoL!!!

    Oh yeah – they did! LoL!!!

    Love and huge hugs Red!

    Prenin.

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 17, 2012

      Can you just imagine the look on the operator’s face? “Sir, you are calling from where???”
      {HUGZ}
      Red.

      Reply
  6. Bear

     /  March 17, 2012

    Ok I always, am at the ready. I have a fire extinguisher, a shovel, a bag of lime, oh, and duct tape. This is for when Red snaps and takes aim at the crazies . Second YOU’RE A MAN? Oh, sweet Jesus, I need a shower. Oh, and the seance that was me under the table. Note to self: Check for man parts…….

    Reply
  7. Hehe keep the Friday Follies coming, even on Saturday I laugh at the comments left for you! I was going to write “the readers’ comments” but then I realized they do not really read your posts if they are writing what they do…

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 17, 2012

      Some days, I have to honestly wonder WHAT goes out on the RSS feed. Sheesh. Glad to give you the giggles.

      Reply
  8. I get an odd bunch now and then. I keep getting wierd pingbacks make no sense to where I am linked to.
    Anyway, love your attitude 😉

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 17, 2012

      I get the bizarre pings as well. They are the least of my worries… *curtsies sweetly*

      Reply
  9. Dumbazzes …. really the world is full of them. I find your patience amazing. I don’t have it.

    Reply
    • Red

       /  March 17, 2012

      I think of them as getting out of the clown car. No matter how many are swatted away, more emerge.

      Reply
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