Saturday Evening Post

  •  
  •  

This has to be the feature I missed the most during April. We have a lot to cover before we get to Clyde, so grab your cuppa and snuggle in because the fans are blowing away the humidity and the mosquitoes. Here’s hoping it does not rain for a while, as we are going for a walk.

Before I get any further, I have to admit…I have been thinking about this post all week. I had my mind set on what I would be writing by Wednesday. As luck would have it, that train of thought has derailed…there were no survivors.

Instead, I want us to take a short tour. (Each will open in another tab, so you will not lose this page as we walk.) Across the blogosphere, a theme has emerged this week in some of the blogs I visit. Each of them were talking about different instances, but they were all talking about the same thing: Abuse.

The Same, But Different

Over the last few decades, people are treating one another with less respect. For some people, it is about lies and failing to protect. Even when we can understand the explanation, it does not mitigate the damage.

For others, it is betrayal and physical pain. The truism of added insult to injury is a physical altercation with someone you considered a friend, after you find out about the team effort betrayal.

Still others fall prey to the desires of narcissists who cannot see beyond having their perverse fantasies fulfilled.

Then, there are the ones who never walk away from the abuse. Those left behind after their deaths are left to cope with the insanity of it all.

While we never truly understand what makes the abused stay without screaming out to those who dearly love them, or even those whose authority should protect them, we never understand the abusers. None of us want to identify in ourselves the inner demons necessary to survive merely by the pain inflicted on others.

Behind the Curtain

In all of the non-understanding, we have to ask ourselves if we are part of the problem or the solution. The short form to what makes abusers abuse is a single word:

Power

If you have not read the poem, click the link. Skip down to the end of the post. It is the mentality of the abuser (in 51 words). Abusers need the euphoria of being in control, having power over someone else (sometimes many people).

They do not recognize their own bully instincts when they are picking victims who are weaker (children) or not manipulative. Very smart people are abused because they lack the capacity to see manipulation for what it is. Most every person who is abused is in a situation where they seek the love or approval of their abuser. It is why they stay.

But what of contributors?

Parents

You just never know.

The underlying desire of all (marginally functional) parents is to provide better for their children than they had. It is the generational jet fuel which powers innovation. Unchecked, it is also fuel for entitlement.

It is also a battle axe wielded to smash the dreams of grandeur. When parents do not see the potential in their children, whether intentionally or through practicality, they instill in the children feelings of inadequacy which can last a lifetime and become the bequeath to the next generation.

Everyone

When you step back and ask yourself if your message is getting though to your audience, you may just find out you are not conveying the message you thought. In this way, we foster abusers. Think not? Let’s look at a familiar scenario.

Teen has a cell amongst his collection of gadgetry. It is the first edition of the latest model, and it has fallen onto the concrete whilst Teen was horse-playing with friends. No visible damage is evident, but it no longer works.

Our customer service hours are 8:30 to 4:30 Central Standard Time…

Parent calls the telephone provider to get a replacement, despite lack of insurance. Denials are made as to culpability for the non-performing cell. After much manipulation and lying, a new cell is delivered, overnight express for no extra charge.

Teen has learned there are no adverse effects to misbehavior, against which warning issued. Teen also learns to lie to get what he wants.

Teen becomes Twenty-Something and marries. TS sees nothing wrong with using these tactics on Mate. Isn’t that what TS is supposed to do? TS is convincing arguing how everything in the relationship is Mate’s fault. Each victorious argument strengthens TS’ penchant for abuse.

Mate has no knowledge of the lesson Parent (did not realize was) conveyed to TS. Mate feels inadequate in the relationship, endures increasing abuse from TS and eventually begins teaching Child how to please a domineering mate, by example and design.

Quaint asks Mate for the latest news. Mate tells of how Child is not performing up to par. Quaint offers advice on how to demand obedience and command respect. Quaint has no idea what Child is not doing…being submissive to abuse.

Break the Cycle

The cycle is not always about abusers who raise abusers. Sometimes, abusers raise victims, who never have any idea they are victims. All they have ever known was abuse. How do we make a positive difference?

