12 Long, Tiring, Insane Steps

My TurnWelcome to Parents Anonymous. Who would like to go first? Oh, right, thank you for reminding me of that. We have a newcomer today. Why don’t you step right up here? What is your story?

Hello. My name is Momma.”

Hello, Momma!

I am a parent. I have been a recovering parent for 27 years.”

Step One

I admit I have no control over my life. It is ruled by my offspring, mostly my teenagers. They come and go without regard to rules, my admonishments or their own well-being.

Step Two

I have come to believe it will take power much larger than I shall ever have to rectify my situation and restore the sanity sucked from my brain during innumerable sleepless nights walking the floorboards with teething toddlers and ever-hungry babies.

Step Three

I decided to turn over this quagmire I created to God. Secretly, I feel He had a hand in making my children completely unruly as some sort of pact He had with my mother, in which I should have children who were far worse than I could have ever been, even in retrospect.

Step Four

I have inventoried my morals and come to believe my children must be an act of Karma which is retribution for something I don’t remember doing in a past life.

Step Five

I openly admit to God, myself and anyone who will listen to me that having children was 100% my fault. In my innocence, I believed having children would be a way to leave a legacy of good for the future. I have been educated and now know a legacy is donating a plaque to be placed on the front of a building.

Step Six

I am ready for God to take all of my children and make them into adults without any further interference from me.

A man praying at a Japanese Shintō shrine.

Image via Wikipedia

Step Seven

Dear Lord,
Take these minions I have created in my folly and make them responsible adults in the way I have obviously neglected through my pride.

Step Eight


My children have hurt my parents, each other, our neighbors, teachers, church workers, coaches, piano teachers, dance instructors and the neighbor’s cat.

Step Nine

I contributed to the teacher’s retirement; replaced the neighbor’s windows; gave all the children ice cream; apologized to the church with a check; and volunteered to chaperon three games, two recitals and a prom. I am broke, and identifying anyone else who has been hurt by my children would likely cause both libel and slander.

Birth control pill

Step Ten

Each day I take inventory and promptly swallow a birth control pill, lest I transgress and give birth to another child.

Step Eleven

Dear Lord,
I know you have a purpose for my life. I pray You reveal it to me while I await Your instructions here in my rocker, occasionally wiping spittle from the corner of my mouth. Please grant me the strength to get away from the butterfly net patrol when You let me know what I should do next.

Step Twelve

In my spiritual awakening, I have gone forth and sought out parents and potential parents. I have warned them of the ill which befalls one when he becomes a parent and provided each with a condom and a picture instruction sheet on its use.

My name is Momma. I am a parent. Thank you.


© Red Dwyer 2008-2017
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  1. Great post….. 🙂 thanks for sharing 🙂

  2. Hysterical. When is the next meeting? I’m in.

  3. BWAHAHAHAHA! Good post.

  4. This is great! Love the humor — very creative!!!

    • I do this sort of thing all the time…Welcome to the pack. Be sure to leave a link to your blog in the Green Room (at the tip top). Have a rocker and a cuppa while you are here! Red.

  5. You have a truly delightful style in posting Red, and I always enjoy calling in here and reading what you have to say, and on all subjects that you cover too, which is indeed a vast amount, hey I am not creeping just saying what I see 🙂 lol

    Have a really nice afternoon and a wicked evening also 🙂

    Androgoth XXx

    • I am an encyclopedia of useless tidbits. Every once in a while, I shake the brain, and things like this fall from it. Glad you liked it 😉 Red.

      • Hardly useless tidbits Red, I think that you do well to cover all of these subjects, indeed without discussion and a window to the world of knowledge there could be no progress made whatsoever, I think that rattling the skeletons helps a lot my wickedly fine friend 🙂

        Have a lovely day today Red, and I hope that you found some time to relax, I have been reading about your children and it must be rather difficult, but highly rewarding too. I know very little about Autism but from what I have read you are a wonderful and most caring mum, I mean momma 🙂 Have a nice day today you deserve it…

        Androgoth XXx

        • Andro, today has begun with love, which truly means it shall be wondrous. And to be so bold as to quote my autobiography:

          If but one thing I impart spare a moment’s heartache for another, then my endeavor be deemed worthwhile.

      • I am pleased that your day started with such a beautiful sweetness my great friend and your quote is very nice also, be well Red and I hope that all your tomorrows are as delightful as this fine today 🙂

        Androgoth XXx

  6. Hahaha Love it!

  7. Truly great as always. Your it Red.

  8. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I believe someone already said that, but it’s worth repeating. As a mother myself, I have to say – spot on!

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