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    • I have more than 5,000 contacts. I have more than 5,000 contacts. Red of M3 commented on The M3 Blog: I find domestic violence situations are the most difficult to help. The chemistry needed for the abused to accept help is rare in the moment. Let's just hope it was enough to make her think about the situation and see what you did, so she could get help. Like you, I will never back down from those chances to intervene. Ever. Thank you for your thoughts on this one. :) August 1, 2013 07:52
  • Helping Keep the Power On

  • And Now For Something Completely Different.

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Saturday Evening Post

Good grief. The week is over, so I am calling it charitably a draw. Clyde is foaming at the mouth because of my tardiness and unwillingness to allow him to vent on Tuesday. You have been warned. Grab a cuppa and snuggle into a rocker. Let’s talk.

Exhausted

Truck with Attitude

I am thoroughly sick and tired of being AWOL. After two hours on the CrackBerry, incidentally exhibiting the stellar cell coverage, with Verizon, I have upgraded the safety net. Now, I am playing catch up in dribs and drabs attempting to get to everything which fell by the wayside. If I have not been there yet, I am on the way.

What else has me exhausted is the completion of my classroom for this year and the start of the ABA therapy for Little V and Man Cub. Oh,and the commuting 170 miles a week (in one day) to the study. My truck is looking for a pinch hitter. I prescribe more pool therapy, an oil change and an extra pedicure.

Books and the Rest

Flashes from the Bistro has a cover you will never forget. *giggles* For now, all I am going to tell you is the image is a twisted as the contents!

Pathways to IlluminationPathways to Illumination is a hit. If you or someone you know is in, getting out of or healing from an abusive relationship, this is the perfect book to give hope of a brighter tomorrow.

…NotDone is out. I was on the beta team for it. If you like dystopian fiction, Paul Dorset delivers a great story.

My inbox runneth over. Much like the overworked spam filters, it has been a bit neglected of late. If you are in there and I do not know it, I will soon. I am down to just under 700 messages to go.

Right Turn, Clyde!

Seeing as Clyde refused to wait until Saturday, as promised on Tuesday, you should not be surprised in the slightest he has more to say. No, not more spam. What is in his craw? Faith. No, no. Not that holy roller, Kumbaya shtick. (See prohibition to religion.)

The faith of which Clyde wonders is what we typically refer to as goodwill. When I read him the first definition, he just stared. It did not clear up much to his orangutan mind.

a kindly feeling of approval and support : benevolent interest or concern”

(Compliments of Merriam Webster)

Benevolent interest. From a plethora of examples, we can clearly see this is a one-way street. The do-gooder is looking after the interest of the needy. The carer is checking after the invalid. The elder is tending the not-so-mature (adult) child. The donor offers money to the charity. The manager procures all necessary supplies to keep the subordinates safely productive. An organization raises awareness of threats. A fraternal order helps financially support a surviving spouse of a member. Ad nauseum.

Have you ever heard?

Best Interest

Sure you have… when someone neglected to find out what you (needed, wanted, could handle). What about all those people in the examples? They are different because they are genuinely being benevolent. Aren’t they?

Enter Ape

Right turn, Clyde.

Right turn, Clyde.

Can you pay for benevolence? By definition, no because benevolence is a gift. If you buy it, it is not a gift. If you can buy it, it is a service. Ergo, you are a customer who has a reasonable expectation to get that for which you have paid in a satisfactory and timely manner.

Truly altruistic people genuinely care about others. The things they do have no recompense, no salary, no accolades. They do them all the time, even after (and while) being denigrated by others. Moreover, they do them without personifying an air of superiority over the ones whom they help; the people they help are not less than, merely in need of help because of a different set of circumstances.

Help

As a society we have stigmatized help. Those who ask for help are lazy, incorrigible or taking advantage. Those who help are deserved of laurel wreaths. The inconsistency is palpable. If those who ask are unsatisfactory, those who help are enabling continued bad behavior, which is not altruistic at all.

We look at incapability as a choice, or worse as an affliction.

If we were all capable of going it alone and entirely without help, we would have no need for society at all.

It is enough to make an ape wonder.

Until next time,

Red Signature


Which is more prevalent: our condescension to the helpers or the helped?

