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Saturday Evening Post

This week has been very revealing. After the blogging award, I got nominated for a second award for writing on HubPages. Between those two posts, you learned quite a bit about me, the intolerant, obnoxious, human-hating me. How about some more?

If patience is a virtue,…

…that makes me evil. I have none for the following:

  • Bad coffee
  • Stupidity
  • Crass behavior
  • Verbal diarrhea
  • Rectal myopia
A photo of a cup of coffee.

Image via Wikipedia

Undisputed

I am the Empress of Excellent Coffee. One of my girlfriends’ husband drove OTR. When he was MIA, she would call my house and ask to speak to him. He would drive the 60 miles out of the way (as in right past his exit home to my exit) to stop for a pot of coffee before he went home. Despite my sharing both the correct coffee and the recipe, she just never could make it the way I do.

I have been secretly putting bad mojo on the creamery business by making coffee which diehard blonde drinkers happily suck down black. It is my own version of Pink. Save the udders…drink it black.

It is a choice.

Ignorance is curable. Add knowledge. Ignorance cured. Stupidity is having the chance to learn and actively turning it down. I have no tolerance, sympathy, patience or pity for stupidity.

Kiss me on the lips.

Image by Mirka Naldi via Flickr

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Do you know more than half of your friends are afflicted? That is right. The CDC is trying to keep it under wraps. There is an epidemic afoot. People’s mouths are not wired to their brains.

It’s not about you.

This particular disease, fortunately, is not contagious, but could result in a tongue lashing, or perhaps, in severe cases, a firm slap in the chops. Commonly texted as STFU, your grandmother would have said, “Kindly be quiet.” Let’s look at a few of the things which qualify:

Python-Foot

Image via Wikipedia

  • How much better/ bigger/ faster/ longer/ deeper/ crazier/ scarier yours was than mine…
  • Even more so if I know you are the only one who believes it
  • The minutia of your hemorrhoid surgery (You are one of mine.),  childbirth (You cannot top me. Promise.) or tooth extraction (I will do it for free. Pucker up.)
  • Interrupting (Truly dangerous for your teeth.)
  • Changing the subject to something not remotely tangential to the topic at hand without referencing Monty Python
  • Outright, bald-face, I-cannot-believe-you-said-that-out-loud lies

My truth is stranger than fiction. If I had a dollar for everyone who told me I should write a book, I would cruise the world for a month. I am not trying to impress you because if you are impressionable, you should not be listening to what I say: It may harm your tender, blossoming sense of self.

Most of all, the above STFU examples prove definitively you did not hear a word I said because you were already busy prepping your own story for adulation. Frankly, I am not so easily impressed, if ever.

Please get your head out of your bum.

Your crappy outlook is more than I can bear. I do not pity you. Truly, I am incapable. The world is a big, scary place, but you came equipped to handle it or with someone in tow who handles it for you. Likely, on at least some level, I could pity THEM, but doubt seriously I would bother as the voluntary nature of their position is probably covered in the second point: Stupidity.

A female Mediterranean fruit-fly (Ceratitis ca...

Image via Wikipedia

If your life is really that wretched, do something, even if it is wrong. Do not waste my Mediterranean-fruit-fly-length attention span with your pleas for pity. You cannot deserve it because you continue to engage in behavior which exacerbates your situation only to give you more fodder for alleged conversation. Please refer back to the last point: STFU

2 more red cents,
Red.

Thank you for spending a few moments with me. I welcome your comments. What is it (without naming names) which makes you as evil as I am when it comes to no patience?


© Red Dwyer 2011
Reblogging of this or any other post on The M3 Blog is expressly forbidden.
Copyright and Privacy Policy available in The Office.



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