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I’m Not Tellin’

If you do not want to tell your family whom you are dating, there is dysfunction afoot. Identify where the problems are, to make the healthiest choices for you, your partner and your family. Let’s explore those choices, shall we?

Is your family judgmental?

Old gavel and court minutes displayed at the M...

If your partner has done things in the past for which he has atoned, then your family has no reason to judge. They were not part of the situation and have no say. It is your job to stand up for your partner.

Is your family going to meddle?

If you and your partner are conducting your affairs like adults, your family has nothing in which to meddle. You should tell them to mind their matters, as you are doing yours.

Will your family derail your relationship?

Your family has no stake in the matter. They should leave you and your partner alone. It is up to you to make sure they know that.

Is your partner diametrically opposite from your family?

If you are happy with your choice, your family should celebrate that you are happy and that you have broadened your horizons to include someone outside your familial comfort zone.

old cartoon of the king Leopold II of Belgium

Is your partner’s age a factor?

If both of you are over the age of 18, the law states you have the right to be together. If your family does not accept this, advise them to speak to their legislator. Provide fax number and email address.

Is your partner’s race a factor?

Shame on all of you. This is definitely a place where love should be blind. All of you should seek counseling.

Notice the theme?

The solution to all of these issues is you standing up for yourself and your decision to be with someone. If you feel shame for your choice in a partner, you are not in an emotional stable state to actively participate in a relationship. You need to seek counseling to build self-esteem.

Is your partner keeping you from your family?

These are the ones who raised you to be the person she loves. She should not make you choose between her and your family. You should choose your family.

Is your partner physically or emotionally abusive?

Laws are being broken. This type of relationship is unhealthy at best and unlawful at worst. You should be telling your family about the person with whom you just broke off a relationship.

Is your family involved in a situation about which you are ashamed?

You are not in an emotionally stable state to actively pursue a relationship. Nothing your family does reflects on you, unless you are involved in the activity. You need to be your own person. Seek counseling to help you distinguish your identity from that of your family.

Bottom Line

The solution to all of these issues is to get into a healthy relationship which will cause you many years of happiness. There is truly no viable reason for you not to share your happiness with a relationship with your family.

~~~~~~~~~~

Without naming names, did you or someone you love keep a relationship from family and why?

~~~~~~~~~~

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2011
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17 Comments

  1. Are you and I tracking we seem to be writing along common themes these days. Maybe it is that whole choosing and blending families thing.

    Reply
    • When I read yours this morning, I figured we had both tripped over the same subliminal wire. We just think an awful lot alike, sis.

      Reply
  2. My ex lied about being married (to kids also) for over a year. He lived with her, but thought the kids weren’t ready for him to remarry. I can’t even wrap my brain around that one. They are in the process of divorcing now. Perhaps beginning in lies creates an unsteady foundation?

    Reply
    • Without doubt. I have been in that relationship where nothing out of his mouth was the truth. Down the road, it all came calling. Sometimes, even the little “feel good” fibs at the beginning of the relationship are the pea between the mattresses. Once the crack in the foundation begins, it is nearly impossible to stem the wreckage. Red.

      Reply
  3. awarewriter

     /  December 17, 2011

    Way back in the ancient times (1960s) my Irish Catholic sister married a nice Jewish boy. My father went ballistic and forbid any contact including from my mother. Yeah right dad, like we paid attention. Look up bigot in the dictionary and you’ll find a picture of the old man. Anyway, the marriage lasted 25 years and produced three fine nephews, one of whom married a nice latino lady of Mexican descent.

    John

    Reply
    • Good on all of you! And if the old man just rolled over, I hope he hit his elbow on the casket. Red.

      Reply
  4. bear

     /  December 17, 2011

    Never in my wildest dreams would I, could I, let family or friends sway me in any relationship. I have never been one to hide anything and I have one of the most judgmental families, they look down their noses at me… always have, always will. But I do not hide a thing. My children know everything. My sister knows everything. Just ask she will tell ya! I am an open book. There are never any doubts. And I’m to old to care what anyone thinks. Just ask my bride to be! Bear

    Reply
  5. Yikes! Good advice. Having a daughter who likes to keep us out of the loop in the beginning (for good reason) I identify. I’d love to tell you what all she has drug home over the years, but she would kill me. In her case, the following about covers it.

    “If you feel shame for your choice in a partner, you are not in an emotional stable state to actively participate in a relationship. You need to seek counseling to build self-esteem.”

    If he is controlling/manipulative or keeps you isolated from family and others – RUN! Some are so desperate for love…. {If he has children your age, no teeth from years of drug abuse, and gets money by giving blood, uh….}

    Anyway, when she brings home a guy she’s not ashamed of, I’ll know he’s ‘the one’. Whether he is or not – he will be accepted once he is a member of the family because that’s the way it works.

    Reply
    • The self-esteem issue is one which I cannot stress enough. I have seen little girls (just because they can breed does not make them women) getting pregnant solely to have someone love them…as in the child because the sperm donor did or would not. It does not make me sad. It makes me want to shake the parents until they either have concussions or come to their senses.

      I will always advocate against being unevenly yoked, regardless of one’s belief system. Good relationships are always about equity, as all-too-often equality is a myth.

      Prayers for her to find the one which fits the bill (and does not leave the check on the table).
      {HUGZ}
      Red.

      Reply
      • Thank you very much. After an abusive relationshiip in which she moved in with him for a while and is now back with an anxiety disorder and other problems, she has shown signs of change. She is meeting with our pastor’s wife in a Bible Study/counseling type thing. Self-esteem indeed! She and daddy have some issues that I have now stepped totally out of (duh Angie!!!!) and am letting her learn to speak up and stand up … Her picker outer is broke! I agree that so many today are in the same boat. Parent’s definately have a lot to do with it, but there are other factors, such as a society that has little moral compass. She’s a sweet girl with a lot going on for her, but she has to see that. All prayers are very much appreciated!

        Reply
        • Angie, you always will have them.

          And I will never lay all of the blame at the parents’ feet, although I do lay the majority there. We are going to discuss the parenting psychology of this soon (as in sooner than later since I did not plan this series to begin for another three weeks. *sigh*). Interestingly, when I do this series, the non-parents learn about themselves and their co-workers.

          Keep working. Keep praying. Keep loving her through whatever she may step into…
          Red.

          Reply
  6. i get it. .. I figured out about the whole family thing.. but its more a feeling of.. yea this is where i come from ..shoulder shrug while inside I am .. wamting to …crawl under a rock. mine had this particular ability to pretend like the elephant in the room was not an elephant.. not discuss it except i terms of creating false reality. I just know now, if whoever is lucky enough to be with me cant separate me from them.. then he isn’t going to be lucky much longer.. hahahhaha.. im just unclear which to tell first.. about my “issues” (mke sure its whispered and swept under the rug lol.) or about theirs.. ..but if I dont get out .. it won’t ever come up. its not them I am ashamed of and Icant change anyone. but .. the whole house of cards is about to fall.. I picture angry birds.. lol.. ♥ Lizzie..
    Lizzie Cracked recently posted..More Bang for the Buck – Valentine Mental MomentMy Profile

    Reply
    • I am going to guess at the angry birds reference…the closest I have come to the game is a t-shirt my son owns.

      As to Mr./Ms. Lucky, Mate should always be with only you. Indeed, if it is a family marriage, that is another post entirely. (Yes, it is searchable on M3. *grins*) xxx

      Reply
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