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Top 10: What NOT to say…

…to a pregnant woman. With ten children, I have heard them all. And I bite back.

Top 10 Things a Pregnant Woman Does Not Want to Hear
(And the perfect retort to each)

1. “Good Grief! You look like you swallowed a watermelon! When are you due?”

Yes, I know I am pregnant, and my body is not a candidate for a bikini modeling contest. I do not need for you to remind me, as my belly gets in the way of everything I attempt to touch without your observation.”

2. While inspecting the size of the woman’s posterior: “You are having a girl, right?”

You cannot tell by looking at my behind the sex of my child. But if you can, would you give me your card? A friend of mine needs psychic services to pick a winner at the track.”

3. “You need some exercise. Place both hands on the table and push.”

I am not a camel. My hump is not storing food for the lean times. Got an A in biology, did you?”

4. “How many kids do you have already?” EQUAL TO “Is this your first?”

I know what causes pregnancy. Unless you are footing the bills and administering discipline in my home, the number of my offspring does not concern you, but thanks for asking!”

5. While rubbing the woman’s belly: “What are you having?”

A muscle spasm which applies the back of my hand to your forehead, if you keep touching me. My stomach is not public domain, a lucky charm or a resting spot where you can warm you hand. Didn’t your mother ever tell you to keep your hands to yourself?”

6. “You know, you really aren’t eating for two.”

And if I hit you in the mouth, you won’t be eating for one. Let’s see you curb the craving for pickle slices on a peanut butter sandwich with a side of sauerkraut.”

7. “My third kid was late, and like, you know, I was in labor for, like, ever, you know, and the pain, oh ma gawd, it was, like, horrible or something….”

My birthing coach, obstetrician, sisters and girlfriends are the only people I choose to share birthing stories with, and then only when I request them.”

8. “Must have been cold at Christmas in your house.” EQUAL TO “What’s the matter? Don’t have cable?”

Speculating about my sexual habits could be hazardous to your health.”

9. “You know, you are never going to get back in your clothes again.”

Have tons of faith, do you? As a matter of fact, after my last child, I could not fit in my clothes again. They were too large.”

10. Pointing at the woman’s belly: “Do you know what causes that?”

Yes, and fortunately for the rest of the populace, the chance of you engaging in the behavior which leads to pregnancy is really remote.”

When you see a pregnant woman, smile, tell her congratulations and she looks radiant.

~~~~~~~~~~

(c) Red Dwyer 2011
Reblogging of this or any other post on The M3 Blog
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18 Comments

  1. I love your responses. It is strange how people lose their filters when it come to beautiful (and, yes, radiant) ladies-in-waiting.

    Next time “The Waiting” drops in at MDR or I’m over at her place, I just have to send her a link to this. She is expecting her first and I think she would appreciate this.

    Reply
  2. LOL! Love it.

    Reply
  3. LOVE LOVE #8. I have been so surprised how people seem to think that since I’m pregnant, I’m an open book when it comes to discussing my sex life. Yeah, there’s a big difference between my decidedly non-virginal status and Jenna Jameson’s.

    Reply
    • Amen! I never felt my hump was a free pass to my bedroom for the wannabe voyeurs who wish they could cause the condition with anyone! Stop by any time.
      Red.

      Reply
  4. James Parsons

     /  November 13, 2011

    I for one think women are truly beautiful when they are pregnant. Even when they moody because of there condition. They remain beautiful because they are carrying a NEW life inside of them and should be given the upmost respect for that in itself.

    Reply
    • That is the healthiest attitude to have for a pregnant woman. The dangers of NOT feeling that way are tangible. Thanks for stopping by to comment!

      Reply
  5. I find it rather bizarre that anyone would be so insulting to a pregnant woman, I mean it is the most natural thing in the world for a woman to be pregnant, indeed I think it is something rather delightful and certainly not open season for ignorant passersby to be cruel and discourteous, after all it is nobody else’s business whatsoever…

    Have a wondrously nice start to your week Red 🙂

    Androgoth Xx

    Reply
    • Andro, I never cease to be flabbergasted by the inanity of the average passerby, and astounded at the igmos. To them, the comments are harmless fun, but as you recall from third grade, a joke told 400 times loses the punch from the line.

      Start a wicked week with a smile 😀
      Red.

      Reply
  6. A response to all those touching someone’s belly whom they do not know? “Did your parents have any children that lived?” or “Be careful, it bites. And so do I.”

    Men, if you don’t know the pregnant woman, and therefore she doesn’t know you, you do know what touching her without prior permission is, right?

    Reply
    • Marc, I love your ideas! And to be honest, I do not think anyone recognizes any more what their actions import! Thank you for stopping by, Red.

      Reply
  7. Angela Young

     /  November 19, 2011

    It’s amazing how easy it is to stick your foot in your mouth in so many situations. I had to teach my husband to NEVER ask a woman about her baby unless he saw ‘the sign’. The sign? A pregnant woman will touch/hold her stomach in a certain way, a fat one will not.

    Reply
  8. Oh I love it! Just simply love it!
    Lizzie Cracked recently posted..Weekly Photo Challenge: TogetherMy Profile

    Reply
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