Welcome to the 39th edition of the M3 Friday Follies, brought to you compliments of the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere! Sit back and let’s enjoy a vacation edition. Put your drinks out of reach because this one is a best of reel for some of the best names hatemailers have hung on Red. The posts to which they are attached will give you some insight into the brain power it takes to become an M3 hatemailer.
Since it is election season and everyone who has been around M3 for more than a minute knows there is a strict prohibition against politicking, this entrant from the 3rd edition of Friday Follies comes in at #5. Not only for his complete disregard for the policy, but his über apparent misunderstanding of a question posed to the M3 Readers.
You are a racist Republican bigot.”
Remind me to never move to Nevada. The desert must fry the brain. Enter Old Sparky. On the subject of last meals, I apparently turned someone’s stomach.
One particularly caustic email came from a man(?) who signed his moniker as Truth from the libral write. Before I question the possibilities of his October birth, dyslexia and dementia, let me give you a few gems from this scathing message:
- Only racists supports the death penalty.
- You republicans are all alike. Why not just starve them to daeth?
- Bigots are the reason we even have a [expletives (plural) deleted] death row you moron.
I ran out of fingers trying to list all the things wrong with just those three statements.
#4 comes from the 4th edition of Friday Follies.
You are in the closet…”
In response to Just, Why?, a resident of Texas got really, seriously personal. She asked,
Why don’t you just come out of the closet already?”
By her estimation, the only people who write erotica are those “who don’t get none”. All righty then. Scratched my head a bit over what I would be doing in the closet…by myself, but sent her the following response:
I would, but the last time I did all the leprechauns got out.”
Still no response. (Whew! Again.)
#3 comes from the 10th edition of the Friday Follies. Elaine wins this coveted place on her second appearance as a hatemailer. Be sure to check out her first appearance as well!
You’re a slut.”
In a post I likened to the millions of get to know your friends posts on MySpace, Facebook, Google+ and every other social network, I took Raven’s tag to answer ten questions about myself. I went over the list very carefully before I clicked the publish button, as I am wont to do.
The North Dakotan who was outraged about this post makes a return trip to Friday Follies. Remember Elaine? She is back in the hatemail box, but this time it is all about me.
I seen what you do now. You advice all those womens to get divorced so you can wear your slut shoes with there husbands.”
You know I did not miss an opportunity to discourse with what has to be a true fan:
Thank you for your email about the blog. You may have forgotten from my last email, but I do not give advice to individuals. I write blog posts about the possibilities and opportunities of marriage and divorce.
And just so you know, I do not wear “slut shoes”. But just because you emailed me again, I am awarding you the Educational Shoe award. It is designed using a pair of my own, very sensible shoes. Feel free to print it and hang it beside your computer as a token of M3’s esteem.
PS Did you forget to send me that information on feces as a marital aid?”
The #2 spot is shared by a plethora of hatemailers from the 15th edition of the Friday Follies. This teeming pack were part of a torrent of hatemail generated by one post. To date, it is the most hated post on The M3 Blog.
You are a gossip!”
With the exception of the Saturday Evening Post poem called Survivors, no other poem has generated as much hatemail as this week’s Muse for Monday. I would love to blame it on the sharp turn the conversation took on Tuesday, but most of it arrived long before #TalkTuesday went live.
These are not all homegrown hatemailers, either. I got at least one from every continent except Antarctica. Let’s look at a few of them, shall we?
Janet, North Carolina
You write everything on this [expletive] blog. Don’t go pretending anybody would tell you a secret.”
Even the interviews you do tell everybodys secrets.”
You have more gossip than any other blog I have ever read. I quit.”
Every [expletive] week you are blabbing some secret about yourself. Nobody has that many secrets without having 8 personalities. Who would tell you anything?”
Carlos, United Kingdom
You tell more secrets than an American tabloid.”
I could never trust you to keep a confidence. You put up everybody’s emails so your readers can laugh at them.”
For the first time since we started Friday Follies, I was able to create a form letter as a response to the hatemailers:
Thank you for visiting the M3 Blog. We at Momma’s Money Matters appreciate you taking the time to contact the staff with reference to the feature Muse for Monday.
We appreciate the privacy of all M3 Readers, according to the policy posted in The Office. It is of note, no where in the notice are those who choose to spam the M3 inbox protected from having their first names and state and/or country, along with excerpts from said hatemail, from being posted in the feature Friday Follies.
We encourage you to continue reading! Stop by the M3 Blog, and click on the new menu bar below the header graphic to view all of the Friday Follies. Check back often to see if your hatemail makes the cut!
Thank you for making the M3 Blog a funnier place. Without readers and hatemailers like you, M3 may well become just any other blog.
Super Genius behind the Curtain &
Keeper of the Stupidest Inbox in the Blogosphere
And the reigning champion of the M3 Friday Follies comes from the 9th edition of the Friday Follies. This woman caused me more laughter than any other hatemailer to date, and continues to inspire cases of the giggles. You absolutely must read the poem to understand why this is so hilarious.
Sex is in the Eye of the Beholder
You are sick!”
I am the very first one to admit poetry can be a murky place to wade without the steady guiding hand of an experienced analyzer. The hatemail I got from
an ousted erotic dancer a former chorus line dancer a retired sex industry professional a woman in Nevada blew me completely out of the water, brought tears to my eyes and made my sides hurt when I rolled under the coffee table and hit my ribs on the legs.
In her very concerned email over Muse for Monday, she explained she completely understood what I was going through because she had been in my shoes. (I more than idly wondered which pair, so I could drop them in the chiminea.)
She knew that with the right medical intervention, I would be able to lead a relatively normal life and may even have another relationship. (I picked up the telephone to hear the “I love you” growl at the other end.)
She knew of this special clinic in Reno where I could be treated with complete anonymity. With wireless no one would ever know I was missing. I could just keep blogging from Nevada. They keep all the celebs’ identities private.
Have you guessed it yet? Really?
You did guess it! She is convinced the poem was about gonorrhea.
I sent her back the sweetest message which read.
Thank you for your concern and your referral. My tests are all negative, but the message I got for you was…
Thank you for tuning in for the best of the M3 Friday Follies. If you will nominate the hatemailer you have hated the most, I will do a most hated hatemailer reel for next week. Don’t remember? Click on the Friday Follies tab under the header or type your hatemailer’s name into the search box!
Anyone want to defend the honor of Texas or Nevada for being over-represented?
I hope your week has been free of hatemail, name calling and champions! Have a terrific rest of the weekend. See you soon!
When you tweet or +1 this post, please use the hashtags #humor & #hatemail.