Despite a decline in the rate, these words are being spoken every year between husbands and wives (and even homosexual married couples). The grim statistic of 50% is a myth, but divorce is a reality.
Study Harder
Rates of Marriage & Divorce in US through 2009
Couples, who have college degrees and get married after age 26, have the best chance of staying together more than 20 years (only a 19% divorce rate). If married before 26, educated couples have a 65% shot of seeing the China wedding anniversary (35% divorce rate).
Hardened by Adversity
Fewer couples get married in depressed economic times. The going theory is they have no money for weddings. The ones who do get married in tough times stay married longer because they are more dedicated to the union despite the hardships a wedding may create.
Bringing up (?) the Curve
Those without a college degree are the ones getting divorced at 49%. These couples are the ones more likely to split when the economic impact affects the children. No matter your math skills, it is impossible to get to the mythical “50% of marriages end in divorce”.
A Sticky Wicket
Even if we only had to discuss one, divorce is a complicated matter. Most divorcees admit they did not go through a thorough screening process before they married. Without the proper foundation, the marriage crumbled eventually leading to divorce and taking with it fragments of jobs, savings, homes, cars and children’s lives.
Big Business
The decline in divorce statistics has not truly affected the pay rate for attorneys, who are the only winners when it comes to divorce…because they are making up to $500 per hour to undo your I do, even when times are tough. Even DIY divorces can cost up to $1,000, depending on jurisdiction.
It is not about the money…yet.
Before we get to the dollars and (the lack of) cents of divorce, we are going to discuss the most valuable assets: The children. Wait. Before you happily married Mates scroll away… Chances are good you know someone who will be divorcing in the next five years. What you may learn may change the life of a child. Keep reading.
Open Letter to Divorcing Couples:
Attention Adults:
Marriage License
I refer to you as adults because before you were issued a marriage license, you had to prove you were above the age of consent. In my book, you are going to be required, henceforth, to act as though you are an adult.
The user guide, as well as the marriage vows you recited, is rife with instances of the legal phrase It is not about you. From this part forward, you will be bound by that verbiage.
During the pendency of your vinculo matrimonii, you will conduct yourself in a ladylike or gentlemanly fashion at all times. You will do it for the sake of your children, families and friends, who did not choose this path. You will not embody the attorney’s inside look at divorcing law:
Criminal law is about bad people trying to behave their best, at least in court; and divorce law, is good people at their worst.”
I am logical enough to comprehend the reason you are divorcing is a failure to see eye-to-eye on topics as diverse as laundry, retirement, sandwich night, fidelity, football and career choices. In this diversity, you will embrace one simple commonality: You want a divorce.
Until the judgment (and throughout any post judgment proceedings relevant to property settlement or children), you will focus on the common ground you both share. During what is likely to be the last interest you ever willingly share, you are expected to work toward the goal of divorce without acrimony, violence, antipathy, property destruction, malevolence, slander, acerbity, mordancy or contempt.
All of these behaviors should be addressed with appropriate mental health care professionals, divorce support groups and the individual friends you have chosen as your personal property settlement. You must refrain from using such friends as tools, weapons, spies or reconnaissance sources, as they were not party to the marriage in the first part nor instrumental in its demise in the second part (infidelity notwithstanding).
You will follow the guidelines set forth over this course and emerge in the end a whole person, not having sacrificed part of your soul, or that of your children, to the altar of divorce.
For your cooperation, in advance I thank you.
Do you know someone going through or preparing for a divorce? Are children involved? Would you like information on how to help without being entangled? (Please do not use names, even if you are speaking of your own divorce.)
Laurie
/ December 27, 2011I’m working on the third one, I was 19, 23 and 30 when I got married. I was happy to find that I simply need a notary (one is in the courthouse), the filing fees are only $170 and if detailed enough in the papers and we both act as adults the judge should sign off on it without having to go to court. That is as long as we don’t turn into children attempting to claw each others eyes out. We’re in agreement, little bit stays with me, I take care of all her therapy, appointments and well in my house, “you just wait for your mother” is the common phrase when a little blue eyed blond turns into the devil before your eyes.
Now as long as I don’t have to ask the clerk anything else I may not lose it. I asked if she had the template for the form and she told me should not give legal advice. WTH?? I didn’t know making sure the court name was correct was legal advice, I thought I’d hit my head for a moment. I did find what I needed without her help however.
Now which statistic do I fall under??
Red
/ December 27, 2011I feel you on the legal advice crud. I did not get past that hurdle until I had my paralegal. Then, the clerks were talking to a colleague and not someone who could later say, “But the chick at the Clerk’s told me I did not have to…”
Working it out in advance is by far the most mature thing to do, for everyone’s sake. There is something commendable about being able to say, you handle this so much better than I do, even if it is a cop out.
Divorce is not particularly difficult, and attorneys are not necessary for either party, even when things are contested. The only time attorneys are truly needed is when one side has one. Judges no longer look out for the rights of the unrepresented.
And your statistic is the minority: Many people do not have the maturity level available to call it quits like adults.
