While we were discussing bad behavior, Valentine (of QBG Tilted Tiara) gave us her list of reasonable expectations. How do expectations affect your relationship?
Marriage is a business.
Marriage is a partnership. We call our spouses partners because we are in the business of marriage. If you think of work ethic applied to marriage, this will all become very clear.
Job Description
Expectations are the line items in the job description of “spouse”. Some of them include:
- Laundry operator
- Chef
- Dish washer
- Plumber
- Gardener
- Child Care Assistant
- Accountant
- Teacher
- Psychologist
- Watchdog
- Familial buffer
By far, this is not an exclusive list. When you expect something of your partner, Mate must absolutely know what is expected. Have you discussed this?
Dress for Success
Frankly, I could care less if my mate owns clothes, but they are a necessary evil for the outside world. Ironically, they are also needed in the marriage. I do not need him to constantly wear his cape. Some days, I need him in a pair of coveralls. Other times, I need him in his board room best to wield diplomacy on behalf of our marriage. Let us not neglect the days when combat gear is needed.
Punctuality
Image by Leo Reynolds via Flickr
Guess who flunked mind reading? Both of us did. Resentment creeps in when we expect Mate to do something which never materializes. Valentine gave us some great examples. Is your life so busy you cannot schedule these activities for Mate? Doing any of these without prompting scores well at evaluation time.
Performance
Do not cringe. This is not an ED discussion, sheesh. Whether you have admitted it or not, you expect Mate to perform at least to the level you would at any particular line item in the job description. How should Mate know how and how well you do it? Have you done it together? Has Mate watched you do it? Did you explain the expectations to Mate? Hmm.
Teamwork
Some of the line items are a team effort. Both partners need to pull their own weight to compensate for the strengths or weaknesses of the other. This portion of the business is non-negotiable.
Evaluation
Humans judge. Yes, we suck. Despite your best effort, you will judge Mate for all of the above. You are not the boss…you are Mate’s partner. You are not in the position to fire Mate, regardless of your inclination to do just that.
Research & Development
Image via Wikipedia
Did Mate flunk you on your last eval? Time to research and develop a new plan.
- Keep personal attacks out of discussion.
- Outline the expectation.
- Talk to one another about how the expectations were not met.
- Discuss a different approach to the problem.
- Resolve to change.
- Follow through with change.
- Reevaluate after change.
If businesses dissolve over the first conflict in the relationship, no money is ever made. Work together.
Compensation
What is a job with no check? Marriage. If polled, more than 75% of married people will tell you marriage is the best job they have ever had. Aside from constant companionship (which is no little feat), those married for more than 50 years all cite the same benefits:
- Respect
- Love
- Better health
- Lower psychiatric bills
- Acceptance of and help with change of bad behavior*
- Support through rough times in employment and family
- Children and grandchildren (and some great-grandchildren)
* Happily married people often say, “My [spouse] made me a better person.”
Bankruptcy
Image by violet.blue via Flickr
When both partners are not performing to standard, the business will go bankrupt. There are plenty of places to get a (knowledge) loan to bail it out: Marriage counselor, family friends, long-married couples. Reconstruction is the first, and often best, plan for marital bankruptcy. Go back to “Research & Development”.
Dissolution
Some marriages are beyond the point of repair: Not because they should not be fixed, but because the partners are no longer willing to commit more emotional capital to the marriage. For those non-abusive marriages where the partners are too tired, hurt or angry to work, dissolution is the next step.
If this is the path you choose for your marriage, remember the lessons of “Evaluation” and “Research & Development” before venturing down the aisle again.
~~~~~~~~~~
What are your expectations of Mate?
~~~~~~~~~~
(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2011
Reblogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters is expressly forbidden.
Copyright and Privacy Policy available in The Office.
Laurie
/ November 25, 2011When you find yourself getting a headache just speaking to your mate, wondering if they will ever have the same conversation you are having it is a bad sign. It is a worse sign when you find yourself wondering how it is possible for single celled organisms to have more intelligence than your mate. Worse yet you look at your children and thank heavens that they are smarter than your mate. Sadly I’ve done all of these and even felt the need to put a grown man on an allowance to prevent him from blowing my budget causing starvation on the street.
annmariedwyer
/ November 25, 2011Your expectations were not unreasonable, and, yes, Mate flunked his evaluation. If R&D did not work, I see dissolution as the answer.
As to the conversation comment, OMG did you hit that nail on the head! Which leads me to this question: How did he keep you in the dark over his blatant ignorance (and stupidity, as the case would reveal)? Red.
Laurie
/ November 25, 2011In my defense when we met I worked seven days a week, only spending an hour or two at a time with him since most of my time was spent passed out asleep. The time I was awake, I spent figuring out just how much the bills would eat out of my check. When I got pregnant and stayed home he was working long hours and asleep when he was home. Then I got busy taking care of the small screaming creature with her days and nights confused. When I found myself with him more often and realized he likes constant togetherness and will start a conversation in the middle as if he has already had the other part in his head, well I’ve been trying to have an amicable divorce for the little’s sake ever since. I’m afraid that an insanity plea because stupidity drove you to will not stand up in court. So I’m trying to come to a nice permanent divorce agreement without resorting to bitchdom.
annmariedwyer
/ November 25, 2011So, yours is a sense of insufficient preparation. I am afraid most marriage which end in divorce are on this same fault line. More communication before the “Will you marry me?” is truly the only way to circumvent this. Red.
