I Married An Abductee.

You wake up one morning with a bleary-eyed squint through the darkness and wonder who that is on the other side of the bed doing the impression of a buzz saw. A couple more blinks and the proverbial light goes on…it is Mate.

Who are you…

As time marches on, we all change. We swear we are exactly the same as we have always been, but as sure as a glance in a full length mirror proves, we are different. Growing up may be optional, but growing old is mandatory.

We outgrow juvenile habits (hopefully) and replace them with others (better ones…again, hopefully). Our behavior becomes more stable and our judgment more sound. We mature and make better decisions for our families. We become…predictable.

…and what have you done with my Mate?

So, why are you convinced your Mate has been abducted by aliens and replaced with the stranger you now find in your bed? All of a sudden you feel like you have no concept who Mate is. Your brain is asea in questions:


  • When did the drawers start appearing on the floor?
  • Who paid the water bill, two months late?
  • When did the bathroom begin to look like a bomb testing facility?
  • How did the catalog company get our last name and telephone number?
  • Has the delivery guy always known my first name?
  • Why are there three cars parked in the drive?
  • Did that ATV really go on the credit card?
  • Why is the freezer full of tater tots and boxed lasagna?

Seems like all the routine which brought security to your world has evaporated along with the well-established character which once inhabited the shell beside you.

Not Off The Hook

Comfy in the Cocoon

You have changed, too. You did not notice it in yourself for the same reason you completely missed it in Mate…it was very gradual. In the ensuing years (decades) after the wedding, the metamorphosis from caterpillar to moth was gradual. These things do not occur overnight. (But if they did, that is another post entirely.)

So, now what?

No, do not call a divorce attorney. Fundamentally, you are still the same people you were when you planned the wedding. Go through the checklist:

  • I still love Mate.
  • Mate still loves me.
  • Our (grand)children are still ours (even if they wish they were the adopted progeny of gypsies).
  • We still live together.

Yes, your life is still intact. Time to rewind.

Identify the Similar

Seeing how they fit.

When you were first learning everything there was to know about Mate and establishing the routines which seem to be absent, you were concentrating on Mate and your compatibility.

You looked at every habit and characteristic like a jigsaw piece and tried to fit it into a matching piece of yours. You found the like colors and similar shapes and turned the piece until the puzzle fit together.

Why does it not fit now?

Just when a sweater get soft and comfortable, it begins to lose its shape. Marriage is the same. We settle into a routine: care for the home and children, work toward the future, simply live and get comfortable. We stop discovering the inner Mate.

Losing that microscopic focus frees up time and energy, but it also lets the marriage sag. How do you get the tautness back in your marriage?

Do it again.

  • Date
  • Engage spontaneity
  • Give little I am thinking about you notes and gifts
  • Dance
  • Send a random I love you text message
  • Kiss for no apparent reason
  • Hold hands
  • Flowers
  • Tell Mate You’re so cute.
  • Call out of the blue
  • Sing

A spoonful of sugar helps.

All those things you did during courtship and the first years of your marriage are just the medicine to shape up. Your marriage will still be just as comfortable, but will be far brighter.

Why wait?

You do not have to wait until Mate seems like a stranger. By doing the little thoughtful things to bring a smile to Mate’s face, you can bypass this entire phase of marriage.


What are some of the special things you and Mate did for one another when you first began? Do you still do them? What other things can you add to the Do It Again list?

© Red Dwyer 2012
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  1. Coincidence: I’m writing about alien abduction right now (different angle though).
    My mum says this article really resonates with her 🙂

  2. Some people are great at hiding who they really are. Some get caught up while talking in their sleep, others while being watched by a private investigator… sometimes, if you’re really in love, you’re in love with who you want that person to be and not who they really are, and when you finally find out who they really are, you get mad, try to change them or leave them. Sometimes, it’s just better to let things slide and stay in love with the person, not who they are.

    • The Mate you are describing is featured in a post from the Divorce series. The best solution is always to keep the discovery happening. As you mature and age, the things you thought you knew are subject to change. Think of it like checking the oil. You know you put it in, but it does not hurt to make sure it did not leak (or burn) all out. Red.

  3. What a coincidence Red! Some aliens replaced my 20 y.o. chick with a 50-something hot cookie when I wasn’t looking. She just sent me an email asking if it was pop-corn night too! We do the same things, only better…. “; )0

    • LOL! Keep doing it, Ray! Little sparks cause big fires 😉 And share some secrets with the newerlyweds in the crowd.

  4. Thought provoking indeed! It’s so easy to drift into that comfortable mode and wake up next to a stranger. Marriage takes work, for sure. Fortunately, some of that work is really fun ;]

  5. Just sent a message to my mate.. thanks for the reminder.

    • I just hope you did not send it by gnome 😉 Welcome to the ward. Drop a link to your blog in the Green Room! Red.

  6. bear

     /  January 7, 2012

    Boredom, the same old thing! How do we get there? Better yet how do we get away from it ? Use your imagination thats how be creative when your mate least expects it do something totally off the wall. That’s how. Like getting a Harley or a boat or placing a camper on a lot, so you have someplace to go together. Oh and watch out for signs of an alien anal probe. They hurt like heck, and you pretty much go brain dead.

    • How did I know I would not escape this post without at least one anal probe reference? Cannot wait for the spam bots to come calling for this post. Perhaps, I can get the aliens to beam them away or blow them up. Mmm. Fire.

  7. Thoughtful indeed! I seem to have come full circle somehow, so sometimes it’s just an exercise in patience and belief when Mate’s habits and the ties that bind you together seem questionable at best.

  8. Hubby works night shift. He would come home and stay up with me for a few hours for some good conversation (wink, wink). We don’t do that anymore, but I also think that he (we) are just too old to survive sleep deprived.

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