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    Red Dwyer - Author

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    This seems like a great way to round of our posts yesterday - how many of these names do you recognize? Image by Megan Lee Studio. • Mary Anning was a British fossil collector and paleontologist. ...

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    Red Dwyer’s Killing us Softly is a monumental book of heartfelt and practical advice for getting through and surviving the onslaught of cancer and death of a spouse.
    With the use of real time journal entries and blog posts, the author reaches out to readers in a unique way to guide them through all the emotions, responsibilities, and processes of being the caretaker of a marriage partner.
    Self-care and the care of the children are her primary focus, as she becomes the sole head of household and cup of love for her dying spouse and surviving family of nine children, three of whom are autistic.
    The book is supremely well-balanced in a way that has never been offered to the public before. The journal entries and blog posts draw us into her intimate life as she grieves privately yet exhibits her strength throughout and beyond the dying process. The focus is on helping the reader maneuver through the seemingly herculean feats of love and physical care which are assigned to the surviving spouse once the diagnosis of cancer is definite.
    From discussion on diagnosis and decisions to be made, through treatment and endgame, Red Dwyer holds our hand and shares with us her advice for not only surviving but also claiming our lives as we traverse this difficult and often hidden journey. She discusses the role of spirituality in the lives of the caretaking spouses, and the details of cancer treatment as a partner in the comfort of her loved one.
    Almost all of us are faced with treatment options at end of life, and many of us don’t face them until we are feeble and sick and not entirely in a place to make those decisions. While cancer has specific decisions to be made, Dwyer discusses the choices we all make when faced with extended treatment of a terminal illness or allowing nature to take its course.
    From diagnosis to hospice care, endgame and beyond, this author will be ultimately helpful to millions, who before this point have persevered and survived in silence.

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    • I have more than 5,000 contacts. I have more than 5,000 contacts. Alexandra Heep commented on Momma's Money Matters: So Grant, you've found your way here too ;-) It is a great blog, and I am not talking about my entry. September 13, 2012 20:43
  • Helping Keep the Power On

  • And Now For Something Completely Different.

Guest Post: Alexandra Heep

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Today’s guest blogger is Alexandra Heep. She is a talented and prolific freelance writer who blogs at A Heep of Everything. She is one of the ones who needed a tad of convincing to do a guest post. I will let her explain it to you. Grab a cuppa and pay attention.

It’s funny how life works. For years, I’ve been annoyed with many relationship articles, especially in regards to romantic advice, that I find online when doing research for projects. I’ve always wanted to do my own take, other than the audience-targeted topic pieces I’ve had to do for clients, but never made the time.

When Red asked me for a guest post and the subject turned out to be “relationships,” it was like the proverbial sign. Although, at first I hesitated because who can compete with her blog posts? Alas, if nothing else I might create new fodder for the Friday Follies. So, Red need not worry about coming back to an empty inbox after her well-deserved time off.


With the letters worn off…

Writers are taught to evaluate resources carefully before using them as a basis for passing on information. However, with the advance of the Internet, suddenly everyone is an expert. We love to give advice to family members and friends; even co-workers are not immune. Technology has opened up a whole new platform to spread that advice, whether good, bad, or ugly; even further.

Intentions seem good, at least at first glance, but this well-meaning advice could be construed as crossing boundaries, especially when it is extended to someone who did not solicit it, or if the recipient is someone who does not see us as emotionally or intellectually qualified. Yet, we can’t help it, especially when it comes to giving advice in the relationship department.

Not only do we love to give advice to help out, but when things don’t go our way we often look around for words of wisdom, usually in our family or friendship circle.

Consider the Source

Would it not be nice if every piece of advice was attached with credentials? When you go online to obtain information, you can evaluate the source. You can see what kind of organization runs a particular website, and in the case of private bloggers you can check their biographies and credentials. If they are listed, that is. However, many “words of wisdom” online have no such credentials attached.

People on the other hand do not come with credentials attached to their foreheads, yet many of us tend to take advice at face value when it comes from someone we love or respect. In a perfect world, only people who have managed successful relationships should dispense relationship advice. Or should they?

Why Does Relationship Advice Fail?

When people give advice, unless they have studied the subject professionally, they tend to do so by using their own life experiences. It is much easier to give advice on subjects like finances and health, because they involve science and math. Emotions, however, are a different story, and even psychiatrists and psychologists can put their own interpretation on situations, depending on their course studies.

In addition, according to John Lee, there are three primary types of love as well as three secondary types. His distinctions were inspired by the color wheel, and he describes them in detail in his book “The Colors of Love.” The three primary types of love are eros, storge and ludus; and the secondary are pragma, agape and mania.