PS Do not be afraid of bitchdom, when it is warranted. But that is another blog post entirely 😉
James Parsons
/ November 25, 2011I believe that this article fits marriage to a tee. But I also believe that most of this article and what is said within, should be and can be used in a relationship long before the marriage question is even brought up. Relationships are built on team work so that you become a (TEAM). My football coach used to say ” There is no I in team”. You and your mate need to be up front with each other from the get go. Thanks again for the great article Red.
annmariedwyer
/ November 25, 2011Every coach I ever met used that line. You are correct these tips need to be discussed long before marriage. Many relationships resemble marriage, only without the certificate. Too many marriages are doomed when the license is signed. If you were having appropriate conversations while dating (more than where to go out and sweet nothings), this job is not as difficult as you may think. It does however, require commitment if you intend it to be a career. Red.
valentinelogar
/ November 25, 2011You’re killing me. Marriage is a business, one you cannot be fired from without have to pay for the privilege in one way or the other. How odd, generally speaking we consider all the aspects of our job and then whether to cut and run, marriage that is an entirely different story, with this particular job the investment after such a short time is far to big for us to simply step lightly over the threshold and say “Done, take your pittance and be gone cock-a-roach”.
You are correct though, were we to take a more pragmatic view of marriage we might also be less inclined to stomp about with our feelings hurt so often.
annmariedwyer
/ November 25, 2011Truly, if we had taken advice before the investment, I certainly do think fewer people would trample down the aisle. How bizarre is it, we will get advice before investing money (which only takes one-third-ish of our time) and not when we are going to invest the remainder?
Angela Young
/ November 25, 2011Amen! Not that we should give up all expectations, after all I expect not to be abused, but that we should give up unrealistic expectations. What makes them unrealistic? Often the answer to that question is the filter through which they are viewed. This is where the “That’s the way my family (Mom, Dad) did it” mentality often raises its ugly head. The way my family did something is not the only way. It is that melding of cultures that creates a cohesive marriage. Keep up the good work:)
annmariedwyer
/ November 25, 2011Great point, Angie! It is a “marriage”, after all. It does blend the two to become one. And no, how my family did anything is not a reason any more than “because I said so”is. In fact, many times, those who continually refrain, “Well, that’s not how my mommy did it,” are the ones who end up back with her.
And no, it is not unrealistic to expect no abuse. No one should be abused. (Note to punctuation at the end of that statement.)
Red.
grantahelms
/ November 25, 2011Red, The only expectations that I have of my Mate, is for her to pull her half of the relationship. thanks, Grant
annmariedwyer
/ November 25, 2011Grant, that is a very healthy expectation. It is arguably the one which causes the least amount of disappointment, provided Mate is also married. Many couples I counseled during divorce only had one married spouse…the other was “their own person”, as in the “I” in Jim’s coach’s team. Red.
awarewriter
/ November 25, 2011Expectation “2. anticipating with confidence of fulfillment” — WordNet.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall…”
“Hold it right there John boy, you are not the fairest of them all. Let’s get that straight from the start. We all got warts. You have warts. Your mate has warts. So you want to fix your mate’s warts? If I wasn’t stuck in this mirror I’d slap you upside your head.”
“But…”
“Not buts Johnny, you want to go around fixing warts? Fix your own warts first. Actually, just fix your warts and let your mate fix her own warts. When you two first married I bet you didn’t see the warts — either one of you. You saw the good stuff. No, don’t go interrupting me, I’m talking. You’re listening. Now as I was saying, instead of looking at your mate’s warts why don’t you pay more attention to why you married her in the first place. You don’t need to fix your mate, you need to fix your expectations. After all, expectations are your way of looking at things. Shift your mindset and your expectations will follow. You following me?
“Yes but…”
“There you go again with the buts. I’m the smoke and mirror expert here and I’m telling you that your expectations are smoke and mirrors of the mind. Trust me. Work on your expectations of yourself. Make yourself the best you can be and you’ll be amazed. The smoke will clear and you better believe your mate will notice. And the best part is that she will respond in kind. OK, I’m outta here. Go say hello to your mate and leave the warts out of the discussion.”
John
annmariedwyer
/ November 25, 2011You are the absolute best! I love this…and needed it. BTW, you were mentioned in the next-after-technical-difficulties post. *Grins* Red.
annmariedwyer
/ November 25, 2011I needed to come back and read the definition again…Methinks, I have found a topic 😉
awarewriter
/ November 25, 2011Grins back. I was having some fun. Words don’t always suck. I’ve been infected by the writing bug again. I gotta do it, I want to tell stories, to hell with this non-fiction how to stuff. Yeah, when the email describing your latest post hit my in box, I figured it out. Thanks Red.
annmariedwyer
/ November 25, 2011Good for you!!! If you want to write what makes you feel good, try HubPages.com SOOO much better than that *other* place. Red.