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© Red Dwyer 2013
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22 Comments

  1. Asking for help is sometimes the hardest thing to do. Saying we are tired, hurt, out of steam; sometimes the most difficult thing to admit to.

    Benevolance, difficult if we haven’t the first clue in the world how to offer or what.

    Worse? When we are all on the same street going at the same speed. Backwards and slow.

    Gad, lift us up out of here for just one brief moment.

    I love you.
    Valentine Logar recently posted..Summer Flash July 1My Profile

    Reply
    • I love you, too. I think the key is to help close to home before we go out to save the world… alas, that is the content of another Clyde turn. xxx

      Reply
  2. You never cease to amaze me and your energy Red.. but then you are a Do-er.. and doers get up and Do..

    It takes all sorts to make a world… and many take advantage while many suffer from lack of help… Would that we could get it right and stop those who leech and help those in need…

    Sending you another Thought as I wade through my 587 check, now 586 emails.. 🙂 xxx Hugs
    Sue Dreamwalker recently posted..Friday Facts ~ Service with a Heart~My Profile

    Reply
    • Holy cow! Your inbox sounds like mine! As you can see from my tardiness here, I am just getting this far. Why is it the whole world is in fast forward, yet we never seem to get caught up? Hmm… I think I read that at your place. xxx <3

      Reply
  3. Asking for help is hard, I agree with Valentine and people exist who wouldn’t notice or know how to lend a hand if was spelled out in foot-tall letters.

    I don’t understand why I haven’t received notification of your posts. I wonder if it has anything to do with my new blog e-mail. I’ve noticed I’m not hearing from a lot of regulars.
    Tess Kann recently posted..Coming Soon, but When?My Profile

    Reply
    • I hope we got your email fixed. True, many are completely oblivious both to the needs of others and their own deficiencies. Empathy is something we should all teach our children. Fact remains, adults without it simply cannot pass it along. xxx

      Reply
  4. Condescension — fingernails on the blackboard. I hate patronizing behavior. I have no clue as to which direction, helpers or helped is more prevalent.

    Our society has become an insane asylum. It’s damn difficult to function in such a society when it’s run by the criminally insane who ridicule those of us who remain (mostly) sane.

    *Gets down from soap box* Helping is something you do because it’s the right thing to do. Asking for help can be difficult. Accepting help graciously is probably harder.

    I remember an incident with my mother-in-law many years ago when we were at Penn State with me in school and Tracy working for the university.

    Tracy’s mother was visiting one weekend and as she was walking to her taxi to take her to the bus station she wanted to give Tracy $5. Tracy wouldn’t take it so Ma Jones dropped the bill on the ground and got into her taxi.

    Tracy picked up the bill. Lesson learned: When Ma Jones gives you something, even when you know she probably can’t afford to, smile and accept the gift (help) graciously. Works every time.

    Extend the lesson to all who give freely and you have a winner.
    John McDevitt recently posted..Flash Fiction 104 – Naked FearMy Profile

    Reply
    • I have had Ma Jones in my life before. My answer has always been to be gracious in the acceptance, but turn immediately to spend it back on the benefactor. I try really hard to give more than I receive; it is not as easy as it may sound.

      And you have a permanent place on the soapbox here, John.

      Reply
  5. To me, helping people who have not asked for help is unbelievable. We recently had a flood in my part of the world that basically wiped out a city south of Calgary called High River. No one asked for help, but it came in droves and is still continuing. It comes in many forms, like anonymously dropping off 5000 bucks at a local restaurant to pay things forward, to busloads of people driving down to help clean out destroyed homes, to just driving into town, parking and volunteering with the many many work crews, or just dropping off furniture, cash and clothing to the city hall. No condescension anywhere. I think people get tied up with labels. Sure there are the ones that milk the system, and there are those that take advantage of the helpless. I do know that our recent issues here in Alberta have changed my outlook on this subject somewhat.
    John Phillips recently posted..Remembering JJ CaleMy Profile

    Reply
    • I am from a place which is underwater a few times per year, so I fully understand this behavior. I was raised in the giving and the receiving of that level of help. Having helped build houses for those left homeless, I am the beneficiary of seeing what that kind of help does to someone who is floundering in despair. If I could bottle the feeling, it would be doled out to all takers.

      Reply
  6. I’ve had a lot of experience with asking for and receiving help. My ability to live independently depends on help received. I also have a lot of experience with condescension meted out to shame me for not providing for myself.