Education

Admittedly, although formal education about and against abuse as a normal function of social studies would be a nirvana scenario, it is unlikely for a plethora of excuses…not the least of which is varying opinions as to what constitutes abuse.

There are simple things you can do to make a difference in abusive situations:

  1. Never be silent. When you see abusive behavior, report it to authorities. If sacrificing a friendship is the cost for saving a life, it is worth it.
  2. Avoid being abusive. Be cognizant of others’ reactions to what you do and say. Consider how you would feel if someone else were doing what you are.
  3. Listen. When a friend tells you of feelings of inadequacy, bullying, violence and/or verbal, sexual or physical abuse, get the facts. Your friend may not know what they are going through is abuse.
  4. Know where to go. Locate a shelter in your area. Periodically, (when you set the clocks back/forward) check to be sure it is still there. Even if you never need it, someone you know might.
  5. Raise awareness. Participate in conversations and events which demonstrate the definitions of abuse.

No, Clyde.

Dearest friends, this message weighs heavily on me. But, that is what the SEP is for…how I affect M3 and how M3 affects me. This week, I expected a lighthearted return to the Saturday Evening Post. Alas, it was not to be.

Where the SEP normally turns abruptly to another subject, this one cannot. It is a subject which requires attention now.

I am going to ask you to take a poll and talk to me about this subject, as it was one which was to follow the Quaint & Mate series. Part of me was grateful for the challenge to have left this subject untouched. After watching the posts in the first section develop and discussions begin, I knew I needed to get with the program and finish a task left undone.

Please enter some of the many forms of abuse I did not list in the poll. If your answer will not fit, refresh the page and add another choice, or comment below with the remainder of your other answer, if you do not mind talking about it publicly. Please forward the poll or the post to anyone you think would give any feedback whatsoever, hatemail included. I know this will generate much of that.

When the series concludes, you will have a better understanding of why I do not broach it often any more.

