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#TalkTuesday

There is no denying the bonds and the experiences of elementary school change the way we view the world and ourselves. The introduction of other family constructs and such concepts of responsibility, self-help and teamwork help us form some identity characteristics we carry into adulthood. Not all of those experiences are truly positive.

The Darker Side

A single rotten apple in the barrel can poison our opinion of school, our families and the world in general. Despite many good influences, why would one person hold the power to wreck our extended perspective?

The Playground Bully

Playground Bully

No, I do not.

This is the relentless child. Bully uses words, intimidation and physical force to dominate peers and those in authority. The simplest of bullies hits other children. To the bully’s mind, showing physical strength to inflict harm exhibits power over others. More often than not, this behavior is a repeat screening of what Bully has seen in another setting.

Once the rule Keep your hands to yourself. is established as an outer delimiter, the frequency of physical attacks will decrease, but the propensity to inflict harm will not. Rumors and teasing are as hurtful as slaps and kicks. Arguably, words hurt worse.

(We will not discuss cyber bullying until we reach the upper school phase of this series.)

Teacher, Principal or Faculty

Authority

Teachers, principals and staff who are over-critical or domineering are no better influences than bullies because, in fact, they are bullies. Authority must be established and expected to be respected; however, the use of verbal or physical abuse to coerce children is not authority because it is an abuse of power.

Powerful Peers

Unlike peer pressure, which influences a child to do something better or different than is expected, peers exert power over other children.  This form of peer power is different than bullying, as these power plays are by children who are in the same or different, competitive social circles. Often, they are friends.

One child will assume a more dominant role over the other. The peer pressure applied is not corrupt, but is not edifying. The powerful child will use subtle, and in some cases overt, coercion and exploitation to get the submissive child to perform. Even the schoolyard taunt of Chicken! is enough to move the submissive child into action which can ultimately be dangerous.

Being accepted into a social circle is important.

When the children are in direct competition, rumors are the most effective tool in the powerful child’s arsenal. This negative influence is always an attempt to gain social standing or cause the loss of another child’s social standing.

By establishing guidelines for acceptance, power peers form the boundaries of the social circles. Children are willing to do many things outside their nature to be accepted by their peers and those who are in a perceived place of power.

Broken

All of the lessons learned from the negative influences seem to be the lessons which will be applied in later life. Before dismissing them to the fundamental unfairness in life, consider how these negative influences impact a child’s identity.

The common theme in all three examples of negative influences is the loss of protection.

Words hurt, too.

Bullies are a result of those in authority, the school and the bully’s parents, failing to recognize and control the unwanted behavior. To the bullied child, this is a failure of those into whose care children are charged to protect them from the bully.

Authority figures are in place to be the surrogate parents while the children are at school. Children look to teachers, principals and faculty as protectors. Parents tell their children to go to one of them in the event something is wrong. When those in authority abuse power and trust, they have a similar impact on the children as abusive parents.

Power peers are harder to pinpoint as a negative influence because they rarely entice a child to misbehave in ways which will be noticed by authority figures. The child likely recognizes the pressure being applied, but may not grasp its impact. When the pressure is realized, the child will often feel as though those who could prevent it, both adults and peers, have failed to protect.

Always with the questions...

Always with the questions...

What does it mean?

When children are trying to establish their identities in a school setting, they are willing to change instinctual behavior and reactionary behavior they have learned at home in order to fit in with their peers and please those who are in a position of authority. This adaptation occurs under the force of expectations to perform academically and to behave orderly to avoid disciplinary action at school.

Your Turn

Tonight, let’s focus on the three examples. We are limiting the scope of tonight’s discussion to elementary school children (up to age nine). If you would like to cover a specific topic relating to older children, please use the inbox. Here is your chance to Talk Back. Let’s get Talk Tuesday underway. The floor is yours.