    I believe those needing help are more condescended to, but I have seen helpers given the same treatment.

    When I was hiding my needs, I lived in shame. I no longer hide them and with a renewed confidence I live an honest life, and those who speak ill of me, usually do so behind my back, which is fine with me. I will stand up for myself if it is to my face.

    I am doing my best to help others with gifts I have.
    I have strengths and talents and opportunities they do not. I try my best to share them, and it feels like I have an equitable life.

    I am finally at peace. xxxx
    Gail Thornton recently posted..Poem – Anaphoric RideMy Profile

    Reply
    • Pish tosh. Those who speak ill of you are in need of a reality check. It is not their measuring stick against which you stand. You have and give. I have seen it. There is no shame in saying This I can. That I cannot, but you can. xxx

      Reply
  7. Isn’t condescension what you get on the windows and mirrors while showering???

    I have to admit having asked for help only when I had no other choice I suffered from the sin of pride.

    Right now I’m waiting for help from Paul, but so far there is no sign of him.

    If I need help I’m not afraid to ask for it and benevolent friends are a prize indeed!!! 🙂

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.
    Prenin recently posted..Saturday – The road rage murder of a child in China.My Profile

    Reply
    • Bwahaha! I am so glad you have those who help you, Ian. You have helped many in your time.

      Reply
      • Yes Red and paid for it, for this is Middleton where no good deed goes unpunished… 🙂

        No sign of Paul over the weekend – looks like I’ll have to have a stab at installing my own equipment.

        I have a phone number for a Talk Talk virtual engineer, but I’m avoiding using it as I can’t stand the music they play while I’m sat here like Piffy on a rock waiting for somebody whose first language isn’t English to explain how to do a job I am terrified of doing!!! 🙁

        On the plus side I have limited access to the web and, apart from the repeated error page of doom, I can communicate after a fashion! 🙂

        Patience my pet… Soon you shall feed… 😉

        Love and hugs!

        Prenin.
        Prenin recently posted..Sunday – A call from mum.My Profile

        Reply
        • I can entirely sympathize with wanting to stab my eyeballs out at what passes for on-hold music. Little V can tell you which company has me on hold by the atrocious things they play! I hope you got it all installed. 🙂

          Reply
  8. Whether it’s a few of the causes I donate to, or beggars on the street, yeah, we give too.
    Worst part about it is there are so many that need help.
    Sometimes the only option seems to be to wear blinders or be overwhelmed.
    El Guapo recently posted..On A Dime…My Profile

    Reply
    • That is the proof of your heart, Guap. Indeed, there are many. I know I must stay within my boundaries or risk over-extension myself, in terms of resources or emotional capital.

      Reply
  9. I often think of this. The reality is that in our society we utterly depend of hundreds if not thousands of others for almost everything we have. Food. Transportation. Technology. We usually pay for such things, but we need the (silent) help or cooperation of so many others to live the way we do. I think real friends both receive and give help to each other without any obligation.
    Binky recently posted..Backyard Launch PadMy Profile

    Reply
    • Indeed, friends give and receive help many times even without a request. It is not a marker system.

      You are right about how much cooperation we take for granted just to have the ingredients for the recipes we print from the Internet.

      Reply
  10. I think friendship is a two way street but unfortunately there are always those that take and never offer any kind of assistance in return, it is as though doing so would break their code or something 🙁 I mean it is not so difficult offering someone help where it is obviously needed, and this could be anyone not just a friend 🙂

    Actually after saying this I am reminded of an instance where a young woman was being beaten up by her boyfriend and I pulled over in my car to stop this aggression, only to be told off by the woman, protecting the man that was attacking her and giving me a hard time for offering.

    I guess she was either too scared to accept my help or she really did think that I was an interference, but it wouldn’t stop me from helping another woman in the same set of circumstances that is for sure 🙂

    Have a wondrously enjoyable Tuesday Red 🙂

    Andro xxxx

    Reply
    • I find domestic violence situations are the most difficult to help. The chemistry needed for the abused to accept help is rare in the moment. Let’s just hope it was enough to make her think about the situation and see what you did, so she could get help. Like you, I will never back down from those chances to intervene. Ever. Thank you for your thoughts on this one. 🙂

      Reply

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