Feeling for you and the blue-eyed monster,
Red
Laurie
/ December 27, 2011I am glad that there is no property to divide, everything is titled and deeded very carefully. I did listen to at least one teacher, strangely enough it was an economics teacher that said “don’t sign it if you don’t want to end up paying for it”. He went on to point out that while some people live happily for fifty and sixty years there is no guarantee and if you sign it you can end up solely responsible for it if things don’t work out.
How long does it take to get a paralegal? It would be useful especially with those that would “misinterpret” the law……
Red
/ December 27, 2011Depending on your course study and how soon you can get your exams graded, as little as three months. Mine was easy, but I had been doing the work for 7 years by the time I got it.
raymond alexander kukkee
/ December 27, 2011It seems common that sterling, fair, and logical plans for a calm, reasonable separation and divorce can be shattered by a simple error, –a single word in a moment of anger. Devious, greedy, stupid lawyers wishing to promote disagreement to fatten their bank accounts do so without morals–children involved or not.
There is a root problem. Marriage is too often entered into without any understanding of the requirement for an allowance for future, mutual personal growth, mistakes, failure, or change.
A complete lack of reality is far too commonplace regardless of economic level or education. As sad as it may be, it seems it may be a quantum leap to hypothesize that reality, reason and logic will suddenly emerge when divorce is found to be necessary.
Red
/ December 27, 2011You may have glossed over the link which lead to what needs discussing prior to marriage. I truly believe therein lies the majority of what causes marriages to disassemble, especially those who fall just shy of the 20 year mark. As this series unfolds, it holds a lot of truths, not just for spouses, but for families and friends who decide the better part of valor is to split.
With so many people able to quote the vows of the common marriage, have they become so trite as to be dismissed? Or is it more are going in under the myth 50% fail, so I have an equal chance of making it or tossing it? Is the myth a self-fulfilling societal crutch allowing couples to choose not to toe the line?
Laurie
/ December 27, 2011Getting married is rather cheap if you go to the courthouse or is it administrative building? to do it. There are a million reasons for divorces, abuse (mental/physical), infidelity, or incompatibility in no fault states (really glad to live in one). Marriage changes things, it’s no longer a choice to stay but a must stay for some. . I had a point when I started rambling, I seem to have lost it somewhere. .
Red
/ December 27, 2011Cheap was your answer to the vows being trite. And civil marriages happen in offices/homes of Justices of the Peace, courtrooms, Judge’s chambers, any place public or private.
I am interested in where your must stay point is going. I said I agreed staying together for the children was a recipe for disaster.
Marc Phillippe Babineau
/ December 27, 2011$500 for a divorce lawyer and you deserve to be taken to the cleaners! Couples I have known that have divorced have been more bitter than when they were just unhappy in their marriage, and couples who stay together ‘for the children’ ind up making matters worse. Living together has and is frowned upon, but it really is the only way to see if you are compatible in a cohabitation environment.
Red
/ December 27, 2011If couples can get past the social stigma of cohabitation, it is a true learning experience which can reveal many of the issues which remain cloaked until after the stroll down the aisle.
Can you pinpoint some of the issues or factors in the increased hostility?
And I have to side with you on the staying together for the children.
Red.
PS That is $500 per hour.
takingcandyfromababy
/ December 28, 2011awwww..sweet divorce. Perhaps the soon to be ex-Mr. Candy From a Baby should read your post. Our divorce is a nightmare. It doesn’t have to be. I wish it were easier. But, as you noted, people need to act with a bit of dignity. I am ATTEMPTING to take the highroad by acting honestly, with integrity and only doing thing that mean I can look myself in the eye at night. If it was up to me, I wouldn’t have opted for divorce. I would have picked counseling. But, it isn’t my choice. I’m just the consequence, I guess.
Red
/ December 28, 2011In some cases, one person chooses and the other must ride along or be dragged. You are being the adult by choosing a seat in the cabin rather than being strapped to the fender. I know you are struggling with him now, but keep in mind…the calmer you are the less ammunition he has. Calm is water. Anger is gasoline. And if anyone truly deserves to put out his fire, it is you.
{HUGZ}
Red.
PS You are more than welcome to SM it to him 😉
Marc Phillippe Babineau
/ December 28, 2011All divorces should be done amicably. When the only one that comes out ahead is the divorce lawyer there is something wrong. A really good divorce lawyer can cost over $1,200 an hour, and throw in a private investigation firm and that amount can double. Doing an amicable divorce, the only fees are to a state sanctioned therapist and the state itself, and 90% of the combined estate can be split between the two misfiring love birds.
A friend of mine was going through an ugly divorce, his ex was calling him 3-10+ times a day, and each time it was a shouting match. Finally I told him to be nice, no matter what she said, because all she was doing was trying to make him miserable (goes both ways, for the hubbie and the wifey) – I told him that no matter what she said, to say something nice afterwards, to reminisce about good times, and to ask her if she would rather split the money and belongings, or give them all to a lawyer. She stopped calling after a week of his being nice.
The moral? Being nice can be more of an irritant and get you what you want more than being a b#@$h. Unless of course all you want is to make your ex miserable, in which case maybe you don’t really want that divorce.
