One of the least talked about forms of abuse is intellectual abuse. Most often thought of in terms of belittling one’s intellect to make them feel ignorant or shame them with perceived stupidity, intellectual abuse is far more varied than simple name-calling. It is a combination of both emotional and verbal abuse which targets the victim’s intellect.
Bullies and abusers often exercise their superiority complex by calling the victim pejorative names:
- Idiot
- Moron
- Fool
- Ignoramus
- Retard
Abusers take unintended or bizarre consequences and use them as a weapon against their victims. For example, Victim is driving and a tire blows out, damaging the vehicle and leaving Victim stranded on the side of the road. Abuser will leave (work, gym, social engagement) to retrieve Victim. In the ensuing berating, Abuser will tell Victim:
- how stupid driving without checking the tires is.
- how Victim’s stupidity could have killed someone (not Victim).
- how long Abuser will need to work to pay off the damage.
- what both will have to sacrifice in order to pay for repairs.
- Victim should have known better.
The reasonable arguments against these ludicrous statements will not manifest for Victim. Instead, Victim will be convinced to forevermore check tire pressure and tread depth before getting into any vehicle. Victim will wrack the brain looking for things to do without to save money to repair the vehicle. Victim will grieve for those who were put in mortal danger from such a stupid action.
Insidious
A more sinister application of intellectual abuse is when Victim must choose to abandon basic beliefs and tenets to sustain the abusive relationship. The most common scenario is making Victim choose between a life where religion plays a predominant role or a life with Abuser.
The attack begins with Abuser belittling the congregants. Once Abuser gets Victim to agree their behavior is ignorant or stupid, Abuser sets to work. Abuser will associate Victim with the people they now agree are stupid. Using guilt-by-association, Victim will distance from the congregants to escape the abuse.
Not going to happen.
Abuser will out one tenet at a time as the cause of the stupid behavior. Victim’s faith will be shaken or will disassemble under attack. If Abuser senses the slightest doubt, exploitation of the doubt is inevitable. Without insecurity, Abuser has no leverage.
Having someone dismantle the core belief system is detrimental to self-worth. Victim’s character is rooted in belief, both of the world and of spiritual matters. Emotional abusers take away the beliefs about the world. Intellectual abusers destroy the beliefs about spiritual matters.
It hurts like being stabbed in the brain.
The Inverse Is True
The opposite of the superiority-complex-driven intellectual abuse is inferiority-complex-driven. Abuser is not as smart as the victim, and must undermine Victim’s intellectual level.
How can an abuser destroy the intellect of someone who is blatantly smarter? Threats. Shame. Blame. Guilt.
Threats
The simplest weapon for intellectual abuse is the threat. Abuser threatens to leave the relationship because they are not on the same wavelength. This is code, which means:
I do not understand what you are saying because you are using terms and concepts I do not know or cannot understand, but an unwilling to attempt to learn or admit there is something I do not know.”
Victim is smart enough to know which subjects and approaches warrant this behavior. Victim will knowingly approach guiding Abuser away from detrimental or harmful situations by framing in such a way Abuser believes the solution is not Victim’s idea.
Shame
The most complicated intellectual abuse comes via outsiders. Abuser will use others’ reactions to Victim rather than admit not knowing.
If you have to explain it three times, it is not funny.
Nobody understood what you were talking about.
Do you have to be a pompous ass everywhere we go?
Did you hear your friends whispering about how you make everyone feel stupid?
Who do you think you are? Why can’t you just talk like everybody else?
Even my brother-in-law could see you treat me like an idiot.
Victim begins to believe having intelligence and using it is a handicap, precluding others from identifying. Victim will intentionally dumb down conversation. This is a win for Abuser on different levels.
- Abuser can understand the simpler terms, even on more complex topics.
- Victim alienates smart friends who think Victim is condescending.
- Victim is unlikely to admit being abused by a less intelligent person to anyone.
By employing others’ reactions, Abuser is convincing: The problem is with Victim’s use of the language and intelligence. Victim will weigh the inconvenience of using monosyllabic terms over the potential loss of friends and Abuser. The inconvenience often wins.
Blame
When things go horridly awry, Abuser will blame Victim. While this is commonplace no matter which form of abuse Abuser engages, it is a large part of the arsenal of intellectual abuse.
Abuser will question why Victim did not foresee disaster and do everything possible to circumvent the fallout. Regardless of the situation, one fact surfaces in every instance:
Victim is not at fault.
This blame is for consequences to Abuser’s actions. Abuser goes out with friends, loses a paycheck at a casino and comes home to blame Victim for letting Abuser go out with those friends and the paycheck. Absent are the facts:
- Victim had no idea Abuser was going out or with whom until after the fact.
- Victim would not have known the paycheck was in Abuser’s wallet.
- Victim credited Abuser with the common sense to not behave this way.
- Abuser does not seek Victim’s permission…ever.