  1. What is the negative impact of the influences above? 
  2. What identity traits are seeded or reinforced when children are exposed to these negative influences? 
  3. What counteracts these negative influences? 
  4. How do you help forge identity traits which will not be sacrificed in the schoolyard for acceptance?

~~~~~~~~~~

Based on audience request, tonight’s post will go live at 1900 EDT (GMT-5) so it can be read in advance of our discussion. If you cannot stay until 2000, feel free to leave your contribution in the comments. We will be discussing this in real time from 2000 until we are finished!

~~~~~~~~~~

(c) Ann Marie Dwyer 2012
Reblogging of this or any other post on Momma’s Money Matters is expressly forbidden.
Copyright and Privacy Policy available in The Office.




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33 Comments

  1. Hi Red! 🙂

    If you’ve read my poems (I hope you have, they are under poetry on my blog) you know what I and my siblings had to survive at home, so you can imagine how I was bullied at school given I had no support and was placed with the lowest achievers, so I was bullied for doing well in classes and making the slackers look bad!

    Why the lowest achievers?

    In my previous school I was frequently bullied and my mother took it up with the headmaster who wrote to my next school and basically had his revenge by putting me down as a no hoper.

    When I went to college I was able to get two class ‘A’ GCSE’s and three ‘C’s which were the passing grade, later to find poorly paid work as a programmer.

    Yes, my employer bullied me and when I was offered a better job with prospects he had his secretary phone them pretending to be my agent and she told them I was already under contract for £28,000 per year!

    At the time I was on benefits and he was planning to employ me on a wage of £60 per week providing I stayed on benefits – and terrorised me into working for him.

    Needless to say the tax man got him and he went out of business, but too late for me!!!

    Within weeks my life was put through the shredder and I was driven insane – the rest you know.

    Bullying that starts in the home, and/or at school, can lead to a lifetime of victimisation…

    Love and hugs!

    Prenin.

    Reply
    • “Bullying that starts in the home, and/or at school, can lead to a lifetime of victimisation…” So, you do believe that the original bullying molded you to be more of a target for victimization?

      Many in the group have talked about the effects of overcoming bullies, but this is a good look at the opposite side: Where the bullying is continued with someone else.

      {HUGZ}
      Red.

      Reply
      • When you are taught all your life NEVER to stand up for yourself – the only time I did my dad battered me so badly I couldn’t walk for a couple of days – and to be victimised at school where the teachers ignored the signs of blatant abuse (my brother Neil finally crossed that line when he went to school battered black and blue with a bruise the size of a dinner plate on his 8 year old back) you learn to be passive and I was desperate for approval (I never had a word of praise from my father my entire life) which my employer saw as weakness given that he had been a bully at school, so he exploited me ruthlessly with the complicit assistance of the rest of his employees who needed their jobs.

        The good news is that he lost his business for cheating the tax man, tried running a pub only to be fired when £3,000 went astray and now he’s reduced to working from home fixing taxi meters and radios…

        Me?

        I’m learning to say ‘No’, something I was never allowed to do as a child…

        Love and hugs!

        Prenin.

        Reply
  2. The no tattling thing pisses me off. My son was told he was the leader of the tattle train when he was in 3rd grade, because he told the teacher about a boy who was always pushing people. This same boy held a pair of scissors up to my son’s neck in art and said he could cut him. I was never told of this event because the school wanted to handle it themselves. My son told me two months later.
    My daughter got her name put in a jar (kindergarten) for tattling when she was called horrible names by a student and did what I told her to do…TELL.
    I told the school (teachers, administrators), that I teach my children to remain calm and tell someone so they don’t do something crazy and get in trouble. Since they frown upon telling, I will tell my children to stand up for themselves in whatever way they need to and I better not be called into the office because they got into trouble.
    I’m at a loss at how to solve this ever worsening issue.

    Reply
    • I think what you are doing is right. They should tell. The problem is the …adults. They are the ones NOT doing their jobs. (Sees rant move up the priority schedule.)

      Reply

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