Saturday Evening Post

Mensa International

Smarts R Us

What a whirlwind week it has been. Wasn’t yesterday Tuesday? (consults crayon, glue and apple calendar.) No? *Sigh* On a brighter note, that means tomorrow is Sunday. (Yes, I am a candidate for Mensa.)

Advanced Literary Terms 104

Yeah, yeah. Just right click and look them up.

I have been admonished. No, not in the Friday Follies kind of way. From my dear sister, Val. As we discussed the vacation plans (due to begin in just 18 short hours), I told her this would be my first non-working vacation since she and I ran away to Bourbon Street & breakfast at Brennan’s, all after shoe and hat shopping. It was a pilgrimage of epic proportion. (Hyperbole and alliteration aside, you really need to go to breakfast at Brennan’s.) 

She was quick to point out the oxymoronic paradox created by using the words working and vacation in the same sentence. I concede: She is correct, as usual.

All work and no play.

If you have not been watching the Million Word Meter fill up, I have been a mite busy, especially since the meter is only counting the words in the blog pages and posts… not the comments, the hatemail, the hundreds of blog comments at other spaces, my insipid poetry (remind me to tell you about that in another post… like Monday), my books and the 2-300 text messages I can send in a day.

Look. honey! Extra seats for the children!

Truth in Advertising

The meter is like the gas gauge in a ’58 Edsel… merely a suggestion. When I am not trying to get ahead (like I have been doing since Tuesday), I have been averaging about 5,000 words a day because I am taking it easy. No outside work, unless it is a dire emergency… and they beg… and it pays well.

Elsen’ than that, I ain’t ‘rittin’ nuttin’. I refer you back to So, I am a snob. And?

Is that your professional opinion?

How long have you been having these symptoms?

My therapist, who is a direct descendant of the Marquise de Sade, asked me that question after I told her I needed a referral to a heavy arms dealer with a specialty in directional explosives, who took Visa and had a strict confidentiality, encrypted security and an ironclad non-disclosure policy.

Which symptoms, doctor? The twitch, the insomnia or the homicidal, pyrotechnic fantasies?”

I noticed somewhere about Fasten Your Seat Belts I was a bit testy. Yes, you all noticed it too that day. (Many thanks to John for his MP “Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch” quote to brighten my inner arsonist.) And in what I can only call a charitable act, no one wrote me hatemail about following that post with one named I need blood.

Maybe, it was a healthy respect for my IP backtracking abilities or a fear of the sheer number of self-produced minions I possess, but everyone gave me some space.

Half Past Dead

It is about freaking time.

Under the advice of my doctor, my therapist, my sister, a host of friends and my children, I am officially on vacation as of my noon post tomorrow. However, I was disturbed to find Internet scuttlebutt M3 would be dark in my absence. (Refrains from throwing anything… else.)

Hellllllllllloooooooooooooooo! I am the one who puts up notices when my posts are going to be two hours late! The posts will continue. (Nods knowingly toward the schedule button.)

The lights are on… no one is home.

light switch(Don’t read too much into that.) No, it will not be dark, but you will be subject to what I have planned rather than our cozy normal routine of me writing something, us discussing it and me scrapping the next three posts until we overcome whatever the comments vomited up in response to what I wanted to write.

Bear with me. There will be more (allegedly) creative posts like the one from this morning. Oh, and a speed bump or two. Just to see if anyone is paying attention. (Maniacal laughter.)

Until next week,


Any advice for me while I am on vacation? Or any advice for my therapist when I get back?

© Red Dwyer 2012
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  1. I have enjoyed reading this one Red, but then again I always enjoy reading whatever you have to write about so how about that for being a tad wicked, noooo you I meant, not me 🙂 Now as for a few pointers on what you can or cannot do on your vacation… the mind boggles a little here because I can instantly recognise how naughty and rather wicked you are already, and no mistake 🙂

    Now as you seem to attract the less sociable types of reader, okay then the nuttier element, then I suggest moderating your comments until you return here and then if any of those loony tunes call by for a whinge and a moan about absolutely nothing then they won’t be able to add their nonsense to your fine Space…