Until next time,
Red.

~~~~~~~~~~


Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Do you know someone who is currently in an abusive relationship? Have you ever helped break the cycle of abuse?

If you have never met Quaint, Parent, Teen or Child, visit The M3 Players to discover who these people are.

The blogs linked in the first two sections are, in order of appearance:

Swept From Under the Rug
QBG: Tilted Tiara
Aurora Morealist
My Inner Chick
Somkritya

Thank you for sharing your stories.

© Red Dwyer 2012
Re-Blogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters
is expressly forbidden.
Copyright and Privacy Policy available
in The Office. 
Content Protection by DMCA.com
Previous Post
Next Post
Leave a comment

55 Comments

  1. Ah well, I know all the forms.

    Verbal, degradation, insult, belittlement
    Ignoring needs of mate
    Forced or enforced silence
    Forced or enforced isolation
    Placing own needs above needs of mate, always
    Choosing others before mate
    Ignoring all mates requests
    Refusing to talk (silent treatment)

    Physical abuse, direct
    Physical abuse, indirect (withholding affection)

    There is more but those are the highlights.

    This was very good Red. Your links were dead on (yes even mine).

    Val
    valentinelogar recently posted..Opening the Secret BoxMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      You give a good list. I know before I am done, we will travel them all. The indirect forms are the ones we will focus on for the series. Pretty sure everyone knows the blacked eye kind of abuse. The other subtle types are the ones which truly need to come to light. Just because it does not leave a bruise does not ean it does not hurt.

      Reply
  2. I know all the forms of abuse as well, but will refrain from making a list.

    As far as breaking the cycle goes, I wonder what makes some use their childhood as an excuse and what makes others use it as inspiration.

    Mine started in childhood and it continued of course to relationships, but I finally got it together. I never had counseling (wish I did), but I have no answers as to how I did it.

    Parenting: The funny thing is, I did everything for my daughter I wanted as a child, but as an adult she told me she was miserable and hated her life. I made the mistake of giving her what I had wanted, not what she wanted. I don’t mean material things, I mean opportunities, like social activities etc.

    Still, we are close and she is very enlightened. I also do not blame my parents, but simply feel compassion now that they never found love or peace while on earth.
    Alexandra Heep recently posted..A Heep of LoveMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      I have to venture emotional maturity and perspective. Those who are empathetic have the ability to foresee how their actions will affect others…those are the inspired. Those who view themselves in the victim perspective run the risk of forever staying the victim. Historically, victims are treated relatively well (This is arguable in many circumstances.) in comparison to non-victims. It can turn into forever being helpless and in need of time, attention and help. We are going to look at victimology closely.

      Good to see you tonight, Alex.

      Reply
  3. So often the cycle begins as you describe, as a child learning from a parent/mentor/elder/etc and that child takes the lessons into adult life. Teaching someone to be a good human being begins early.

    I once saw the complete opposite of the cell phone scenario (something I’ve witnessed far too often) and it was was refreshing.

    I saw a 3-year-old in a store pick a toy off a shelf. Father says, no you have a toy already. Child puts toy in cart anyway. Father takes other toy and puts it back on shelf. Child picks up toy, and puts it back in cart. Father takes both toys and puts it back on shelf, and tells child that they cannot have both toys and child needs to pick just one.

    Child throws self on floor and descends into tantrum complete with kicking, howling and thrashing (back of coat was filthy afterward).

    Father remained calm, picked up child and put same monster child in cart and walked away. Child, suddenly realizing there were no toys in cart and that the tantrum had failed to accomplish, stopped wailing and wide-eyed, watched the toy aisle disappear into the sunset.

    I kind of liked that guy, although I never met him or talked to him. He handled the situation without being a bully and I’m sure, the next time the child was allowed to select a toy in Walmart, he chose only one.
    MJ Logan recently posted..JD to the Rescue!My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      Oh, have I been there! I have actually written that book. You said it…teaching someone to be a good human being begins early. Where we have to figure out the solution is how to unteach the bad habits once they are learned.

      Reply
  4. As a long-term abuse survivor who lives under the threat of death should he be seen on the street by his father, this is a subject I know well.

    I tried to help a neighbour with her violent and abusive BF and even got the Police involved, but she was so worried what he MIGHT do that she refused mine and the Police’s help.