Abuser is getting as close as possibleto owning the fact, without speaking it, Victim is smarter, has more common sense or both. Victim bears the blame for not protecting Abuser from the natural consequences to Abuser’s bad behavior. This abuse evolves when Abuser asks:
Why didn’t you stop me?
Guilt
Turning the tables on the Victim is Abuser’s plan of attack. Whether trying to get out of looking stupid for bad behavior or out of a fear of showing ignorance, Abuser gets Victim to feel guilty.
How stupid do you think I am?”
Abuser makes Victim look like the abuser. Abuser will claim Victim speaks and acts intelligently to insult Abuser’s intelligence. Often, the rhetorical question is merely a bluff to get the Victim to admit to something or to use a different approach to a subject Abuser does not understand. By putting Victim on the defensive, Abuser makes Victim feel guilty for appearing to condescend, even when condescension never entered the picture.
Without the safety of a flame thrower.
Victim’s defense is to pour gasoline on the fire. Victim will state the things Abuser knows, even though Abuser has no such knowledge. This is the ammunition abuser needs to continue the fight. Before it is over, Victim will believe Abuser’s accusation: The Victim started the fight.
Not everybody is born with a silver spoon in their mouth.”
When there is an education gap between Abuser and Victim, Abuser will play the poverty card, regardless of parental income. Silver spoon is equivalent to other imbalances as well. Not everybody…
- is a genius.
- is good at math.
- knows [expletive] everything.
All of these inequities lead Victim to feel sorry for Abuser and guilty for having an advantage.
How?
How is it very intelligent people get abused by those who are not their intellectual equals? Intelligent people seek to resolve problems, especially resolving personal problems without offending other parties and by peaceable means. Abuser has no such compunction. Problems are a domination exercise.
Victim seeks resolution without conflict, even in situations where Abuser is not violent. Often, very smart people are equally sensitive about other’s feelings and prone to accepting a share of the blame commensurate with their intellect…more brains, more blame. Abusers exploit these tendencies and characteristics.
Never underestimate the power abusers have over their victims.
Do you know a victim of intellectual abuse? Have you been a victim? Did you know the street was two ways?
~~~~~~~~~~
MJ Logan
/ June 1, 2012Intellectual abuse. I’ve never heard it put quite that way before.
Question. Suppose A is married to B. B is continuously doing things that are foolish/irresponsible/nonsensical. A is continuously harping on B for these acts.
Example. B is leaving for the mall and notices the tire is low, but doesn’t do anything about it. On the freeway, the tire blows and the car flips. B is mostly unhurt, but the car is totaled.
Is A supposed to shut up and not say a word, even if B makes a statement like “I guess I should have filled that almost flat tire.”?
MJ Logan recently posted..Sweet Dreams
Red
/ June 1, 2012This is similar to hug you or slap you reaction you give children when they daredevil something unscathed. No. It is not abusive to call bad behavior “bad behavior”. Pointing out the natural consequences to stupid choices is also not abuse.
The difference is what is pinned with the “stupid” tag. Pin the choice/behavior, rather than the person.
However, B needs counseling to combat the poor impulse control and possible memory loss problem. If A feels the need to continually chastise B, A may need anger mgmt before it is all said and done.
Sent via Verizon Wireless BlackBerry.
Soma Mukherjee
/ June 1, 2012That is their game plan, to belittle one or create such situation in which the victim will feels ashamed and even thinks they asked for it
Abusers will do anything, they are parasites, hook their veins in side the victim and thrive on their fear,shame and silence
they are experts in alienating the victim from all their support systems,family, friends everyone.
more than the signs on body the scars are in the head..abuse is about power play,blame game and mind control and if nothing else works than they play the sympathy card,,
its such a powerful write up Red..am glad i came here tonight
Soma Mukherjee recently posted..A Dinner never Lies
Red
/ June 1, 2012Very true. Isolation is a necessary. Abusers get their victims to isolate themselves from anyone who would help them. I am glad you came by tonight as well.
Valentine Logar
/ June 1, 2012Yes, I have seen this play before. My question, since when is intelligence a handicap?
Never mind, don’t answer that.
Valentine Logar recently posted..Just a Thank You
Red
/ June 1, 2012*wistful smirk*
Laurie
/ June 1, 2012What if B really is dumb and continually causes A problems that lead to spike in A’s stress levels making them physically ill? and B is known to have an imagination and simply stating facts causes them to tantrum like a toddler being told no???
Red
/ June 1, 2012We were typing something similar at the same time…Read my response to Mike.
Laurie
/ June 1, 2012oh I need to take anger management again…….but in my defense it’s easier not to blow your top if you don’t have to explain the same thing a few million times………:-/
prenin
/ June 1, 2012You just described the tactics dad used to destroy my mum the first time.
The second time she realised what he was up to and refused to fall for it.
When he was no longer able to hit his kids and abuse his wife physically dad switched to verbal abuse and mind games.