    I was going to suggest that you be good while you are away but as that will be absolutely impossible for you to achieve I will choose to omit that one straight away and hope that your levels of naughtiness are kerbed, well just a tiny bit anyway? 🙂

    Now for that therapist of yours, well he or she can think up some of his or her own scenarios, I mean I am not getting paid for adding this rubbish and if his or her advice is anything like mine then I should just do anything that you please and add 40% wickedness… Well it is a vacation and I am sure that it will be absolutely delightful, just remember to watch out for any of those wayward Bears, as they are said to be… Well you should know? 🙂 lol

    Oh Yes… and… I almost forgot to mention…

    HAVE LOTS of FUN 🙂 😉

    Androgoth XXx

    • Oh, you have made me laugh so! I shan’t behave. I intend fully to sit beside the pool until my inner mermaid can stand it no more. Then laps and when the waitress comes round, I shall be back poolside.

      I think I can handle the wayward Bear. 😉 And yes, I know >:)

      Fun is on the menu. Do mind the fort whilst I am away!

  2. Saddle up thy coconuts and …. run away, run away. Return not until thy beast hath been slain and thy thirst slaked. And turneth off thy confounded blackberry lest thou be tempted into the sin of work.


    • I sweareth to avoid mine BlackBerry lest it tempt me to the most heinous of sinful work. Likewise, shall I only play on my laptop and the video game the innkeeper hath provided until such time as mine pay-per-view begins to air. Once my beast is slain and my thirst slaked, I shall unpack mine second set of coconuts and ride toward yon sunrise…mayhap.


  3. Enjoy it hun – I haven’t had a holiday in 25 years!!! 🙂

    Love and squishy hugs! 🙂


    • Oh, Pren, you absolutely must. Even if it is just going round to a friend’s for a couple of days. The break from the day-in-day-out is as near Nirvana as you might be able to imagine.

      I will swim a lap for you! {HUGZ} Red.

  4. Hi Red! 🙂

    I woke too early and spent a few hours reading emails and got a couple of good joke ones which I passed on to my email circle, but fewer than usual – there seems to be a lack of new material…

    Hmmm… sounds interesting – I’ll be more than happy to read the next episode! 🙂

    You enjoy it while you can Red – being on minimum survival income I struggle to buy most things, but I’m happy – something money cannot buy… 🙂

    Don’t forget the camera!!! 🙂

    Love and hugs!


    • You need to see my comment to Angie about the camera 😉

      Happiness is within. To enjoy, one must let it out!

      Stay warm, my friend. *Big Wide Grin*


  5. Lol. Hope you enjoy your vacation – don’t give us a thought! I LOVE that scheduling button!! I can make many drafts (every time an idea hits me), go back to them if I need to, and then schedule them for days ahead. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Can’t wait to hear about your vacation saga in your post-vacation posts.

    • Just have to remember BlackBerry does not take good pictures underwater…which is where I want to spend a good deal of my vacation! Keep them all in line for me, Angie 🙂

  6. Another great post! It would be amazing to have a complete word (or, better yet, letter and character) counter for all that you do – would that 116,000 words become more like 350,000 or so? That’s how you stick to something! Your dedication is to be lauded!

    Have a great time away from the keyboard. Hopefully, you won’t be going through blograwal (withdrawal from blogging)…

  7. Wow! Enjoy your *real* break. (And I love your grammar mugger. Ha!)

  8. Wow. 5,000 words a day is a lot. You definitely need a vacation!

    • Hahaha! That is a normal day for me! I need a vacation from the 8-10K I am doing now. See you in a few days! 🙂

  9. Advice for you, Red,
    No writing.
    No thinking about writing.
    No scheduling blogs.
    No sitting in the hot tub without Bear.
    No diets.
    No shopping for shoes which will make you think about blogs.
    Advice for your therapist:
    If Red shows up at your door with a frown, and you value your therapist-office -Sesame Street -decor, treat her gently……Pretend you are Big Bird.

    Have a great one, Red, you deserve it! “:)

  10. Don’t think about this blog while you are gone. Drink and eat well. Worry about your therapist when you get back…or…take them with you and get them loaded. Then…you’ll have a lot to talk about.

    • I think my therapist would explode if I got her drunk. Although, if I positioned her in the center of the room, she would spread evenly. Hmm…


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