    She has been moved to a battered woman’s shelter after he beat and raped her…

    Love and hugs.

    Prenin.
    prenin recently posted..Friday – Krazy sleepless night.My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      It is an all too common story, Pren. Helping those who do not want help is impossible. At least you did get the police involved. It helps them show pattern. Unfortunately, that pattern ends permanently by death.
      {HUGZ}
      Red.

      Reply
  5. RED-
    HEY LADY LOVE –
    WOW – I HAVE BEEN SO IGNORANT TO ALL THIS ……………
    THIS POST OF YOURS IS SUCH AN ARROW IN THE HEART .
    HAD NO IDEA ABOUT SOMA ….:(
    I AM GOING TO VISIT THE OTHER WRITERS/ BLOGGERS NOW ….
    ABUSE IS TERRIBLE IN ALL REALMS
    I AM NOT SURE I AM QUITE COMFORTABLE ..YET TO SHARE SOME OF MY STORY ….
    ONE DAY – MAYBE ? …….
    I STRIVE TO LIVE OUT LOUD AND YES SOMETIMES IT’S A BIT OVERWHELMING ……..
    THAT MEANS TO BE AS HONEST AND KIND AS POSSIBLE – NO MATTER HOW HARD THINGS GET……
    ANYWAYS …
    HUGGS TO YOU AND EVERYONE HERE
    XO
    C
    Cat Forsley recently posted..Quieting Down by Cat Forsley ©My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      Cat, when the time comes, your dam will burst, too. I spent a lot of years with Refuse to be a Victim. It is what will keep me afloat during this series. It is the most difficult one I have tackled here.

      Your ability to live above it all is proof positive abuse does not have to bring you to a crumbled end. It is victory in my eyes, and those who have walked the path. {HUGZ} Red. xxx

      Reply
  6. I WILL RED ….
    I WILL WRITE MY STORY ONE DAY ….
    I HAVE MADE UP WITH MY PARENTS FULL ON …I HAD TO
    YOU KNOW WHEN I WAS A CHILD – I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO BE WHO I AM ……..
    PARENTS TOLD NO ONE …..
    SWEPT MY DIS,. UNDER THE CARPET ,,,,,,
    UNTIL I DID BURST IN 2010

    AND THIS IS WHY – I AM WHO I AM NOW ……
    STRONGER ,,,,,,
    I DON’T WANT TO GET INTO IT TOO MUCH – BUT YOU KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH BY NOW XO
    IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT ———-
    I AM BRINGING SOME MUSIC TO YOU ;;;
    STRONGER 🙂
    YEAH AND YEAH STILL BREATHING AND GRATEFUL FOR IT AND EVERY TINY BIT OF LIFE IS A MIRACLE XOXOXOXO
    XOXOXOXOXO
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PstrAfoMKlc&ob=av2n
    Cat Forsley recently posted..Quieting Down by Cat Forsley ©My Profile

    Reply
  7. I DON’T THINK IT’S EVEN REVENGE ….
    IT’S KINDA JUST – SAYING – WELL I HAVE THIS TINE ON EARTH WITH YOU ————- WE CAN LIVE IN DENIAL OR WE CAN TALK AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER – I DON’T LIVE WITH THEM – THEY LIVE IN OTTAWA – I – IN TORONTO –

    SO I GOTTA THANK THEM – CUZ THEY MADE ME ADAPT FASTER THAN FAST …..AND MADE ME STAND UP FOR MYSELF …….:)
    BUT THEY ARE IN THEIR 60’S NOW AND I THINK – LIVE LIKE IT’S OUR LAST DAY – U KNOW ? SO
    I THINK WE WERE PUT ON THIS PLANET TO LEARN FROM ONE ANOTHER AND BE INSPIRED BY EACH OTHER …
    SO – IN THE END – IT’S KINDA MY SUCCESS OF NOT BEING IN DENIAL AND ACCEPTING MYSLEF ,,,,,,,, ALL THE TINY PARTS .
    I JUST READ THAT POST – SUPER GOOD …….
    🙂
    VERY POWERFUL WRITING 🙂
    YOU HAVE MY EMAIL RIGHT – ON THE GRAVATAR THING – IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING – IDEA WISE – I LIKE YOUR SOCIAL ACTIVISM AND AWARENESS – IT’S AWESOME AND VERY UPLIFTING .
    XOXOXO
    HERE IS ONE MORE STRONGER SONG ——- 🙂
    U KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE MUSIC 🙂
    LOL 🙂
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn676-fLq7I&ob=av2e
    XOXOXOXO
    Cat Forsley recently posted..Quieting Down by Cat Forsley ©My Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      I do have your email. We may have to meet up in the inbox, sans the stupid people, and discuss ideas. And I love the music!

      Denial plays a huge role in the cycle. Once you break it, the cycle has a hard time repeating. I say good on you. {HUGZ} Red. xxx

      Reply
  8. I had a girlfriend who went back to her abusive husband of 29 years.

    Unfortunately, she fit the victim mentality. I thought we would be a great support system since we had the same health challenges. I even tried getting her into writing, so she could become financially independent.

    However, she preferred even the company of abusive girl friends, meaning she chose a girl friend who hit her as well over me,who tried to give her opportunities.

    I ended the friendship. Well, she simply stopped returning my calls once she went back to her husband, but what I mean is I let it go.

    I suppose some may see this as non-Christian or whatever, but I figured if 2 years of friendship did not help she did not want to get helped … Yet, I can’t stop thinking about her. I also hate to say it, but I do think in a strange way using the victim status for her was easier.
    Alexandra Heep recently posted..A Heep of LoveMy Profile