Red
/ December 28, 2011It is amazing how much can be saved by not engaging attorneys, both monetarily and sanity-wise. Good example, Marc.
valentinelogar
/ December 28, 2011Having a couple under my belt I can tell you they can be simple or difficult as all get out of town. In my last, when we were finally sitting in front of the judge who would declare our marriage over I waited as he read the paper work, little knowing my soon to be ex had stolen my identity, ran up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, failed to remove my name from credit cards as ordered by the court and the list goes on. I sat, heart hammering in my chest simply wanting it to be done and over. When the judge finally signed the paper work and looked at us and said those words I had waited months to hear, ‘you are dissolved’, I thought I would break out in dance.
Boy oh boy, didn’t know what was to come. Seven years of trying to separate the money issues. Court and more court. Arrest warrants that he continually dodged. He actually filed bankruptcy and listed me as one of his creditors, got over $100K of debt wiped out, left me holding it. Took years to pay off debt, over $200K. He didn’t see his children for over eight years. His bankruptcy filing was the only way we found him that time, five years after our divorce and by the time we tracked him down he had moved again.
Finally he died. He was living within 25 miles of his children and never reached out to them. He listed his youngest son as his closest relative, the azzhat. Left them nothing but heartbreak and the bill for putting him in the ground.
Divorce? Sometimes there just isn’t an easy way. Some people are simply vindictive and viscous.
Red
/ December 28, 2011He is an example of sociopathology. Truly. The legal wranglings he went through to leave you holding the bag are phenomenal and cause for us to revisit the law for bankruptcy (and public flogging).
anelson805
/ December 28, 2011I stayed in my first marriage for the sake of the children. In then end I learned that was one of the worst decisions of my life. We were married 11 years. My ex cheated while I was overseas during my Marine Corps tour of duty. When I returned we reconcilled and attempted to work it out. After about 6 years, she still had not changed. Spent money like it grew on trees, didn’t watch our kids, and continued to run around, tho I never pursued any investigation. I suppose I was living in denial. I didn’t want my children to end up with the emotional trauma that I endured from an abusive step-father.
While my wife and kids were visiting her mother in Houston, I took a full script of Vicoden and chased it with a 30 pack of beer. I had become an anything-holic by this point, as in Anything to fuel the delusions that our life was peechy-keen. When I awoke in the middle of the night in a rather disgusting state, I realized that this wasn’t the way. Offing myself is WAY worse than a divorce, in regards to my children. At least after the divorce we would still get to see each other.
In the end, the divorce was brutal. My ex opted for a less than savory character and as expected a horrendous custody battle ensued. My wife (2nd wife) and I obtained custody, but it was bad for the kids. My ex and her hubby ended up in jail due to aspects of their lifestyle coming to light in the middle of the courtrooms. It wasn’t pretty.
I hurt for my kids, yet I’m sure it is nothing compared to the scars they will carry. The entire story is full of many, many life lessons. Perhaps I will write it out one day.
As you mentioned so many people go into marriage ‘half-cocked’ and consequently they are ready to bail when the in’s and out’s of marriage begin to set in. Expectations are never met, there is little-to-none give or take, new things are learned about partners.. getting married to play house just never works out.
Red
/ December 28, 2011That is a heart-wrenching story. It is one I have heard many times. You said a mouthful when you said, “At least after the divorce we would still get to see each other.” Divorce may be difficult (sometimes seeming impossible to endure), but at the end of the day, you still have children to care for and love.
Glad to know you and your second wife provided a suitable, loving home for the children. Red.
prenin
/ December 28, 2011Thank God I’m a crusty old bachelor!!! 🙂
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
Red
/ December 28, 2011LOL! Good afternoon, Pren! There is hope everywhere you look! {HUGZ} Red.
Laurie
/ December 28, 2011When you simply live together you know that at anytime the other could simply pick up and walk away as could you. The fact is every morning you look at them and make the choice to stay (free will). While once you sign that little paper it is as if the world has decided it is there place to tell you that no matter what you have no choice but to get past it and you are now under contract to live your life with the other no matter how miserable they may make you children or not. In some minds those papers turn into ownership papers and they wonder if the only reason they are together is a lack of funding to end the whole affair. When there is no legal binding there are no doubts that it is free will that allows you to stay together, the legal aspects of marriage can tun it into a living nightmare to those that are prone to analysis every detail of every day. This leads to the suffocation effect. Does that make sense?
Red
/ December 28, 2011Yes, it does. Interesting you bring up free will. How does free will play into the fulfilling of the contract? (And yes, marriage is contract law.) Why is it society feels marriage such an unbreakable contract? Not that divorce is not a solution, but it is society’s (self-declared, judgmental) right to denigrate those who choose it when marriage is no longer feasible.
Laurie
/ December 28, 2011Free will leads you to either full fill the contract to the letter, perform breech of contract by totally abandoning it or begin searching for loop holes that allow you to interpret the contract to suit a personal agenda or get out of it all together without penalty.
Red
/ December 28, 2011It is the without penalty part we all need to work on…which is where we are going with this one.
Red.