At the age of four I still remember him saying to me: “You will either hate me or fear me, but by God you will OBEY!”
I also remember how I wrote a book which one of my mother’s author friends wanted to publish, but dad insisted I was mentally sub normal and made me burn it a page at a time to impress on me just how crap it was even though he had never read it before destroying my typewriter.
In his divorce deposition he claimed that as I was mentally retarded he would have to look after me for a considerable length of time.
Because in his view I was sub normal, this gave him the excuse to misuse me as a paying slave.
When I left and refused to come back it was then he issued one of his four death threats – I still have to watch my back because he has sworn to run me down in his car because I ‘defied’ him…
Love and hugs!
Prenin.
prenin recently posted..Friday – more editing.
Red
/ June 1, 2012Even his threat shows weakness. Fear and hate are all abusers know. They have no concept of respect.
{HUGZ}
Red.
Rachael Black
/ June 1, 2012Excellent post Red. Being intelligent does not keep you from acquiring a small dose of Stockholm Syndrome depending on the partner -and your self esteem.
Don’t tell anyone I personally know about the Mensa membership but was married for ten years to a man that knew I was intelligent. Spent all of those years feeling as though I deserved the abuse. Broke free finally.
On the other side I played ‘stupid’ in HS just to find one friend. Not in classes but in social situations.
Doesn’t matter if you are intelligent, average or a cretin…. everyone is a target if they are ‘different.’
The sad part is that it doesn’t really stop after school. At least for me.
Have to say that college raised my self-esteem a lot. Not to the point that the mind doesn’t wander to the worst in me and how I could change it.
Regrets? I have a few….
Loved the post girlfriend.
Rachael Black recently posted..Food for Obesity. Wait! Meant Thought
Red
/ June 1, 2012I am so very glad to see you tonight. I thought I was going to have send out the dogs.
I have seen so many who had no idea having to sacrifice their natural intellect was abusive. It does as much damage as being called stupid does. This one is very personal for me as well. I broke the cycle without ending the relationship. As per usual, another statistic. xxx
Bear
/ June 2, 2012I would rather be punched in the face than be intellectually abused. Had it done. Leaves lots of unseen scars.
Red
/ June 2, 2012Yes, it does. And they last far longer than bruises do.
aussieian2011
/ June 2, 2012My first recollection of mental abuse was my earlier days at school wne I was removed from school because the teachers advised that I was illiterate and would never learn to read and write, so I was put to work at an early age,after many years I went on to become a Health inspector , Medical advisor in war and Medical instructor spanning twenty years, I went on to advance my education. I virtually achieved this through self education and experience, keeping my eyes and ears open and absorbing and filtering all I learnt, to this day the word illiterate still haunts me and I believe gave me the insentive to overcome and achieve.
A great and insightful blog Red
Aussie Ian
aussieian2011 recently posted..Spirits Playground
Red
/ June 2, 2012The repetition of false judgments has a lasting impression, especially when others are influenced by the false judgment and change their behavior toward the abused. Congratulations on proving them all wrong. My story is not so poignant…I was told as a teenager I would never have children.
Androgoth
/ June 2, 2012I guess with friends like that who needs enemies? 🙁
Those that add insult to injury often think of themselves as perfect beings, never do anything wrong and enjoy power over someone weaker than themselves and how crazy is that Red?
I don’t know anyone that is in a relationship like the one’s that you describe in this posting but then again I think that the abusers hide their crimes extremely well, and possibly only abusing their partners or whatever behind closed doors, which is sad and also downright disgusting behaviour…
A great post Red 🙂
Androgoth XXx
Red
/ June 2, 2012If you were acting this way, you would want to be in the closet as well. Abusers are like roaches…they run from the light. Pass me the Q-beam, will you, Andro? Good to see you this evening. I hope your night was restful.
Raymond Alexander Kukkee
/ June 2, 2012Red, great post, and important content. Being abused ‘intellectually’ is cruelty either way, either having to be ‘dumbed down’ to make Abuser happy, or being constantly abused by someone that pretends they are superior intellectually.
I have seen attempts at intellectual abuse by nasty people who apparently feel ‘challenged’ by individuals that do not kneel and bow to childish B.S. uninformed hyperbole and acidic drivel.
As you know, in the corner office, other than keeping the Gummy Bear machine full and having a master key to the on-site cookie-bakery, our prime directive is not to kneel and bow to B.S. and blather or tolerate insufferable, abusive self-aggrandizing, drooling fools. “:))
Raymond Alexander Kukkee recently posted..Mother Nature is BOSS
Red
/ June 2, 2012Those are the ones, Ray, who believe every time they speak the entire world should be still. Since I am truly hateful, I gave one such person a hand mirror with a recorder in the handle. I truly wish I had bought a case of them. I would have distributed them all by now.
And chance you looked at the cookie recipe I left on 5,000?