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      I do not see it that way, Alex. What I see is the acceptance of the things you cannot change. Some people do not want any help. They are comfortable in their identities as the victim. It is what they know. As painful as it may be, and despite their protestations to the opposite, they are comfortable in them. Fearing the unknown drives many to do some of the most bizarre things. Not the least of which being returning to abusive people to perpetuate the known pattern. She knew what to expect in an abusive relationship. That is where the sadness truly is.

      Reply
  9. Becky C

     /  May 19, 2012

    As a child, my dad used to emotionally & verbally abuse us. Apparently, putting small children down made him feel better. For the longest time, I thought I was the stupidest person to ever inhabit the earth. When I’d ask him a simple question, he’d yell at me. His favorite thing to do was yell at me, and call me names. For the longest time, I thought that was socially acceptable. Then, I grew up & found that that is not how you speak to people, no matter what.

    Due of his “parenting”, I’m terrified of asking a man any sort of question because i feel as if they’ll just berate me. When my sister tells me to go ask her husband a question, I get sick to my stomach and can’t ask him. Won’t ask him. My father & I no longer speak to one another. I’ve grown to be too smart to be a victim of his words. So he has no time for me & I have no time for his small mind. When people ask why he & I don’t get along, he always tells them, “Because she yells at me, and disrespects me for no reason.” Now that I’m done being victimized by him, he’s trying to act like the victim. Few people buy that story.

    I have a niece & two nephews. He’s talked down to my niece & nephew in the past, but only once. I quickly put him in his place, and he walked away with his tail between his legs. I know what it feels like, and nobody deserves it.

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      I know you are very protective of that trio, Becky. I am so very glad you are. Verbal abuse is never acceptable. Neither is emotional blackmail. In the end, you did learn “what not to do”, which, unfortunately, is the best thing to learn from these situations.

      As to your fear, the next time you feel it, remember standing up to him for the trio. It is the exact same strength. If you can stand up to him, there is no reason to fear any other.

      Thank you for stopping in tonight, Becky. I always appreciate your visits. {HUGZ} Red.

      Reply
  10. Karen Anne Higgins Brown

     /  May 19, 2012

    My mother was mentally ill and my father was an alcoholic who barely ever came home. At 11 years old my father left for good and my mother became even more emotionally and physically abusive. I left home at 18 and was married and pregnant with my first of 3 children by 19 years old. My husband was a severe alcoholic and was mostly emotionally abusive and controlling. I had gone from the frying pan to the fire. At 33 years old I finally left him and became involved in another emotionally abusive relationship.

    I am now 50 years old and I see how the cycle of abuse continues because my own daughters have been in similar relationships but to a smaller degree. I started to work on my self esteem about 2 years ago because someone had pointed out to me how I was always saying bad things about myself and it was true. I hated myself. I could name hundreds of things that I hated about myself and almost nothing that I liked. That was only what I would be honest with people or even myself about.

    I found a book called The Self-Esteem Workbook and I got an audio copy of it. I listened to it every day for months on my hour long morning commute to work. Gradually, I started to see how almost every problem I had was tied to the fact that I didn’t like myself. I also could see that most of the problems of the world were caused by the same problem. It’s hard to describe the horrific effects of low self esteem in my life. It was so rooted in every facet of my life. It was who I was. I became who I had spent my life running away from. Although I searched high and low for someone to love me, I could never find love because I never looked inside of myself for it. That’s where it was all the time.

    The long and short of abuse is this: It is caused by a lack of love for yourself and others. You can’t love anyone unless you love yourself. The only way to love yourself is to stop abusing yourself with negative self talk and self blame, guilt and punishment that never ends. If we teach the world to love themselves and to not believe the lies about how they are no good and the world sucks too, then we will be eradicating about 95% of the abuse in this world. The other 5% are truly psychopathic and can not really be helped. That’s my thoughts and I hope they help. 😉

    Reply
    • Red

       /  May 19, 2012

      So very glad to hear from you tonight, Karen. You are another one who needs to leave a link to your blog in the Green Room (top menu bar).

      Accepting self as whole and worthy is the cycle hitting the wall. When you can say I am good enough, you cannot justify the abuse as something you deserved or caused. It takes the power away from the abuser.

      And I happen to know for a fact, you are far better than good enough! {HUGZ} Red. xxx

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

0Shares
0 0 0