Eros and Psyche sculpture Louvre

Eros and Psyche sculpture (Louvre)


Just like the name suggests, erotic lovers thrive on passion, physical attraction and intensity. When someone says he or she believes in love at first sight, that is considered an eros lover. Since they have high romantic ideals and believe in chemistry, their relationship advice might advise you to end a relationship if you no longer feel passion or attraction to Mate.


Storgic lovers started out as friends and are sort of opposite from eros as they do not base their relationship on passion. These are the ones who claim that Mate is also their best friend, something that others might not be able to relate to. That is why advice from storgic lovers might be confusing as they find it hard to understand that other people have romantic relationships with people who aren’t necessarily their best friend.


If you’ve ever wondered how someone can move casually from relationship to relationship, it’s because they are ludic lovers. You also know them as “players.” Sex and love to them are fun and games, they view marriage as a trap, and ludic lovers are the ones most likely to cheat. To them, other relationships do not make sense, and they would not tolerate much from a partner before dumping him or her.

Ludic lovers may seem careless, but they protect themselves from getting hurt by not getting too serious and they recover well from breakups, unable to understand why others would have a hard time getting over someone.


If pragma sounds pragmatic to you, you are correct. Pragma lovers ask: What have you done for me lately? Pragma lovers approach relationships as logical partnerships, for example to accumulate financial security or to establish a solid family unit. They like Mate to work with them towards a common goal. A pragmatic lover’s advice might be logical, but also will most likely disregard the third party’s emotions.


If manic love makes you think of stalkers, you are correct. Of course not all manic lovers turn into stalkers, but when rejected, it’s the least that can happen. Manic lovers at their worst can even commit rape, murder or suicide in the name of love.

However, of course the majority of manic lovers don’t go to these extremes, but they suffer the most from break up, have low self-esteem, and are in general insecure. They tend to cling to Mate no matter what, and might suffer extreme anxiety when not in the same space. Mania love has nothing to do with poverty or poor education, you can find it in all walks of life.


Agapic lovers are the selfless, giving souls who have infinite patience and will endure whatever Mate dishes out. The do not seek any benefit or reward from the relationship and just to have a Mate is enough for agapic lovers. Often their relationship advice includes to work problems out at all cost, even if abuse is involved.

Take it With a Grain of Salt

Since people love differently, you can see how advice from a person with one love-style would sound at first completely confusing to others from another group, yet might make them question themselves and their relationship with Mate. Since everyone is shaped by character traits and attitudes, and loving someone is no different, you can adjust your style to better suit a Mate or towards attracting a different type of Mate.

However, questions for each individual that arise include how far to accommodate Mate and how to communicate with Mate to bridge these differences. Again, the answers might be shaped by the type of lover we are: An agapic individual might even endure abuse in order to save a relationship, while a ludus lover might use any difficulty in a relationship as an excuse to end it.

Additionally, people also tend to impose their own moral, religious and spiritual beliefs when dealing with situations. These beliefs, while comforting to the individual, might not be beneficial to someone else with different concepts, but that is another infinite discussion.


Which type of lover are you? Do you straddle the lines? Which one is Mate? Which one is best suited to you?

Many thanks to Alexandra for guest posting. Be sure to show your thanks for giving you a break from Red. See you in the comments!

(c) Red Dwyer 2012
Original post text (c) Alexandra Heep.
All rights reserved. No redistribution.
Re-Blogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters
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  1. I enjoyed very much reading your post… and learning new things! Gloria/Granny Gee :)))
    Gloria Faye Brown Bates recently posted..Happy Birthday, McKenzie… Born September 5, 2000My Profile

  2. I wish I had a cool name like Heep so I could do a play on words with my blog.
    Bearman recently posted..Election Bumper StickersMy Profile

  3. I am an Eros – agape? that;s why I am a dick magnet … and why there is not Mate ..enough about that. Oh except that truly I can relate to all of them understand them the least the Ludas..except that I know a lot of them and it makes sense to me to protect ones heart but I can never do it and I am lousy at dating because I don;t understand the games.
    Great post – I thought it was pretty cool to pick a name too ,,althought I never looked at it like that til you mentioned it… weird huh?
    Lizzie Cracked recently posted..The Grass is Always Greener Where You Spread the Most Manure. Mid-Afternoon Mental MomentMy Profile

    • It is too bad that love has games attached to it. Even though I’ve matured, I find myself still sometimes drawn in the games. I’ve lucked out and found someone good, but stress and stuff still gets in the way.
      Alexandra Heep recently posted..MilestonesMy Profile

  4. Grant Ventura

     /  September 13, 2012

    Wonderful article from a great writer. More please !!!!

  1. Writers Spotlight: Alexandra Heep | Momma's Money Matters

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