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Saturday Evening Post

Venti LatteIt has been a blustery week filled with weird and wonderful goings-on. Grab a cuppa and snuggle into a rocker. Methinks Clyde is going to railroad my plans for this post. Let’s talk.

All the trees in La Maison de Dwyer are dressed in their sparkling best. No small feat considering there are six of them. We improvised outdoors because the weather was entirely too vile to put out inflatables. Who really wants to retrieve those from the neighbor’s yard each morning? Considering my neighbor’s stay in my yard, it seemed a tad superfluous.

Facebook

M3's logo stands for engagement.

M3’s logo stands for engagement.

I broke down and did it. There is now an official Red Dwyer – Author page. Drop by and give it a like and join the event. I am giving away an autographed copy of Mantra’s Book of Shadows for every 100 likes I get between now and New Year’s Eve.

The page will feature giggles from our friends, memes and covers, a question of the day, assorted links to The M3 Blog, writing inspiration, tips on a number of topics and news about all books coming from RedmundPro.

Right Turn, Clyde!

Our orangutan got a knot in his feathers this week. Seems fish eyeing human behavior was not solely my purview. His subject of curiosity was human’s inability to let go.

Every one of us has had a relationship end. Friends grow apart and move away. Mates find incompatibility too much to overcome. Partners move ventures in opposite directions. Families disagree and allow the disharmony to take centre stage.

At least one person wants absolutely nothing to do with the other. Other wants nothing more than to have things precisely as they were.

Family

When we move out of familial homes, we are seeking independence which necessarily demands a lower level of engagement than having Parent choose every option for our lives. Parent is normally the reluctant one. Over the course of a few years, the adjustment period leads to a place where we are willing to ask for occasional input. Maturity leads us to take that input under advisement.

Some families keep the closeness much more similar to the Parent-Child relationship. Others choose to have no further contact.

Partners

In business,

The only constant is change.

TABstashChange applies to everything from need for the product to the relationships we build between investors, suppliers and customers. Although we all have one product we have faithfully used for our adulthood (See TAB.), we have all had more than a handful we loved which are no longer in production.

The same applies to the business partners who created, manufactured, marketed and profited from the product. Even partners who go out of business together can remain friends, but the relationship is not the same as it once was. It may be stronger or weaker based on what led to the corporate breakup.

Mates

Since divorce is not the only way to end a relationship with Mate, simply because not all Mates marry, there are as many different ways to look at the break. Some Mates talk reasonably, as adults, about the incompatibility at the root of their relationship. These Mates have no issues changing their relationship into friendship, especially when they began as friends.

Mates who hurt one another, or relationships where one Mate is convinced the other was hurtful, rarely end amicably. How long the animosity lasts is based roughly on how hurt Mate was and the maturity level of the actions surrounding the split.

Sometimes, after sufficient time has passed for the hurt to subside, Mates can be friends. Remember, at one point Mate was far more than redeemable. Weighing the hurt and incompatibility against the fondness and happy memories results in the joint decision the friendship was valuable enough to survive the failed intimacy.

Friends

What happens between friends is a completely different animal. Since friendship is the basis for most all other relationships, when the friendship dissolves, there is nothing smaller to replace it.

A FRIENDSHIP FLOWERS - basicFlower1-042012 - render2-001-003Arguably, adult children and parents operate more like friends than the Parent-Child beginning. Partners can still meet for a meal or a dinner party to compare how the new ventures are similar and dissimilar to the old ones. Mates can attend each other’s weddings to the person who was a better fit and truly bring well wishes and happy tidings.

When friendship frays from hurt or neglect, only a case-by-case analysis determines whether it is worthwhile or even plausible to rekindle. Inevitably, trust must be reestablished, and both parties must commit to making the new relationship work.

Enter Ape

It is a choice. Clyde sees it as really simple. Leave it to humans to complicate the matter.

In order for any, let’s repeat, ANY relationship to work, it requires two people to actively pursue the common goal. Once a relationship becomes dysfunctional, both people must see the value in remaking it.

Why “remake”?

TRUST crumpled paper

One person may not believe this. Everything and anything within their power is employed to pretend nothing is different. The same expressions. The same endearments. The same calls. The same engagement. The same controlling behaviors. The same jealousy. The same judgment.

Right turn, Clyde.

Right turn, Clyde.

Hold on, just one primate minute. That does not sound like a relationship anyone wants. Frankly, it is not.

The main problem with believing nothing has changed is the belief is false. Every single event changes us. Some things are minute changes. If you do not believe minute changes make a difference, think about the one millimeter difference between a spark plug which fires and the engine which refuses to run.

Once something changes, one person will notice all those bad behaviors with a completely different perspective. The meddling is seen for what it is: a vote of no confidence. The advice is fish eyed: well-intended support or condescension? The closeness is examined: intimacy or segregation from all others?

Just like paper, trust which has been burnt on the edges is different. No one is perfect, but we all manage to find complementary imperfection in others. When we crumple trust, we move those borders which once fit well with others. It does not mean there is not someone else who has complementary borders. So, why do some insist on sledding over the edge on a crumpled, burnt piece?

It is enough to make an ape wonder.

I hope you have a restful weekend and a bright week ahead. Until the next time the ape takes the reins, I am,

Red Signature

Is it possible to teach “remaking” to someone who clings to the past? Is there a minute change in your life which makes you grateful?


PS I know this did not post on Saturday. Clyde still was in rollers.

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10 Comments

  1. I think things shift and change. I think it is fine they do so most of the time.

    Like the new page!
    Valentine Logar recently posted..Call it RainMy Profile

    Reply
  2. Having been badly burned by the betrayal of friends, neighbours and family I can certainly relate to this!!! 🙁

    Now I am growing in a different direction, but my mother continues to try and dominate and control me, so our relationship is now somewhat strained.

    Once broken, trust is very had to restore.

    Love and huge hugs my friend – and a VERY Merry Christmas!!! 🙂

    Prenin.
    prenin recently posted..Sunday – A trip to church.My Profile

    Reply
  3. No matter how I look at it, once trust is broken, nothing is going to be the same. Maybe, I am too hard on relationships.

    I believe we change all the time, as we grow and mature, while Mate may or may not. Circumstances, life, change us. Both partners aren’t necessarily affected the same way and riffs begin. Change again.
    Tess recently posted..On the Yangtze River: Day 13, Part 3My Profile

    Reply
    • I think that is realistic, Tess. The truth is things change. I have never known two people to be affected the same way by an event. While they have similarities, indeed they are different. xxx

      Reply
  4. We all change and grow throughout our lives. Hopefully we get smarter with age, and we have a better idea of what’s really important to us.
    Binky recently posted..Wombie Christmas 2014My Profile

    Reply
  5. Hope Clyde didn’t rip out any hairs getting out of the rollers….

    As to the first ?, sometimes, but, never easily…

    As to the second, yes, all the time….

    New commenting method… short, to the point… We’re hoping it helps, but, we aren’t sure yet…

    See ya…

    gigoid, the dubious…

    😎
    gigoid recently posted..Twistin’ the night away….My Profile

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