…to a pregnant woman. With ten children, I have heard them all. And I bite back.
Top 10 Things a Pregnant Woman Does Not Want to Hear
(And the perfect retort to each)
1. “Good Grief! You look like you swallowed a watermelon! When are you due?”
Yes, I know I am pregnant, and my body is not a candidate for a bikini modeling contest. I do not need for you to remind me, as my belly gets in the way of everything I attempt to touch without your observation.”
2. While inspecting the size of the woman’s posterior: “You are having a girl, right?”
You cannot tell by looking at my behind the sex of my child. But if you can, would you give me your card? A friend of mine needs psychic services to pick a winner at the track.”
3. “You need some exercise. Place both hands on the table and push.”
I am not a camel. My hump is not storing food for the lean times. Got an A in biology, did you?”
4. “How many kids do you have already?” EQUAL TO “Is this your first?”
I know what causes pregnancy. Unless you are footing the bills and administering discipline in my home, the number of my offspring does not concern you, but thanks for asking!”
5. While rubbing the woman’s belly: “What are you having?”
A muscle spasm which applies the back of my hand to your forehead, if you keep touching me. My stomach is not public domain, a lucky charm or a resting spot where you can warm you hand. Didn’t your mother ever tell you to keep your hands to yourself?”
6. “You know, you really aren’t eating for two.”
And if I hit you in the mouth, you won’t be eating for one. Let’s see you curb the craving for pickle slices on a peanut butter sandwich with a side of sauerkraut.”
7. “My third kid was late, and like, you know, I was in labor for, like, ever, you know, and the pain, oh ma gawd, it was, like, horrible or something….”
My birthing coach, obstetrician, sisters and girlfriends are the only people I choose to share birthing stories with, and then only when I request them.”
8. “Must have been cold at Christmas in your house.” EQUAL TO “What’s the matter? Don’t have cable?”
Speculating about my sexual habits could be hazardous to your health.”
9. “You know, you are never going to get back in your clothes again.”
Have tons of faith, do you? As a matter of fact, after my last child, I could not fit in my clothes again. They were too large.”
10. Pointing at the woman’s belly: “Do you know what causes that?”
Yes, and fortunately for the rest of the populace, the chance of you engaging in the behavior which leads to pregnancy is really remote.”
When you see a pregnant woman, smile, tell her congratulations and she looks radiant.
(c) Red Dwyer 2011
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