We have discussed many of the factors and scenarios which lead couples to divorce court. Before we head into the next series, I want to know what your opinion is. You have provided many ways where problems become abuse. You have also provided many solutions to circumvent divorce through self-realization and situation assessment.
Welcome to Talk Tuesday. Let’s start with the bullet list of what we learned in this series, which covered the causes of dissolution marriages knowing the success rate of second marriages is higher.
Abandonment: Being present does not constitute participation in a marriage.
Abuse: We established verbal and emotional abuse is as destructive as physical abuse and far more pervasive. Abuse is never to be tolerated. Ever.
Belief Systems: They take a lifetime to build and cannot be overrun in the span of a wedding and honeymoon.
Children: Number is not nearly as important as how to raise said children.
Ignorance: Knowledge cures ignorance as long as you are willing to learn your Mate and be willing to apply the knowledge to your marriage.
Incompatibility: This term is abused and cited when other issues are truly at hand. For the few couples incompatibility is true, divorce may be the only solution when they are unwilling to work to learn one another well enough to determine if there is common ground on which to stand as a pair.
Infidelity: It can only be determined by individual couples based on their own belief systems.
Interference: Mates have to be a team to ward off attacks by (friends, family, strangers).
Job Loss/Money: How Mates handle monetary hardship/discord can determine the fate of the marriage.
Sex: Sex is a biological function which couples assign emotional value. Said value is proportional to the impact it has on the marriage. Sexless marriages are difficult to maintain.
With the exception of abuse, the other nine things which made the list can be overcome. We have touched on it very briefly (minutely).
The short version of how is self-realization. Time to consult Merriam.
fulfillment by oneself of the possibilities of one’s character or personality”
At first blush, one could be convinced self-realization is the opposite of being a Mate. Look very closely. If you know the possibilities available based on your character and personality, how much can you offer Mate in terms of resolution?
We have talked about the discovery phase as it pertains to Mate, but how about the discovery of self? While scores of the audience cited rushing in too soon as a harbinger of dissolution, very few (less than five) identified not knowing themselves as part of the problem. All of them identified not knowing Mate as the problem.
My challenge to the audience is this:
If you know yourself, you will better gauge your tolerance and acceptance level of Mate before it leads to judgment of Mate’s character based on action and inaction.”
The Big Nine
In each of the nine causes of divorce we covered, judgment of some form reared its head. Judgment is mired in our character and personality: We judge based on our belief systems, of what we believe ourselves capable and our perception of Mate’s personality, beliefs and capabilities. Self-realization changes the perspective on the things we believe ourselves capable.
Tonight, let’s explore self-realization more fully. Tonight’s questions are these:
- What do you have to know about yourself to determine if one of these will become a problem in your marriage?
- Can one self-realized Mate be enough to sustain a marriage?
- Where is the line from which there is no return (besides abuse)?
Here is your chance to Talk Back. Let’s get Talk Tuesday underway. The floor is yours.
Based on audience request, tonight’s post will go live at 1900 EDT (GMT-5) so it can be read in advance of our discussion. If you cannot stay until 2000, feel free to leave your contribution in the comments. We will be discussing this in real time from 2000 until we are finished!
(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
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